I know this sounds terrible, and in my rational mind it is selfish and terrible; After struggling with addiction for the past 7 years I trued to take my life by overdose in Jan. I amazingly and I can only say by the grace of god made it through without a scratch. At the time, and in sobering up I thought it was the drugs, as that life style drives you so far down in the pits that sometimes one wonders how they pick thier head up in the morning!!! I have always struggled with depression but really I have never contemplated suicide so much untill this year! I think about it at least twice a week, some days I don't know how I can go on! I don't know what's wrong with me! Things are honestly going pretty well, but even now all I want to do is break down and cry!!! Has anyone else gone through this in thier recovery? Or is this something I should tell a Dr. about??
maybe you should speak to a doctor-
do you keep busy throughout the day?
that helps me a lot.
i'm a few days shy of being 4 weeks clean.
i felt pretty bi-polar/psycho for the first couple weeks,
i thought of suicide nearly every night up until
this past week.
but, today i woke up
with some weird happiness and peace
inside.
something feels new-
(i hope it's something that stays-
not just a passing feeling. bi-polar
disorder runs in my family, unfortunately.
ive never been diagnosed but sometimes
i wonder)
listen to music, that always helps me.
bob dylan usually brings me out of a bad mood,
sly and the family stone,
curtis mayfield,
something with a little funk and beat
to it. bring out the funk and beat
in you. something you can tap your foot to.
trust me, music can be stronger than any drug-
put on headphones and absorb yourself
in the music.
give yourself time, i dunno how much you were using, it
may take a little longer for you to be able to
discover things that used to make you happy.
but times all ya got, at this point.
you're doin' good though, baby, don't back out,
you got a chance of being happy by stayin clean.
you aint got nothin if ya mess it up, i know you know it.
do you keep busy throughout the day?
that helps me a lot.
i'm a few days shy of being 4 weeks clean.
i felt pretty bi-polar/psycho for the first couple weeks,
i thought of suicide nearly every night up until
this past week.
but, today i woke up
with some weird happiness and peace
inside.
something feels new-
(i hope it's something that stays-
not just a passing feeling. bi-polar
disorder runs in my family, unfortunately.
ive never been diagnosed but sometimes
i wonder)
listen to music, that always helps me.
bob dylan usually brings me out of a bad mood,
sly and the family stone,
curtis mayfield,
something with a little funk and beat
to it. bring out the funk and beat
in you. something you can tap your foot to.
trust me, music can be stronger than any drug-
put on headphones and absorb yourself
in the music.
give yourself time, i dunno how much you were using, it
may take a little longer for you to be able to
discover things that used to make you happy.
but times all ya got, at this point.
you're doin' good though, baby, don't back out,
you got a chance of being happy by stayin clean.
you aint got nothin if ya mess it up, i know you know it.
i see now, 7 years is quite a long time-
but still. try to find things to occupy your
time, don't give yourself time to think too hard!
but still. try to find things to occupy your
time, don't give yourself time to think too hard!
wait, how long have you been sober?
i thought somewhere i saw 2 and 1/2 months but now
i don't see that anymore....
i thought somewhere i saw 2 and 1/2 months but now
i don't see that anymore....
I definitely would talk to my Dr about this !! I have my moments too but I have never been one to consider suicide persoanlly. i always figured I would die sooner rather than later as a result of my drug addiction. I hope that you will seek medical advice for this as your life you said is going pretty well at the moment. i am so sorry to hrear that you have these feelings as getting sober all by itself is completely overwhelming considering we have lost our lover and best friend and confidant. It is devastating mentally to lose all our ability to ocpe with life once we decide to get sober and trust that you are not the first one to have this problem especially as a recovering addict. Walk forward w/ otu fear and most importantly do not try toself medicate on this one. Are you against taking anti depressants? I would hope there is something you could try to control these feelings you are having.
I guess after using drugs for 18 yrs of my life I felt like all the while I was taking the wuss way out in commiting suicide and that eventually I would od and my family and myself would finally be relieved of the pain I inflicted by all in my life including myself . But trust and believe if you are still living and breathing today there is most definitely a strong purpose for you . There is someone out there that you will eventually help get thru exactly what you are going thru right now and maybe for today you could accept that as your purpose and let that one reason drive you to make it thru to other side of this.
I am no Dr but know that I am definitely going to say a special prayer for you in just a few minutes when i try to go to sleep. I hate to see my fellow addict suffering in any kind of way and if you need to talk I will be more than happy to stay up and talk for a little while longer. I hope that you really believe me when i tell you that you are worth it today and there are many that would be devastated if you would chose to harm yourself . God has kept you here for a reason and please dont give this too much thought as God has and will continue to keep you alive for the sole purpose that one day you walk another addict thru this same problem , stay in the solution my friend , I love you . Cris
I guess after using drugs for 18 yrs of my life I felt like all the while I was taking the wuss way out in commiting suicide and that eventually I would od and my family and myself would finally be relieved of the pain I inflicted by all in my life including myself . But trust and believe if you are still living and breathing today there is most definitely a strong purpose for you . There is someone out there that you will eventually help get thru exactly what you are going thru right now and maybe for today you could accept that as your purpose and let that one reason drive you to make it thru to other side of this.
I am no Dr but know that I am definitely going to say a special prayer for you in just a few minutes when i try to go to sleep. I hate to see my fellow addict suffering in any kind of way and if you need to talk I will be more than happy to stay up and talk for a little while longer. I hope that you really believe me when i tell you that you are worth it today and there are many that would be devastated if you would chose to harm yourself . God has kept you here for a reason and please dont give this too much thought as God has and will continue to keep you alive for the sole purpose that one day you walk another addict thru this same problem , stay in the solution my friend , I love you . Cris
Trooper, I'm not an addict, but I have days where I want to break down and cry. Suicide is not the answer. Talking to someone is, whether it's a doctor or a friend or your mom or even here. We all have days like that..sometimes even twice a week. You're not alone. I'll tell you this though, there is a happy future for you. If it's too much to bear, you go see a doc. In my hardest times I saw a counselor..and it made a world of difference. And my brother, needed medication to relieve his depression. Do whatever you have to to feel better...cause it's worth it...you're worth it. I hope you come here and talk more. and I hope you just check out a counselor. I'd never have believed it could ease my pain like it did. I'll be thinkin of you. luv corrinne
yep, 2 and 1/2 months. Hmphh. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was younger, but I was dabbling with heroin at the time, so who knows how much truth lies in that. All I know is that it seems on a weekly to daily basis I will go through periods of what seems like a mania; Restlesness, severe rage, then severe excitability, extreme happiness, and then severe depression/ apathy. Some days I just have no motivation to do anything, others I feel like I have so much energy that the only way to relieve it would be to put my head through a wall! And then there are periods like these, where I have absolutley no will to live, and everything makes me cry!!! Sometimes I will go through days of having the same emotion, others the entire range of emotion all in one day!! At the times where I have to much energy I always seem to do something self destructive, drinking getting into fights. Not sure if this is from the lack of sedation that I am used to or if I have a disorder?!?!
Hi Trooper
You posted today on the family board to myself and Onyx regarding the lost of her fiancee and my best friend. You were very kind and understanding of our loss and the sadness involved due to your knowledge first hand. Knowing that, I would hope you would get some medical help with this situation as someone who is as kind as you obviously are to answer a post to people in pain proves you have allot to offer the world.
Please seek assistance when/where you can. I will remember you in my prayers along with onyx and your friend.
Confused
You posted today on the family board to myself and Onyx regarding the lost of her fiancee and my best friend. You were very kind and understanding of our loss and the sadness involved due to your knowledge first hand. Knowing that, I would hope you would get some medical help with this situation as someone who is as kind as you obviously are to answer a post to people in pain proves you have allot to offer the world.
Please seek assistance when/where you can. I will remember you in my prayers along with onyx and your friend.
Confused
yes trooper i went through this also,tried to commit suicide too, read biggs' direy there is most of my story.i didnt know why i felt like this till i found out i was bipolar.my doctor put me on meds and i feel much better.i have gone off my meds a couple of times and when i do i start to feel that way again.i cant stress enough to seek out medical advise before you do something to yourself!
Thanks guest, corrine and Cris, your words do mean alot! <3. This message board is currently my recovery system, as the NA meetings here are usually filled with people in active addiction and dope dealers. :( I guess it could very well be that I am not used to feeling emotions, as I have doped them down in some way or another for so long, it's sad but it's just so hard! I am currently not on any meds... In the past I have been on cymbalta, celexa,xanax and zoloft and none of them really seemed to help. I guess I am scred, well I am scred to tell the Dr. about the suicidal thoughts, I am afraid that they are going to lock me up? Pretty childish just something I've never really faced, when it comes to Dr's and my mental condition I was always lieing to them and telling them I felt fine after I saw the meds werent doing anything. Thank you for the advice everyone!
Hey bruce, I will definatley go and read your diary. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes, like constantly having a nervous breakdown for no reason!! I am going to call my Dr. tomorrow, these feelings are scary, and as confused mentioned I have lost a friend to the same deal. I see thier pain and when I relive the pain of my friends death, well, thats what keeps me from trying again for a second time, I just couldn't put my family through the sorrow that comes with that type of loss. Thank you for your kind words confused. Bruce the fact that you have gone through this and found a medication system that works for you gives me hope that I will not have to live this way forever, thank you for sharing that with me. :)
Trooper, you be honest with those docs. My brother was considered a "loon" and once he admitted his true feelings and thoughts, they discovered that he needed to be on Lithium, and it changed his life. He fought it for a few years, going off the meds, partying..but it's been a good ten years now, and he is in rare form. You will get a lot of emotional support here. Sure helps in any situation when someone's walked in your shoes. My daughter is 7 months sober..her world has changed slowly from that alone. so there's plenty of hope for you. You are a brave one...just doing this takes courage and a deep want to change..and you will. I'll be watching out for you. luv corrinne
Trooper,
You are most welcome, I do believe I am just returning your kindness from earlier today. It is people like you who give me hope that as Darin says my friends passing was not in vain. If one other person takes a different road than he did I will be forever grateful. I hope that person today is you Trooper.
Smile, someone is thinking of you right now and appreciates the hope you gave them.
Confused
You are most welcome, I do believe I am just returning your kindness from earlier today. It is people like you who give me hope that as Darin says my friends passing was not in vain. If one other person takes a different road than he did I will be forever grateful. I hope that person today is you Trooper.
Smile, someone is thinking of you right now and appreciates the hope you gave them.
Confused
hey trooper-
i have a pretty odd way of thinking-
a lot of people disagree with me
on my personal method of
recovering, but it seems to work
for me.
use your crazy mental spasms to
do something creative. write down
your thoughts when you feel this way
but hide them
so nobody will snoop and find it. you'll
find it pretty amusing to go
back and read what you wrote
after a couple days.
i am serious about music, it will balance you-
ever heard of music therapy?
what kind of hobbies do you have?
what do you enjoy doing? or what did you
used to enjoy doing?
i might just be giving silly advice,
i was on oxycontin/heroin for only
1 year and a half. i managed to keep
my dose down pretty low so that going
through withdrawal wasn't a major issue.
but this is what i found to be most
helpful for me. =)
i have a pretty odd way of thinking-
a lot of people disagree with me
on my personal method of
recovering, but it seems to work
for me.
use your crazy mental spasms to
do something creative. write down
your thoughts when you feel this way
but hide them
so nobody will snoop and find it. you'll
find it pretty amusing to go
back and read what you wrote
after a couple days.
i am serious about music, it will balance you-
ever heard of music therapy?
what kind of hobbies do you have?
what do you enjoy doing? or what did you
used to enjoy doing?
i might just be giving silly advice,
i was on oxycontin/heroin for only
1 year and a half. i managed to keep
my dose down pretty low so that going
through withdrawal wasn't a major issue.
but this is what i found to be most
helpful for me. =)
Hey guest; Music does help some of the time, but right now I am so depressed that I can't even listen to anything, though it does bring my mind peace in times of choas. I usually do alot of drawing, but I am so stupidly down on myself that I hate every peice that I do. Sounds rediculous, ha ha, I know, but that is the ugliness of my mind. Your advice is really golden, not silly, because it is a proven pick me up at times. In moments like these I just loathe myself so much that it gets frustrating, and the more I whine the worse it gets!!! I am definatley talking to the DR. tomorrow. At least I have cigarettes right now, ha ha.
trooper-
i don't really know what else to say, except
that i hope you can find something healthy to
balance your brain.
remember it has only been a couple months,
you are trying to adjust to life- after 7 years of
being stuck in the hole, it's got to be hard
learning how to live all over again.
just give yourself time
and believe in yourself.
this is just the beginning.
-and i'm with ya on the cigarettes! i smoke about
a pack a day, i ought to slow down, but one
addiction at a time. he he.
i don't really know what else to say, except
that i hope you can find something healthy to
balance your brain.
remember it has only been a couple months,
you are trying to adjust to life- after 7 years of
being stuck in the hole, it's got to be hard
learning how to live all over again.
just give yourself time
and believe in yourself.
this is just the beginning.
-and i'm with ya on the cigarettes! i smoke about
a pack a day, i ought to slow down, but one
addiction at a time. he he.
i'm no longer guest, i think i like this place.
=)
=)
