HI,
New here, but desperate just like you all. My 24 yo son has been smoking pot since 18 that I know of, maybe earlier, I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal at first, and not sure how I feel now, as I did a myriad of drugs when I was his age. I never felt I let it control my life(but that doesn't matter much now, since I'm 30 years without) but that's not the case with him. He smokes all the time and I know he also on occasion does ecstasy(or whatever it is these days) and cocaine. We threw him out of the house when he was 18 and on probation for other things(not drug related), let him come back a couple of times, he stole, lied, assaulted my husband and smoked in the house altho' he was not supposed to, always did what he wanted. Also has ADHD which of course means he has no impulse control to begin with. He has been out of the house now for over 2 years, but I have periodically helped him/paid for rent for an apt or hotel room. Yes, I know, enablement 101. Long story short, he was evicted from his apt a couple of weeks ago and now he's in a hotel again for 3 weeks. His grandmother received a scam phonecall looking for money but we thought it was him at first. Turned out not to be, but he went ballistic that we could possibly think it was him.(well, as I explained, you do steal and lie so......)Vowed to cut off all contact with us. I'm almost relieved that he will have to become homeless without my having to watch it all but I'm terrified as well. Don't know how to handle the roller coaster of emotions. Trying to go to a families anonymous meeting but I get close to the time and end up not going. Husband thinks I need therapy, demands I get therapy 'cos he's afraid I'm going to kill myself over this.(I have actually thought about it because I just want the pain to stop...)But I don't think I will. Don't want to leave him alone. He has no family besides me, just as I have none besides him. Everyone else is dead or may as well be.
I'm not even sure why I've posted this, other than putting it in writing is therapeutic in itself.
I guess I'm afraid of what I'll do when he eventually contacts me again....when he's out of money,jobless and homeless......I don't want to enable him again. I'm afraid I don't know how to stop......or at least I can't put what I do know into action or inaction as it were.
So, anyway, I don't know if he's an addict but he sure exhibits addict behavior so I guess it really doesn't matter.
How do you get over the emotional crap when you finally let him go homeless? If I knew he had a couch or 2 to stay on, it wouldn't bother me as much. The pain I feel is totally debilitating.....
He is an addict-so am i- the pain you feel is natural-so is your desire to help-your husband is right you do need to get some help-NA is the place where you will get it-Nar-Anon to be precise, there you will meet many people just like you-who are scared-dont know what to do-want to help their loved one but dont know how- the people that have been in NA a while will know and they will help you and support you- go- reach out-
if you let your son back in your life there must be boundaries in place-boundaries for him-and boundaries for you, so you do not enable him further- first things first - you are not responsible for your sons actions- for his addiction-whether he quits or not is his decision and responsibility-you cant fix him- only he can do that-but he needs to do this for himself and he needs to want to get sober and be prepared for the battle ahead- getting sober is easy- staying sober/clean requires work and support from somewhere like NA- very few of us make it on our own- we all have had to reach out for help and listen to what we have been told-learn how to live sober again-its hard but can be done-do not give up hope- get help for you first off- look after you-control the things YOU can control-the rest will fall how it falls- best of luck -reach out today
if you let your son back in your life there must be boundaries in place-boundaries for him-and boundaries for you, so you do not enable him further- first things first - you are not responsible for your sons actions- for his addiction-whether he quits or not is his decision and responsibility-you cant fix him- only he can do that-but he needs to do this for himself and he needs to want to get sober and be prepared for the battle ahead- getting sober is easy- staying sober/clean requires work and support from somewhere like NA- very few of us make it on our own- we all have had to reach out for help and listen to what we have been told-learn how to live sober again-its hard but can be done-do not give up hope- get help for you first off- look after you-control the things YOU can control-the rest will fall how it falls- best of luck -reach out today
Dear Vinnbeast,
I understand the shyness about attending that first meeting of Al Anon or NAR Anon. Just do it. Start with day 1 and dont' worry about day 2 until it arrives.
I predict you will be pleasantly surprised at how understood and welcomed you will be. The newcomer is the lifeblood of any recovery group. Normally they hand the newcomer a call list. Get a sponsor, work the steps, etc. The program works every time - if you work it.
The first step is coming to the realization you are powerless over someone else's addiction. The remaining steps will put you on firm footing to be the best possible parent of an addicted child.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
I understand the shyness about attending that first meeting of Al Anon or NAR Anon. Just do it. Start with day 1 and dont' worry about day 2 until it arrives.
I predict you will be pleasantly surprised at how understood and welcomed you will be. The newcomer is the lifeblood of any recovery group. Normally they hand the newcomer a call list. Get a sponsor, work the steps, etc. The program works every time - if you work it.
The first step is coming to the realization you are powerless over someone else's addiction. The remaining steps will put you on firm footing to be the best possible parent of an addicted child.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
