My son is a recovering heroin addict. He's been "clean" for almost 9 months. He's doing well - finally working steadily (6 months), and mostly taking care of himself.
He's had a "lapse" lately though - drinking a few times over the past 6 weeks, and although he's sorry, it's very difficult for me because I worry so much about a True relapse.
He's aware that he needs to get back on track - but I'm not really sure how motivated he really is sometimes. He's always been a procrastinator, and in this case, that's not going to work! Sometimes he seems strong - but other times I hear that "forget it" attitude in his words, and I get so scared.
After the Halfway House he began living about an hour away from where we live (he didn't want to be around all the obvious triggers), but being so far away I'm never quite sure how he REALLY is (even though we try to visit as often as we can).
I Love him so much. I just want the nightmare to be over...
I guess the problem is - how do I stop worrying so much?
Welcome JA ~ I feel for you, I really do. Most of us on the family board have walked in those anxious shoes, tread that path with dry mouths and terror in our hearts. Placing their addiction squarely in their laps and letting them handle it is all we can really do. My 21 YO daughter is a multi-substance recovering addict, most recently from heroin after a long stretch clean. She started the same way you describe, a few beers, a few late nights, no more meetings...and then, full-on relapse.
Each time she relapsed in the past I would spring into action, doing things, saying, things, trying to save her from herself, trying to get her to see the light...none of it worked and only made our relationship completely dysfunctional. I came here in desperation and stayed because the people here talked sense to me. The talk was of releasing, letting go, not feeling responsible for her choices, living my own life, breathing easily even when she was not.
This last time I just surrendered to all of it...it's bigger than I am, not my fault, and will go where it's going to go regardless of what I say, do, or feel. I was able to find peace in this decision to let her addictions be hers, not mine. I can sleep now, and don't spend every waking hour consumed with her even though she is currently living here. It's been a long road, but I am finally getting some peace. Try an AlAnon meeting, I have found them most helpful just to hear others stories, or to speak if you feel ready.
You deserve a life free of fear.
Peace~MomNMore
Each time she relapsed in the past I would spring into action, doing things, saying, things, trying to save her from herself, trying to get her to see the light...none of it worked and only made our relationship completely dysfunctional. I came here in desperation and stayed because the people here talked sense to me. The talk was of releasing, letting go, not feeling responsible for her choices, living my own life, breathing easily even when she was not.
This last time I just surrendered to all of it...it's bigger than I am, not my fault, and will go where it's going to go regardless of what I say, do, or feel. I was able to find peace in this decision to let her addictions be hers, not mine. I can sleep now, and don't spend every waking hour consumed with her even though she is currently living here. It's been a long road, but I am finally getting some peace. Try an AlAnon meeting, I have found them most helpful just to hear others stories, or to speak if you feel ready.
You deserve a life free of fear.
Peace~MomNMore
MoreNMom...
I can't tell you how thankful I am for your post. Everything you said to me was something I needed to hear.
At this writing my son has had alcohol again - I'm glad he feels he can be honest with me...
His sponsor relapsed, and it's really been difficult for him.
He told me (by text) last evening that he was at a meeting. I hope he really did go...
I have called the local N.A. support group, Naranon, and am going to begin going to their meetings on Tuesday evenings.
I know that I'll probably always live with some concern for my child, but it is good to know there are people to talk to (either at the meetings, or in forums like this one).
Thank you all, and I hope you won't mind if I keep in touch.
I can't tell you how thankful I am for your post. Everything you said to me was something I needed to hear.
At this writing my son has had alcohol again - I'm glad he feels he can be honest with me...
His sponsor relapsed, and it's really been difficult for him.
He told me (by text) last evening that he was at a meeting. I hope he really did go...
I have called the local N.A. support group, Naranon, and am going to begin going to their meetings on Tuesday evenings.
I know that I'll probably always live with some concern for my child, but it is good to know there are people to talk to (either at the meetings, or in forums like this one).
Thank you all, and I hope you won't mind if I keep in touch.
Dear J.A.,
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you need this but we will help in any way we can. You are not alone.
You've received some very good advice from MomNMore. I'm so glad to hear that you're planning to go to meetings and that you'll continue to post on here. There are a lot of loving, caring, and wise people on here who will give you the support you need. We all know how difficult it can be to have a loved one who is an addict. You'll have good days and bad days. Just keep trying to take one day at a time....don't waste time and energy regretting the past or worrying about the future. They both will be what they will be. I know....that is sometimes easier said than done.
We would love to have you join us over on the Friends/Partners of Addicts forum too.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
God bless,
Susan
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you need this but we will help in any way we can. You are not alone.
You've received some very good advice from MomNMore. I'm so glad to hear that you're planning to go to meetings and that you'll continue to post on here. There are a lot of loving, caring, and wise people on here who will give you the support you need. We all know how difficult it can be to have a loved one who is an addict. You'll have good days and bad days. Just keep trying to take one day at a time....don't waste time and energy regretting the past or worrying about the future. They both will be what they will be. I know....that is sometimes easier said than done.
We would love to have you join us over on the Friends/Partners of Addicts forum too.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
God bless,
Susan
Dear JA,
Hope all is well with you and your son. Please check in with us when you can.
God bless!
Susan
Hope all is well with you and your son. Please check in with us when you can.
God bless!
Susan
My son has admitted to having done heroin again....
:o(
He says he's done it a few times over the past couple of months. The last two times were just this past Friday & Saturday (once each day), but felt the adverse effects by Sunday (nausea, etc.).
He feels like a failure, and seems depressed.
I know that his loneliness & a lack of patience with himself isn't helping.
I wonder what else I can do?
:o(
He says he's done it a few times over the past couple of months. The last two times were just this past Friday & Saturday (once each day), but felt the adverse effects by Sunday (nausea, etc.).
He feels like a failure, and seems depressed.
I know that his loneliness & a lack of patience with himself isn't helping.
I wonder what else I can do?
Dear J.A.,
As painful as it is for us mothers to watch, all that he is going through is very normal.....it goes with that territory. Add to it the guilt of telling lies to the people who love them the most and for my son the guilt to stealing to support his habit. It's one heck of a hole they have to climb out of. Pray, pray, pray!
My son went on an anti-depressant for a while but even then I worried because some anti-depressants can take them farther down.
Have you thought of going to any support meetings (Naranon or Alanon) for yourself?
Love,
Susan
As painful as it is for us mothers to watch, all that he is going through is very normal.....it goes with that territory. Add to it the guilt of telling lies to the people who love them the most and for my son the guilt to stealing to support his habit. It's one heck of a hole they have to climb out of. Pray, pray, pray!
My son went on an anti-depressant for a while but even then I worried because some anti-depressants can take them farther down.
Have you thought of going to any support meetings (Naranon or Alanon) for yourself?
Love,
Susan
Thanks for your thoughts, Susan.
Yes, I've gone to a meeting (only once) since having come to this forum. It was incredible! My main problem is my schedule. I work two full-time jobs, and it's difficult to get to a meeting because of that.
Still, it's helpful to have somewhere to go to express my feelings about all of this. Most people REALLY don't get it! Even my daughter (who has always been so close to my son) feels like he's simply chosen a bad thing.
It's difficult for most people to see that it wasn't just about choosing to put a needle in his arm - that it was about so much more than that, AND so much more physically, emotionally, genetically, and environmentally involved....
It's complicated.
Not that I'd take his responsibility away, really, but compassion heals my Heart too...
Anyway - he's trying very hard to not use again, and at this point has been clean again for five days (counting today). It doesn't seem that long after he'd been clean almost eight months, but it's an achievement born in courage & determination. I respect him very much for it.
Keep writing, though - it does help me.
Thanks!
Yes, I've gone to a meeting (only once) since having come to this forum. It was incredible! My main problem is my schedule. I work two full-time jobs, and it's difficult to get to a meeting because of that.
Still, it's helpful to have somewhere to go to express my feelings about all of this. Most people REALLY don't get it! Even my daughter (who has always been so close to my son) feels like he's simply chosen a bad thing.
It's difficult for most people to see that it wasn't just about choosing to put a needle in his arm - that it was about so much more than that, AND so much more physically, emotionally, genetically, and environmentally involved....
It's complicated.
Not that I'd take his responsibility away, really, but compassion heals my Heart too...
Anyway - he's trying very hard to not use again, and at this point has been clean again for five days (counting today). It doesn't seem that long after he'd been clean almost eight months, but it's an achievement born in courage & determination. I respect him very much for it.
Keep writing, though - it does help me.
Thanks!
Just thought I'd update everyone on my son's recent relapse:
He's been clean now for 13 days, and has been going to meetings again (every day this week).
He said that everyone was so happy to see him, and made him feel so welcome that he was glad he had decided to go at the last minute. He's also heard two wonderful speakers this week whom he was able to relate to.
He "sounds" good....
I know he's not out of the woods - maybe he never will be, but he's aware that his "research" bore nothing but bad feelings, and bad fruit.
So....I'm crossing my fingers, and looking forward to two weeks (tomorrow).
:o)
He's been clean now for 13 days, and has been going to meetings again (every day this week).
He said that everyone was so happy to see him, and made him feel so welcome that he was glad he had decided to go at the last minute. He's also heard two wonderful speakers this week whom he was able to relate to.
He "sounds" good....
I know he's not out of the woods - maybe he never will be, but he's aware that his "research" bore nothing but bad feelings, and bad fruit.
So....I'm crossing my fingers, and looking forward to two weeks (tomorrow).
:o)
One day at a time...get enough of those strung together and you'll have months, then years...but for now, one day at a time...
And THAT is the Truth!
Thanks!
Thanks!
Oh I am so glad you can have a little peace of mind.
Your sons meetings sound as if they are going good.
He's Blessed to have such a caring mom, JA!
Your sons meetings sound as if they are going good.
He's Blessed to have such a caring mom, JA!
Dear J.A.,
I'm so happy to hear that he has 2 weeks today! That is a very good step in the right direction and the meetings are so helpful....just as this board is to you. They understand what he is going through just as we do.
Keep posting and taking it one day at a time! I'll keep praying.
Love,
Susan
I'm so happy to hear that he has 2 weeks today! That is a very good step in the right direction and the meetings are so helpful....just as this board is to you. They understand what he is going through just as we do.
Keep posting and taking it one day at a time! I'll keep praying.
Love,
Susan
-UPDATE:
This is the end of the second week of a new job my son started, AND Day 20 clean! My son seems determined to move forward (with no more "research") though I know that when things go wrong or he gets frustrated that old sense of "failure" or "hopelessness" may work it's way back into his mind (filtered by the disease itself). It's SUCH a conditioned response!
I wrote some prose recently for my son...speaking for him...I'd like to share it if I may:-
-Ive escaped the dragon before his wicked talons that tore at my skin
At first, the adventure seemed exhilarating flying high above the Earth powerfully blowing fire on anything that could harm me!
It wasnt long, however, before the beast turned and looked at me with his angry, red eyes, and betrayed my youthful spirit.
I jumped off his back.
I ran.
He chased me.
He caught me, but cleverly I broke free of his hold kicking him to the side I spit on him, and walked away, my head held high.
Funny how we remember the ride
We remember the wind in our hair.
We remember the power we thought we had over the things that might harm us
We forget the talons the flow of blood we forget the grief that is worse than the pain we thought we were powerful against as we flew atop the dragons back
I tried to ride him again, and he turned on me again.
His talons hurt me again
Ive escaped the dragon before his wicked talons that tore at my skin
And this time Ill never deceive myself again.-
-Thanks for letting me share-
This is the end of the second week of a new job my son started, AND Day 20 clean! My son seems determined to move forward (with no more "research") though I know that when things go wrong or he gets frustrated that old sense of "failure" or "hopelessness" may work it's way back into his mind (filtered by the disease itself). It's SUCH a conditioned response!
I wrote some prose recently for my son...speaking for him...I'd like to share it if I may:-
-Ive escaped the dragon before his wicked talons that tore at my skin
At first, the adventure seemed exhilarating flying high above the Earth powerfully blowing fire on anything that could harm me!
It wasnt long, however, before the beast turned and looked at me with his angry, red eyes, and betrayed my youthful spirit.
I jumped off his back.
I ran.
He chased me.
He caught me, but cleverly I broke free of his hold kicking him to the side I spit on him, and walked away, my head held high.
Funny how we remember the ride
We remember the wind in our hair.
We remember the power we thought we had over the things that might harm us
We forget the talons the flow of blood we forget the grief that is worse than the pain we thought we were powerful against as we flew atop the dragons back
I tried to ride him again, and he turned on me again.
His talons hurt me again
Ive escaped the dragon before his wicked talons that tore at my skin
And this time Ill never deceive myself again.-
-Thanks for letting me share-
Dear J.A.,
Excellent prose. Thanks for sharing. I would like to share it with my son but I always worry about bringing this horrible stuff back to his mind. Any opinions out there?
Love,
Susan
Excellent prose. Thanks for sharing. I would like to share it with my son but I always worry about bringing this horrible stuff back to his mind. Any opinions out there?
Love,
Susan
Sooooo....
My Son came to my house this past weekend to be there for my Grandson's Birthday party. He arrived quite early on Saturday morning. He had planned on going to a meeting Friday night (or so he said), but ended up going out drinking, and lost his NEW cell phone along the way...
:::sigh:::
Now he has to get a new one, and I haven't heard from him at all since he left on Sunday evening...
I can't help but hope all is well, and worry that it's not all in the same moments...
Seriously - I understand detachment, etc., and guess I'm simply not there yet, but I wonder if an addicts loved ones are ever Free either...
My Son came to my house this past weekend to be there for my Grandson's Birthday party. He arrived quite early on Saturday morning. He had planned on going to a meeting Friday night (or so he said), but ended up going out drinking, and lost his NEW cell phone along the way...
:::sigh:::
Now he has to get a new one, and I haven't heard from him at all since he left on Sunday evening...
I can't help but hope all is well, and worry that it's not all in the same moments...
Seriously - I understand detachment, etc., and guess I'm simply not there yet, but I wonder if an addicts loved ones are ever Free either...
Dear J.A.,
Some claim to be totally detached. They somehow seem to be. I don't see myself as ever getting there, but I hope that if things get really, really bad again that I will be able to detach to a greater degree than I did before. I know that when he relapsed, I didn't get as bad but it wasn't nearly as bad either.
One thing I almost hate to pass on to you was a bit of information someone shared on a different thread on here.....wish I could remember who....but they said that cell phones are a hot bargaining item to exchange for drugs. I HOPE that's not the reason your son's cell phone is missing.
One day at a time! Prayers still being sent for you and your precious son.
Love,
Susan
Some claim to be totally detached. They somehow seem to be. I don't see myself as ever getting there, but I hope that if things get really, really bad again that I will be able to detach to a greater degree than I did before. I know that when he relapsed, I didn't get as bad but it wasn't nearly as bad either.
One thing I almost hate to pass on to you was a bit of information someone shared on a different thread on here.....wish I could remember who....but they said that cell phones are a hot bargaining item to exchange for drugs. I HOPE that's not the reason your son's cell phone is missing.
One day at a time! Prayers still being sent for you and your precious son.
Love,
Susan
"I can't help hope that all is well"
That sounds pretty healthy to me. I'm not a parent of an addict but an ex gf of one...I can't advise in same way that others here can...and there are some very wise and caring souls here. But as a parent...you sound healthy...of course you hope for the best...and worry...but the insanity of living for them doesn't have to set in...and in your post it doesn't sound as though it has...
Thinking of you and yours
Maddy x
That sounds pretty healthy to me. I'm not a parent of an addict but an ex gf of one...I can't advise in same way that others here can...and there are some very wise and caring souls here. But as a parent...you sound healthy...of course you hope for the best...and worry...but the insanity of living for them doesn't have to set in...and in your post it doesn't sound as though it has...
Thinking of you and yours
Maddy x
I heard from my son yesterday. He actually sounds good...
I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself because he sounds good, then he slips up, then he sounds good, and slips up again, but perhaps that's "normal?"
Anyway - each time he makes a bad choice it seems to resolve him more to how really unwise the choice was.
Today he told me that he went out last Friday to have "fun," and it was everything but - and it ended up "messed up." I suppose he means by losing his new phone (which I'm pretty sure was the case...).
Anyway, he is (once again) feeling more sure of what he needs to do. I guess it's little steps along the way...?
I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself because he sounds good, then he slips up, then he sounds good, and slips up again, but perhaps that's "normal?"
Anyway - each time he makes a bad choice it seems to resolve him more to how really unwise the choice was.
Today he told me that he went out last Friday to have "fun," and it was everything but - and it ended up "messed up." I suppose he means by losing his new phone (which I'm pretty sure was the case...).
Anyway, he is (once again) feeling more sure of what he needs to do. I guess it's little steps along the way...?
"Peaks and valleys...peaks and valleys" That's something my dad used to say about...well, about life I guess. Your son is subject to the same ups and downs and learning curves the rest of us have, but you view them through those mother-of-an-addict lenses. Yup, I recognize them because I 've worn them, too. And of course, their emotional growth is delayed in equal measure to the amount of time they were in active addiction so they are likely to act immaturely and make bad decisions. I always said my daughter had to learn everything the hard way - twice.
You are doing well...jeepers, when I re-read some of my old stuff from early 2007, hell, some from this past July when my daughter relapsed...let's just say that you sound pretty together by comparison.
Peace~MomNMore
You are doing well...jeepers, when I re-read some of my old stuff from early 2007, hell, some from this past July when my daughter relapsed...let's just say that you sound pretty together by comparison.
Peace~MomNMore
