Hello im a dad of three lovely children and a carer for my partner who has mental health problems.My problem is this, i started smoking weed at 15 as you do with mates, it started as a laugh we all did it then but as the years have gone by all my mates have moved on from smoking but i have struggled to be honest i cant remember a day i havent had a joint since i started unless there is none about and it doesnt help my dealer who i have known since school happens to come round everyday with some smoke making it so easy to have some if i say i cant afford he will do tick till whenever,also my partner smokes with me as she says it help her condition i feel so trapped i would dearly love to be a great dad who wants to see what life is really like as i feel so useless as a person, the guilt as i drift of to sleep is killing me please can someone offer me some advice all my love
HI, I very much relate to your story. I started getting high during the summer of my 16th birthday. It was just for kicks in the beginningit was just no big deal. That fall, I happened on some very good dopesome Columbian, which was just starting to make its way around in the States. I got stoned on that stuff one night and from that day on I do not think I missed a day for the next 18 years.
I always thought I could handle it pretty well. I was smart and got through college and professional school. I never quite felt like I fit in though, and pot was always a constant in my life.
Eventually my life began to unravel at the seams. My mother passed away and I took it really hard. A relationship failed, then another. My job performance began to suffer.
I sought mental help and got with a good therapist. It took about two years of intensive therapy for me to realize that I am an addict. I did not think I was an addict because after all, it was just pot. I just thought I liked it more than everyone else. Eventually my denial was shattered and I realized that it does not matter which drug you prefer, a junkie is a junkie.
I could not risk going to rehab, and in those days, people did not even recognize pot as an addictive drug, much less something that required rehab. So instead, I went to an NA meeting. I listened carefully to what they had to say and decided that I either had to go all in on this or not at all. I took their suggestions and tried to follow the program.
I never really expected to be able to stay clean for more than a day or two, so it was kind of surprising to me that I managed to overcome numerous near slips and stay clean. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.
I have not had a single hit of dope since February 28th, 1990. That is not a typo. It will be 19 years this spring. FWIW I also chose to cease all other drugs, including alcohol. The only mood altering drugs I have taken in the last 19 years were prescribed by doctors in connection with a bad case of cancer I had a few years ago.
You can do it to. All you have to do is set aside your pride, find a meeting, and listen to what they have to say.
Good luck.
August
I always thought I could handle it pretty well. I was smart and got through college and professional school. I never quite felt like I fit in though, and pot was always a constant in my life.
Eventually my life began to unravel at the seams. My mother passed away and I took it really hard. A relationship failed, then another. My job performance began to suffer.
I sought mental help and got with a good therapist. It took about two years of intensive therapy for me to realize that I am an addict. I did not think I was an addict because after all, it was just pot. I just thought I liked it more than everyone else. Eventually my denial was shattered and I realized that it does not matter which drug you prefer, a junkie is a junkie.
I could not risk going to rehab, and in those days, people did not even recognize pot as an addictive drug, much less something that required rehab. So instead, I went to an NA meeting. I listened carefully to what they had to say and decided that I either had to go all in on this or not at all. I took their suggestions and tried to follow the program.
I never really expected to be able to stay clean for more than a day or two, so it was kind of surprising to me that I managed to overcome numerous near slips and stay clean. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.
I have not had a single hit of dope since February 28th, 1990. That is not a typo. It will be 19 years this spring. FWIW I also chose to cease all other drugs, including alcohol. The only mood altering drugs I have taken in the last 19 years were prescribed by doctors in connection with a bad case of cancer I had a few years ago.
You can do it to. All you have to do is set aside your pride, find a meeting, and listen to what they have to say.
Good luck.
August
Just had to respond to your post ( I am in the UK as well)
I smoked my last joint in July 2007 at the age of 36 having been smoking daily (morning,noon and night!) since the age of 18/19. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.............but I did it. I never ever thought that I could live and be happy without the pot, it ruled my life.
It has been a tough journey, I personally chose to do the journey without the help of any NA meetings. My opinion was that I'd got myself into that mess so I should jolly well get myself out of it again. I did it through sheer willpower. I was luckily able to move from London to the West Country about half way through my recovery and completely away from my supply and that has helped enormously. Thankfully I would not know where to score these days even if I wanted to.
Despite 16 months clean I still have the odd craving but mostly I am 'cured'. Most days I don't think about it, it is no longer in my life, I have 'dumped' it!!! I no longer have that horrid empty feeling that I always used to get when I ran out of pot, I am back to normal and I cannot quite believe it.
I understand your scared feeling. Don't be scared, YOU CAN do it. You just have to really want to and in my opinion you need to remove yourself from your supply and the temptation to smoke. Other people will recommend NA meetings, try them they may help.
I won't kid you, in my opinion the first few months of quitting were hell.............but the long term benefits and natural high of knowing that you did it are well worth it in the end.
Best wishes, good luck.
Ruby
I smoked my last joint in July 2007 at the age of 36 having been smoking daily (morning,noon and night!) since the age of 18/19. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.............but I did it. I never ever thought that I could live and be happy without the pot, it ruled my life.
It has been a tough journey, I personally chose to do the journey without the help of any NA meetings. My opinion was that I'd got myself into that mess so I should jolly well get myself out of it again. I did it through sheer willpower. I was luckily able to move from London to the West Country about half way through my recovery and completely away from my supply and that has helped enormously. Thankfully I would not know where to score these days even if I wanted to.
Despite 16 months clean I still have the odd craving but mostly I am 'cured'. Most days I don't think about it, it is no longer in my life, I have 'dumped' it!!! I no longer have that horrid empty feeling that I always used to get when I ran out of pot, I am back to normal and I cannot quite believe it.
I understand your scared feeling. Don't be scared, YOU CAN do it. You just have to really want to and in my opinion you need to remove yourself from your supply and the temptation to smoke. Other people will recommend NA meetings, try them they may help.
I won't kid you, in my opinion the first few months of quitting were hell.............but the long term benefits and natural high of knowing that you did it are well worth it in the end.
Best wishes, good luck.
Ruby
Hi there all my love,
I am 40 years old and I too have smoked since I was 15. Back then it was cool all my friends and family did it and as the years went by only some of us became addicts. I have 2 boys and a baby on the way I am a single mum. Over the years I have lost everything, but my dignity. Today I am on my 2nd day without weed and finally have the right frame of mind to give up it has taken a long time and I know it won't be easy but I can no longer be a pot head. I to have friends that are more than happy to sell me there weed in fact one just rang then and I don't take their calls anymore NO MORE ...I was the biggest pot head ever. These friends there not friends there dealers you think they are your friends because you are hooked get off it do what you have too its tough but I beleive you can do if I can you can my Dad smoked even longer than me he gave up my son started smoking it I didn't approve he gave up. I believe you can do it. Do it with me, do it for you one day one minute one hour , I know I am not cured but my mind is made I can still get it but I NOW CHOOSE NOT TOO... I wish you the best of luck you will know when the time is right.
Love to you and your family I have chosen to stay away from all users and drinkers and cig smokers I have too it's the only way for me A Million little pieces by James Frey helped me whether the book is true or not the story is great read it it may help stay strong it is very hard when your partner smoke too I had that probelm too. I tried all ways all ways too stop WILL POWER is my only way bye take care be strong
I am 40 years old and I too have smoked since I was 15. Back then it was cool all my friends and family did it and as the years went by only some of us became addicts. I have 2 boys and a baby on the way I am a single mum. Over the years I have lost everything, but my dignity. Today I am on my 2nd day without weed and finally have the right frame of mind to give up it has taken a long time and I know it won't be easy but I can no longer be a pot head. I to have friends that are more than happy to sell me there weed in fact one just rang then and I don't take their calls anymore NO MORE ...I was the biggest pot head ever. These friends there not friends there dealers you think they are your friends because you are hooked get off it do what you have too its tough but I beleive you can do if I can you can my Dad smoked even longer than me he gave up my son started smoking it I didn't approve he gave up. I believe you can do it. Do it with me, do it for you one day one minute one hour , I know I am not cured but my mind is made I can still get it but I NOW CHOOSE NOT TOO... I wish you the best of luck you will know when the time is right.
Love to you and your family I have chosen to stay away from all users and drinkers and cig smokers I have too it's the only way for me A Million little pieces by James Frey helped me whether the book is true or not the story is great read it it may help stay strong it is very hard when your partner smoke too I had that probelm too. I tried all ways all ways too stop WILL POWER is my only way bye take care be strong
Hi mga73
I have now done 4 days and it's been tough but I am still alive. Don't feel like a useless Dad I am sure you are a great Dad. Don't feel shame thats what keeps us smoking . U can do I have done my sister has done it and my father we all smoked longer than you have and we felt just as bad as you have. Get though one day at a time one hour one minute sweat it out pick a day that suits first tell the kids whats happening. Sit in the shower read eat drink water walk rest talk get help for your partner if possible. I hope you don't mind my advice my father and mother smoked from the 70's I grew up with plants growing in my room I hated weed. But at 15 I felt left out I joined them and never stopped now my son is 15 and I worry he will smoke he already has but says he doesn't like it...the years go by so fast there is no time for guilt or shame thats why I never stopped everyone knew anyway. I worked in Pathology for 10 years and hid my habit or so I thought. Now I don't work I will again I know I will. Love yourself read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey it may help. Good Luck you are not alone there are millions of us in the world you have no reason to be ashamed.
Take care love to all your family your partner too xxxxxx
I have now done 4 days and it's been tough but I am still alive. Don't feel like a useless Dad I am sure you are a great Dad. Don't feel shame thats what keeps us smoking . U can do I have done my sister has done it and my father we all smoked longer than you have and we felt just as bad as you have. Get though one day at a time one hour one minute sweat it out pick a day that suits first tell the kids whats happening. Sit in the shower read eat drink water walk rest talk get help for your partner if possible. I hope you don't mind my advice my father and mother smoked from the 70's I grew up with plants growing in my room I hated weed. But at 15 I felt left out I joined them and never stopped now my son is 15 and I worry he will smoke he already has but says he doesn't like it...the years go by so fast there is no time for guilt or shame thats why I never stopped everyone knew anyway. I worked in Pathology for 10 years and hid my habit or so I thought. Now I don't work I will again I know I will. Love yourself read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey it may help. Good Luck you are not alone there are millions of us in the world you have no reason to be ashamed.
Take care love to all your family your partner too xxxxxx
Hi
I have read your messages i am very touched,to share the experince with people is great.It has only been two days now without a smoke and i already am starting to feel alive and i am not as stressed,both me and my partner are trying we will not answer the phone or answer the door to my so called freind, one day at a time i will keep you posted on our progress, again thankyou from the bottom of my heart i will do my best x
I have read your messages i am very touched,to share the experince with people is great.It has only been two days now without a smoke and i already am starting to feel alive and i am not as stressed,both me and my partner are trying we will not answer the phone or answer the door to my so called freind, one day at a time i will keep you posted on our progress, again thankyou from the bottom of my heart i will do my best x
MGA
Thats great news so happy for you both !!!!!
I am on day 11 now and starting to feel better it's been tough but I will never go back to it. I to have to keep the door shut and the phone calls limited. I have found out since blogging here that my old dealer is now dying of cancer she is 37 and yes I thought she was a friend. It really is tough but bloody good on you both just the best news. My boys are happy and my unborn baby is too 25 years I smoked day and night. I am 40 now and yes it's strange but no more I have lost my friends they are strange already to me so what if they don't like me straight tough. And money I have it again weird. If you get itchy skin use a cold facewasher and wipe it over. Drink coke and tea , cry , sleep , do what ever it takes, hung each other. Your kids will be so proud mine are we are there heros and you are both great parents I can tell . Bloody rippa you have made my day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats great news so happy for you both !!!!!
I am on day 11 now and starting to feel better it's been tough but I will never go back to it. I to have to keep the door shut and the phone calls limited. I have found out since blogging here that my old dealer is now dying of cancer she is 37 and yes I thought she was a friend. It really is tough but bloody good on you both just the best news. My boys are happy and my unborn baby is too 25 years I smoked day and night. I am 40 now and yes it's strange but no more I have lost my friends they are strange already to me so what if they don't like me straight tough. And money I have it again weird. If you get itchy skin use a cold facewasher and wipe it over. Drink coke and tea , cry , sleep , do what ever it takes, hung each other. Your kids will be so proud mine are we are there heros and you are both great parents I can tell . Bloody rippa you have made my day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't give up guys I am day 16 it's been tough but feeling much better now !!!
Hang in there !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or try again if you have relapsed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hang in there !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or try again if you have relapsed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello to everyone here,
I am so happy to have found this forum and i am really, really touched by all the posts i have read here so far (tania especially and dad) who are trying or should say have STOPPED smoking pot.
It is my first time ever that i am posting on this subject. I have been wanting to come to the internet for awhile now, wondering if there were people who are addicted to pot like i am.
I just turned 50 yrs old and i have been smoking pot for at least 25 yrs on a regular basis.I spend ALOT of money on weed and everybody i know knows i smoke and that i smoke way too much. I cannot go a day without it. I've seen myself cry and having a fit if i thought i wasn,t going to have it for the day. I rush home from work to smoke it. I love it and always have but now i'm at a point in my life where i really, really want to stop being addicted to weed. I have been addicted to cocaine in the past (7yrs straight i took it) and one day i just quit. Three years ago, i gave up cigarettes. I used to drink but now i hardly ever drink. Once or twice a year i drink and get drunk but otherwise i smoke, and smoke, and smoke. I am so sick of it and i really really want to quit. I can see how it is ruling my life, how i cannot live without it, how i find it relaxes me and so forth but the thing is, i find myself not doing things because i prefer smoking pot.
I have been with my spouse for more than 19 years. He also smokes but much much less than i. My smoking has caused troubled in our relationship and although he has never asked me to stopped, i know if i quit, it would be one less stressfull think to deal with in our relationship.
But you know what, the REAL REASON i want to quit smoking pot is because i really, really want to feel life again in a natural way. I have two beautiful grand-daughters that i know i could spend so much more time with if i didn,t smoke. When they are around us, i constantly have to find excuses to go out and smoke instead of enjoying their company.
I also spend alot of money on weed. Alot of money and when i think of it is used to say, oh well, what is the difference spending it on pot or on somthing else. At lease. pot makes me feel good. But now, i am 50, and i am starting to get real tired of seeing hundreds of dollars every month going to someone else every time i buy pot. I even have my own pusher who calls me when the stuff is in. He'll even come to my place and drop it off. I have a nephew in anouther country that i have now seen in 15 years and if i wouldn't spend so much money on pot,i would be able to go see him three times a year and believe me he lives very,very,very far from where i live. I have not seen a niece and another nephew because i always say i don,t have money to travel. I wonder why. I haven't seen a brother who lives at the other end of the country i live it in for at least four years. I always say i don't have enough money to go and visit him although he is getting more and more sick by the day and he is completely alone, no kids, no wife.
For several nights now, i have said to myself that the next morning when i would wake up, i would not smoke. I smoked every single day since i have said this.
HELP!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading me.
I am so happy to have found this forum and i am really, really touched by all the posts i have read here so far (tania especially and dad) who are trying or should say have STOPPED smoking pot.
It is my first time ever that i am posting on this subject. I have been wanting to come to the internet for awhile now, wondering if there were people who are addicted to pot like i am.
I just turned 50 yrs old and i have been smoking pot for at least 25 yrs on a regular basis.I spend ALOT of money on weed and everybody i know knows i smoke and that i smoke way too much. I cannot go a day without it. I've seen myself cry and having a fit if i thought i wasn,t going to have it for the day. I rush home from work to smoke it. I love it and always have but now i'm at a point in my life where i really, really want to stop being addicted to weed. I have been addicted to cocaine in the past (7yrs straight i took it) and one day i just quit. Three years ago, i gave up cigarettes. I used to drink but now i hardly ever drink. Once or twice a year i drink and get drunk but otherwise i smoke, and smoke, and smoke. I am so sick of it and i really really want to quit. I can see how it is ruling my life, how i cannot live without it, how i find it relaxes me and so forth but the thing is, i find myself not doing things because i prefer smoking pot.
I have been with my spouse for more than 19 years. He also smokes but much much less than i. My smoking has caused troubled in our relationship and although he has never asked me to stopped, i know if i quit, it would be one less stressfull think to deal with in our relationship.
But you know what, the REAL REASON i want to quit smoking pot is because i really, really want to feel life again in a natural way. I have two beautiful grand-daughters that i know i could spend so much more time with if i didn,t smoke. When they are around us, i constantly have to find excuses to go out and smoke instead of enjoying their company.
I also spend alot of money on weed. Alot of money and when i think of it is used to say, oh well, what is the difference spending it on pot or on somthing else. At lease. pot makes me feel good. But now, i am 50, and i am starting to get real tired of seeing hundreds of dollars every month going to someone else every time i buy pot. I even have my own pusher who calls me when the stuff is in. He'll even come to my place and drop it off. I have a nephew in anouther country that i have now seen in 15 years and if i wouldn't spend so much money on pot,i would be able to go see him three times a year and believe me he lives very,very,very far from where i live. I have not seen a niece and another nephew because i always say i don,t have money to travel. I wonder why. I haven't seen a brother who lives at the other end of the country i live it in for at least four years. I always say i don't have enough money to go and visit him although he is getting more and more sick by the day and he is completely alone, no kids, no wife.
For several nights now, i have said to myself that the next morning when i would wake up, i would not smoke. I smoked every single day since i have said this.
HELP!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading me.
Good on you Ruby thats the hardest part just getting it out. I gave up then started again so tommorrow I quit again ! its time WE can do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pot head brain FLEUR I meant to say not Ruby !!!!!!!!!! sorry
Pot head Fleur wanted to tell you Tania, but of course forgot to tell you in my previous post, that i already wrote myself a little note reminding myself to go to the library tomorrow and get the book A million little pieces. Had to write it down cuz i forget everything. I wonder why!!!
Fleur lol great book I think you will like it! Happy New Year !!!
Happy New Year to you to Tania!
I've been up for at least 1 hour on this last day of 2008 and i haven't smoked a joint yet. That is probably the first time in years that i haven't smoked when i got up.
I hate it already, I've already screamed at the cat this morning. I quit cigarettes three years ago and this morning i'm thinking of lighting one up. I also saw at a store ''natural cigarettes',were for sell. I'm going to look into them.
I already had a little self pity party this morning. Thinking ...why,why, why do i have to stop!
I know why.I want to stop being stoned on pot all the time. I want to be natural and not have anything in me. I want to be like i was when i was 16 yrs old and i was so happy and i really, really want to stop giving my money away for pot.
My sister in law does not drink,smoke, nothing and has three children. I don't know how she does it!
It's not even 10 am yet. I'm going out with the dog already for a walk.!!!!!
Man is this ever hard. It is now pass 3 in the afternoon and i am just about to go nuts. I really, really miss my joint and i keep thinking why, why do i have to stop. I've been smoking for more than 25 yrs, i have no biological children (i have 3 step children and two step grand daughters, i have a good job, never been fired, i pay my rent. etc. etc. etc
The main reason i want to stop is because of the money and because i am tired of hiding to smoke a joint. That i am really tired of and i keep insisting it should be legal.
I hadn't seen hubby since yesterday afternoon. He just came in and it didn't take long for me to get angry at him! He smokes (but really just a little) smokes cigarettes and drinks. I know people who drink and get drunk all the time. They never worry it seems about having to quit.
But this is my life story. It seems like i'm always one who has trouble with one thing or the other. everybody says i smoke alot of pot and i know i do and i keep telling myself it's nobody business if i do so why then do i put myself in this position that i have to suffer!
I can see how freaken easy it is to just give up and go back to my addiction. I've smoked three cigarettes since this morning. I quit smoking cigs three years ago because of my health and now look what i am doing to myself. I'm tired.
The main reason i want to stop is because of the money and because i am tired of hiding to smoke a joint. That i am really tired of and i keep insisting it should be legal.
I hadn't seen hubby since yesterday afternoon. He just came in and it didn't take long for me to get angry at him! He smokes (but really just a little) smokes cigarettes and drinks. I know people who drink and get drunk all the time. They never worry it seems about having to quit.
But this is my life story. It seems like i'm always one who has trouble with one thing or the other. everybody says i smoke alot of pot and i know i do and i keep telling myself it's nobody business if i do so why then do i put myself in this position that i have to suffer!
I can see how freaken easy it is to just give up and go back to my addiction. I've smoked three cigarettes since this morning. I quit smoking cigs three years ago because of my health and now look what i am doing to myself. I'm tired.
I so know what your saying ! I don't get it either some of us just have it tougher than others. The cigs won't help it'll just make it harder. It is 9am here I spent New Year alone the last few years I just can't seem to be bothered with people and really there is no-one nice I know. Everyone is into there own lives I spent years being there for so many people and know it's me. I have a 15 year old son he has been good lately, I don't see him much. I also have a 12 year old who has just spent a week at his fathers I am waiting on him to return. And I am pregnant that is a blessing really. All my family live in NZ none here and even if they were they are weird hot and cold always. Mum had it tough with Dad and it seems she will always vent it on me. She has never supported me on anything and still defends the kids Dad who is an abusive control freak. I feel so sad without my weed but I also feel robbed by smoking I have lost my power and I refuse to do that. I to worked for many years but once again it was nver enough hours for my mum even though she never worked with us. She never let me have friends or money or anything I wasn't aloud to sit on the couch or cook dinner she was very controlling and still is. If I try to get away from her calls when it suits here she plays games with my head and twists everything. I feel like a little girl I wish she could she how hard she has made life for me. She let my Dad beat me and never stopped him ever. The probelm is if I say soemthing she laughs it off or says i being a drama queen so nothing is said and i just feel sadder every day. I have never been able to get close to my Dad she won't have it or her family same thing. My children love me and are great she hates this too but they see her bitterness. If I could stop being so f....... nice to her and just stop feeling sorry for her. I would be fine and maybe I would find another probem who knows. We sell our soul when we give in to the weed it makes as easy. I have done and am hanging out too maybe I can quit again I hope so.
Oh Tania, thank you so much for posting. How are you doing?
I've been reading everything on this board all day long. I've read some peoples diaries, Constantine, especially, and i think it will help me with my addiction.
You are so lucky to have children who love you. I have never had any children (really never wanted any however) but when i met hubbie and found out he had three, i truly, truly thanked the Lord. We all get alone fine TODAY except for 18 years it was really hard with the oldest child -she hated me. I prayed and prayed that one day something would happen to her to make her understand how she has made me feel all these years. Well, i don't know what happened exactly, maybe she grew up, but she did get married and it didn,t work out. Divorced after three years with two small children. She has come back to live in our city and ever since then, that is about a year and a half ago, she has been truly, truly nice to me. She even gave me a birthday card this year. First time in 18 years! and she called me for Mother'sDay! I simply could not believe it. All three children know i am the queen of pot! I have never never smoked in front of the children even though the oldest one has smoked around me. She has two beautiful daughters and i just love them and when they come to our home they don't want to leave anymore. I've seen myself not wanting to be around them so i could smoke my joint!!!!! What a waste!
Tania, in regards to your mother, i am so sorry for you. I really,really am. I know a woman who is really cruel to her child and everytime she is around me with her child and says things to that child that breaks my heart, i just want to open my mouth and defend the child. Well, it has happened a couple of times that i defended the child after the mother had said something to her. I keep telling myself one day that child is going to tell her mother to f... o ! I know its coming and i keep telling myself my door is going to be opened to this child because I know what it is liked not to be loved by your mother!
I just don't understand why your mom is so not nice. From what you say about her, the only thing i can think personnally of is jealousy. She is jealous of you and although this could be a hard thing to imagine, i truly believe some women are jealous of their child and this is why they are mean to their children.
I truly, truly feel for you and i don,t know how you can be so strong and not touch the weed. Go Girl! Can i ask you a personal question. Do you live in New Zealand. I've seen pictures of the place and it looks beautiful. I'm in Canada.
I will not be doing anything special tonight or tomorrow night for new year's eve. I don't like parties. Never did.
I cannot believe i haven't smoked a joint in about 20 hours. I cried earlier itoday in hubbies arms out of frustration. I'm going out again now with puppy. We've been out at least twice today already doing walks and its really cold out there. I even took the car and went out this afternoon to a pharmacy - love shopping at pharamcies. All i needed was a bread but i drove all the way at the other end of my neighborhood just to do something. Oh, i bought myself a beautiful raspberry lipstick just to make myself happy!
Thanks for reading me. Looking forward to reading you again.
I've been reading everything on this board all day long. I've read some peoples diaries, Constantine, especially, and i think it will help me with my addiction.
You are so lucky to have children who love you. I have never had any children (really never wanted any however) but when i met hubbie and found out he had three, i truly, truly thanked the Lord. We all get alone fine TODAY except for 18 years it was really hard with the oldest child -she hated me. I prayed and prayed that one day something would happen to her to make her understand how she has made me feel all these years. Well, i don't know what happened exactly, maybe she grew up, but she did get married and it didn,t work out. Divorced after three years with two small children. She has come back to live in our city and ever since then, that is about a year and a half ago, she has been truly, truly nice to me. She even gave me a birthday card this year. First time in 18 years! and she called me for Mother'sDay! I simply could not believe it. All three children know i am the queen of pot! I have never never smoked in front of the children even though the oldest one has smoked around me. She has two beautiful daughters and i just love them and when they come to our home they don't want to leave anymore. I've seen myself not wanting to be around them so i could smoke my joint!!!!! What a waste!
Tania, in regards to your mother, i am so sorry for you. I really,really am. I know a woman who is really cruel to her child and everytime she is around me with her child and says things to that child that breaks my heart, i just want to open my mouth and defend the child. Well, it has happened a couple of times that i defended the child after the mother had said something to her. I keep telling myself one day that child is going to tell her mother to f... o ! I know its coming and i keep telling myself my door is going to be opened to this child because I know what it is liked not to be loved by your mother!
I just don't understand why your mom is so not nice. From what you say about her, the only thing i can think personnally of is jealousy. She is jealous of you and although this could be a hard thing to imagine, i truly believe some women are jealous of their child and this is why they are mean to their children.
I truly, truly feel for you and i don,t know how you can be so strong and not touch the weed. Go Girl! Can i ask you a personal question. Do you live in New Zealand. I've seen pictures of the place and it looks beautiful. I'm in Canada.
I will not be doing anything special tonight or tomorrow night for new year's eve. I don't like parties. Never did.
I cannot believe i haven't smoked a joint in about 20 hours. I cried earlier itoday in hubbies arms out of frustration. I'm going out again now with puppy. We've been out at least twice today already doing walks and its really cold out there. I even took the car and went out this afternoon to a pharmacy - love shopping at pharamcies. All i needed was a bread but i drove all the way at the other end of my neighborhood just to do something. Oh, i bought myself a beautiful raspberry lipstick just to make myself happy!
Thanks for reading me. Looking forward to reading you again.
Hi Fleur thanks so much for understanding I feel somethimes like embarrassed of Mum's behaviour and yes you are right it is jelousy I don't understand it.
I am so proud of you that you have made 20hours thats great. Puppy will be happy and a new lipstick good one. Yes my 15 has givin me years of grief but seems to be settling down now. I live in Brisbane Australia I lived in Nz for 23 years and have lived here since. My boys Dad is Australian so we stayed I don't miss home as much now. I would like to visit Canada my brother lives in Montreal. I have just abused my ex on the phone silly I suppose but I had kept it in so long and just had to let it out. I am pregnant to a really nice man I seen for 3 mths or so we were unsafe for 1min and then bang pregnant I didn't have the heart to have an abortion and I had been on my own for years. He ran for the hills disgusted and I am 28 weeks my money is so tight that the weed just can't work anymore and just going and getting it smoking while pregnant the boys everything I too keep it away from the boys but they know. I felt so good straight for that 23 days. Anyway it's only early so far so good.
I am so proud of you that you have made 20hours thats great. Puppy will be happy and a new lipstick good one. Yes my 15 has givin me years of grief but seems to be settling down now. I live in Brisbane Australia I lived in Nz for 23 years and have lived here since. My boys Dad is Australian so we stayed I don't miss home as much now. I would like to visit Canada my brother lives in Montreal. I have just abused my ex on the phone silly I suppose but I had kept it in so long and just had to let it out. I am pregnant to a really nice man I seen for 3 mths or so we were unsafe for 1min and then bang pregnant I didn't have the heart to have an abortion and I had been on my own for years. He ran for the hills disgusted and I am 28 weeks my money is so tight that the weed just can't work anymore and just going and getting it smoking while pregnant the boys everything I too keep it away from the boys but they know. I felt so good straight for that 23 days. Anyway it's only early so far so good.
Australia. Wow.
I always wanted to ask you when the baby is due and i kept forgetting to ask you. pot head i am.
Will you be having a baby boy or a baby girl? Have you chosen a name? Is the baby due in the May?
I'm so sorry the father of the child you are expecting ran for the hills. Do i understand that means he isn't around you at all these days? If so, you must be one heck of strong woman to go through all this all alone with your family away and all. But then again, i always say you are never better served but by yourself.
I just got into a big argument with hubbie. He's just not the type to dwell on things and talk about things where as i am completly the opposite. He has just threatened me that he will be moving out again February 1st. I grew up with three brothers, I never never thought highly of men. I think this world is the way it is because of the men ruling the world. I often tell hubbie, look who.s raping women and girls, look who is killing their wives after divorce, look at who is beating these women who have to find refuge in a shelter. I was raised by my mother. My parents separated when i was fourn. My supposed father who i saw only about twice in my life did not even recognize me the the second time he saw me and asked me who i was. I was in a bad relationship with a man for more than four years who drank and beat me up when he felt like it. One night, i knew it was coming and while he was rattling on upstairs, i took my cat and left. He gave me all kinds of trouble with finances et so forth. I saw him a few months ago and he yelled out my name. I turned around and gave him the finger. You should have seen his reaction. What did he think? That was going to say oh hi how are you my love! Ya right!
I've also been independent all my life. We were really, really poor. My mom lived on social assistance and when i was 17, i left the province where i was living to go and live in another province five hours away where i studied and obtained a Journalism degree. I worked as a journalist for 18 years writing for a higher education magazine. I've travailled the country and been to beautiful places as a journalist but i just hated my job and in my heart of hearts always knew i wanted to be a translator. So at 35 yrs, i quit my full time job as a journalist and went back to university to obtain my translation degree. I've never ever regretted it although it meant leaving a very good paying job. I had to start professionnally all over again, starting at a really low salary but now things are better and i have a permanent position as a translator with the governement translating from English to French. I really love my job. If only people knew that i am already stoned at 8 o 'clock in the morning when i get into the office!!!. I was born and raised in Qubec, the most beautiful province in Canada where the official language is French. So, i translate from English to French for the government.
I sometimes look at my colleagues at work and wonder how in the heck can they go home after a day at work and not want to relax with a joint!!!!
And because i've always had a good job and money, it has been easy for me to pay my bills and buy my pot. I make sure i pay all my bills before i buy smoke. I've always paid my rent cuz i've always been so scared to find myself on the street.I have a brother who lives in Brasil and another in Calgary (Canada) which is completely at the opposite end of the country i am in. But now, and maybe it's because i just turned 50, i just don't want to be controlled anymore by pot. In fact, i just hate, hate, hate being controlled by anything or anyone and this my hubbie has found very hard to live with.
In about three hours it will be about 24 hours that i haven't smoked a joint. You do not know how proud i am even though it's only been 20 some hours. God i hope i can make it and not go back to it. I'm anxious to see how long it will be before my pusher calls me again to let me know he has some really good stuff!!! Ya right, he's told me that before and i've seen myself giving him hundreds of dollars and all i got in return was s***.!!!
Are you doing alright tonight?
Oh, and just to let you know how nice it must be to be in Australia right now, let me tell you that it is freaking cold here in Canada tonight - 20 out there. It's freezing but it's really nice to see all the Christmas lights on and the snow over them.
Thank you for reading me. I truly appreciate it and i always look forward to reading you.
I always wanted to ask you when the baby is due and i kept forgetting to ask you. pot head i am.
Will you be having a baby boy or a baby girl? Have you chosen a name? Is the baby due in the May?
I'm so sorry the father of the child you are expecting ran for the hills. Do i understand that means he isn't around you at all these days? If so, you must be one heck of strong woman to go through all this all alone with your family away and all. But then again, i always say you are never better served but by yourself.
I just got into a big argument with hubbie. He's just not the type to dwell on things and talk about things where as i am completly the opposite. He has just threatened me that he will be moving out again February 1st. I grew up with three brothers, I never never thought highly of men. I think this world is the way it is because of the men ruling the world. I often tell hubbie, look who.s raping women and girls, look who is killing their wives after divorce, look at who is beating these women who have to find refuge in a shelter. I was raised by my mother. My parents separated when i was fourn. My supposed father who i saw only about twice in my life did not even recognize me the the second time he saw me and asked me who i was. I was in a bad relationship with a man for more than four years who drank and beat me up when he felt like it. One night, i knew it was coming and while he was rattling on upstairs, i took my cat and left. He gave me all kinds of trouble with finances et so forth. I saw him a few months ago and he yelled out my name. I turned around and gave him the finger. You should have seen his reaction. What did he think? That was going to say oh hi how are you my love! Ya right!
I've also been independent all my life. We were really, really poor. My mom lived on social assistance and when i was 17, i left the province where i was living to go and live in another province five hours away where i studied and obtained a Journalism degree. I worked as a journalist for 18 years writing for a higher education magazine. I've travailled the country and been to beautiful places as a journalist but i just hated my job and in my heart of hearts always knew i wanted to be a translator. So at 35 yrs, i quit my full time job as a journalist and went back to university to obtain my translation degree. I've never ever regretted it although it meant leaving a very good paying job. I had to start professionnally all over again, starting at a really low salary but now things are better and i have a permanent position as a translator with the governement translating from English to French. I really love my job. If only people knew that i am already stoned at 8 o 'clock in the morning when i get into the office!!!. I was born and raised in Qubec, the most beautiful province in Canada where the official language is French. So, i translate from English to French for the government.
I sometimes look at my colleagues at work and wonder how in the heck can they go home after a day at work and not want to relax with a joint!!!!
And because i've always had a good job and money, it has been easy for me to pay my bills and buy my pot. I make sure i pay all my bills before i buy smoke. I've always paid my rent cuz i've always been so scared to find myself on the street.I have a brother who lives in Brasil and another in Calgary (Canada) which is completely at the opposite end of the country i am in. But now, and maybe it's because i just turned 50, i just don't want to be controlled anymore by pot. In fact, i just hate, hate, hate being controlled by anything or anyone and this my hubbie has found very hard to live with.
In about three hours it will be about 24 hours that i haven't smoked a joint. You do not know how proud i am even though it's only been 20 some hours. God i hope i can make it and not go back to it. I'm anxious to see how long it will be before my pusher calls me again to let me know he has some really good stuff!!! Ya right, he's told me that before and i've seen myself giving him hundreds of dollars and all i got in return was s***.!!!
Are you doing alright tonight?
Oh, and just to let you know how nice it must be to be in Australia right now, let me tell you that it is freaking cold here in Canada tonight - 20 out there. It's freezing but it's really nice to see all the Christmas lights on and the snow over them.
Thank you for reading me. I truly appreciate it and i always look forward to reading you.
wow interesting life you have had. Thank you for sharing. I am having a girl and her name is or will be Holly so I am really happy about that. Yes Jethroe I haven't seen since the night I got pregnant. After the hell I went though with the boys Dad I have found it easy to be pregnant alone. A bit lonely here and there but all in all easier. Yes men can be real pigs sometimes. You have certainley achieved alot in your life and should be proud of yourself. I really hope you made it though. I went and visited an old friend yesterday it was nice. Australia has been sooooooooo hot but today it's early but feels cooler. I hope things are better with you and your man today realtionships can be tough. I haven't given up yet I tried but couldn't yesterday I have about one day supply and then I WILL STOP I am scared to, as I don't want to go 23 days and give up but if I don't stop I will harm my baby or end up on the street as the rent is getting hard to pay. I can't ever go and buy anymore as I can't stand being told all the bull crapp about it and I feel ashamed infront of my boys and distracted. So tommorrow I will go cold turkey again I really hope you can make it until then and more as I promise I will do it and support you.
I am sorry I couldn't make yesterday but after reading your last post I feel inspired ! Take care opps pot head again 28 weeks yesterday so thats March the 11th approx.
I am sorry I couldn't make yesterday but after reading your last post I feel inspired ! Take care opps pot head again 28 weeks yesterday so thats March the 11th approx.
