hi everybody,
i've been reading your posts for a while now, not writing or responding - trying to answer any questions that i may have without bugging anybody.
unfortunately, i still find myself lost and desperate feeling...not for myself, but for my girlfriend. we've been living together for a year and a half and for the first eight months, i didn't even know that she was using coke (she's a bartender so late nights aren't uncommon). since i found out, she's lied to me about her use, as i walked in on her one night in the bathroom. very recently i broke down and told her that i couldn't live in an environment where i was being lied to and that my next step was to leave. her eyes filled up and she admitted that she needed my help - that she couldn't stop using alone. but i'm not a professional on the topic, i don't know the best way to help her. she said that she'd be willing to go with me to see a psychologist - is there a website that i can find a good person to go talk to? also, does this sound like a positive step in her quitting using or is me sticking around only showing her that i really won't leave? i know that you guys have a lot on your minds, but if anybody has any useful advice i would greatly appreciate it.
thanks for your time and best wishes
JohnJ
JohnJ try the American Psychological Association
Go to http://www.apa.org/
Under Association INFO click on State Psyc. Assocs. and then it will take you to a page that will allow you to click on your state and direct you to websites in the location you choose. The organizatons have a referral program, and will help you locate a Psychologist in your area. Good luck! I wish you all the best, and I hope you can get your girlfirend some help soon...
degaille
Hi JohnJ,
It will definitely help for your girlfriend to seek counselling. You might want to also try going through your family doctor or checking with local healthcare providers for referrals.
I think the hardest think to do is to let someone help you. For me it has been hard to tell people about by problem because of the great shame I feel around it. When I have told people, I often feel really uncomfortable afterwards because they are on my back asking me how it's going every minute. I always end up lying to those who I know are just trying to help because I don't want to let them down and tell them I have used again. The best thing you can do for your girlfriend is not be judgemental and tell her you support her even if she slips. I guess it's a bit of a double bind, because you do want to encourage her to stay the course.
The guy I have been seeing for the past few months is a recovering addict and has basically told me that I cannot use around him at all. This was hard, but it has in a way helped because I know that if I am going to see him I will not use...I feel to guilty if I see myself as triggering him. And then it comes down to, do I want to see him or not? It's not always a clear cut answer...
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. Hope you find help for your girlfriend. It must be particularly hard to stop if she is working in the bar service industry.
v
It will definitely help for your girlfriend to seek counselling. You might want to also try going through your family doctor or checking with local healthcare providers for referrals.
I think the hardest think to do is to let someone help you. For me it has been hard to tell people about by problem because of the great shame I feel around it. When I have told people, I often feel really uncomfortable afterwards because they are on my back asking me how it's going every minute. I always end up lying to those who I know are just trying to help because I don't want to let them down and tell them I have used again. The best thing you can do for your girlfriend is not be judgemental and tell her you support her even if she slips. I guess it's a bit of a double bind, because you do want to encourage her to stay the course.
The guy I have been seeing for the past few months is a recovering addict and has basically told me that I cannot use around him at all. This was hard, but it has in a way helped because I know that if I am going to see him I will not use...I feel to guilty if I see myself as triggering him. And then it comes down to, do I want to see him or not? It's not always a clear cut answer...
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. Hope you find help for your girlfriend. It must be particularly hard to stop if she is working in the bar service industry.
v
Dear Confused,
My hubby is a recovering crack addict. He was using for several years. We have been married for 29 years, have 2 kids, and a nice home. A typical middle class family.
He tried out- patient rehab and that was a total diaster relapsing twice in a matter of weeks. Then he found CA (Cocaine Anonymous). It is a 12 Step program very similar to AA. So far to this date he has been clean and sober for 10 months.
As for you you need a program just as much, I go to Alanon and Nar-Anon meetings. Just remember if I can leave you with one thing you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control it , and you certainly cannot cure it ! All addicts have to hit their bottom and want to recover. All of the groups are listed on the web and where to find meetings. I wish you both luck in your recovery.
God Bless
lildee
My hubby is a recovering crack addict. He was using for several years. We have been married for 29 years, have 2 kids, and a nice home. A typical middle class family.
He tried out- patient rehab and that was a total diaster relapsing twice in a matter of weeks. Then he found CA (Cocaine Anonymous). It is a 12 Step program very similar to AA. So far to this date he has been clean and sober for 10 months.
As for you you need a program just as much, I go to Alanon and Nar-Anon meetings. Just remember if I can leave you with one thing you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control it , and you certainly cannot cure it ! All addicts have to hit their bottom and want to recover. All of the groups are listed on the web and where to find meetings. I wish you both luck in your recovery.
God Bless
lildee
Hi - Just wanted to let you know that you are already doing the right thing by coming on here and asking questions. It shows that you care enough about your girlfriend to want to educate yourself about what she is going through. I don't know what the best program is, I have talked to many people for whom NA and groups like it have helped. I do know that for my son it seems to help. He did not have much success with the rehab program, but like everyone else has said, the person has to be ready to quit, and only the addict can decide what their personal "rock bottom" is. There have been so many times with my son where I have thought "This can't can't get any worse" and then it does! That said, he is doing really well for the time being and has been clean for 5 1/2 weeks now!
An ex-boyfriend of mine is also a crack addict and he quit on his own. He just isn't the type to join any groups and he could always BS the counsellors enough that they really didn't do him any good. What he needed was support from his family and when he got it, he was able to quit the crack. So it is different for everyone.
As for yourself, I found that personal counselling helped me deal with my son's addiction. Also learning how to not take responsibility every time he screwed up. I wish you and your girlfriend lots of luck, love and strength as you go through this.
CM
An ex-boyfriend of mine is also a crack addict and he quit on his own. He just isn't the type to join any groups and he could always BS the counsellors enough that they really didn't do him any good. What he needed was support from his family and when he got it, he was able to quit the crack. So it is different for everyone.
As for yourself, I found that personal counselling helped me deal with my son's addiction. Also learning how to not take responsibility every time he screwed up. I wish you and your girlfriend lots of luck, love and strength as you go through this.
CM
