Help please..... I am a mother of 4 my oldest is 25 and a homeless addict. I have tried everything rehab 4 times and still he does what he does. Stealing from us breaking our windows punching holes in walls. No he don't live with me but he won't stay away from me either. He calls at least 3 times a day and shows up at my door at least 2 times a day. My husband don't want him here and I can't blame him but I am at my wits end. He don't listen to anything I say. He does what suits him best always. Not caring about my other children at home or myself for that matter. How to I keep him away from my house and still love him from afar. Yes I feed him daily I can't stand to see my children hungry. But the he don't live with us and he can't either.
Hi, I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know I read your post, and I care. Jenna.
Momma,
I have an adult addict son. 35, 23 years of fighting the demon. His and mine. I finally let him go. He is homeless with a warrant on his head and on the run. He is with some girl that is according to him his case worker. I come here now and then to get refueled to keep my sanity. My other children are over his problems. He has stolen from all his family. And then his famous words I don't remember. He continues to lie and add stories to his stories. I wish I had keep a journal and wrote a book and given it to young children to see where there life is going.
All I can say is let him go. Completely. you have to, he will either get help or not. You can not make his decision you can't fix this, you didn't cause it.
Once he has hit the bottomless pit then only then he will get help. And you CAN"T FEEL GUILTY!! even if it leads to OD. Which is where I am.
For your sake and sake of your family put you first and let you son seek the help he needs.
xxx
I have an adult addict son. 35, 23 years of fighting the demon. His and mine. I finally let him go. He is homeless with a warrant on his head and on the run. He is with some girl that is according to him his case worker. I come here now and then to get refueled to keep my sanity. My other children are over his problems. He has stolen from all his family. And then his famous words I don't remember. He continues to lie and add stories to his stories. I wish I had keep a journal and wrote a book and given it to young children to see where there life is going.
All I can say is let him go. Completely. you have to, he will either get help or not. You can not make his decision you can't fix this, you didn't cause it.
Once he has hit the bottomless pit then only then he will get help. And you CAN"T FEEL GUILTY!! even if it leads to OD. Which is where I am.
For your sake and sake of your family put you first and let you son seek the help he needs.
xxx
Hey moms
Makes me so sad reading about your sons and what they are going through. How are they now?
My son has been using 8 years . Meth, crack pretty much anything that will give him a high. After spending last weekend at hospital .. He was released and now in rehab. He's already ready to be out Whigs tells me he is not serious. I'm already sick with worry And trying to get all the info I can so I don't enable him. I'm praying for y'all
Makes me so sad reading about your sons and what they are going through. How are they now?
My son has been using 8 years . Meth, crack pretty much anything that will give him a high. After spending last weekend at hospital .. He was released and now in rehab. He's already ready to be out Whigs tells me he is not serious. I'm already sick with worry And trying to get all the info I can so I don't enable him. I'm praying for y'all
I see this is an old post, but I will use it to say a few thoughts on the topic.
Where do they go when they can not go home and they still want to use?
Homeless shelter? Tell them if you dont want to be clean, this is where you live. If you want to live in a home, you must be clean. It sounds simple, maybe that is the simple way to say it.
That is the sad part. The choice sounds simple to us, but so hard for them.
Tell him your boundries. You can not be on the nasty path with him. Either he is alone on the path or if he is clean, he can be on your path. If he decides to stay clean, he still can not live at your home. He needs to start on him own and pay for his keep.
Make it clear that it is his choice. Society is not making him live this way, he is.
If he is not staying clean, tell him where to find free food at the food panty, and shelters, and to go to medicare office, and to get food stamps. If he wants that life, he needs to live it.
as I am typing, I see that even for a life on the street, a person needs to get their sh** together.
It is pretty sad .. sounds like they just want to sit around and let someone else bring them food and clothes.... they cant even make the effort to take care of themselves.
plopez - your son needs to live at a halfway house where he is taught the skills to take care of himself.
Where do they go when they can not go home and they still want to use?
Homeless shelter? Tell them if you dont want to be clean, this is where you live. If you want to live in a home, you must be clean. It sounds simple, maybe that is the simple way to say it.
That is the sad part. The choice sounds simple to us, but so hard for them.
Tell him your boundries. You can not be on the nasty path with him. Either he is alone on the path or if he is clean, he can be on your path. If he decides to stay clean, he still can not live at your home. He needs to start on him own and pay for his keep.
Make it clear that it is his choice. Society is not making him live this way, he is.
If he is not staying clean, tell him where to find free food at the food panty, and shelters, and to go to medicare office, and to get food stamps. If he wants that life, he needs to live it.
as I am typing, I see that even for a life on the street, a person needs to get their sh** together.
It is pretty sad .. sounds like they just want to sit around and let someone else bring them food and clothes.... they cant even make the effort to take care of themselves.
plopez - your son needs to live at a halfway house where he is taught the skills to take care of himself.
Hey Ny
Yes I've been going through all the new and old post. Trying to get strong.
My son has been in rehab 7 days and he called yesterday needing money for cigarettes and snacks. I sent through WU because they are taken as a group to the store. This is where I'm torn. His dad passed away and he has some money. I immediately took over as power of attorney because he would have died with all that money. So I'm torn on when I should use his money to help. Of course no hotels but is it ok while he's in rehab to help? He has a job if he hasn't lost it but he could only take an uber because no car. Thoughts please !
Yes I've been going through all the new and old post. Trying to get strong.
My son has been in rehab 7 days and he called yesterday needing money for cigarettes and snacks. I sent through WU because they are taken as a group to the store. This is where I'm torn. His dad passed away and he has some money. I immediately took over as power of attorney because he would have died with all that money. So I'm torn on when I should use his money to help. Of course no hotels but is it ok while he's in rehab to help? He has a job if he hasn't lost it but he could only take an uber because no car. Thoughts please !
plopez,
This is the most difficult stage. Your son must stay at the hwhouse he must keep his job and pay for himself. My son is in a similar situation. He is now renting a room, not associated w hwhouse. This is tricky. I would rather he stay at hwhouse for a year to get good habits in place.
my son did not like the rules or stigma of being in hwhouse. thinks he can do it on his own. Which he can, if he does not do pills.
He makes only enough $ to pay rent and buy his food, cigs. I have to be very careful not to give more. Although I did sent some clothes this last week. As you can read from my posts.
He was in Rehab Jan-Mar, hwhouse Apr-May, renting room jun-present.
He had it better when living at hwhouse. he had access to computer, tv, wifi, he had support of his peers, he had a program, he was able to afford a gym membership.
Since he move to the room in private house, he does not have tv, no wifi, no support,
He has commented that he thinks he is making a good move and then it turns out it wasnt.
While he was in rehab, before having the job, I did send $20 once in a while, for cigs.
They did give the residents a grocery card and take them to store once or twice a week.
My son always said it was not enough. The staff said for some it is enough and for some it is not enough. They have to learn how to spend correctly.
The staff asked us not to help him by sending money because it is undermining their ability to do it for themselves. and it is not fair for the others who do not have family helping them.
(my son makes it all sound worse than it is)
Once he got the job - one he could walk to, I have not sent $$. I have sent clothing.
The transportation and uber is always a problem. "he cant go to store, he has to eat takeout, so it cost too much, etc" I think he exaggerates. he nearly refuses to use public transportation.
I have seen healthy people take a cab to a train to a bus, in order to get to work. Therefore, our addicts can do that too. They just think they are too good for public transportation!!
I did recently pay for gym membership, thinking it might motivate him again. He has expressed getting a better job, but it would require transportation. I think he will have to use public transportation some how.
I have told him I will pay for medical care if he goes to acupuncture or massage for his back problems. He has not made appointments.
At this time I just want him to be successful at paying his rent and feeding himself. Once he masters that, he can go to the next step.
It is still sad. At times he says he feels like he is being punished, that he cant come home.
He says he does not make enough $ to save anything after paying rent and food. And he gets tired of it.
We have to be strong and stick to the boundries.
You have to be careful about talking to him and getting sucked into the story....
If he has a job, do not help. Keep the money for later when he is clean. If you keep giving the money, it will be gone too soon.
I do feel that the more I have said NO, the better it is. I am afraid at first to say no, but when I do, I explain that he need to do this, learn this, etc and he says he gets it..... and it is OK.
Good LucK!
This is the most difficult stage. Your son must stay at the hwhouse he must keep his job and pay for himself. My son is in a similar situation. He is now renting a room, not associated w hwhouse. This is tricky. I would rather he stay at hwhouse for a year to get good habits in place.
my son did not like the rules or stigma of being in hwhouse. thinks he can do it on his own. Which he can, if he does not do pills.
He makes only enough $ to pay rent and buy his food, cigs. I have to be very careful not to give more. Although I did sent some clothes this last week. As you can read from my posts.
He was in Rehab Jan-Mar, hwhouse Apr-May, renting room jun-present.
He had it better when living at hwhouse. he had access to computer, tv, wifi, he had support of his peers, he had a program, he was able to afford a gym membership.
Since he move to the room in private house, he does not have tv, no wifi, no support,
He has commented that he thinks he is making a good move and then it turns out it wasnt.
While he was in rehab, before having the job, I did send $20 once in a while, for cigs.
They did give the residents a grocery card and take them to store once or twice a week.
My son always said it was not enough. The staff said for some it is enough and for some it is not enough. They have to learn how to spend correctly.
The staff asked us not to help him by sending money because it is undermining their ability to do it for themselves. and it is not fair for the others who do not have family helping them.
(my son makes it all sound worse than it is)
Once he got the job - one he could walk to, I have not sent $$. I have sent clothing.
The transportation and uber is always a problem. "he cant go to store, he has to eat takeout, so it cost too much, etc" I think he exaggerates. he nearly refuses to use public transportation.
I have seen healthy people take a cab to a train to a bus, in order to get to work. Therefore, our addicts can do that too. They just think they are too good for public transportation!!
I did recently pay for gym membership, thinking it might motivate him again. He has expressed getting a better job, but it would require transportation. I think he will have to use public transportation some how.
I have told him I will pay for medical care if he goes to acupuncture or massage for his back problems. He has not made appointments.
At this time I just want him to be successful at paying his rent and feeding himself. Once he masters that, he can go to the next step.
It is still sad. At times he says he feels like he is being punished, that he cant come home.
He says he does not make enough $ to save anything after paying rent and food. And he gets tired of it.
We have to be strong and stick to the boundries.
You have to be careful about talking to him and getting sucked into the story....
If he has a job, do not help. Keep the money for later when he is clean. If you keep giving the money, it will be gone too soon.
I do feel that the more I have said NO, the better it is. I am afraid at first to say no, but when I do, I explain that he need to do this, learn this, etc and he says he gets it..... and it is OK.
Good LucK!
PS - when my son wants something, I am trying to state what I want him to do and if he does that then I will do the thing he wants. this is something that he needs to do, for himself - such as going to social services and getting a new ss card. if he does that, I will do ---- whatever.
So far this has not worked. He always sounds agreeable , but does not follow though.
He wanted shoes for work, I emailed links to shoes and said tell me which ones you want. He has not done so, ... so no shoes. then idk if he is seeing the email or not. I dont want to talk to him because I get too weak when I hear his voice..... one day at a time, we will see what time brings!
My point is that I want him to participate. not just ask and be given.
hope this helps!
So far this has not worked. He always sounds agreeable , but does not follow though.
He wanted shoes for work, I emailed links to shoes and said tell me which ones you want. He has not done so, ... so no shoes. then idk if he is seeing the email or not. I dont want to talk to him because I get too weak when I hear his voice..... one day at a time, we will see what time brings!
My point is that I want him to participate. not just ask and be given.
hope this helps!
Where do they go when they can not go home and they still want to use?..NY
shooting galleries....basements...abandoned buildings...other junkie places....sidewalk, park, alleys, shelters....and oh you would be surprised. ..it's own city out there...
shooting galleries....basements...abandoned buildings...other junkie places....sidewalk, park, alleys, shelters....and oh you would be surprised. ..it's own city out there...
PS - I went to NarAnon a few years ago.. for about a year. It did help a lot....
I am now starting to re-read the book and papers I have. I feel I need to review it. to get through the next stage.
pretty good, comforting book, reinforcing the message of not enabling, of letting go...
Sharing Experience Strength and Hope, Nar-Anon Family
See if you can go to meetings.... it will be very helpful for you.
I am now starting to re-read the book and papers I have. I feel I need to review it. to get through the next stage.
pretty good, comforting book, reinforcing the message of not enabling, of letting go...
Sharing Experience Strength and Hope, Nar-Anon Family
See if you can go to meetings.... it will be very helpful for you.
The one place the homeless addict won't go is the homeless shelter. They can't bring their "stuff" with them and they do a bag search. My son spent 4 months on the street, literally sleeping in a stretch of woods in town. During that whole time, I would tell him to go to the homeless shelter and he used the excuse that they have bedbugs...lol....like that is his worst problem. I saw that this original post was from May. I hope she checks back, I feel bad that no one answered her earlier. My advice would be the same as Sue's, set firm boundaries with your son. He's not allowed at your house or you'll call the police. If he's hungry, he needs to go to the soup kitchen or local food bank. He'll only quit when he's ready to do it. Rock bottom can be a long way down. My addict son, who used to be homeless, didn't stop when he was homeless and dirty....still using. The only time he's been clean in the past couple years was when he was in jail.
Michelle
Michelle
Hi Everyone,
I relate to the same situation, and ran out of ideas. It is frustrating not to be able to help. This is affecting me so much that, even in my job I get this crying spells out of no where. All I can do is pray, which I do every single day.
May God be with us(not limited to just one religion), guide us, protect us and provide the strength needed to go through this ordeal.
I relate to the same situation, and ran out of ideas. It is frustrating not to be able to help. This is affecting me so much that, even in my job I get this crying spells out of no where. All I can do is pray, which I do every single day.
May God be with us(not limited to just one religion), guide us, protect us and provide the strength needed to go through this ordeal.
Your right shell....use if you can before..hope that it holds...hide your works in a wall...stay out of the cold if you have to...normally though shelters just have too many people...
exactly, my son even bought a tent and lived on the beach, at least in Florida there are places that he can hide and doesn't freeze. There are food banks and church groups that help. He told me he has slept on park bench. One night my youngest woke up to find him asleep on his front porch coming down from a high. I put my son in hotels for weeks at a time to feel human again for just a bit. He would detox and shower and get the free breakfast meals. wash his clothes. I use to pray please let him like being clean and safe, and soft bed. But nothing it was a waste of money.
But now I can't worry about it, he is running and has been for three months. I don't hold my breath anymore for complete recovery. One day 'shrugs shoulders' who knows. But my heart of hearts it's not in this life time.
XX
Sue
But now I can't worry about it, he is running and has been for three months. I don't hold my breath anymore for complete recovery. One day 'shrugs shoulders' who knows. But my heart of hearts it's not in this life time.
XX
Sue
I am just learning how giving them money, etc is enabling them
Rabbit,
ANY help is enabling them. Read post on here, you will find strength, guidance, willpower and faith in yourself to stop helping them and live your own life.
ANY help is enabling them. Read post on here, you will find strength, guidance, willpower and faith in yourself to stop helping them and live your own life.
A few months ago I spoke to a nice young man who was an administrator at a rehab facility. He is 6 years clean. He said he did not quit as long as there was $$ given to him. When the $$ stopped, his parents stopped financially supporting or helping or giving. His mom still put a plate of food in the fridge. He still did not stop using until they cut off the food. Just saying....
