8 easy ways to SPOT an Emotional Munipulator
Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-****** can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol bulls*** meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. Youll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bulls*** meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, hell having you offering to bend over and be ****** one more time, "anything you want dear." Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bulls*** meter and safeguard against possible attack.
1.There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didnt want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (dont be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since theyve said the words youre pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - dont capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bulls***. If it feels like bulls*** - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - its added to their hit list and youll be fed a steady diet of this ****.
2.An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didnt volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they dont really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesnt seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they dont want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the -man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3.Crazy making - saying one thing & later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of whats been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and theyll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posteritys sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If youre toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol bulls*** meter should be flashing steady by now!
4.Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didnt want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other peoples battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bulls*** meter once again.
5.Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They dont deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. Theyll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off **** to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know Ill support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their a** looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you cant expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and itll probably wind your butt in jail.
6.If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. Its hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Dont bother - TRUST your gut and away!
7.Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8.Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR a** TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it - away and never look back. Make it a rule!
wow cynical one one of the best posts i have read yet, thank you!!
carol
carol
That was my ex to a "T".
Thank God I'm out!!!!!
Thank God I'm out!!!!!
Great post, if I ever get my printer to work I'm going to print it out.
Dolly
Dolly
That was one of the best. Is this all from your personal experience. I also would print it if my printer worked. Your post makes a lot of things clear. It's been so hard to wallk around thinking I'm crazy all this time!
I hope you are still working on that book. I will be first in line to buy it!
I'll be second in line behinfd Mom!
That sounds like a normal evening back from work with my EX! I am not even kidding. When things started really getting horrible - it was all 8 in the 4 waking hours we would spend together. EXHAUSTING - I tell you.
One of my first clues that my relationship was somewhat off kilter was the "if I had a headache - he had a brain tumor." In 5 years of marriage there was not one day where even if I was burning up with a fever - he he was nt somehow much worse. So I would get up and cook (his ailments never dereailed his apetite!) and feed the baby and put the baby to sleep and clean the kitchen. On one level I would defenetly just be boiling over inside - knowing that he was fine was just laying around doing nothing knowing that I was burning up with fever and taking care of things. But I will also admit that on another wierd level I would feel really proud of my self - like I was superwoman and I could do it all and for it I had his undying love and admiration.....guess I was wrong!
Are you writing a book cynical 1? I want to get a copy out here in Portugal so make sure you let me know.
One of my first clues that my relationship was somewhat off kilter was the "if I had a headache - he had a brain tumor." In 5 years of marriage there was not one day where even if I was burning up with a fever - he he was nt somehow much worse. So I would get up and cook (his ailments never dereailed his apetite!) and feed the baby and put the baby to sleep and clean the kitchen. On one level I would defenetly just be boiling over inside - knowing that he was fine was just laying around doing nothing knowing that I was burning up with fever and taking care of things. But I will also admit that on another wierd level I would feel really proud of my self - like I was superwoman and I could do it all and for it I had his undying love and admiration.....guess I was wrong!
Are you writing a book cynical 1? I want to get a copy out here in Portugal so make sure you let me know.
Just one of these things that has been dancing in mind since yesterday....
an emotional manipulator: are they born that way - just character traits? Do they become that way consciously to reach their goals? Something they do without even really realizing it? Are these skills learned after they become addicts - or do these go hand in hand in hand with other characteristics that would make them addicts?
Bottom Line:
was he always that way and I did nt see it. Did he slowly become that way as he progressed in addiction? Was he purposfully mean and manipulative to watch me squirm? OR Did he never even realize it?
an emotional manipulator: are they born that way - just character traits? Do they become that way consciously to reach their goals? Something they do without even really realizing it? Are these skills learned after they become addicts - or do these go hand in hand in hand with other characteristics that would make them addicts?
Bottom Line:
was he always that way and I did nt see it. Did he slowly become that way as he progressed in addiction? Was he purposfully mean and manipulative to watch me squirm? OR Did he never even realize it?
BUMP
Cynicalon: You are too good!!!!!
BRAVO!!!!! that was my life. it got so bad that i thought i was going crazy.
THANKS
THANKS
have a question .. I am at the moment currantly in the end of a 5 year relationship to a meth addict who is also .. One of the best Emotional Manipulators i have ever met.. He learned this honestly .. by .. his mother.. Call me Nieve or just plain a liar but i did not realise he had the Addiction so to speak until this year when he up and vanished on me and the kids not once but 2 times.. His family in an incredibly enabling family .. their logic ? just do it in front of us so we know where you are.. Come to find out this entire time his sister has been using with him .. As the pieces of the last 5 years come together it All makes sense.. She called here a couple months ago when we had Not heard from her in 3 months and said to her brother .. I'm coming there to get you tomorrow at 12:30 .. actually this was left on the machine.. She Never heard back from us .. and Never said do you two have plans etc.. Nothing .. So the next day when we weren't there she called back and said Of course you're not there this is the day you're supposed to spend with me .. Thanks alot.. and hung up .. I passed this on to my partner who finally decided to leave me .. The reason? i had just found out she was getting high with him 3 months prior.. and calling again becuz she Needed a fix.. This was confirmed to me by her own son .. I gave him whether Right or Wrong ... the choice.. of going or Staying .. but not coming back .. I have a No tolerance to drugs whatsoever in my home with my children .. All he could say is becuz you won't let me go to lunch with her and becuz you are making me choose between you and my family you hate them .. He minimised it and would not come clean with what i already knew.. he therefore left and went on a binge.. Left me mind you .. 2 months financially behind in Everything .. and 1 week After i had surgery .. and was not even supposed to lift our baby yet.. with a Full basement to be cleaned out within 3 weeks.. to make a long story short.. He then called to say he's going back to his home town for a month .. and after a month extended it to another.. Well .. Still he would call once a week .. once every other week .. and leave these messages of I love you I miss you on my phone.. etc.. He called me on Mother's day and when i confronted him he continued to make me 2nd guess what was really going on and said to me Why do you gotta do this to ME on Mother's day .. Well .. Since then i have decided after being here for 2 months that i cannot be in this kind of relationship and for the first time in 5 years i am truly following through .. He has rang my phone off the hook tonight etc.. with i am thousands of miles away and you gotta do this to ME now.. this is in reference to my answering One call .. saying the Games are Over .. and not responding again .. My fear ? We have a toddler together right now and here is a man i Never thought would treat me the way he has in the last 2 months especially .. and .. he comes home in 2 weeks.. I'm somewhat unsure of how this will go .. but am more or less bracing for War.. Wondering what kind of violence this will lead to in the future.. I am still sitting here telling myself this is so and so .. he would Never hurt me .. but he is Not Only a manipulator but a meth addict as well when things get tough .. Well thinking back on some of the angrier times with him that i can now relate to meth comedowns.. am wondering what his next moves will be.. We've been through some real trying times.. Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and wondering if emotional manipulation is a lie all around.. are they able to Really feel ? makes me wonder.. and does this mean they have always used you etc.. is it lack of growth .. why do they do it .. not sure where i'm going with this .. not asking anyone to predict my future but wondering what the best way to go about this is without angering him Too much .. could use any advice anyone has .. wondering how to just simply let this dwindle without refueling the fire.. out of concern for his daughter... there's so much we've been through i could write a book .. but i have no idea how desperate he will begin to feel to stay in our home with our children etc.. anyway .. would appreciate feedback from you or anyone .. thanks .. Lynnette
This is the best post I have ever read. Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU........I am ending a 9 year relationship and the part about twising words or saying "I never said that" is sooooooo true. I started thinking I was crazy like "did I really say that or did He say that"?
I took me a long time (9 years to be exact) to figure it out that I was ok. My daughter brought it to lite when she was there when he said something that he denigned and she spoke up and said, "yes you did say that"
You should write a salf help book.
I took me a long time (9 years to be exact) to figure it out that I was ok. My daughter brought it to lite when she was there when he said something that he denigned and she spoke up and said, "yes you did say that"
You should write a salf help book.
karenburton@postmaster.co.uk.undefined
cynical, I just read your post on this site. It's truly truly brilliant. I have a friend is just like this, and sometimes I'm like it too. So I think we will have in us.
I read some of the following posts and it looks like you're writing a book. So if you do, please let me know because I would love to read it.
Your writing is brilliant, easy to read, and it really hits the spot.
This is my first time, to this site outside post your post was the first one I've read.
I'm printing your message out, as I post my reply.
Take care. Karen.
cynical, I just read your post on this site. It's truly truly brilliant. I have a friend is just like this, and sometimes I'm like it too. So I think we will have in us.
I read some of the following posts and it looks like you're writing a book. So if you do, please let me know because I would love to read it.
Your writing is brilliant, easy to read, and it really hits the spot.
This is my first time, to this site outside post your post was the first one I've read.
I'm printing your message out, as I post my reply.
Take care. Karen.
This is awesome...
I have always been able to bounce back from whatever came my way but for some reason...I am having a very hard time this time......My husband is an addict and has been for a very long time.....i just read "8 Easy Ways to Spot An Emotional Munipulator" and boy do i feel like a BIG DUMMY for 15 years!!!!!!!!!!
I have always been able to bounce back from whatever came my way but for some reason...I am having a very hard time this time......My husband is an addict and has been for a very long time.....i just read "8 Easy Ways to Spot An Emotional Munipulator" and boy do i feel like a BIG DUMMY for 15 years!!!!!!!!!!
BUMP!
Well, I can say that I've been in that situation and that I have also acted in that way myself.. I still have to watch myself or I will get back into old patterns. I know that my hubby and I lived out a lot of this to a T. And I am close to becoming very emeshed with a close friend that is very much like this. The part about putting our needs on hold, I can really relate to that. Then I am angry and resent doing it. I guess that is what learning is all about. I'm grateful that I realize it quickly and change my behavior. I will not let myself be pulled down by this person.. I care for her, but am not her caretaker and there is sometimes a fine line between the two. It's a good thing that recovery is one day at at time, and we never ever arrive. :-)
Thanks for the insightful post.
Judy
Thanks for the insightful post.
Judy
judy, i'm running off to get some sleep, but just wanted to say hi.
and that God loves you.
Bob B.
Hi Bob,
I appreciate hearing from you. Yes, I know he does. Thank you so much for reminding me though. I get so caught up in stuff & other people's stuff sometimes that I fail to look to him for my answers. It's like take this Lord, no, I'll take it back and worry about it some more or try to fix it. Then it's take this Lord, I cannot deal with it, and on and on... sound familar??? Learned behavior isnt' easily changed, Bob, and if we don't seek his face every day, we start feeling like we can do something on our own, and we end up flat on our face wondering how the heck we got there again. :-)
Big Hug from me to everyone who reads this post.
Love,
Judy
I appreciate hearing from you. Yes, I know he does. Thank you so much for reminding me though. I get so caught up in stuff & other people's stuff sometimes that I fail to look to him for my answers. It's like take this Lord, no, I'll take it back and worry about it some more or try to fix it. Then it's take this Lord, I cannot deal with it, and on and on... sound familar??? Learned behavior isnt' easily changed, Bob, and if we don't seek his face every day, we start feeling like we can do something on our own, and we end up flat on our face wondering how the heck we got there again. :-)
Big Hug from me to everyone who reads this post.
Love,
Judy
