About That 13th Step..

Ive been around the program for over 6 montns and clean for over 4 months now and there are so many jokes about the 13th step. I saw a tee-shirt saying, 13th step>"Get em on their backs before they get back on their feet." Im an attractive lady and the guys at meetings are constantly making passes. I feel into my old behavior and found myself on my back 2 different times before I wised up. Its suggested we not get physically or emotionally involved for the 1st year. It happens ALL the time. I hear friends talking about it and asking questions about it so often but NEVER in a meeting. For whatever reason, it seems to be a taboo topic for a meeting. Ive been considering throwing it out there and getting some experience strength and hope. My 2 experiences let me know it does happen and therefore it should be shared. Ive talked to my sponsor about it and am taking her advice. My concern is for the newcomers and how easy it happens. Any thoughts? Love to all, Janet
I've never had it happen to me, but I'm older than most and married. I imagine it would be difficult for a younger woman not to fall for any of those lines....who, but another addict can understand what you are going through....but I've heard stories of women that have met a man in rehab. I was in rehab WITH a girl that fell for a guy in there...I've seen him several times at a meeting since, but have not gotten to the question, "so how is so and so?" I figure it's none of my business and seeing as he didn't bring her to the meeting, it probably didn't work out.
Wow - that's scary. I haven't worked up the courage to attend a NA meeting, but I know I need to. There is a womens' group in the area where I live that meets once a week but I know I'll need more meetings than that. But I'll start there it seems safer.

How prevalent is this 13th step deal? I've heard about this before, but never with the reality you put to it.

Thanks for any input and advice. By the way, I'm not single (happily married) so perhaps I won't seem/look as available... plus I officially turned "old" today, but people still say I'm still attractive (mostly it's my husband saying it LOL!)

I am not suggesting that you did anything to "look" available by any means - I don't mean what I said in the wrong way.

E Nester
E nester, you are the new 30 today right?...I'm 3 years, well 2 and 9 months behind you...


I went to my meeting tonight and got there early, so I grabbed up the literature and passed it out for people to read and the guy who normally chairs the meeting handed me some papers and said, here, you do it...so I got to lead my first NA meeting tonight. It felt really good, though my brain has a tendency to overload my mouth and my words get scrambled. We had Topic night tonight and the topic was fear...I didn't get to share, but it was great to listen to others. I heard some good stuff in there. BTW, I told the guy, sorry, but I don't do muppets and boks...(mops and buckets for those who don't understand my garbleise)
I feel pretty vulnerable, I'm glad there are no men in my meetings.

I'd be concerned about switching addictions.:-)
WW it is very easy to replace sex for drugs, been there done that...didn't get a T shirt though (had one taken off though...lol)

I've read some stories on here about guys taking advantage of women...and I suppose it could be turned around too...I've always been warned to always have a female sponsor too.

Yawn, well y'all I'm off to bed...have a good night
To new Janet (not bumpsnomore) - was that tee-shirt actually worn in a meeting or did you just see it around somewhere? Just curious. I think that's really out of line!

ENester
Threads on 13 stepping always crack me up. I have visions of men in trench coats hanging out in front of meeting doors waiting for the poor innocent addict/alcoholic female to wander in from the street. I mean, come on, sure there are some men and women that will take advantage of newcomers but most won't. We come to the rooms lonely and scared and looking for acceptance. There are a few sick individuals that still look at the rooms like a bar without booze. They picked up partners in bars and continue to do it in meetings. They don't know they are hurting the newcomer or they just don't care. If a newcomer sticks with their own sex like is "suggested" there is little chance of getting picked up. When you've been around meetings for a while you will learn who the predators are. AA/NA is no different from any where else. If you want to get picked up, you will. If you are there for recovery, you'll get it.
Thanks Kat, your response sounds reasonable - I was just looking for another excuse to add to my list of "why I am not attending meetings". I can cross this one off (beside, as someone noted, I turned 50 yesterday, but 50 is the new 30!)

E Nester
Empty, the tee was on a website. Oh, and right on Kat... Love, Janet
When I was about 4-5 months sober I allowed myself to be picked up by a guy that had 16 years. We dated about a month. Now I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking! My taste in men has definitely changed since I've been clean LOL Although the bad boys still look good to me, the gentlemen treat me better. I've learned I can let a man take me to dinner and I don't even have to kiss him if I don't want to. Yup, I like being a lady. The guys in the bars that I used to date just don't measure up any more. If there was a loser around, I slept with him, lived with him, or married him. Sigh.
I don't usually post over here...but wanted to post a kinda reverse thing that has been mentioned on this thread that happened with me. I kept seeing a young guy around the local Alano club, extremely attractive, and then again at the big Saturday night hospital speaker meetings. I was about 4 months sober when I went up to him and gave him my phone number...he called, I thought it would just be a one night stand, however we've beein seeing each other for two years the first week of April. He has more time than I do sober & clean, but I am 13 years older than him. My daughters love him, he allows me the space I need and knows my Program, my Family, my Career come first, second and third and then him...and he wouldn't have it any other way. He saw me when I first came back to the rooms and never wants to see me in such a hopeless and desperate state again. I just thought I'd share this....instead of me the Newcomer being 13th stepped by an Oldtimer, I went from Step 1, skipped all the rest and went directly to the 13th Step and hit on someone with more time than me...and it's working out. I realize it is not suggested to do this, and I'm not endorsing it...but everyone is different...I thought my Sponsor was gonna really chew me out, she just said it happens, now get back into action and put your Program first!
I think it's an excellent idea to bring it up and there should also be a group conscience about it. Newcomers should be warned.

I was lucky, I stuck to women's groups for the first few months. I was too intimidated to talk in front of men. I know, seems unlikely, but I don't have that problem anymore.

Talk to them Janet. When they ask for a topic, bring it up.

Cowgirl
Janet and EN,

Don't let some of the derogatory comments on here or elsewhere about NA/AA scare you. For the most part recoverying addicts are some of the greatest people you will ever meet. You will find the most moral, loving, spiritual and respectfull people in the rooms of NA/AA. Of course there are a few bad apples everywhere in every walk of life that think only of themselves and don't care how they reflect on the fellowships they belong too. I'm thinking of Priests and Dr.s for example. How immoral & perverted some of them have been found out to be. Just use your good judgement in forming relationships with anyone you meet there. Often first impressions are the best.

Sincerely,

Sharon

PS: EN another reason to cross off for not going to meetings, ha ha.