My husband and I are at a loss. Our 18 year old son has been smoking pot for the past couple of years. We have only found out this year since he has started smoking more and his grades falling. He has 4 months left before graduation and is on the verge of not graduating. We do not want him smoking at all, especially in our house. He is currently in a drug program because he was caught with less than 10g before he turned 18. He thinks the class is a joke. He has a job (works where I work) and says that his manager (we work at different locations) doesn't care. We have thought about taking his car, but he needs it for work and school, the car is in our name, but we can't make the payment on it. I have also thought about taking his phone, but because he is still in school, we need to know how to get a a hold of him. What are our other options while he is still in school. Or do we treat him as an adult regardless. either stop smoking or get out?
Hi, So his grades are suffering because of his drug use. I would most certainly take your car back and sell it. Why should you make payments on it and reward him by letting him have a car? He can get rides to school...what do other kids do when they dont drive or have a car? Have you thought about how much you will be sued if he gets in an accident driving while drugged? Let me tell you about the lawyer who took my daughters case when she was 18. He even went after this boys grandmother and was looking into how much her house was worth because the boys insurance wasnt for a lot of money and he wanted more... can you imagine? Your son is spoiled but so are a lot of our kids and Im guilty for that too. We want to give them so much, I understand. But I would take all his privileges away he doesnt deserve them. If he wants them back he has to earn them. He has done nothing to be rewarded? If he kicks up a fuss about this. Throw him out! I pulled my daughter out of high school before graduation because it was all a waste of time. Took her for a GED and she hasnt missed out on anything because she didnt have a high school diploma. Good luck to you as its a terrible time your going through just now. Ive been there and you need to hold your ground and let him see your the adult, hes the child and your in charge! Dont be stuck like me fighting this 18 yrs later with a 36 yr old whos been doing drugs longer than she hasnt been. She started off at 17 with pot and progressed to heroin at 18. Take care its just awful and Im sorry your having to go through this. Mary.
Kaypaidon, I think you have to think about what boundaries you are able to set that you are willing to keep. Whatever you decide, you must be able and willing to follow through. One thing I would definitely worry about is your son driving a car registered in your name while under the influence. When my son was actively using and started driving recklessly (I later found out he was drinking when driving), the first thing I did was change the car to his name and took him off my insurance putting him on his own insurance. BUT...as I researched more, I found out that even if the car and insurance were both in my son's name, if he was living in my house, it was still possible for someone to come after me financially. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot.
most of us have tried everything and some of our kids are still addicted. my son is 28. pain meds and benzos are his choice. he has been to rehab twice and sober living, had 3 or 4 clean periods of 4-5 months each time. lived away from home 8 out of the last 10 years. worked full time roughly 9 of those years.NEVER saved a dollar in all those years. barely kept a car on the road. has no belongings left except his clothes and a laptop that he is on the verge of pawning. and still will not embrace recovery. I have gotten into MY recovery a few months ago and wanted him to have some family counseling. last week he told me he goes to his own counselor and for me to "focus on something else" so - there's my answer.
He came back home a year ago. after being clean for 5 months. relapsed as soon as the plane hit the ground. Has been working full time, but has no money days after the paycheck, bc ?? it goes to drugs on the street or the gf. He claims "he does not make enough". true his salary is low now, but even when he made twice or three times as much, he did not save anything from week to week. nothing has changed. sadly this is similar picture of all of our addicted loved ones. We have tried to save them, help them. No one thing has worked. I do believe that exposing my son to rehab, counseling, my talk about alternatives, us "helping" him - in the smallest ways possible - may eventually help him, but only when HE has had enough and wants to change.
The thing we have to do now is save ourselves. Go to nar anon meetings, smartrecovery.org for friends and family. start giving him rules and boundaries that show him YOU (mom and dad) come first, not him. your house, your rules, charge rent - the less $$ he has to spend on weed the better. make him get his own account for the phone - like everyone else does. etc - draw the dividing line and do not give in. I wish we were tougher 10 years ago.
He came back home a year ago. after being clean for 5 months. relapsed as soon as the plane hit the ground. Has been working full time, but has no money days after the paycheck, bc ?? it goes to drugs on the street or the gf. He claims "he does not make enough". true his salary is low now, but even when he made twice or three times as much, he did not save anything from week to week. nothing has changed. sadly this is similar picture of all of our addicted loved ones. We have tried to save them, help them. No one thing has worked. I do believe that exposing my son to rehab, counseling, my talk about alternatives, us "helping" him - in the smallest ways possible - may eventually help him, but only when HE has had enough and wants to change.
The thing we have to do now is save ourselves. Go to nar anon meetings, smartrecovery.org for friends and family. start giving him rules and boundaries that show him YOU (mom and dad) come first, not him. your house, your rules, charge rent - the less $$ he has to spend on weed the better. make him get his own account for the phone - like everyone else does. etc - draw the dividing line and do not give in. I wish we were tougher 10 years ago.
Kaypaidon, i agree with the others posting.... your son is making a very "adult" decision to use weed, and needs "adult" consequences. I too, wish I would have set firmer boundaries early on with my son. He is now 35, and it does not appear he is anywhere near the road to recovery. However, I am on that road, and it has saved my life. Set boundaries you can keep, because once he realizes you mean business, you are going to see a side of your child you could never imagine existed. A member of this group, Lolledee, has been most helpful about her ability to take care of herself after her family started saying NO. Keep reaching out in every direction you need for support. This is scary stuff, but not hopeless. PS, we all made it through HS with no phone or vehicle...and most of us had jobs!! He can do this...boundaries will make it easier for him to understand HIS role. Libby
