Hey guys you know how it is when someone does something to make you angry. You'd like to tell them you know exactly what it is they've done but you just leave it alone. That is the way I am feeling right now. I don't know if any of your read in another post that my girlfriend who was at one time was very very close to me.She moved away so now we only get to see one another on occassion. we have been friends for years and she was my maid of honor at my wedding and etc. well she called on thursday because she was going to come visit for the weekend but after I told her I did not drink anymore and I don't have it in my house she wouldn't come. Told me she respected me and stuff like that but still wouldn't come . Last evening I found out she did in fact come ,went to another of her friends house and stayed. She called me last evening ,left a message on my answering machine telling me that she was in town ,that she loved me and I could call her back for a chat "if I wanted" . I could tell she had been drinking and she said she was grounded cause she had no ride to come see me. That is a load of bull because I would have picked her up and we could have went to dinner or something if she had called. besides that, why couldnt she have come spent one night with me sober and go to the other friends the next day and party all she wanted.? she has been here (since friday going back today) and she knew I was home all alone and she calls last evening (on sunday) to let me know she was here. I think she only called to ease her own guilty conscience just so she could have it said that at least she called me while she was in town.She had friday,friday night,saturday and saturday night and most all sunday to call ,to give me time to visit with her if she really wanted to see me. It really ticks me off that after years and years of supposedly friendship she basically dumps me because I don't drink anymore,hell not basically dump me she did. Well I wasn't going to feed into her attempt to make her ownself feel better by returning her call. I did not call her back last night and she didn't call anymore either. This really ticked me off but I am not going to let it bother me it's just that I needed to vent to get it out of my system. Also it kinda makes me mad that if I had been still drinking she would have come here and stayed with me and I would have went on thinking that she was a true friend when all along I was nothing more than a drinking pal. grrrrr. I read somewhere the other day that when you are down the ones you expect to leave you down will be the ones who will help you get back up. . I guess the opposite is true too, that the ones you think will stand beside you are the ones who will let you fall. I have learned so much in this past 5 months about life,about people and about myself . I have also learned that too ,that no matter what I don't need to drink. I will NOT let anything or anyone interfere with my sobriety. If I lose friends because of it then they weren't true friends at all and what don't kill me will make me stronger. Thanks guys for letting me share. God bless and have a great day.
Or maybe she is thinking of your sobriety and staying away so as not to tempt you. Or maybe she would feel uncomfortable around her old drinking buddy who is not drinking. Or maybe she doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable if she's drinking and you aren't. Or maybe she knows how stupid we are when we are drunk to someone that is not drunk and doesn't want you to see her stupid. Or maybe you are better off staying away from her anyway until you have more sober time under your belt and God is doing for you what you can't do for yourself.
smoochies
smoochies
Hey there good monday morning to you 12 stepper. Lol thats a whole lotta maybes lol. Anyway her reaction when I told her I didn't drink anymore was to say F....k not much good to come where you are then.Ain't it funny though how sobriety scares some people away ?It's like we have some other kind of disease that they are afraid of catching. You raised a lot of good points there though which I didn't think of. Thanks.:) God bless and have a GREAT day at work.
Pirate,
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know exactly what you are talking about; I know the pain, the hurt, the feelings of doubt about the sincerity of the friendship. Just remember, you are staying sober for YOU and no one else. I tend to agree with 12 stepper on this...quite possibly she didn't call out of respect for your sobriety. Regardless, your sobriety remains intact, and that is what is important. One of the ramifications (and blessings) of sobriety is that you recognize who your true friends really are. Sometimes it is painful. Just remember, YOUR sobriety is about you...how your friends react is not about YOU. I know it is hard to do so but I urge you to try not to take it personally.
Have a wonderful holiday. Unfortunately, I am the only one working at the office today. Of course I volunteered since I need the money but now that I am here and looking out on a rainy, dreary day, I would love to be back in my cozy bed. :) I'll be online all day so if you need to chat, I'll be here. Hugs.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know exactly what you are talking about; I know the pain, the hurt, the feelings of doubt about the sincerity of the friendship. Just remember, you are staying sober for YOU and no one else. I tend to agree with 12 stepper on this...quite possibly she didn't call out of respect for your sobriety. Regardless, your sobriety remains intact, and that is what is important. One of the ramifications (and blessings) of sobriety is that you recognize who your true friends really are. Sometimes it is painful. Just remember, YOUR sobriety is about you...how your friends react is not about YOU. I know it is hard to do so but I urge you to try not to take it personally.
Have a wonderful holiday. Unfortunately, I am the only one working at the office today. Of course I volunteered since I need the money but now that I am here and looking out on a rainy, dreary day, I would love to be back in my cozy bed. :) I'll be online all day so if you need to chat, I'll be here. Hugs.
thanks Lisa. I have the morning on the computer as well. Hopefully I will be going to work within next week or two. So that should be cool.I don't feel too bad actually over what happened. It's just that it made me somewhat angry that she was in town for 3 days and avoided calling me until her last day here. If she was a true friend and didn't want to affect my sobriety she still could have called and said she was in town but did not want to put me in an uncomfortable position. I am not gonna beat myself up about it because it is HER choice not to come see me or have me meet her. I am really learning to let go of things that is out of my control. But being human of course it bothered me some and I felt I had to talk about it rather than keep it all inside and let resentment grow. It's not going to ruin my day or affect my sobriety.she knows she has a drinking problem herself and I think that my sobriety scared her.If she decides sometime in the future to quit drinking and she needs support I will be there should she want me. In the meantime the friendship as far as I am concerned was just an illusion based on booze and parties.Instead of feeling sad I am grateful that I found out where I actually stood with her. I certainly have a lot more to offer in a friendship now than I did when I was drinking. It's up to her if she don't want it.Thanks for being my friend Lisa and thanks for your ESH . (((( )))))Enjoy your alone time today and don' t boss yourself around too much LOL
LOL. Pirate, you crack me up. :)
Yes, it is disheartening to realize that some friendships were based solely on alcohol and partying. Most of my friendships were. Fortunately, my two best friends (my kitty cats) like me far better when I am sober! :) Seriously, Rowdy, the older one would run and hide when he would see me with a brown bottle (beer bottle).
Remember, you ARE deserving of a mutually respectful and authentic friendship. Hugs.
Yes, it is disheartening to realize that some friendships were based solely on alcohol and partying. Most of my friendships were. Fortunately, my two best friends (my kitty cats) like me far better when I am sober! :) Seriously, Rowdy, the older one would run and hide when he would see me with a brown bottle (beer bottle).
Remember, you ARE deserving of a mutually respectful and authentic friendship. Hugs.
Hi Pirate,
If your friend isn't able to manage or schedule her drinking to be sober enough to come and see you, she might have a problem. When you told her that you are an alcoholic and have stopped for your own health that may well be very threatoning to her.
I know that a lot of the people that I drank with liked having me around because then there was some one worse than they were. When I quit drinking some of them felt uncomfortable and reacted a little strangely; interestingly enough I got full support for quitting from their wives.....
Remember all the stupidity we turned a blind eye to when we were drinking, remember how we could always count on our drinking buddies to do the same?
We don't do that anymore now that we are sober, this could be uncomforable to a heavy drinker...
Anyway Pirate, it sounds like you are handling this ok and getting lots of good advice from the "oldtimers" hang in there and take it,
one day at a time, Cookster
If your friend isn't able to manage or schedule her drinking to be sober enough to come and see you, she might have a problem. When you told her that you are an alcoholic and have stopped for your own health that may well be very threatoning to her.
I know that a lot of the people that I drank with liked having me around because then there was some one worse than they were. When I quit drinking some of them felt uncomfortable and reacted a little strangely; interestingly enough I got full support for quitting from their wives.....
Remember all the stupidity we turned a blind eye to when we were drinking, remember how we could always count on our drinking buddies to do the same?
We don't do that anymore now that we are sober, this could be uncomforable to a heavy drinker...
Anyway Pirate, it sounds like you are handling this ok and getting lots of good advice from the "oldtimers" hang in there and take it,
one day at a time, Cookster
| QUOTE |
| If your friend isn't able to manage or schedule her drinking to be sober enough to come and see you, she might have a problem. When you told her that you are an alcoholic and have stopped for your own health that may well be very threatoning to her. |
exactly...
the last thing an active alcoholic wants is a conscience in the form of another human being standing in front of them
Thanks guys for the input. You all made me think about some things and see things in a way that never came to my mind. Thanks a bunch!
Hi Pirate, I have lost friends also due to my illness, you certainly know who your friends are when you get sick, one of my so called friends wont even return my calls anymore... I guess we just have to face up to it that these people aren't worth bothering with anymore. They don't give a s*** about me... or what I've been through, also I know for a fact that when that person finds out I stopped drinking, that'll be curtains to that 'relationship'. She drinks wine like it's going out of fashion...
Anyway, I know them that wont screw me over now...
Anyway, I know them that wont screw me over now...
| QUOTE |
| Or maybe she would feel uncomfortable around her old drinking buddy who is not drinking. Or maybe she doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable if she's drinking and you aren't. Or maybe she knows how stupid we are when we are drunk to someone that is not drunk and doesn't want you to see her stupid. Or maybe you are better off staying away from her anyway until you have more sober time under your belt and God is doing for you what you can't do for yourself. |
Or maybe taking inventories of others is easier than looking inward?
I found that I only had to change EVERYTHING about me and my habits in order to recover from my addictions. That included the Blame Game, the People-Pleasing Game, the Pouting Game, the Solitude Game, the Helpless Game, the Loud-Talking-Someone-Look-How-Righteous-I'm-Doing Game, the Lonliness Game, the Poor-Little-Ole-Me Game, the I'm-Going-Out-And-Eat-Worms Game, and every other thing I could think of to keep from having to look at ME and MY PART in this disease.
| QUOTE |
| Thanks guys for the input. You all made me think about some things and see things in a way that never came to my mind. Thanks a bunch! |
you're probably gonna be surprised that as time pass's these worries about losing old freinds is gonna become less and less important to ya, and as soon as that does happen and you let go, these thoughts about feeling left out of a world you no longer wanted a part of will all fall into place....
as a recovering alcoholic you have have no obligation to anyone to try to explain that you're not drinking,it's really up to them to deal with it and if they can't then it's simply their problem....
you should'nt worry if you can still fit into your friends lifestyle,you should let your friend wonder if she'll fit into yours
| QUOTE |
| I guess the opposite is true too, that the ones you think will stand beside you are the ones who will let you fall. |
In my case that is so true pirate.
Gidday All
When i was drinking the last thing i wanted to do was spend a night away sitting talking about life and sh@t...all i wanted to do was drink and if a mate gave up the drink well bugga but that boy must be under the thumb or have real problems and i didnt want to catch any of that, i needed friends i could rely on to drink with......sometimes i have to remember back and not forget the past but learn from it and recovery certainly allows for that
light and love zac
When i was drinking the last thing i wanted to do was spend a night away sitting talking about life and sh@t...all i wanted to do was drink and if a mate gave up the drink well bugga but that boy must be under the thumb or have real problems and i didnt want to catch any of that, i needed friends i could rely on to drink with......sometimes i have to remember back and not forget the past but learn from it and recovery certainly allows for that
light and love zac
Zac anybody ever tell you that you make a lot of sense? lol what you said is true.Back in my drinking days and that ain't that long ago lol I couldn't imagine spending a weekend at someones home if they weren't a drinker. Have tea or coffee or pop? my reaction would have been" You gotta be kiddin me" Still stings tho when the tables are turned and it comes back to bite ya. God bless and take care and hope the knee is still flexible lol.
5 years ago I had 6 months sober before I went back out again (for 18 months) and the sponsor I had played softball in the area ( not together but in different leagues and tournaments) and he was the about the last person in the world I ever wanted to see or see pop up on my cell phone,in fact it would actually piss me off if I saw him around because he was the one and only PERSON that could f*** up my drinking......
now the tables are turned and he's back out and not returning my calls because I'm sure I'm one of the last persons he wants to deal with....
when you learn to understand and forgive people who are drinking that feel uncomfortable around ya because you're not , it's one less resentment you have to deal ..
it simply comes with the territory !
now the tables are turned and he's back out and not returning my calls because I'm sure I'm one of the last persons he wants to deal with....
when you learn to understand and forgive people who are drinking that feel uncomfortable around ya because you're not , it's one less resentment you have to deal ..
it simply comes with the territory !
