And the light is flooding in. Music lifts my soul and lets me soar above the clouds. Seagulls swoop and glide and remind me that my spirit dances in the air around me. My children look at me with eyes that shine with love and my skin tingles with the joy of being alive. Trees are so green the air around them shimmers and I know now that until this all happened I was seeing the world through cheap dark glasses, blind to its awesome beauty, its everyday miraculous glory. The door is open and I am learning how to stop shutting it.....that's all I have to learn to do....to stop shutting it.....I am 50 years old and I never knew life could vibrate with love and joy like this....I always thought I loved life, but I only knew what it was to THINK love.....today my heart is on fire and I swim in emotions so deep and rich and powerful I can only call them a miracle....my personal miracle.....my heart and mind and body sing and the whole world shines and reaches in and gently kisses my soul.......
I am an alcoholic. Alcohol numbed my emotions and was killing my spirit and corrupting my soul. I do not know why God saved me. All I know is that I love Him with every single atom in my body for opening a door to a reality, a life beyond anything, anything I ever imagined. Not a single material thing has changed in my life, and everything, everything is utterly transformed.
If it wasn't for alcohol, my ex, my children, Al-anon, AA and the people on this board I wouldn't be here. And here is a place of indescribable joy.....the difference between watching black and white TV and swimming in crystal clear water under a blue sky and a sun that warms the skin....I am so grateful to you all.
Thank you all for being here. This really IS a miracle, and so are you.
God bless.
Martin
wohoa......i remember feeling alot of that ....just seems like a lifetime ago tho......how did you get there? what happened? do you stay there often? i want a ticket there too!!!! but what keeps holding me back is so strong and i fight everyday just for my little no big bit of sane.....dont want to go back to the dark place....after reading your wonderful post i remember having that and now i want a seat there again....so please details ....
Gidday Martin
Gratitude is the attitude so save some of it and wave some of it like you have in your post, awesome and keep posting
light and love Zac
Gratitude is the attitude so save some of it and wave some of it like you have in your post, awesome and keep posting
light and love Zac
CP,
I don't know if I've EVER felt it like this before in 50 years of life....perhaps as a child....perhaps...but my sense of it is I lost touch with my emotions in childhood.....I think my first marriage to a wonderful woman helped me to heal quite a bit and I think to everyone around me I was happy and well-balanced, but I always knew something wasn't quite right.....there was a gap between the "me" who went out into the world and lived and the me who sat 6 inches behind him and worried all the time about what people were thinking and feeling about me.....and not feeling anything much myself.....I KNOW my emotions were like a black-and-white drawing compared to THIS.....I think my emotions have been in a box for 45 yeara and although my first wife helped me to get in touch with them my drinking over the past ten years simply washed all the colours out again and I was left with washed out rags.....
How did I get here?
I gave up.
I accepted there was a power greater than "me" who could help me.
I became willing to hand over my will and my life
I gradually let go of anger at others and at myself, and forgave....at first wanted to and couldn't...but then as my wisdom grew and I realised I was oh so flawed and yet worthy of love....yes, even me....at that point I realised EVERYONE is doing the best they can and however difficult that is for their victims.....they are worthy of forgiveness and love because they, like me, were blind....
I tried to do the next right thing for myself and for the other people I had been so angry with
I try very hard to be honest with myself
I try very hard to listen to my Higher Power, who I first felt to be my best self, my inner voice, my conscience, my true self my real heart....and now feel that God is working through that still, quiet voice inside me....
So I try to listen....and it's not just a "voice", a verbalisation, a thought; sometimes it is a sense, a feeling a nudge....sometimes a song on the radio, a bird in the sky, a stream, a roadsign, an advert....so many ways I can be reminded of the fact that I am alive and loved....alive and loved....who needs more?....so long as I can keep open to these nudges and hints and feelings and follow His Will for me, pray to know His Will for me and the strength adn courage to follow it...then I trust the door will remain open....it is in my power to keep it open....if I do the next right thing....and the next right thing for me is to keep in touch with like-minded people who understand this strange and miraculous journey of the heart and soul and spirit.
I have been going to Al-anon for over a year and to open AA meetings and to counselling and coming here and reading everything I can and doing anything I can to heal....not just to stop drinking or let go of my ex but to become who I am capable of becoming and the miracle is that I have tried all my life to be the best I could be and I had NO CHANCE of becoming this happy because deep down I thought I wasn't good enough as I was....the magic was that as soon as I ACCEPTED that I was good enough to be loved exectly as I was, warts and all.....a door opened and I began to grow. No matter how hard I had been trying to grow I couldn't ever really fly until I accepted myself in the first place.....It's still baby steps....I'm still so fragile....I'm still confused....I'm still worried tomorrow I might plummet, that this might all be an illness....that being this happy MUST be a sign of illness....lol.....maybe it is, maybe it is.....but somehow I don't think so.....not one little bit. I am just so lucky, so very very lucky.
CP, for about eight months I phoned The Samaritans, the suicide helpline here in the UK every day. Many days I called twice. Some days I called three times. Several days I called four times. I talked about my feelings to anyone and everyone over and over and over again....trying to express what I felt...and I GUESS that helped me begin to recognise what my feeling were and understand them a little better....
These wonderful feeling I describe are so subtle....while I was drinking and angry and all that rubbish I had NO chance of noticing them....tiny, gentle feelings in my belly...and when I notice them, and recognise them, they smile and grow and come towards me and WHOOSH! I'm ALIVE and so HAPPY! and I SEE the tree and I HEAR the music and FEEL it and SMELL the flower and - believe me - I can FEEL the wind under the wings of that seagull!
God bless
Martin
I don't know if I've EVER felt it like this before in 50 years of life....perhaps as a child....perhaps...but my sense of it is I lost touch with my emotions in childhood.....I think my first marriage to a wonderful woman helped me to heal quite a bit and I think to everyone around me I was happy and well-balanced, but I always knew something wasn't quite right.....there was a gap between the "me" who went out into the world and lived and the me who sat 6 inches behind him and worried all the time about what people were thinking and feeling about me.....and not feeling anything much myself.....I KNOW my emotions were like a black-and-white drawing compared to THIS.....I think my emotions have been in a box for 45 yeara and although my first wife helped me to get in touch with them my drinking over the past ten years simply washed all the colours out again and I was left with washed out rags.....
How did I get here?
I gave up.
I accepted there was a power greater than "me" who could help me.
I became willing to hand over my will and my life
I gradually let go of anger at others and at myself, and forgave....at first wanted to and couldn't...but then as my wisdom grew and I realised I was oh so flawed and yet worthy of love....yes, even me....at that point I realised EVERYONE is doing the best they can and however difficult that is for their victims.....they are worthy of forgiveness and love because they, like me, were blind....
I tried to do the next right thing for myself and for the other people I had been so angry with
I try very hard to be honest with myself
I try very hard to listen to my Higher Power, who I first felt to be my best self, my inner voice, my conscience, my true self my real heart....and now feel that God is working through that still, quiet voice inside me....
So I try to listen....and it's not just a "voice", a verbalisation, a thought; sometimes it is a sense, a feeling a nudge....sometimes a song on the radio, a bird in the sky, a stream, a roadsign, an advert....so many ways I can be reminded of the fact that I am alive and loved....alive and loved....who needs more?....so long as I can keep open to these nudges and hints and feelings and follow His Will for me, pray to know His Will for me and the strength adn courage to follow it...then I trust the door will remain open....it is in my power to keep it open....if I do the next right thing....and the next right thing for me is to keep in touch with like-minded people who understand this strange and miraculous journey of the heart and soul and spirit.
I have been going to Al-anon for over a year and to open AA meetings and to counselling and coming here and reading everything I can and doing anything I can to heal....not just to stop drinking or let go of my ex but to become who I am capable of becoming and the miracle is that I have tried all my life to be the best I could be and I had NO CHANCE of becoming this happy because deep down I thought I wasn't good enough as I was....the magic was that as soon as I ACCEPTED that I was good enough to be loved exectly as I was, warts and all.....a door opened and I began to grow. No matter how hard I had been trying to grow I couldn't ever really fly until I accepted myself in the first place.....It's still baby steps....I'm still so fragile....I'm still confused....I'm still worried tomorrow I might plummet, that this might all be an illness....that being this happy MUST be a sign of illness....lol.....maybe it is, maybe it is.....but somehow I don't think so.....not one little bit. I am just so lucky, so very very lucky.
CP, for about eight months I phoned The Samaritans, the suicide helpline here in the UK every day. Many days I called twice. Some days I called three times. Several days I called four times. I talked about my feelings to anyone and everyone over and over and over again....trying to express what I felt...and I GUESS that helped me begin to recognise what my feeling were and understand them a little better....
These wonderful feeling I describe are so subtle....while I was drinking and angry and all that rubbish I had NO chance of noticing them....tiny, gentle feelings in my belly...and when I notice them, and recognise them, they smile and grow and come towards me and WHOOSH! I'm ALIVE and so HAPPY! and I SEE the tree and I HEAR the music and FEEL it and SMELL the flower and - believe me - I can FEEL the wind under the wings of that seagull!
God bless
Martin
Martin seems like you found what you were searching for. I am happy for you. I hope you will continue to feel this way.. (((( )))) God bless and take care .
Crushed Peal, welcome.
Hey Martin? What's up with the dissertations?! I thought we'd gotten past 'em! ;) Gotta tell you, dood, I don't read all of 'em, nor to their entirety, but you're certainly in a better place. Goodonya. :) Pay if forward!
I'm on a Step 11 (AWARENESS) Spirituality binge.
This is the basis for the "One Cool Thing" my sponsor has encouraged me to pursue--be it a penny in a parking lot or a tune on the radio at just the right time, and everything in my life, my ability to be grateful--my Attitude of Gratitude--is directly relevant within the serenity and contentment of my life.
Of course, your results may vary...
:)
Hey Martin? What's up with the dissertations?! I thought we'd gotten past 'em! ;) Gotta tell you, dood, I don't read all of 'em, nor to their entirety, but you're certainly in a better place. Goodonya. :) Pay if forward!
I'm on a Step 11 (AWARENESS) Spirituality binge.
| QUOTE |
| The experience of gratitude has been lost, too, because we tend to think of it primarily as some kind of "feeling." Do you want a shivery-warm feeling that makes you tingle all the way through your body?" Linus asks Charlie Brown in a famous cartoon paraody. "Well, go pee in your pants." Feelings are fine, but they are also transient and ephemeral; gratitude is not a feeling but an ongoing vision of thank-FULL-ness that recognizes the gifts constantly being received. A feeling is fleeting, an emotion for the moment; gratitude is a mind-set, a way of seeing and thinking that is rooted in a remembrance--the remembrance of being without the gift. The Spirit of Imperfection, pp. 176 |
This is the basis for the "One Cool Thing" my sponsor has encouraged me to pursue--be it a penny in a parking lot or a tune on the radio at just the right time, and everything in my life, my ability to be grateful--my Attitude of Gratitude--is directly relevant within the serenity and contentment of my life.
Of course, your results may vary...
:)
