I'm new to this site. Found this yesterday while searching for help, for me not my son. He is a Heroin addict. He's now been gone, on the streets, for 7 days. Toughest 7 days out of our 3 years of dealing with this awful disease. Detox, rehab, 3 times... But now back at it. The consistent message is so clear from others who are living in our world, he has to want help and to stop. No matter how many times we pay for rehab, or give him help, if he's not ready it's not our fault.
" Let me fall all by myself" was suggested by another member's post. What a true and powerful read. I pretended it was from my son.
Hi, I keep Let me Fall in my purse. I read it several times a day some times. This is a great place to come for support. I started my recovery diary too. It is nice to have a place to go to let things out and to hear my voice/see my words.
My son uses a lot of stuff. He is back in jail because I called in his warrant as he was using again. He has periods of brief sobriety but then uses again within a short time. Since he has started the jail swirly with jail, probation, probation violation, jail cycle, he has spent his entire 20's in/out of jail. Now he will be gone for 2 years. We have a deep enabling cycle. I have overcompensated for what the pain that was inflicted by my marriage/divorce since he was little and he is now 29. It is SUPER hard to stop that. And, we get a glimpse of how they think/feel when we start to become aware of our own behaviors. One of the members posted a little saying (paraphrased) that is probably from Narc-anon:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I can not cure it
I can only control/change my own behavior/happiness.
I encourage you to start a diary. To come here every day and engage. I work all kinds of off shifts so it is hard to get to a physical meeting, but try and find in person support. Talk to people. I have found out that there are several people at work who are going thru same things. We have that look w/each other as we pass in the halls-we check in and if we need to talk we do. Shame is so huge in this disease. Stay focused. Come back.
My son uses a lot of stuff. He is back in jail because I called in his warrant as he was using again. He has periods of brief sobriety but then uses again within a short time. Since he has started the jail swirly with jail, probation, probation violation, jail cycle, he has spent his entire 20's in/out of jail. Now he will be gone for 2 years. We have a deep enabling cycle. I have overcompensated for what the pain that was inflicted by my marriage/divorce since he was little and he is now 29. It is SUPER hard to stop that. And, we get a glimpse of how they think/feel when we start to become aware of our own behaviors. One of the members posted a little saying (paraphrased) that is probably from Narc-anon:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I can not cure it
I can only control/change my own behavior/happiness.
I encourage you to start a diary. To come here every day and engage. I work all kinds of off shifts so it is hard to get to a physical meeting, but try and find in person support. Talk to people. I have found out that there are several people at work who are going thru same things. We have that look w/each other as we pass in the halls-we check in and if we need to talk we do. Shame is so huge in this disease. Stay focused. Come back.
Thanks and today when I drove near the area thinking he might be....I called my support group (husband and mother)
Do not do anything, read the email you shared with us... "Let me fall by myself"
It helped, though panic state has not disappeared. The message is so clear, they have to want it more than US.
Do not do anything, read the email you shared with us... "Let me fall by myself"
It helped, though panic state has not disappeared. The message is so clear, they have to want it more than US.
Good morning, need some strong words...
Anxiety starting to get in my head again. Son still hasn't checked in. 11 days on the streets. Obviously he is not down and out or think we would have received a call. Maybe our message was loud and clear "we will not pick you up from the rehab opportunity you received (which you are walking away from), you are not welcome in our home if you are using drugs". In the past, he has not lived with us for over a year and a half. Still managed to steal from us of course.. So talented when it comes to taking money or pawning items.
Just want to know he's alive. Asked my husband if we should file a missing persons report, he reminded me he was not missing because he does not live here.
Even in his high state he'd check in...
I've gotten educated about the heroin addict from this site, and the constant message... It's not my fault. Why do we as parents feel so bad?
Anxiety starting to get in my head again. Son still hasn't checked in. 11 days on the streets. Obviously he is not down and out or think we would have received a call. Maybe our message was loud and clear "we will not pick you up from the rehab opportunity you received (which you are walking away from), you are not welcome in our home if you are using drugs". In the past, he has not lived with us for over a year and a half. Still managed to steal from us of course.. So talented when it comes to taking money or pawning items.
Just want to know he's alive. Asked my husband if we should file a missing persons report, he reminded me he was not missing because he does not live here.
Even in his high state he'd check in...
I've gotten educated about the heroin addict from this site, and the constant message... It's not my fault. Why do we as parents feel so bad?
I think the "not knowing" is the hardest part of this experience. Are they dead, alive, in the hospital, arrested? I think because we love them so much and remember them before the drugs we always have hope which brings with it stress and anxiety. I have found that taking care of myself is the best thing I can do during these times. It is hard but important because when they are really ready for help you need to be strong and healthy and able to provide the help and support they need. Trying to separate logic from emotions can work but it is difficult but necessary. I put my daughter's issues in a pretend box that I can take out when I need to deal with the emotions so I can get through the day to day activities such as work and mothering my other children and trying to enjoy activities that help me stay healthy mentally and physically. I know there is nothing I can do for her during her "disappearing" times and I repeat over and over, I didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. It helps me when the emotions creep in when I need to be productive. Good luck with everything, this all just really "sucks".
Hang in there. The unknown is a scary place to be. I think we feel bad because we have no control over what they do, who they are with, what they do with their lives. We see they are like a freight train going 100mph into a brick wall and there is nothing we can do about it. We can't change their course, they have to live it for themselves.
Its hard to let go. To change those behaviors of following, checking up on making sure they are okay. Pray. Talk to a support person, Come here and keep posting. Take care of yourself.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? They know what you are going through and can help. You can get phone numbers of others to call at anytime the anxiety and stress get so overwhelming.
Its hard to let go. To change those behaviors of following, checking up on making sure they are okay. Pray. Talk to a support person, Come here and keep posting. Take care of yourself.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? They know what you are going through and can help. You can get phone numbers of others to call at anytime the anxiety and stress get so overwhelming.
Thank you both for the encouraging words. It does help to come back to the site and express your emotions to those who understand. Yesterday I met with my other child and asked that they send an email to my addicted son, JUST in case he gets an opportunity to get on line. I know encouraging words just might help him want to get help. Just say you love him, want him to get the help he needs so he can be a part of the family again. I know he only has family who really love him. Just maybe he might realize what he's losing and go get help.
I also delivered items to a recovery program for women yesterday. Lovely ladies getting their life back in order. Again, found words of encouragement but truth as well. Could take a long time before he realizes he wants help, could go to jail, could end up dead. Reality... I know. She told me "addicts are VERY resourceful, and can pretty much get anything they need even when living on the streets. As the weather changes, maybe life will get a little tougher. No one but him can change his path".
I'm heading to a co dependent meeting, and will make an alanon meeting as we'll thanks again.
I also delivered items to a recovery program for women yesterday. Lovely ladies getting their life back in order. Again, found words of encouragement but truth as well. Could take a long time before he realizes he wants help, could go to jail, could end up dead. Reality... I know. She told me "addicts are VERY resourceful, and can pretty much get anything they need even when living on the streets. As the weather changes, maybe life will get a little tougher. No one but him can change his path".
I'm heading to a co dependent meeting, and will make an alanon meeting as we'll thanks again.
How was your meeting?
Hope you are having a good day.
Hope you are having a good day.
Thanks, the meeting is Tuesday. Trying to stay busy so the mind does not wander on this weekend Saturday. To the parents out there, keep the faith our children will find a way to escape the demons that hold them.
Finding strength and hope from all of you. Same story 23 year old son addicted to heroin chronic relapser for 5 years. I have done it all. I'm so tired. He is clean and staying with my mom way up in the mountains, he has nowhere to go anymore and has left every aftercare place we paid to keep him in. Last time out he was sleeping in someone's car and sitting at Walmart to stay warm. I'm at a loss, took his phone away and sent him up to the mountains. He is clean but limited options. I'm sending my mom money to feed and house him but he is really isolated. I'm taking it one day at a time.
Thanks for responding. He called, went into detox on October 28th.. Praying this will be his last. He's heading into a program for 148 days, not limited to on Thursday.
He says he wants it THIS time.... One day at a time.
He says he wants it THIS time.... One day at a time.
Good luck, him wanting it can and will make all the difference. My daughter and I talk about this alot how without the intensive 30 day rehab and then the 3 month extended care would she have been able to get herself clean. The 148 days are necessary to get their minds clear and thinking partially straight again. But like you said, one day at a time. If he truly wants it, he can make it happen despite all of the negativity you may hear surrounding this experience! Good luck.
Thanks so much. This program sounds really good. They work to pay for their extended care, not us paying.
He really is excited. I know going out of the area is a big wish that the using will stop. I'm not kidding myself and do know drugs are everywhere, if they want it they can get it. It's a mind change, lifestyle change and is his condition... He needs to survive since we will not give him anything including a roof over his head.
I will continue to pray, for all our kids.
He really is excited. I know going out of the area is a big wish that the using will stop. I'm not kidding myself and do know drugs are everywhere, if they want it they can get it. It's a mind change, lifestyle change and is his condition... He needs to survive since we will not give him anything including a roof over his head.
I will continue to pray, for all our kids.
My daughter's extended care also had her get a part time job and help to pay for her living. The job helped her to feel responsible and capable. They kept all of her money in an account and if she wanted any for snacks, etc, she had to bring back receipts to prove what she used the money for. Once she finished up she chose to stay in that area since she had a job and friends but once out of the program she did have a 3 day slip up but quickly came to us to ask for help. I found that she needed some extended help with budgeting money and paying for her own apt. (we refused to supplement her income) and the recovery program just cut her loose when she was finished and not fully ready to be an adult on her own but she was learning the hard way. She needed to leave that area and came home to live and today she is still applying all of the great lessons she learned in the recovery program and has set her own rules and regulations. So, when it is time talk with the recovery program and see what they do to help them transition to independent living. That was the only negative I have of the program my daughter attended.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Thanks for the information. I sure hope this goes the right way... All up to him and think the distance, independence might help him become the adult. He called last night and was trying to talk me into allowing him to take "his computer". I reminded him the computer is actually mine since I removed it twice from the pawn shop. I will not give in, my husband and I are united. Tough love from afar.
I highly doubt he could have a computer there anyway. The only computer access my daughter had was while in sober living and she had to go the public library to use it. Most rehabs will ban all forms of communication for awhile. I wouldn't even think twice about this one, a computer is not a need it is a want! Keep remembering that when he asks for more things. Most of them will be wants. The only need he will have is possibly help paying for rehab. Good luck!
GPBAS.
Tough love is just that- TOUGH. I can say for me it got easier the more I stuck to my guns. I always gave in. When I learned how to say NO and mean it, things started to change.
My daughter always wanted an explanation on WHY I said NO. I learned not to get into a big discussion. We have a right to stand up and do what we feel and not give in to others demands or wants. In the long run, it saves us the aggravation of giving in and then stressing about it later. Hang in there and keep posting. How's the meetings going?
Tough love is just that- TOUGH. I can say for me it got easier the more I stuck to my guns. I always gave in. When I learned how to say NO and mean it, things started to change.
My daughter always wanted an explanation on WHY I said NO. I learned not to get into a big discussion. We have a right to stand up and do what we feel and not give in to others demands or wants. In the long run, it saves us the aggravation of giving in and then stressing about it later. Hang in there and keep posting. How's the meetings going?
This site is amazing! The stories are all too familiar. It is so heartbreaking. So very sad. I have a 27 yr old son who is an addict. I believe he is doing pills and possibly even herion. I am so scared for his life. He has a 3 yr old son. He left the mom of his child. I care for my grandson all the time (which i Love) so that the mom can work. My son has not worked in almost a yr. I lost a son of cancer when he was two yrs old in 1994. The son who is an addict was 7 yrs when his brother died. I cannot lose another son.
I'm with you all...my son is 28 and I cry daily about what he has done to his life. Getting the felonies just adds more sadness and drama to their lives. It seems you want to try to save your son as much as you can...like you I kept trying until somehow it became out of my control and he ended in jail. Who knows maybe coming home will save YOUR son. Different things work for different people. I feel your pain. As we all do. All we want is happy healthy children. We are getting up there in age and my one wish before I die or before his stress kills me is to see him stand on his own two feet. I support you...did you do the right thing? We can't know yet.
GP I apologize I'm new to this site and my response was to another woman another post...but basically the same applies...to all of us with these drug addicted "adult" children. My son also does heroin. Its horrible....more horrible for us because we are not "high" and "numb" but we watch what they do to destroy their lives.
