I have been thinking a lot about you and hope you are doing ok. I hope that you are grieving the way you need to and taking care of yourself.
I would love to hear more from you. Please post, even if it's just to vent.
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SP
I actually slept last night, the first time in I don't know how long and boy did it feel good.
I spent most of the day yesterday crying over the loss of my friend. It just seems like he's there in everything I do, everywhere I look, everytime I close my eyes. I finally called my mother yesterday afternoon, she is a true christian woman and I think one thing that was bothering me was that I always heard that the Bible said that if you took your own life you would go to Hell and that scared me that he would spend eternity in hell. My mother told me ( and I don't know if it was just to comfort me or if it was the truth) that if at the last minute before he pulled the trigger he said, "God forgive me," he would of went to heaven.
I know there are people out there who don't even believe in heaven and hell, sometimes I question it myself. I'm just so confused right now about life itself. It seems like we live this life which at times seems like a living hell, especially for us addicts and then we die. What the f*ck is up with that. We're here, we struggle with everyday issues bills, our kids problems, losing loved ones, problems with our spouces and then we just die. Do you understand what i'm saying? What is the whole point in life?
Does anybody out there understand me? That's why I say, maybe Lester had the answer to it all, why not just end it, say f*ck it all, is it really worth it?
Don't worry, i'm not gonna kill myself. My kids need me to much. They've already lost their dad, it would devistate them if they lost me to, but i'm just so F*CKING CONFUSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Anyway, I went 4 days without any medication, then yesterday I took a vicodin cause I was in so much pain, both physical and mental. I really felt like i was doing pretty good, then Lester killed himself and I felt like my world caved in. No, i'm not blaming my use on his death. He didn't make me take the pill. I'm just a weak person, i'll be the first to admit.
I just need some help in understanding all of this. I need some answers for my questions. Everybody keeps saying, "it'll be o.k., just give it time." and i'm sick of hearing that. I feel like i'm laying in that f*cking bed just rotting away and i'm sick of it, i'm unhappy, miserable and now confused.
I guess my question is. Is life really worth living? I'm tired and i'm tired or being tired. What's out there for me, I feel there's nothing out there for me, except my children and sometimes I feel they don't even need me. Yes, I have a boyfriend who's locked up, but I'm beginning to feel I don't even know him anymore and who would want to be with someone who feels like I do. What the f*ck is happening to me inside, I don't like who i am anymore. It's like my life is just one big ? mark...........
I spent most of the day yesterday crying over the loss of my friend. It just seems like he's there in everything I do, everywhere I look, everytime I close my eyes. I finally called my mother yesterday afternoon, she is a true christian woman and I think one thing that was bothering me was that I always heard that the Bible said that if you took your own life you would go to Hell and that scared me that he would spend eternity in hell. My mother told me ( and I don't know if it was just to comfort me or if it was the truth) that if at the last minute before he pulled the trigger he said, "God forgive me," he would of went to heaven.
I know there are people out there who don't even believe in heaven and hell, sometimes I question it myself. I'm just so confused right now about life itself. It seems like we live this life which at times seems like a living hell, especially for us addicts and then we die. What the f*ck is up with that. We're here, we struggle with everyday issues bills, our kids problems, losing loved ones, problems with our spouces and then we just die. Do you understand what i'm saying? What is the whole point in life?
Does anybody out there understand me? That's why I say, maybe Lester had the answer to it all, why not just end it, say f*ck it all, is it really worth it?
Don't worry, i'm not gonna kill myself. My kids need me to much. They've already lost their dad, it would devistate them if they lost me to, but i'm just so F*CKING CONFUSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Anyway, I went 4 days without any medication, then yesterday I took a vicodin cause I was in so much pain, both physical and mental. I really felt like i was doing pretty good, then Lester killed himself and I felt like my world caved in. No, i'm not blaming my use on his death. He didn't make me take the pill. I'm just a weak person, i'll be the first to admit.
I just need some help in understanding all of this. I need some answers for my questions. Everybody keeps saying, "it'll be o.k., just give it time." and i'm sick of hearing that. I feel like i'm laying in that f*cking bed just rotting away and i'm sick of it, i'm unhappy, miserable and now confused.
I guess my question is. Is life really worth living? I'm tired and i'm tired or being tired. What's out there for me, I feel there's nothing out there for me, except my children and sometimes I feel they don't even need me. Yes, I have a boyfriend who's locked up, but I'm beginning to feel I don't even know him anymore and who would want to be with someone who feels like I do. What the f*ck is happening to me inside, I don't like who i am anymore. It's like my life is just one big ? mark...........
A20,
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I just wanted to say that what has helped me the most in recovery is coming to accept that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a reason. Every terrible thing that happens to us is so that we can learn a lesson. If we don't learn what we're supposed to, we'll be faced with that lesson again.
Does that make any sense? I'm not trying to minimize the pain you're in now. I just don't know what else to offer you. I think the first time someone said that to me, I got mad. I'm a sexual abuse survivor. What lesson was I supposed to learn from that? What lesson are you supposed to learn from the death of your friend? Maybe it's that suicide of a parent hurts a child immeasurably. I would hope you won't do that to your kids.
There's a lot to live for. Give yourself time to heal and then decide.
Love,
Gina
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I just wanted to say that what has helped me the most in recovery is coming to accept that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a reason. Every terrible thing that happens to us is so that we can learn a lesson. If we don't learn what we're supposed to, we'll be faced with that lesson again.
Does that make any sense? I'm not trying to minimize the pain you're in now. I just don't know what else to offer you. I think the first time someone said that to me, I got mad. I'm a sexual abuse survivor. What lesson was I supposed to learn from that? What lesson are you supposed to learn from the death of your friend? Maybe it's that suicide of a parent hurts a child immeasurably. I would hope you won't do that to your kids.
There's a lot to live for. Give yourself time to heal and then decide.
Love,
Gina
I think the lesson to learn from suicide is just how valuable life is. Everyone has moments of thinking their problems are overwhelming and that life is just so tough with no happy end in sight. Then we hear of someone who took their own life and we can ALL realize that is not the answer. We see, through their act, that life is still the better option. There ARE answers. Im sure people are saying about this guy "if only he would have.....fill in the blank" " he didnt have to end his life" etc. etc. His end gives others a new beginning. Pehaps it will trigger others to step into someones life who is struggling. People dont always ask for help. We need to learn to recognize when help is needed and then step up and give it. I hope you get strength in the following days and weeks to honor his life by bettering yours.