I just found this site. I hope someone can tell me if I am making the right decision . My 28 year old ADHD son has been using pain pills for several years now and smoking Marijuana. The last 2 plus has gotten worse with his anger causing him to get in trouble with the law and have monthly fines to pay. Fast forward to today. Another incident ....looking at possible jail time for it and longer if the balance of his last fines do not get paid. My son is begging me to pay it saying he will lose his mind and I will not have a son if he has to go in. He is homeless and has refused all other past attempts at getting help although he went to detox for 2 days some months ago. This roller coaster ride is endless and the extreme ups and downs in his conversations...... If I pay this am I enabling him further and if I do not am what will I do if my son takes his life?
Hi , it may sound harsh but perhaps jail is the wake up call your son needs, you are not responsible for his addiction or for his recovery - he is an adult and must learn to take responsibility for his actions, regardless of his ADHD - that's not an excuse, the courts wont overlook his offences because of it ? will they - no, he needs to face up to the fact that his actions have consequences and he has to deal with them - ok, say you pay his fines ? what happens then ? he goes back out and uses drugs ? then what, more anger, more court dates and then what ? you keep paying ? -
addicts manipulate everyone they can to feed their habit and to avoid the consequences of their drug use, i did it for years - suicide threats are the ultimate emotional blackmail and manipulation - how long do you think you can keep enabling him? when is enough really enough? - let your son sort out his own mess - it may just help him to realise the direction his life is taking- you cannot fix him - only he can make that choice - you are not alone in this situation, there are many other parents on this forum with the same dilemma - keep posting here for advice and support - you are never alone in addiction - all the best -
addicts manipulate everyone they can to feed their habit and to avoid the consequences of their drug use, i did it for years - suicide threats are the ultimate emotional blackmail and manipulation - how long do you think you can keep enabling him? when is enough really enough? - let your son sort out his own mess - it may just help him to realise the direction his life is taking- you cannot fix him - only he can make that choice - you are not alone in this situation, there are many other parents on this forum with the same dilemma - keep posting here for advice and support - you are never alone in addiction - all the best -
I would like to echo what travelin man says.
I know hundreds of people in recovery, many who spent time in jail. They often cite their jail time in becoming convinced they "hit bottom". The pain of changing finally became less than the pain of not changing.
Your everday emotions do not have to be tied to another person's addiction. Working a good codepedent or family support program will enable you to find a better way ot living. It is near impossible to achieve this liberty on your own - so please don't try to manage this on your own. Al Anon is a great program. NAR ANon is too, and many churches offer faith-based programs if that is your thing.
Lastly, I emphathize with you. I know firsthand how gut-wrenching it is to have a loved one flush their life and potential down the drain. I nearly went nuts for many, many years before I found Al Anon. I hope you can find the answer, too.
I know hundreds of people in recovery, many who spent time in jail. They often cite their jail time in becoming convinced they "hit bottom". The pain of changing finally became less than the pain of not changing.
Your everday emotions do not have to be tied to another person's addiction. Working a good codepedent or family support program will enable you to find a better way ot living. It is near impossible to achieve this liberty on your own - so please don't try to manage this on your own. Al Anon is a great program. NAR ANon is too, and many churches offer faith-based programs if that is your thing.
Lastly, I emphathize with you. I know firsthand how gut-wrenching it is to have a loved one flush their life and potential down the drain. I nearly went nuts for many, many years before I found Al Anon. I hope you can find the answer, too.
Hi,
I concur with everything that's already been said. I was also an ADHD kid, waaay back in the mid 70s. I was on Ritalin. I'm not sure how it works for everyone, but ADHDs are far from stupid, or victims or anything. In fact, most are very intelligent. So please don't let that factor into your guilt. They can and do go on to lead very successful lives, IF they want to. But, if you continually give in to an ADHD they can also be monsters.
You are a hostage right now to his behaviors. The hallmark of good parenting is that your kids stand on their own two feet. Nothing I have ever read or heard suggests that picking up the pieces for BAD behavior helps a child. Telling someone that if they don't pay your fines, they'll kill themselves is classic manipulation. And they do this because it works.
I am also a mother, so I get the fear of, "what will I do if he really does kill himself?" And I can't answer that. What I can say is that enabling is pretty much the same thing. If he gets into trouble and never feels the full consequences of his actions, there will never be an incentive for him to stop. In recovery, I've heard it called "loving them into the grave." You are currently in a no win situation. If you pay his fines, that sends a message that you'll be there to bail him out. Like positive reinforcement... Saying "yes" to his current choice of death by drugs. If you don't pay his fines and he kills himself, at least you said "no" to his current choice of death by drugs. At least by saying "no" he might get it. He might say, "Hey, mom won't be there to pick up the pieces anymore, maybe I better get straight."
I guess what I'm saying is that death is always a possibility in the realm of drug addiction. At least by refusing to enable, you aren't loading the gun for him.
I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I concur with everything that's already been said. I was also an ADHD kid, waaay back in the mid 70s. I was on Ritalin. I'm not sure how it works for everyone, but ADHDs are far from stupid, or victims or anything. In fact, most are very intelligent. So please don't let that factor into your guilt. They can and do go on to lead very successful lives, IF they want to. But, if you continually give in to an ADHD they can also be monsters.
You are a hostage right now to his behaviors. The hallmark of good parenting is that your kids stand on their own two feet. Nothing I have ever read or heard suggests that picking up the pieces for BAD behavior helps a child. Telling someone that if they don't pay your fines, they'll kill themselves is classic manipulation. And they do this because it works.
I am also a mother, so I get the fear of, "what will I do if he really does kill himself?" And I can't answer that. What I can say is that enabling is pretty much the same thing. If he gets into trouble and never feels the full consequences of his actions, there will never be an incentive for him to stop. In recovery, I've heard it called "loving them into the grave." You are currently in a no win situation. If you pay his fines, that sends a message that you'll be there to bail him out. Like positive reinforcement... Saying "yes" to his current choice of death by drugs. If you don't pay his fines and he kills himself, at least you said "no" to his current choice of death by drugs. At least by saying "no" he might get it. He might say, "Hey, mom won't be there to pick up the pieces anymore, maybe I better get straight."
I guess what I'm saying is that death is always a possibility in the realm of drug addiction. At least by refusing to enable, you aren't loading the gun for him.
I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
To pay off your sons debt would be to rob him of the lesson....He is trying to emotionally get you to bend to his demands...I lost my son to addiction months ago....I tried just about everything but as my mind flashes back I see many times how we thought we were helping but we robbed him of lessons ....we helped him pay fines ....we bailed him out of jail in the beginning. ..You have to allow reality to smack him clear upside his head. ..He is homeless so your bailing him out to go back to the street. ..my best nights sleep was when Chris was in jail...I knew he couldn't use ....knew where he was....they gave him to short a sentence last time.... I knew the pattern would continue I didn't want to believe it but it did.....now Chris at 29 his life is over and I sit here every hour every minute missing him and mourning his passing.You cannot allow the inmate to run the asulym. ...He cannot take care of himself or make good choices...so you have to be the one to make them.
MY MOTHER ENABLED MY BROTHER TILL THE END , HE DIED AT 40 YEARSOLD. I KNOW ITS SOOOO HARD , BUT HE NEEDS TO GO TO A LONGTERM DETOX, GIVE HIM THE CHOICE THATS ALL YOU CAN DO
LUV
MARIA
LUV
MARIA
Well it looks like a lot of us are in the same boat. My son 31 years left home about a month ago. I have not heard from him but others have seen him here and there. I must admit that I do miss him but I have not called him either. What would I say, come home? He was doing the same, taking pills and smoking marijuana and not working. Every week there was a different excuse. On that particular day, he was acting like a wild man and because I asked what had he planned to do with his life. He screamed in the phone and said that I did not want him here because I'm choosing by life partner over him. Well, my partner (for over 10 years) pays bills, takes care of house and takes care of me. In the past he's even found work for my son or would sometimes just give him money so that he would have a few dollars in his pocket (I guess it's a man thing). He finally stopped when he realized that he was not trying to help himself. He smelled like marijuana and everybody knows he was not going to pass a drug test. But yet he said he was looking for work. When he left in a rage on that day, he told me that I did not love him and that he was going to kill himself. I do miss him, because for a very long time it was just he and I after the divorce. It takes everything in me not to call. I still cry most days. Will someone respond please. Thank you.
Thank you everyone for your response. I cry as I read them. It couldn't be said any planer.
Hi IceTea and welcome
as you have probably read and are only too aware, you cannot help your son until he decides he wants help - the suicide threat is common trying to deflect the guilt he feels- addicts manipulate everyone around them to get what they want- addiction is all about the addict and the drug/alcohol - thats all that matters to an addict that is using- you would not be helping him any by letting him come back- just enabling his drug use- your doing the right thing- you need to take care of you and he needs to realise his choices have consequences- all the best-
as you have probably read and are only too aware, you cannot help your son until he decides he wants help - the suicide threat is common trying to deflect the guilt he feels- addicts manipulate everyone around them to get what they want- addiction is all about the addict and the drug/alcohol - thats all that matters to an addict that is using- you would not be helping him any by letting him come back- just enabling his drug use- your doing the right thing- you need to take care of you and he needs to realise his choices have consequences- all the best-
