Today is 10 months clean for me. I am happy about that (very happy), but I'm missing something. I feel I should be happier, prouder - but I am not. I am so damn hard on myself.
I feel I am doing all I can, doing the right things - meetings, steps, reading, writing, practicing living a more spiritual life, changing my old ways, etc. - but why do I still feel like s***? Why can't or don't I feel proud of myself as I know I should and deserve to feel?
I am on my spiritual journey of life right now, moreso than I have EVER been in my life. Not only with my recovery, which is a life long process, but am still dealing with a painful separation, along with just working to find myself, so I can become the person I want to be, and know I can be. I want and deserve to be proud of myself, feel good about myself, be happy, etc. etc. - but there are times when I can't bring myself to it, to feel good and proud. There are so many positives (so many), but the b****** in me (some days, not all) won't allow it. I just beat myself up thinking I can do more, do better, not doing enough, that I don't deserve good things, that I am not worth it, etc. etc. The b****** isn't going to win, I am - but I want to get rid of the b******, and that is the path I am on right now. Not an easy one, but I am going to "win", he isn't. (good thing I'm stubborn, lol)
So that's where I'm at, if you read this, thanks for listening to me vent, rant etc., I appreciate it. God Bless you all. God Bless you, he's blessed me. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for him, and don't think you would either.
Love you all!!!!
Chris
hello chris, just wanted to say i love you. hang in there, god loves you and most of all you need to love yourself, and give yourself alot of credit for all that you have done, but always remember the miracle could be right around the corner, serenity comes in having the faith that its all about to show itself to you. keep walking in the light, your miracle is coming. lw
Hi Chris,
I have heard that it takes 1 month for every year of active use of opiates for your brain to function the same way as it did before. I am sorry, I do not remember your story, how long were you using?
You sound very much the same way I did @ about 2-3 months clean.. Happy about the fact that I was clean, but not REALLY happy about anything else. Slowly but surely this changed and today I can say I am truely happy. Good luck.
Regards,
Tom
I have heard that it takes 1 month for every year of active use of opiates for your brain to function the same way as it did before. I am sorry, I do not remember your story, how long were you using?
You sound very much the same way I did @ about 2-3 months clean.. Happy about the fact that I was clean, but not REALLY happy about anything else. Slowly but surely this changed and today I can say I am truely happy. Good luck.
Regards,
Tom
Thanks for the encouraging words 'bestill' and Tom. Brought tears to my eyes, thank you.
Tom, I used for 10+ years, but had the 'addict' in me (w/o the using - the thoughts, behaviors) for many more years (my life?).
All I know is I need to have faith in my higher power that this is the course I am meant to be on (the right course - with the good and bad days) and to continue down this path. Read in one of my books: "need to be patient as I am learning patience". Sometimes easier said than done, but am trying, am learning......
Thanks guys! God bless
Tom, I used for 10+ years, but had the 'addict' in me (w/o the using - the thoughts, behaviors) for many more years (my life?).
All I know is I need to have faith in my higher power that this is the course I am meant to be on (the right course - with the good and bad days) and to continue down this path. Read in one of my books: "need to be patient as I am learning patience". Sometimes easier said than done, but am trying, am learning......
Thanks guys! God bless
Chris,
Remember, you are still going to good and bad days, that happens with or without drugs. It happens with life. You sound like you are doing everthing right, just give yourself some more time, and STOP being so hard on yourself, you are doing great.
Regards,
Tom
Remember, you are still going to good and bad days, that happens with or without drugs. It happens with life. You sound like you are doing everthing right, just give yourself some more time, and STOP being so hard on yourself, you are doing great.
Regards,
Tom
Thanks Tom, and oh I know............"living life on life's terms".......life can be difficult, and just because the drugs are gone doesn't make life 'easy'.........but you said it best. I have to find a way to stop beating on myself and be proud of my progress and stop being so hard on myself. Am trying, oh am trying......
Thanks again Tom.
Thanks again Tom.
Chris,
Keep trying.. It will come. and your right being off drugs does not make life "easy" but you have to admit, it does make it "easier". Play the tape all the way through and you will understand that, if you dont already.
Again, good luck.
Tom
Keep trying.. It will come. and your right being off drugs does not make life "easy" but you have to admit, it does make it "easier". Play the tape all the way through and you will understand that, if you dont already.
Again, good luck.
Tom
Wouldn't it be a shame if you woke up at 90 and realized that during your life, you were all you were supposed to be, and had all you needed, but wasted your life searching for what was there all the time?
I can understand what you are saying, and I think that you are being just way too hard on yourself. Addicts have this "never measuring up" quality of thinking, and it takes a while to learn how to live in contentment.
Look back at before you were clean, and compare yourself. Doesn't that make you proud? Maybe all you have and need is right there.....and you just can't see it.
Contentment and inner peace are a practice; it is so much easier to go back to the self defeating thoughts and behaviors than new, stronger ones. It takes a while to change your thought patterns and percerptions, but you can.
There is a good book called the Tao of Sobriety. It teaches you to designate a "manager" of your committee, or thought processes. Your manager is devoted to good, love, and all that good stuff. You get to create your manager in you own mind, someone that you want to be. That manager takes over the committee when they start in on the negative. My manager is a drill seargeant...:0) For now, anyway.
Anyway, there is also a good piece called the "Awakening" and I think Bob put it on here in a thread. If you can, go back and read that.
Peace.
Kerry
I can understand what you are saying, and I think that you are being just way too hard on yourself. Addicts have this "never measuring up" quality of thinking, and it takes a while to learn how to live in contentment.
Look back at before you were clean, and compare yourself. Doesn't that make you proud? Maybe all you have and need is right there.....and you just can't see it.
Contentment and inner peace are a practice; it is so much easier to go back to the self defeating thoughts and behaviors than new, stronger ones. It takes a while to change your thought patterns and percerptions, but you can.
There is a good book called the Tao of Sobriety. It teaches you to designate a "manager" of your committee, or thought processes. Your manager is devoted to good, love, and all that good stuff. You get to create your manager in you own mind, someone that you want to be. That manager takes over the committee when they start in on the negative. My manager is a drill seargeant...:0) For now, anyway.
Anyway, there is also a good piece called the "Awakening" and I think Bob put it on here in a thread. If you can, go back and read that.
Peace.
Kerry
If you are happIER then that is better than happy.
It;s an improvement, a success which includes better health, just think it won't take as long to recover as the time you spent using.So please bear with it. I am only 5wk clean but I am prepared to take the bad, at least this way I have a better chance of been around to see what the future holds. I am no expert but please be more positive, (for my own selfish reasons sorry) xxxxxxxxx
You should be so so proud, I am sure you are. You are an amazing person to have got so far, and still fighting it. People on here will look up to you, I do and the strength you have is so fantastic. Thankyou for your post you are an inspiration, and a honest picture of what might be to come for me. I will do what you are doing I hope and keep fighting it off. xxxxxtake care
Still cool that you are telling it how it is, just because you are clean you are still in the recovery process and it's good to share your thoughts so others can learn.
Listen to me thinking I am a "drug counseller expert bla bla bla" kind of person, just blurts out, I don't read back as I might never post. Bye bye.xx
It;s an improvement, a success which includes better health, just think it won't take as long to recover as the time you spent using.So please bear with it. I am only 5wk clean but I am prepared to take the bad, at least this way I have a better chance of been around to see what the future holds. I am no expert but please be more positive, (for my own selfish reasons sorry) xxxxxxxxx
You should be so so proud, I am sure you are. You are an amazing person to have got so far, and still fighting it. People on here will look up to you, I do and the strength you have is so fantastic. Thankyou for your post you are an inspiration, and a honest picture of what might be to come for me. I will do what you are doing I hope and keep fighting it off. xxxxxtake care
Still cool that you are telling it how it is, just because you are clean you are still in the recovery process and it's good to share your thoughts so others can learn.
Listen to me thinking I am a "drug counseller expert bla bla bla" kind of person, just blurts out, I don't read back as I might never post. Bye bye.xx
Thanks everyone. Wow, some very deep thoughts, and I will walk away for the day thinking about this. Yes, for sure I am much better off today than back when I was using. NO question. And yes I have SO much to be proud of, but I am so hard on myself. What I am working on, but even with discussion with my counsellors from my past, that my childhood and past has a lot to do with it.(no self-worth, the feelings I don't deserve good, could always do better, etc.) I am aware of this, not using it as a crutch and I am focussed on 'fixing' and changing this. Just my highs are so high, and my lows suck. Just when I feel I make 5 steps forward, I take 2 or 3 back.
I've already made so much prgoress, and this right now is what God wants me to do, and where he wants me to be right now. Big lessons in life to be learned right now, and I can see the progress and can only imgaine the person I am going to be when I get through this. That alone is my driving force. Not an easy road, but I am not giving up. No chance.
Thanks again all. Love you all.
XOX
I've already made so much prgoress, and this right now is what God wants me to do, and where he wants me to be right now. Big lessons in life to be learned right now, and I can see the progress and can only imgaine the person I am going to be when I get through this. That alone is my driving force. Not an easy road, but I am not giving up. No chance.
Thanks again all. Love you all.
XOX
hello chris im so happy to hear you are feeling better today, perspective comes with experience, and as addicts we tend to blow things way out of proportion sometimes, both the good and the bad. stay focused on where you are and where your going, your doing great.
the purpose of life is to live a life of purpose...with love lw
the purpose of life is to live a life of purpose...with love lw
