10 Weeks... I Am On The Countdown.

I will find out if I can get my record expunged. I currently have had all my felonies reduced to misdemeanors. Now I am in line to get them rid of all togeather. I thought that I had passed through this stage, of letting go of what I had done. Turns out there is more to go. I have high hopes, but we will see. I am facing it all over again. I have shared my checkered past with my boyfriend. He can look past it, wich I wish I were as forgiving as he is. I am still struggling, everytime there is the slightest bit of uncertainty in my life. I pull out my drug charges and sit with them. I cry, I think I would make changes, and choices differently if I didn' have them. I curse, carry on, stomp around and finally accept them again. What a roller coaster. I am moving and there have been lay offs all around me and I am scared. So I have been leaning on my past as an excuse of why I wont be able to handle the things that MIGHT happen. And the world goes on around me just exactly the same as it ever was. Inside I am struggling and panicking and freakin out. Nothing has changed and I am creating imaginary problems. Oh boy! this is going to be a long haul. I am thrashing less today but I wanted to share with my friends. This step thing is never ending LOL. Today I will try to hand the world back to God, although it will have my claw marks all over it.
Fingers crossed and looking skyward for you, Jane...keeping you in my prayers...

Peace ~ M&M
I'm sorry I don't know exactly what to say? Sounds like you've been thru a lot? You have support and a lot of times we worry about things that never affect Us. Keep your chin up, keep pushin on !
I'm prayin. I am moving forward. I am preparing myself for the worst. Agent, i totally agree. Most things I worry about never happen. Still I worry.
You are worth this Jane...sending some really strong encouraging thoughts your way right now.
Thanks CG. This recovery thing just goes on and on. I used to think I would hit a point that I would be "over" my addiction. Turns out I may be over actively using, but the thoughts that lead me to use in the first place keep poppin up. There is still always something to be afraid of or run from. And no matter where you go there you are. So I am trying to make myself easier to live with, because each turn I make as I wind up this mountain of life, I run into my craziness I try to greet the craziness, see them for what they are and move on. But more often or not I take them in and shine them all up. So I can look at them really hard and long all over again. It keeps me stuck for a while, then I move on. I am still learning some different skills so that one of these times when I come around a bend in life and see my craziness stareing at me. I can just wave at them and walk on by. Until then. I share, I reach out, and I learn more about me and about life.
How can this s*** go away for a while and then just show right back up?
Thanks you so much for the posts.


I'm just gonna share my experience with you, it's all I got.

See, I made several attempts to get and stay clean in my life.

Some of those attempts would last 3 days, others for 3 years.

As I look back on why I would eventually return to drugs the one thing that stands out is RETURN.

I would RETURN back to a thought process that ended with drug use.

This RETURN always, in hindsight, began with some type of feeling--maybe resentment, maybe pain, maybe selfishness, maybe fear.

This feeling I would view as negative and so I would try to get rid of it.

I would pray and no relief.

I would share and no relief.

I would ride it out and no relief.

Well It finally and by grace dawned on me, I can't get rid of them.

I will have times when I hate myself, I will have times when I love myself. I haev time when I am holy and well times when I am unholy.

I am Human.

This much I have learned though is that no matter the thought in my head or the feeling in my gut. There is one thing I CAN DO.

I can STRIVE.

I can keep going forward.

I have yet in all my years and the thousands of addicts met one who went back to using dope (and the real hell) who was sincerely trying to move forward. Not one.

On the flip side, I have met thousands of addicts (myself included) who found themselves back on dope, the second they decided returning to was easier than, which may be a poor choice of words, moving forward.

Having read your situation I was deeply reminded that.

I HAVE MOVED FORWARD.

I HAVE A LOT MORE TO DO.

THANK GOD I AM ALIVE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MIRACULOUS LOVING FLOW OF MY HIGHER POWER.

HERE IS TO ONE MORE DAY, MOMENT BY MOMENT, MOVING FORWARD AND NOT RETURNING.

I HAVE FOUND THIS NEW WAY OF LIFE DOES NOT HAVE A RETURN POLICY WHERE YOU GET YOU MONEY OR LIFE BACK BUT YOU CAN EXCHANGE THE BROKEN ONE FOR A NEW ONE THAT WORKS, SO TO SPEAK.

Just for today the journey continues...









Thanks for sharing Jane. Just putting it out there helps alot. It helps you; it helps me and so many others. My advice is to make it through today. Tomorrow start all over. It is such a cliche but it is the only way to get through this. It's hard to be a recovering addict for sure. Although we live so much in our own heads it can be a blessing. We have the tools in front of us to get through all of it. Not only can the steps help us to survive but it we work them sincerely; we can learn to thrive. Whatever it takes to see things in a more spiritual light has got to be the answer.

I loved deadheads post.

No one is perfect. We have all made mistakes and continue to make them. We have to be brave to move forward. When we are not brave; we have to ask our higher power to help us become brave and then act as if we are are already there. That is what I am striving for. I am not there yet either but I am striving to get there.
Hi Jane, good luck to you. Things will work out for you. And even if they don't work out the way you want them to, you must believe that they are the way God wants them. That's is what has kept me going.

One question.....how do you get your record expunged? I have a felony that will, hopefully, get reduced to a misdemeanor.
Best of luck Jane.
. And even if they don't work out the way you want them to, you must believe that they are the way God wants them

I keep telling myself that this is no absolution. I still am who I am, I have still accomplished so much. I went back to school, I got a great job, my kids, my clean time, my personal growth. This in no way will define me. However, I am struggling with how much it actually would mean to me to have it done and over. But even with it gone, its not done and over. This whole struggle has made me who I am. And I am ok and will be ok.

Chelle,
I went to a lawyer and filled out a finger print card and he mailed it to the state. He said you don't have to have a lawyer to do it. You can just google it and see the process in your state. I chose to have some help because it still scares me. In fact I had the lawyer walk with me to the police station to get my prints. Because the last time I was there I went to report my truck stolen and they arrested me for bad checks. Many years ago, yet real as if it were yesterday. I was scared stiff. I went anyway. I got my fingerprints and walked out. It was a good feeling. But the fear was SOooo real. He phoned me this week to tell me all my charges. Since realisticly I didn't remember everything I had done. he read them off. I have 4-class A 3 class B. All felonies were reduced. So now onward, I deal with
1. If enough time has elapsed.
2. If I even qualify.
Sometimes on multiple offenses you cannot qualify for expungement and I HAVE MULTIPLES. So time will tell. Wow! It is scarey facing this again. But I have been seeing a life coach. She told me to take whatever steps I need to start trusting myself again. This is step 1. Step 2. ?? When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Thanks for all the well wishes. Love you all.