Well, March 11,06 will be 10 months being off Smack. I was mainlining for 2.5 years. I got a staf infection in my arm in march 2005, spent a week in the hospital. Failed a state mandated childrens services drug test in April 2005. I lost coustady of my two children then 7 and 9.Started methadome May 12 2005 I spent 8 months going to a methadone clinic got up to 130mg a day. I've now been 3 months off everything. Everyday is still ungodly hard. I'm just now getting back everything I lost while using. I spent 7 months being homeless staying at my grandmothers, after I lost my kids. I just got a apartment in December. At the begining I use to think it would be easier the longer I did not use "the urge would die down". I guess it dose go down "some" but, it's ALWAYS there. I'm still having dreams about shooting up. I want to go back to the methadone clinic but, it cost 12.00$ a day. I could not pay my rent if I went back. I wish I could say "man i'm so much happier clean". I'm not that happy most days. I've gained 30 pounds being clean. I think 70% of my being sober is directly related to feeling so guilty over losing my children. My mom has them by the way. I see them all time. I will probley have them back by this summer. Do all recovering addicts feel so akward? I've been so tempted to do just one more!
..Zerogirl..nice to see ya and welcome..the cravings to do it one more time will be there for a very long time..maybe forever.?..but for that one hit could turn your life upside down and it will take away all that hard work you,ve put in to yourself..im a father..and i don,t know how i would feel if my son was handed over to someone else to care for him..but i know it would kill me to watch him being cared for by others..even someone in my own family..but at least your children are in your family and you see them regular which is a good thing..
some children get taken away from their parents never to see them again maybei n time you will have them back at home with you..you,ve been on a long journey in getting clean and when we are clean..we tend to forget how we were in addiction sometimes..we think that if we used now we could just do it once and never return to how we were before while in active addiction..but all them times.being sick..looking for money to score..waiting hours sometimes for our gear..the lack of self respect and disrespect from others..the hurt we caused our family and friends..you could return to all that just by having one little taste of heroin again..you,ve done really well to get off everything..you should be proud of yourself for getting where you are..your kids and family will be proud of you.(if they knew of your addiction.?.).do you want to lose all that by having one little taste.?..i would,nt take the chance personally..im almost 3 mnths clean and i still get cravings..but if i go back..i will lose everything i have tried so hard to get.and thats my life back.?..you were on a 130 ml of meth..that was one hell of an amount to be on..i take my hat off to you for where you are today...i imagine all addicts feel like you do at some point..although we,re all different people with different lifestyles..but most of us get the cravings for it..the depressed feelings..the lonliness..the isolation withing ourselves..its the state the drug has left us in..we will never be the person we was before addiction..but i certainly don,t wanna be the person in addiction either..your feeling like your life was better when you used..but your learning to live again..it will take time to get your life back..it won,t change tomorrow..but it won,t last forever either..there will come a day when you wake up and your life will change for the better..and you will be in a better place for it..congrates on getting this far and long may it continue...your life is in your hands now..before it was in the hands of the drug and the meds..i hope the feelings your having will subside and you can move on in life and get your children back and live a life free of addiction..but one more taste of your old life could lose you your children forever,,maybe not in sight.but in mind..good luck and take care..Robbie..
some children get taken away from their parents never to see them again maybei n time you will have them back at home with you..you,ve been on a long journey in getting clean and when we are clean..we tend to forget how we were in addiction sometimes..we think that if we used now we could just do it once and never return to how we were before while in active addiction..but all them times.being sick..looking for money to score..waiting hours sometimes for our gear..the lack of self respect and disrespect from others..the hurt we caused our family and friends..you could return to all that just by having one little taste of heroin again..you,ve done really well to get off everything..you should be proud of yourself for getting where you are..your kids and family will be proud of you.(if they knew of your addiction.?.).do you want to lose all that by having one little taste.?..i would,nt take the chance personally..im almost 3 mnths clean and i still get cravings..but if i go back..i will lose everything i have tried so hard to get.and thats my life back.?..you were on a 130 ml of meth..that was one hell of an amount to be on..i take my hat off to you for where you are today...i imagine all addicts feel like you do at some point..although we,re all different people with different lifestyles..but most of us get the cravings for it..the depressed feelings..the lonliness..the isolation withing ourselves..its the state the drug has left us in..we will never be the person we was before addiction..but i certainly don,t wanna be the person in addiction either..your feeling like your life was better when you used..but your learning to live again..it will take time to get your life back..it won,t change tomorrow..but it won,t last forever either..there will come a day when you wake up and your life will change for the better..and you will be in a better place for it..congrates on getting this far and long may it continue...your life is in your hands now..before it was in the hands of the drug and the meds..i hope the feelings your having will subside and you can move on in life and get your children back and live a life free of addiction..but one more taste of your old life could lose you your children forever,,maybe not in sight.but in mind..good luck and take care..Robbie..
Thanks for the reply. I know everything your saying is true, you sound like someone who has years of being clean under your belt. Amazing your 4 months off! In a way I KNOW everything sucked when I was using. I did not start out on 130mg started at 30mg but, the clinic I went to will let you up 5mg twice in the 1st few weeks. Once your over 50 you can up 10mg a week at once. Every week I knew I could get that 10mg up so I just did. Acually I think around 80 was best 4 me. I needed cash to move outta my grandmothers I went down 10mg a week they recomend 2mg. I would still be detoxing if I went down 2mg a week lol. In all honesty the methadone was a "hard" withdraw. I stoped going to the clinic at 30 mg, It took like 15-17 days b4 I slept right or thought right. I had no choice the clinic was an hour drive one way and costing 375.00 a month. Not having my kids has been so mentally draining. I know one shot is not enough and too much at the same time. I'm also living alone for the 1st time in my life. I lost everything from using. When I lost the kids I lost my house and everything I owned, that i had not pawned yet. I'm starting over with nothing. My life has already got better in a lot of ways, I still have that part that would give it all back just to get high again smack dose such crazy crap to your head. I quit drinking, quit coke everything for smack. I wish I had never done it "i'm sure everyone says that". My family all knows I used. I have two cousions who are dead from it, and a 20 year old brother who's a active addict.
Sorry I ment 3 months NOT 4 and btw CONGRATS!!! I don't see a edit button, is there a way to edit after you post?
..Zerogirl..
..Sorry to hear you lost everything..the drug takes your soul as well as your possessions..but you have kept your life.your cousins were not so fortunate..im sorry to hear that..it may take a long time but you can work towards getting the material things in life back..as well as work towards getting your children back..
.you,ll get there in the end if you give yourself the chance you deserve and take it one day at a time..its like going thru life putting one step in front of the other..
.but theres no other way to do it..if we tried to get to where we wanna get too to fast..we could stumble and fall and it could take a while to get back to our feet..if we ever did get back on them that is.?..i live on me own with my son.and it can get lonely and feel isolated sometimes.especially at the nightime..but i would,nt change it for all the happiness that came with drugs..you should stick around on here..there are some good people from all walks of life who are in the same position as us who have got their own stories to tell..take care..Robbie..
..ps..cheers for the congrats..and theres an edit part on the top right of your post..but you can only edit your post if your post is the last post on the thread..if someone posts after you..you can,t edit your post...lol..did you understand that.?..i did,nt..LOL..
..Sorry to hear you lost everything..the drug takes your soul as well as your possessions..but you have kept your life.your cousins were not so fortunate..im sorry to hear that..it may take a long time but you can work towards getting the material things in life back..as well as work towards getting your children back..
.you,ll get there in the end if you give yourself the chance you deserve and take it one day at a time..its like going thru life putting one step in front of the other..
.but theres no other way to do it..if we tried to get to where we wanna get too to fast..we could stumble and fall and it could take a while to get back to our feet..if we ever did get back on them that is.?..i live on me own with my son.and it can get lonely and feel isolated sometimes.especially at the nightime..but i would,nt change it for all the happiness that came with drugs..you should stick around on here..there are some good people from all walks of life who are in the same position as us who have got their own stories to tell..take care..Robbie..
..ps..cheers for the congrats..and theres an edit part on the top right of your post..but you can only edit your post if your post is the last post on the thread..if someone posts after you..you can,t edit your post...lol..did you understand that.?..i did,nt..LOL..
hey zero!...even though it sucks for you right now, you're way ahead of the game. I couldn't figure-out how long have you been opiate-free?
By the time Summer rolls-up if you stay with your plan----you should be feeling like a new person.
By the time Summer rolls-up if you stay with your plan----you should be feeling like a new person.
i know how u feel about how u gave up all other drugs for it. i liked going to bars and having some drinks and doing a few lines of coke. ( which for the past year and a half had gotten way outta contrl) i liked going to my friends houses and seeing my family. the last few weeks i dont even answer my phone . i cant stand the way i feel without it and i havent been shooting very long. im almost 4 days without but im really depressed. i want it cuz it makes me not depressed. but i know this subsides. i hope u get ur kids back soon and congrats for all your efforts in kicking the habit. i am 28 and for the first time i feel helpless.
Fatherofone the nighttime is crappy for me to, I was in a 7.5 year relationship. I started using after we broke up. It took a long time to learn to sleep alone. Subuser thanks for the message, I welcome all support.I've been opiate-free 2.5 months. Melissa, The depression was the HARDEST thing for me to deal with. I know other women who have or still use they all say the depresion gets to them. After the 4 day mark you should start feeling less body aches. When I WAS using I almost never got past day 2 "never by choice I prefered 3 shots a day everyday" Day 2 was always the day come hell or high water I was getting some. Thankfully the methadone clinic admitted me on day 2, or i'ld still be using "I know". Ever detoxing from methadone I was emotionally Strung out. No other durg I've ever taken, takes such control for your head.
Yo Zerogirl...you're no zero.....I won't use that cheesy, lame line, but you're a hero....LOL....you are doing freaking fabulous....look at you....you're accomplishing something tough as anything.
Only my opinion, but if you're off the 'done I'd stay off it....now that's me, but kicking that for me...and I was buying it street to kick the dope...I thought it was way, way harder...I give you tons of credit....I swear to you...I promise it will pass...I always wanted to punch someone in the mouth that said that to me.....but it is so true....I got a year, and almost ten months, and trust me it still to this day every once in awhile...crosses my mind...I come here, and so many people here help you through it....I learned new ways to cope....new habits as to when something goes wrong...instead of the dope I walk, walk, walk or even get depressed, and ignore everything...I just don't use.
My day was always day three....then of course same old bull over, and over, and over....the longer you fight it the easier it will come to you....give into it, and it gets stronger....maybe this will help...for me it did anyway...that adage of
"PICKING UP BEFORE YOU PICK UP"....thought is the highest vibration, but it requires action...so what we think about it....just recognize it's a trick, and it's making you want to do it....you're beating it.
You're on your way...for caring about YOU....we all hated us pre drugs...I truly think it's a form of insanity...look at the insane s*it we did....like here's you on mother's day....out on a highway with a can....all the other mom's all dressed up, and getting flowers....I can't tell you the depression won't disappear...it don't.
Little by little though it will lift...and your mom, and kids will see YOU!!!!!!
I think it's a Blessing you can't afford the 'done....just one more thing to HAVE TO go get every single day...hell or high water....snowstorm or rain....you're truly doing great, and coming on here...man, you did a good thing....and as for our all favorite INSOMNIA....now for me THAT made me go back not the depression....the people from the UK are on here when us Yankees are wide awake at 4:00AM...eyeballs not closing....so that really has helped us all here too I know...mad respect for you, Billiongirl...cause you are no goose egg.
You're a fighter, and I'm proud of you.....hang on, and hang in, and don't give up.
Only my opinion, but if you're off the 'done I'd stay off it....now that's me, but kicking that for me...and I was buying it street to kick the dope...I thought it was way, way harder...I give you tons of credit....I swear to you...I promise it will pass...I always wanted to punch someone in the mouth that said that to me.....but it is so true....I got a year, and almost ten months, and trust me it still to this day every once in awhile...crosses my mind...I come here, and so many people here help you through it....I learned new ways to cope....new habits as to when something goes wrong...instead of the dope I walk, walk, walk or even get depressed, and ignore everything...I just don't use.
My day was always day three....then of course same old bull over, and over, and over....the longer you fight it the easier it will come to you....give into it, and it gets stronger....maybe this will help...for me it did anyway...that adage of
"PICKING UP BEFORE YOU PICK UP"....thought is the highest vibration, but it requires action...so what we think about it....just recognize it's a trick, and it's making you want to do it....you're beating it.
You're on your way...for caring about YOU....we all hated us pre drugs...I truly think it's a form of insanity...look at the insane s*it we did....like here's you on mother's day....out on a highway with a can....all the other mom's all dressed up, and getting flowers....I can't tell you the depression won't disappear...it don't.
Little by little though it will lift...and your mom, and kids will see YOU!!!!!!
I think it's a Blessing you can't afford the 'done....just one more thing to HAVE TO go get every single day...hell or high water....snowstorm or rain....you're truly doing great, and coming on here...man, you did a good thing....and as for our all favorite INSOMNIA....now for me THAT made me go back not the depression....the people from the UK are on here when us Yankees are wide awake at 4:00AM...eyeballs not closing....so that really has helped us all here too I know...mad respect for you, Billiongirl...cause you are no goose egg.
You're a fighter, and I'm proud of you.....hang on, and hang in, and don't give up.
