Good morning
Thanks to my friends who responded with advise and those who just looked in to check things out. There is a break in the action as the labs,techs, and doctors go over results and try a figure whats really going on.
Sandy has really been good thru this . The advise on how to be supportive has been helpful. Many of you ladies are correct when you say women problems are hard to talk about(for both parties)- - Anyway more procedures are set for next week.
As for me. Unfortunetly,I havent been to a meeting in a long time. Ever since I "fired my sponser" for what I thought was being to "intrusive".
I go though these fazes with NA. - Ill go for week,s, months at a clip,-then something comes up, I miss 1 or 2 , then I start making excuses why I dont need them anyway. Many of the people at these meetings dont like the fact that Im on mdone,and thats thier right- I usually dont even mention it,but a lot of these people know me from the street, and word gets out.If it makes a part of the group uncomfortable-then Im uncomfortable.
I took 2 weeks of vacation bottles from the clinic (almost 2 weeks ago) so I havent been down there for awhile. Starting Friday ,I go back to the once a week thing. Thats providing I have the cash to pay them for all the bottles they gave me in advance by mistake. When you get vacation bottles ,they are suppossed to be paid for ,so when you come back ,you dont owe anything. Now I know that and should have paid them in advance like the rules say,-but they missed it. Now I gotta pay- 3 weeks 165.00$- on top of all the other bills coming in , I really didnt need this.-oh what a tangeled web we weave... etc..etc...
Have to go to work- everyone have a good day & again thanks for all concerns and prayers
love,
jack
Hi Jack
That is mad, do you have to paid for your meth, well so do I but thats because the doc's won't give it out, so a have to by it on the streets, but now I am detoxing on the subs that my gf save up for me, because she was on them but now she is back on the meth.
But in the south of Ireland and in scotland and england, it's given out free, all they offer me is lofexidine, and it is crap, safer going cold turkey,
Well hope you been, has davey our lou been in lately, a now what you mean about bills, they are coming out of my ears, and a just spent 2 weeks wages ordering vally's online, to help me when I stop the subs.
Hope you are well mate, take it easy.
Geo
That is mad, do you have to paid for your meth, well so do I but thats because the doc's won't give it out, so a have to by it on the streets, but now I am detoxing on the subs that my gf save up for me, because she was on them but now she is back on the meth.
But in the south of Ireland and in scotland and england, it's given out free, all they offer me is lofexidine, and it is crap, safer going cold turkey,
Well hope you been, has davey our lou been in lately, a now what you mean about bills, they are coming out of my ears, and a just spent 2 weeks wages ordering vally's online, to help me when I stop the subs.
Hope you are well mate, take it easy.
Geo
Dear Jack,
About the meetings, my son encountered problems with people there because he was on Zoloft for his depression. Good Lord, how many people in this world are perfectly drug free???? This is such a thing as safe use of prescription medication! I think they should understand that you are on the methadone to get clean!
I'm glad to hear Sandy is handling things pretty well. Bless her heart! She's had so much to deal with!
You hang in there and try to take care of you!
Love,
Susan
About the meetings, my son encountered problems with people there because he was on Zoloft for his depression. Good Lord, how many people in this world are perfectly drug free???? This is such a thing as safe use of prescription medication! I think they should understand that you are on the methadone to get clean!
I'm glad to hear Sandy is handling things pretty well. Bless her heart! She's had so much to deal with!
You hang in there and try to take care of you!
Love,
Susan
Hey geo
The only way you dont pay and stay on a clinic in the States - is medicaid ,or if your on state welfare. If your on city welfare ,they pay 1/2.
Maybe thier are some other ways but Im one of these people that has always worked and always has an income,so they are more than happy to take my 55 a week.I kind of fall thru the cracks
Imagine this-- when I first got on ,many moons ago, it was 12 dollars a month.
Man it been a long time.
As you all know ,I go back and forth with the plan of detoxing off. Right now Im in a 40 mg rut.
Its been worse- -
Have a happy day
jack
The only way you dont pay and stay on a clinic in the States - is medicaid ,or if your on state welfare. If your on city welfare ,they pay 1/2.
Maybe thier are some other ways but Im one of these people that has always worked and always has an income,so they are more than happy to take my 55 a week.I kind of fall thru the cracks
Imagine this-- when I first got on ,many moons ago, it was 12 dollars a month.
Man it been a long time.
As you all know ,I go back and forth with the plan of detoxing off. Right now Im in a 40 mg rut.
Its been worse- -
Have a happy day
jack
Alright Jack
I was in scotland for a couple of months, so a could'nt get on, and my wee bro had stole my computer for playing games.
Scotland was a nightmare, the gf was using flat out, and I had myself down to 10mil of meth, and I told her if she was using I could not go over there to see her, but she told me she was on subs, so I went over. she was lying, she was using flat out, so I started using again.
When I came back from scotland, she give me all her subs to detox on and I got down to 1mg, and she came across here for 3 weeks, and she started using, so I started using again 2.
I told her if she does'nt stop giving into the brown, then I will have no choice but to have a break until we are both clean. I started on the subs again not sunday past but the sunday before, and was going down 8mg every 2 days, now I am down again to 2mg, but as I sure you know it is easier coming down 24mg to 16mg, than it is to go 2mg to 1mg and then to nothing. So I ordered some vally's for me for when I stop the subs.
Its been hard today, but I think I will do it this time.
Am scared, because a don't want to be feeling crap all day at work,
Has Dave or Lou been in lately?
Where you from in the states if you don't mine me asking, I would love to go to the states, my cousin lived in newyork for about 7 years.
Geo
I was in scotland for a couple of months, so a could'nt get on, and my wee bro had stole my computer for playing games.
Scotland was a nightmare, the gf was using flat out, and I had myself down to 10mil of meth, and I told her if she was using I could not go over there to see her, but she told me she was on subs, so I went over. she was lying, she was using flat out, so I started using again.
When I came back from scotland, she give me all her subs to detox on and I got down to 1mg, and she came across here for 3 weeks, and she started using, so I started using again 2.
I told her if she does'nt stop giving into the brown, then I will have no choice but to have a break until we are both clean. I started on the subs again not sunday past but the sunday before, and was going down 8mg every 2 days, now I am down again to 2mg, but as I sure you know it is easier coming down 24mg to 16mg, than it is to go 2mg to 1mg and then to nothing. So I ordered some vally's for me for when I stop the subs.
Its been hard today, but I think I will do it this time.
Am scared, because a don't want to be feeling crap all day at work,
Has Dave or Lou been in lately?
Where you from in the states if you don't mine me asking, I would love to go to the states, my cousin lived in newyork for about 7 years.
Geo
Hi Jack, those NAers do my head in! I just couldn't hack it. My problem with NA is they try and change you to fit the program, and unfortunately it just ain't one size fits all. The moment you get away from the program you start reverting to who you really are, and move away from their rigidly enforced ideas. They told me I wasn't a smack addict, I wasn't even a heroin addict, I was a drug addict, and addicted to all drugs. Now I'm a bright girl, well able to make up my own mind, and smack is in a class its own. Smoking weed, having the odd drink, dropping the odd E etc well that's more or less normal behaviour, and I don't want to be some kind of sobriety freak. I just wanted the smack out of my life. I didn't want to have a personality transplant in the process! They try and remove you psychologically from yourself. I like to tackle things head on, and the only way I've been able to do that is to be true to myself. I have no problem calling myself a junkie, a smack head, I have no problem in living in the town where I did most of my using and seeing users out an about. I like to keep it real. And I'm 100% clean from all opiates, and experience no head-f*** at all these days.
I achieved my goal, in my own way, just like I said I would. When I told them at NA that I thought it was all a bunch of bull$***, and I just didn't get their methods, and didn't like the way they went about things, they all shook their heads sadly, as if I was lost to the world. Ha! I wonder how many of them can say they've moved on like I have. I wonder how many of them still struggle daily with their addiction, wracked with guilt coz they thought about drinking a can of lager, then thought f*** it, if I drink the can, I may as well go the whole hog and whack up some smack whilst I'm at it, coz ALL DRUGS ARE THE SAME. You know Jack, I don't even dream about smack any more. I got no interest in it and I'm essentially the same person I've always been, just much much stronger, with far more self belief. And I've not become an alcoholic, I have a stash of homegrown which I could sit and smoke all day but I don't, just bring it out if it's an occasional social smoke with friends. I haven't dropped a pill for at nearly a year, and the last cocaine I snorted was when I was on holiday, and that was the first coke I'd bought for about a year, and I didn't even do it all in. I left half of it in the Isle of Man. Just as I thought. I'm not a drug addict, as in addicted to everything. I'm a heroin addict, and my problem was with heroin, nothing else. Yes, there are elements of the NA philosophy that make perfect sense to me, and I'm not so pig-headed that I discount the whole lot just coz I didn't get on with it. I take the useful bits, like the gist of the Serenity prayer without the God bits. I look to myself, not to God, I ask myself for the strength, not anybody else. So much of NA relies on complicated and inaccessible belief systems, and looking outside of yourself for the answers. I am 100% responsible for my own addiction, and I'm 100% responsible for getting myself out of it. Keep it real simple. I don't rely on anybody or anything else for my "sobriety", and nobody else can take it from me.
I gained strength by testing myself daily. Yes it was tough at first, to expose myself to triggers all the time. But you have to develop immunity to them or eventually one is going to trip you up. The other day I found a needle at the back of my drawer. Didn't even touch me. Just chucked it in the bin along with sweet wrappers and other junk that I no longer require without a backward glance. I remember why I kept it in the first place. As a test. To make me stronger. To help me deal with temptation. To be able to see it without wanting to use it. And I'd got to the point where I was just over it. Didn't need it any more.
OK, enough NA rantings. it's just it ain't the only way, and it ain't the best way. For me, any way. I do understand that I went about things the hard way, but that's just me. I have some strange ability in that respect, I do have a will of iron, when I choose to enforce it. It's just the choice which is the hard part! I look back over my life and I see it again and again. I dossed about for nearly my entire time at Uni, but about 6 weeks before my finals I glued myself to the books and learned the whole 3 years course content in that time, and came out with a top degree. I wanted to lose weight for my wedding. I didn't eat anything but low fat yoghurt for a month and lost 30lbs (too much really, but I never weighed myself, I just said all I would eat is low fat yoghurt for a month and that's all I did eat). Giving up smack was the biggie though. I had to to totally make a new life for myself, ditch the using boyfriend, live alone, spend 9 months reducing my subs, find a whole new way of dealing with life. But it made me strong and I have no regrets. You can't run from s***. You have to meet it head on, and there really isn't any point trying to soften the blow. Well that's just me...
Sorry to go on, it's just they annoy me somewhat!
Hope things are looking up for you. You'll find the money, you know you will. You found it for all the heroin you did, so you'll find it now... You don't need grief in your life right now. If the NAers can't be supportive and realistic now when you really need them, then perhaps they need you more than you need them... I know you won't f*** up on the gear. You got bigger fish to fry right now.
All my love as always...
Diff xxxxxxxxx
I achieved my goal, in my own way, just like I said I would. When I told them at NA that I thought it was all a bunch of bull$***, and I just didn't get their methods, and didn't like the way they went about things, they all shook their heads sadly, as if I was lost to the world. Ha! I wonder how many of them can say they've moved on like I have. I wonder how many of them still struggle daily with their addiction, wracked with guilt coz they thought about drinking a can of lager, then thought f*** it, if I drink the can, I may as well go the whole hog and whack up some smack whilst I'm at it, coz ALL DRUGS ARE THE SAME. You know Jack, I don't even dream about smack any more. I got no interest in it and I'm essentially the same person I've always been, just much much stronger, with far more self belief. And I've not become an alcoholic, I have a stash of homegrown which I could sit and smoke all day but I don't, just bring it out if it's an occasional social smoke with friends. I haven't dropped a pill for at nearly a year, and the last cocaine I snorted was when I was on holiday, and that was the first coke I'd bought for about a year, and I didn't even do it all in. I left half of it in the Isle of Man. Just as I thought. I'm not a drug addict, as in addicted to everything. I'm a heroin addict, and my problem was with heroin, nothing else. Yes, there are elements of the NA philosophy that make perfect sense to me, and I'm not so pig-headed that I discount the whole lot just coz I didn't get on with it. I take the useful bits, like the gist of the Serenity prayer without the God bits. I look to myself, not to God, I ask myself for the strength, not anybody else. So much of NA relies on complicated and inaccessible belief systems, and looking outside of yourself for the answers. I am 100% responsible for my own addiction, and I'm 100% responsible for getting myself out of it. Keep it real simple. I don't rely on anybody or anything else for my "sobriety", and nobody else can take it from me.
I gained strength by testing myself daily. Yes it was tough at first, to expose myself to triggers all the time. But you have to develop immunity to them or eventually one is going to trip you up. The other day I found a needle at the back of my drawer. Didn't even touch me. Just chucked it in the bin along with sweet wrappers and other junk that I no longer require without a backward glance. I remember why I kept it in the first place. As a test. To make me stronger. To help me deal with temptation. To be able to see it without wanting to use it. And I'd got to the point where I was just over it. Didn't need it any more.
OK, enough NA rantings. it's just it ain't the only way, and it ain't the best way. For me, any way. I do understand that I went about things the hard way, but that's just me. I have some strange ability in that respect, I do have a will of iron, when I choose to enforce it. It's just the choice which is the hard part! I look back over my life and I see it again and again. I dossed about for nearly my entire time at Uni, but about 6 weeks before my finals I glued myself to the books and learned the whole 3 years course content in that time, and came out with a top degree. I wanted to lose weight for my wedding. I didn't eat anything but low fat yoghurt for a month and lost 30lbs (too much really, but I never weighed myself, I just said all I would eat is low fat yoghurt for a month and that's all I did eat). Giving up smack was the biggie though. I had to to totally make a new life for myself, ditch the using boyfriend, live alone, spend 9 months reducing my subs, find a whole new way of dealing with life. But it made me strong and I have no regrets. You can't run from s***. You have to meet it head on, and there really isn't any point trying to soften the blow. Well that's just me...
Sorry to go on, it's just they annoy me somewhat!
Hope things are looking up for you. You'll find the money, you know you will. You found it for all the heroin you did, so you'll find it now... You don't need grief in your life right now. If the NAers can't be supportive and realistic now when you really need them, then perhaps they need you more than you need them... I know you won't f*** up on the gear. You got bigger fish to fry right now.
All my love as always...
Diff xxxxxxxxx
jack, just a note to say You and your girl r in my prayers and hope all goes well
diff, been following your posts and hope you r also well and things r calmer there, please be taking care of yourself and your baby
diff, been following your posts and hope you r also well and things r calmer there, please be taking care of yourself and your baby
Diff
I totally agree, I went to the doc's 1, took me ages to go, but I had tried every other detox myself with no joy, they sent me to an addiction ward for aclaholic's and tried to tell me that if your addicted to 1 thing you are addicted to them all, that is crap, I can take the odd E, coke, or go on the drink the odd weekend, but only once in a blue moon.
I think soom of them have not got a clue, you need to have been there and done it, the reason we get addicted to anything is because we enjoy it, but with H it's because if you stop taking it, you will cold turkey, and I know that the main reason why i always had to keep using, and I'm sure you and alot of other people had to keep using.
Now I got a load of 8mg subs, and I am detoxing myself, think am down to 1mg, so am going ti try and stop them soon.
Have a good week end every1, think a might take a few pills now. lol
Geo
I totally agree, I went to the doc's 1, took me ages to go, but I had tried every other detox myself with no joy, they sent me to an addiction ward for aclaholic's and tried to tell me that if your addicted to 1 thing you are addicted to them all, that is crap, I can take the odd E, coke, or go on the drink the odd weekend, but only once in a blue moon.
I think soom of them have not got a clue, you need to have been there and done it, the reason we get addicted to anything is because we enjoy it, but with H it's because if you stop taking it, you will cold turkey, and I know that the main reason why i always had to keep using, and I'm sure you and alot of other people had to keep using.
Now I got a load of 8mg subs, and I am detoxing myself, think am down to 1mg, so am going ti try and stop them soon.
Have a good week end every1, think a might take a few pills now. lol
Geo
Hi Geo, You are totally right about heroin being different because of its savage physical withdrawals, and because physical dependence develops so quickly, but it does also have a terrible psychologically addictive element as well. I think in the early stages of addiction you just can't get over how amazing it makes you feel, and it's almost like you feel privy to a very well kept secret - that bliss comes in powder form, it's like you've got the keys to the city. Nothing that good can be bad. And you get this illusion that you'll be able to control it. I remember the first withdrawals I ever felt. I thought "this ain't so bad, I can handle this..." Ha F-ing Ha! About 3 months later I was just starting to find out what "real" withdrawals were like. I tried doing my first cluck about 5 months into regular use. I thought I was going to die! I stayed in bed for 4 days, couldn't believe how messed up I was. Then I scored some gear, and didn't try again for a long time!
But after a while, I think I became addicted to the lifestyle too. I come from a working class made good, left wing, intellectual type family, and for a while I'd suspected that the values they tried to instill in me were a bit fraudulent. It was good to break the mould, it was good to be a criminal, it was good to f***-off the system, it was good to be the lowest of the low, like a metaphorical sewer rat, it was good to have the inside view. To be a part of the shady underworld. To be honest, the thought that I was a smack dealer was both horrifying and thrilling to me. It didn't take me too many years before that feeling wore off somewhat, and the whole life of crime thing became more chilling than thrilling. I lost a lot of my happy-go-lucky optimism, and became very suspicious and careful. I think I'd got to the point where I felt my luck had run out, and I was waiting for things to really go tits up, and that wasn't a nice feeling at all. But the thing is, once you've been a part of that scene, it's real hard to leave it. The system doesn't make it easy for you, with all these criminal record checks, and credit checks. Once you've been excluded, it's a bit of a life sentence, coz once you opt out, society doesn't want you back.
But right now, I think, hey what's so good about society anyway? As long as I get my giro, I can make my own way in this world! Maybe one day they'll all be wanting to join my club, whadya reckon?
OK, getting numb arse syndrome. gotta stretch...
love
Diff xxxx
But after a while, I think I became addicted to the lifestyle too. I come from a working class made good, left wing, intellectual type family, and for a while I'd suspected that the values they tried to instill in me were a bit fraudulent. It was good to break the mould, it was good to be a criminal, it was good to f***-off the system, it was good to be the lowest of the low, like a metaphorical sewer rat, it was good to have the inside view. To be a part of the shady underworld. To be honest, the thought that I was a smack dealer was both horrifying and thrilling to me. It didn't take me too many years before that feeling wore off somewhat, and the whole life of crime thing became more chilling than thrilling. I lost a lot of my happy-go-lucky optimism, and became very suspicious and careful. I think I'd got to the point where I felt my luck had run out, and I was waiting for things to really go tits up, and that wasn't a nice feeling at all. But the thing is, once you've been a part of that scene, it's real hard to leave it. The system doesn't make it easy for you, with all these criminal record checks, and credit checks. Once you've been excluded, it's a bit of a life sentence, coz once you opt out, society doesn't want you back.
But right now, I think, hey what's so good about society anyway? As long as I get my giro, I can make my own way in this world! Maybe one day they'll all be wanting to join my club, whadya reckon?
OK, getting numb arse syndrome. gotta stretch...
love
Diff xxxx
Hello..Jack glad you seem more relaxed,liked the post title ..pain about the meth. bill.Regards to you&your lady.Geo..hope all is o.k with you..my p.c is playing up so aint been about..how much sub you takin?hows yer daughter..all will be revealed!!!Take care all...Davey
