The break from alcohol was when I became pregnant with my first baby and it continued until the second child was in grade school. However, I was smoking a little weed a few times a month a night, for sleep.
My husband lost his job middle mgmt/hr. I was in college I wanted to be a nurse. I ended up becoming a cocktial waitress/ bartender. The money was excellent. I could wk, part time at night, be home with the girls during the day.
I was so afraid to let them be baby sat by anyone or walk home from school alone. Because I was beaten and molested as a child. I had to protect them. This was why I wked nights and I needed to recoup $ 15,000 a yr in wages.
But being in the bar business is no place for an alcoholic. Of course at the time or even early last yr. no one could have told me I had a problem. Not our daughter moving out, the threats of divorce, the finaicial problems of not wking for 5 yrs, the rides in the police cars, the suicide attempts, the jail, the phyc. ward, the wrecked car, the pleads from my family, not AA, not this board either.
I really didn't know how to care about me, I was lost. I came very close to death. I had posted before about the sucide attempt. I recently visited my GP he looked up my records and my blood alcohol that night was .38 mixed with a cocktail of prescription drugs including narcotics.
It wasn't until I went to a church and saw other alcoholics and this lead singer who's a heroin addict sing about how God loves us, that I had my miracle. When I really believed that God loved me to and it wasn't just for every body else. That there was nothing that couldn't be forgiven, no brokness that he couldn't heal. I surrendered and accepted him and that I have a disease called alcoholism. Thats when I started to love me again. I am more than just an alcoholic woman, much more.
My HP is Jesus and I give all glory to him. I respect your HP whatever you conceive him/her to be. Even a rubber plant tree if you wish. This board has helped keep me connected to others as being a house wife is very isolating, especially when I was drinking.
Now I go to my weekly church meeting and I go to one AA meeting that I love. I read my Bible and BB. I find tremendous strength in both. Thankyou for sharing your ESH with everyone I learn so much and you guys including many from the other boards have helped me more then you know. I hope I have helped someone to.
This is my first 90 days without alcohol, no weed in 14 yrs. It's a big deal to me. My husband looks at me so differently. My oldest daughter is amazed, the younger one cried as she's sensitive like her mom. My Mom is waited so long to see her daughter get sober. I believe my family never thought this was possible. Some where inside of me I believed it was possible. I was a hard core drunk, no joke. I was at the ending stages where I couldn't even drink much and I was drunk. My bodily functions were going hay wire to.
It was a turning point in my life when I realized I only had to do this one day at a time. hr, min, sec. The first month was the hardest. The anxiety is much better now.
I was a hopeless wreck of a person who had no dreams left at the end. I dream again. I dream of having a job. I dream of helping others. I dream of hiking in the woods. I dream of remoldeling this computer rm. I dream for my children and the rest of my family. Even if all my dreams don't come true they still are my dreams and I love them. I dream of having a pony and living on a ranch with all kinds of animals and a river in the back.
I dream and pray that today there will be another alcoholic/addict that will start the process how ever short or long it might take for acceptance of their disease. And if not today tomorrow. Because, if they only knew what we sober folks knew they'd want what we have.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'm ever going to drink again. I know I don't want to go back to being a part of the living dead. I know that all I have is today and it's going to be a sober one. I'm willing to keep adding tools to the recovery tool box and give it away. Thanks for listening, thanks for helping this alcoholic woman. I appreciate all of you and so does my family.
God Bless, You All, Love, Chris
