hi christina, just read your post about how you think uve f**ked up again etc. an wish i could have been around to offer you sum support on this board, but i wasnt so im sorry 4 that.
I sincerly hope that you are feelin a bit better about the situatiuon now, and dont keep blaming urself- it isnt your fault, none ov it. At the end ov the day you are your lil girls mum an nothing can change that, of course you can't cut her off completly, of course you are gonna wanna pick her up and bring her home,u love her an that aint neva gonna stop. just remeber none of it,iz ur faullt, an dont let rule ur life as well as hers, u gotta b ther for her an if that means letting her stay etc then u gotta do it, i know that despite what i did to my mum she would never let me be on the streets or stay with other junkies coz she loved me and wanted to keep me safe, it is a natural feeling that you have as her mum, its not wrong at all, but like i said just dont let her take the p***.
Hope u r feelin a liittle better anywayz...
Weekend iz here...im going to see my boy 2 day!
Speak 2 ya soon
TM
X
Thanks Tinman
Yeh ya right and I am feeling a bit better about it. Was just a bit low. She's a good kid, apart from being on that s*** hee!
I've had a good talk to her about what "I will and won't" put up with and she seems to understand. Only problem is it depends at what stage she's at when she decides to take any notice of me - like all kids really, regardless of whether they're an addict or not.
I suppose thats where its hard, because some of her behaviour is just "teenage" and some of it is due to her condition. Its just keeping things in perspective, which is harder some days than others.
Its the continual process of taking 1 step forward and 6 steps back, time and time again. Anyway, she's here at the minute so at least I know she's safe tonight. In fact she's been here every night this week except last nite (Fri). She even stayed her and looked after the dog on Wed when I was away on my 2 day residential. I don't usually like her staying in the house when I'm not around but I DO try and show her that I'm prepared to give her a little trust if she doesn't take the p***.
So I'm here - taking one day at a time. Too exhausted to fight it at the moment to be truthful. Anyway I've a mountain of work to get through from now til Sept so at least I have something else to focus on. I believe thats what they call normal adult behaviour - something I seem to have forgotten hee!!
I hope you have or had (depending when you read this) a fantastic weekend with ya lil boy Tinman. Its great to see you doing so well, its so inspiring, you should be so proud of ya self.
ps: u had any luck with da Little Angels doc?
Luv Christina x
Yeh ya right and I am feeling a bit better about it. Was just a bit low. She's a good kid, apart from being on that s*** hee!
I've had a good talk to her about what "I will and won't" put up with and she seems to understand. Only problem is it depends at what stage she's at when she decides to take any notice of me - like all kids really, regardless of whether they're an addict or not.
I suppose thats where its hard, because some of her behaviour is just "teenage" and some of it is due to her condition. Its just keeping things in perspective, which is harder some days than others.
Its the continual process of taking 1 step forward and 6 steps back, time and time again. Anyway, she's here at the minute so at least I know she's safe tonight. In fact she's been here every night this week except last nite (Fri). She even stayed her and looked after the dog on Wed when I was away on my 2 day residential. I don't usually like her staying in the house when I'm not around but I DO try and show her that I'm prepared to give her a little trust if she doesn't take the p***.
So I'm here - taking one day at a time. Too exhausted to fight it at the moment to be truthful. Anyway I've a mountain of work to get through from now til Sept so at least I have something else to focus on. I believe thats what they call normal adult behaviour - something I seem to have forgotten hee!!
I hope you have or had (depending when you read this) a fantastic weekend with ya lil boy Tinman. Its great to see you doing so well, its so inspiring, you should be so proud of ya self.
ps: u had any luck with da Little Angels doc?
Luv Christina x
HI babe,
Yeah I had a good weekend wiv my son, even tho he spent all my money, well i say all, i did go an score-
I know - I'm a complete idiot, but i have accepted the fact now that i am gonna be a pay day junkie an that is that, i know that i will not use any other times, only when i have my giro. I know its not brilliant, coz i am still using, but to cut down from over 100 a day on b and w, to 30 every two weeks, i think, anyway, is really an achievment. Hopefully, in time, my ultimate goal is that i will be able to do it every other pay day, an then every month, etc etc. Its just at the moment i cannot seem to get over the hurdle ov completley not wanting the brown an white. You see on saturday just gone I had 115 in my pocket an the day b4 I asked sum one if they cud score 4 me wen i got payed coz im new 2 the area an i didn't wanna go all the way in2 london 2 get it, he said he would, ov course, he woz getting something out ov it, i know that but it didn't bover me. So, friday nite i went 2 bed, an i was excited about scoring the next day, got my works in a bag etc an went 2 sleep. Wen i woke up saturday moring, 4 sum reason i didn't wanna go an score, an all i woz thinkin' about woz being wiv my boi, i decided that if i met the guy i wud tell him i didn't wanna score ne more.
So i went 2 town an i met the guy, an in my head ther woz like a devil and an angel, one saying do an the other saying don't, after thinking 4 a few minutes, the devil won, i just kept thining "but remember how it feels wen you score, u LOVE it" an that was it...i scored.
Ne way about U - R U ok at the minIT christina ?
What's happenin' wiv your girl at the moment?
Write bak if u can
TIN X
Yeah I had a good weekend wiv my son, even tho he spent all my money, well i say all, i did go an score-
I know - I'm a complete idiot, but i have accepted the fact now that i am gonna be a pay day junkie an that is that, i know that i will not use any other times, only when i have my giro. I know its not brilliant, coz i am still using, but to cut down from over 100 a day on b and w, to 30 every two weeks, i think, anyway, is really an achievment. Hopefully, in time, my ultimate goal is that i will be able to do it every other pay day, an then every month, etc etc. Its just at the moment i cannot seem to get over the hurdle ov completley not wanting the brown an white. You see on saturday just gone I had 115 in my pocket an the day b4 I asked sum one if they cud score 4 me wen i got payed coz im new 2 the area an i didn't wanna go all the way in2 london 2 get it, he said he would, ov course, he woz getting something out ov it, i know that but it didn't bover me. So, friday nite i went 2 bed, an i was excited about scoring the next day, got my works in a bag etc an went 2 sleep. Wen i woke up saturday moring, 4 sum reason i didn't wanna go an score, an all i woz thinkin' about woz being wiv my boi, i decided that if i met the guy i wud tell him i didn't wanna score ne more.
So i went 2 town an i met the guy, an in my head ther woz like a devil and an angel, one saying do an the other saying don't, after thinking 4 a few minutes, the devil won, i just kept thining "but remember how it feels wen you score, u LOVE it" an that was it...i scored.
Ne way about U - R U ok at the minIT christina ?
What's happenin' wiv your girl at the moment?
Write bak if u can
TIN X
Hi Tinman
I'm so glad you had a good weekend with your lil boy. As for you scoring, I think the fact that you are actually thinking towards the future is such an achievement. And to have cut down as much as you have is also something to be proud of. Like you say, it isn't easy fighting the voice of the devil but you were even prepared to give that a go.... good on you man, way to go. You are thinking positively and saying the most important thing for you was to spend time with your son is absolutely golden... you make me proud and also give me hope for my lil girl.
Talking of whom; she's asleep downstairs on the sofa at the min. She has been for hours now, as she'd obviously not long scored before I picked her up after I finished work this evening. She has an appointment with her drug worker tomorrow at 11.00 a.m. so we'll see how that goes. I'm not hoping for anything, that way I can't feel upset & disappointed if nothing comes of it. However, I'm trying to remain positive and still taking one day at a time. PS: Of course if I'm totally honest that last bit is a lye. What I actually mean is I want her to be clean and I want her to be clean NOW so she can live, really live her life. It breaks my heart everytime I look at her and see her sallow looking skin, where there once was a beautiful fresh complexion.
F*** that s*** and f*** the b****** who brought her into contact with it.
I'm ok really, just having a bit of a vent... feel better NOW
LUV Christina x
I'm so glad you had a good weekend with your lil boy. As for you scoring, I think the fact that you are actually thinking towards the future is such an achievement. And to have cut down as much as you have is also something to be proud of. Like you say, it isn't easy fighting the voice of the devil but you were even prepared to give that a go.... good on you man, way to go. You are thinking positively and saying the most important thing for you was to spend time with your son is absolutely golden... you make me proud and also give me hope for my lil girl.
Talking of whom; she's asleep downstairs on the sofa at the min. She has been for hours now, as she'd obviously not long scored before I picked her up after I finished work this evening. She has an appointment with her drug worker tomorrow at 11.00 a.m. so we'll see how that goes. I'm not hoping for anything, that way I can't feel upset & disappointed if nothing comes of it. However, I'm trying to remain positive and still taking one day at a time. PS: Of course if I'm totally honest that last bit is a lye. What I actually mean is I want her to be clean and I want her to be clean NOW so she can live, really live her life. It breaks my heart everytime I look at her and see her sallow looking skin, where there once was a beautiful fresh complexion.
F*** that s*** and f*** the b****** who brought her into contact with it.
I'm ok really, just having a bit of a vent... feel better NOW
LUV Christina x
hi christina,
how goes it?? Did you an ur lil girl go to the key work session on wednesday? wots been happnin these last couple ov days?
You know christina, i know that you wanna see your girl off the s*** NOW ov course u do but it aint gonna happen overnite u no. Its bnot your fault that it aint gonna either, as i hav sed b4 just giv it time an she will no wen she no's..
TM
how goes it?? Did you an ur lil girl go to the key work session on wednesday? wots been happnin these last couple ov days?
You know christina, i know that you wanna see your girl off the s*** NOW ov course u do but it aint gonna happen overnite u no. Its bnot your fault that it aint gonna either, as i hav sed b4 just giv it time an she will no wen she no's..
TM
Hey Tinman whats going on with you man???
I've not been on for a bit but coming on today I'm shocked!! I can't believe what I'm seeing. Whats happened??? As I read through how your lil boy made your birthday by sending you that card I was so delighted, then as I read through the posts I discover you are talking about topping yourself. Surely those feelings you talked about being your best birthday ever must count for something.
You have so much to live for....... how about your son!! You make him proud to call you his dad. How many kids would get off their arses and walk to school just so they could get their old man a birthday card hey? Not many.
What kind of memory do you think you'll be leaving him with Tinman? He loves you and its sooooooo obvious you love him and think the world of him. Stop torturing yourself please.... you've made me cry buckets reading your posts.
My lil girl needs me and I need you my friend... I've had a terrible few days, and just to top it off my car failed its MOT and is gona cost hundred's of to put right. I don't have the or the will to even think about it but I need a car to get to work etc. so I have to get it sorted. Best get my lottery ticket tonight!
My lil girl did see her drug worker last week and it seemed to go well. She said it was a real positive step that she was coming home every night and wants to spend time with me. She's not going to just put her back on script this time though, she's going to make Sarah work for it and prove she has more motivation and will power. I think this will be good for her to realise that she isn't controlling the situation, as seems to have happened in the past. I still look at her and it just breaks my heart when I think what she's got into but I just deal with it and take one day at a time. You know all the baggage that this s*** brings and its not easy.
I just hope that by spending more time at home she will realise what she's missing by not being in control of being able to enjoy all the comforts that non-addicts are privileged to, if that makes sense. I know what I mean in my head but not sure if it makes sense on paper mmmm.......
I am stronger now and that has more of a positive affect on her too. I will not budge about decisions I make and I WILL NOT make special journies to get her either. Like I say I'm taking one day at a time and not holding my breath. Talking of which..... Tinman you better get yourself back on here. We need you!
You have so much to offer and give so much.
My inspiration to carry on, comes from you..... so PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK TO US.
I'm holding you in my thoughts my good man
LOADS OF LUV 2 U
Christina
I've not been on for a bit but coming on today I'm shocked!! I can't believe what I'm seeing. Whats happened??? As I read through how your lil boy made your birthday by sending you that card I was so delighted, then as I read through the posts I discover you are talking about topping yourself. Surely those feelings you talked about being your best birthday ever must count for something.
You have so much to live for....... how about your son!! You make him proud to call you his dad. How many kids would get off their arses and walk to school just so they could get their old man a birthday card hey? Not many.
What kind of memory do you think you'll be leaving him with Tinman? He loves you and its sooooooo obvious you love him and think the world of him. Stop torturing yourself please.... you've made me cry buckets reading your posts.
My lil girl needs me and I need you my friend... I've had a terrible few days, and just to top it off my car failed its MOT and is gona cost hundred's of to put right. I don't have the or the will to even think about it but I need a car to get to work etc. so I have to get it sorted. Best get my lottery ticket tonight!
My lil girl did see her drug worker last week and it seemed to go well. She said it was a real positive step that she was coming home every night and wants to spend time with me. She's not going to just put her back on script this time though, she's going to make Sarah work for it and prove she has more motivation and will power. I think this will be good for her to realise that she isn't controlling the situation, as seems to have happened in the past. I still look at her and it just breaks my heart when I think what she's got into but I just deal with it and take one day at a time. You know all the baggage that this s*** brings and its not easy.
I just hope that by spending more time at home she will realise what she's missing by not being in control of being able to enjoy all the comforts that non-addicts are privileged to, if that makes sense. I know what I mean in my head but not sure if it makes sense on paper mmmm.......
I am stronger now and that has more of a positive affect on her too. I will not budge about decisions I make and I WILL NOT make special journies to get her either. Like I say I'm taking one day at a time and not holding my breath. Talking of which..... Tinman you better get yourself back on here. We need you!
You have so much to offer and give so much.
My inspiration to carry on, comes from you..... so PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK TO US.
I'm holding you in my thoughts my good man
LOADS OF LUV 2 U
Christina
