Is it wise to repost our stories...our horror stories? I feel that everyone here that somewhat knows me, knows my story, and I feel silly for reposting.
BUT
We never know who is reading, that hasn't gained the courage to post yet, that may need to hear how bad some of us were using.....and that we made it out...one day at a time.
So, at the risk of repeating myself...and you all repeating yours...let's all share as if we are meeting one another for the first time. We may help someone.
I'l go:
I am 45. I started taking vicoprofen for severe endometriosis only during my cycle. That was many years ago.
I started using the pills outside of that time (recreationally) sometime in 2000. I remember in 2001, 9/11....reaching for a norco when the towers were coming down and thinking how odd it was that I was feeling stress and reaching for a pain pill. Before that, I don't remember my recreational use being during the day...it was mostly when I was partying at night, etc.
By the end of that year, I ALWAYS had pills on me. Literally, I never ran out.
I never tried to quit until this summer. I didn't want to quit...it was just two or three pills a day....most of them were coming from a Dr....(somehow that legitimized it for me mentally) and I sure had more energy and focus. I didn't think I had a problem.
It only got worse, and at the end I was taking anywhere from 10 to who knows how many lortabs, norcos, percocets, you name it hydrocodones as I could get my hands on.
I was out of control. The worst side effect of my abuse was the ANGER it caused me to feel all the time. I was in a constant state of being on the verge of rage or a total emotional melt down. It was just nuts. I didn't even know it until I had a little clean time under my belt.
I also didn't realize how many pills I was using daily until I had a little clean time and recreated some of my stuff via cash receipts from the ATM and check book activity. The numbers are ridiculous.
I lost my Dad. A beautiful, gentle, loving man who was my closest ally in life. Always my champion...and I had to make his life count for something more...I just had to honor him in some way, and I knew it had to be in the form of the example of my life. He reached from heaven and touched me and helped me...he is helping me still.
That is what is took for me....seeing myself counting pills on his deathbed...that was my bottom.
Addiction is crazy. It is a liar and a cheat and a very strong machine. BUT the good news is....we can beat it. We are so much stronger in the collective....which is why meetings work, and forums such as this work. When we love and support we truly can lift one another out of hell.
There is always a hand waiting on this site...from someone. It is amazing and beautiful when it is at its best.
I am clean as of June 11, 2006, and I am grateful. One day at a time.
Yes, Sarah...I agree with you and I was told very early on that I shouldn't give my opinion (unless I was directly asked) but I can share my ESH with others...
I'm out of time for the day...I secretary the Thursday night meeting so I have to go but I would love to share my story tomorrow, if you'll have me <smile>...
It would be very pleasant to read some others share their ESH....
Have a beautiful evening....One day at a time, that's the key for me....
xoxo
Stacey
I'm out of time for the day...I secretary the Thursday night meeting so I have to go but I would love to share my story tomorrow, if you'll have me <smile>...
It would be very pleasant to read some others share their ESH....
Have a beautiful evening....One day at a time, that's the key for me....
xoxo
Stacey
Thanks for sharing your story Sarah.I've never read it.
My story never ends.
I was out of control with pills 2 years ago. I came here to this board ready to stop my self inflictede madness. It was so much work, it was so hard to stop...but I did....for awhile.
I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending. But my story will never end. I'm using again.
The queen of relapse (sorry Kerry, but that crown is mine) is back at it again.
I know the drill. Please no beating me up. I'm down and can't get up.
Thanks for sharing your story Sarah...I'd love to log on in the morning & read yours Tim....and where o where is Miss Bird? I love her story....
xoxo
xoxo
Tim:
Thank you for letting me share! I know that so many things that are still in my life today were on the way out...mainly, my sanity.
But really, my marriage...I was ruining it. I was ruining my mind, and my ability to love others. Man, those freaking things are so controlling in such subtle ways...and then the anger, was not so subtle.
I detoxed at home, cold turkey. It wasn't pretty, let me tell you...and I realize now how truly lucky I am that I made it through.
If you only knew how tightly so many here held me. And, I told the truth in my life. I told my family, close friends, Drs. everyone who needed to know. Telling the truth made it so much easier for me...There just wasn't any hiding any more.
And, I had it all wrong in my mind. I wanted to take xanax or soma to help with the withdrawals...didn't even think there was anything wrong with reaching for a pill to alleviate symptoms....we get so conditioned.
Thank God for those here with a strong program of recovery...they spoke out and I listened. I was on my knees....I am so grateful for their honesty and experience.
I was so scared and tattered....but as justJane once told me...you just do it one day at a time, then you string those days together, and they make a beautiful week, month, whatever. I witnessed the miracle of my own clarity...which I pray I will never lose.
Stacey:
I definately want to hear your story tomorrow. Waiting! XXXOOO back to you.
Thank you for letting me share! I know that so many things that are still in my life today were on the way out...mainly, my sanity.
But really, my marriage...I was ruining it. I was ruining my mind, and my ability to love others. Man, those freaking things are so controlling in such subtle ways...and then the anger, was not so subtle.
I detoxed at home, cold turkey. It wasn't pretty, let me tell you...and I realize now how truly lucky I am that I made it through.
If you only knew how tightly so many here held me. And, I told the truth in my life. I told my family, close friends, Drs. everyone who needed to know. Telling the truth made it so much easier for me...There just wasn't any hiding any more.
And, I had it all wrong in my mind. I wanted to take xanax or soma to help with the withdrawals...didn't even think there was anything wrong with reaching for a pill to alleviate symptoms....we get so conditioned.
Thank God for those here with a strong program of recovery...they spoke out and I listened. I was on my knees....I am so grateful for their honesty and experience.
I was so scared and tattered....but as justJane once told me...you just do it one day at a time, then you string those days together, and they make a beautiful week, month, whatever. I witnessed the miracle of my own clarity...which I pray I will never lose.
Stacey:
I definately want to hear your story tomorrow. Waiting! XXXOOO back to you.
Dear Redd,
No one's gonna beat ya down honey, the only failure is the failure to try again...my heart goes out to you...
Thanks for sharing Sarah...I would do my story...but dang, I don't want to write a novel...similiar to yours only thrown in quite a few "other" catergories of drugs over the years, mostly recreational...until...until,,,freakn opiates...not wanting to face reality or knowing how without completely losing it, just not knowing how to deal with the usual lifes ups and downs that others seem to know how naturally...(early influences, genetics who knows, who cares)...Quit, relapse, quit, relapse, quit relapse ad naseum until the "thrill was gone" and mucho damage done...tired of doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result...Crying out to God in the shower during withdrawals saying please make it stop I won't do this anymore....I promise...I want my life back...yeah right...God the power of this addiction...Seductive and deadly...
I know it's all in the details...but I don't think I ever wrote it all down, but I will never ever forget it and I hope to God don't have to ever relive it...
Peace,
Jan
No one's gonna beat ya down honey, the only failure is the failure to try again...my heart goes out to you...
Thanks for sharing Sarah...I would do my story...but dang, I don't want to write a novel...similiar to yours only thrown in quite a few "other" catergories of drugs over the years, mostly recreational...until...until,,,freakn opiates...not wanting to face reality or knowing how without completely losing it, just not knowing how to deal with the usual lifes ups and downs that others seem to know how naturally...(early influences, genetics who knows, who cares)...Quit, relapse, quit, relapse, quit relapse ad naseum until the "thrill was gone" and mucho damage done...tired of doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result...Crying out to God in the shower during withdrawals saying please make it stop I won't do this anymore....I promise...I want my life back...yeah right...God the power of this addiction...Seductive and deadly...
I know it's all in the details...but I don't think I ever wrote it all down, but I will never ever forget it and I hope to God don't have to ever relive it...
Peace,
Jan
Amy...
YGM...use my number and I could never, ever judge you...You helped me more than you will ever know...
I love you,
Stacey
YGM...use my number and I could never, ever judge you...You helped me more than you will ever know...
I love you,
Stacey
Amy, is there anything I/we can do to help?
I love you sweetheart!
I love you sweetheart!
Redd, you know none of us will beat you up, we're here if you need us.
Jan:
I love you so much. If we lived close...we would drink coffee together, I know it!
AMY:
Hey my sweet and beautiful friend. I love you too.
There is a happy ending for you Amy, I know it. I am sorry you are using again. I know this hurts you in more than one way....but I am not gonna put you down...I want to lift you up, because I care for you....very much.
Please tell us what is happening with you. How much are you using?
You are in my heart.
Sarah
I love you so much. If we lived close...we would drink coffee together, I know it!
AMY:
Hey my sweet and beautiful friend. I love you too.
There is a happy ending for you Amy, I know it. I am sorry you are using again. I know this hurts you in more than one way....but I am not gonna put you down...I want to lift you up, because I care for you....very much.
Please tell us what is happening with you. How much are you using?
You are in my heart.
Sarah
Welcome Home Redd
Stacey quotes-
...That would rquire too much typing.Besides,it's not unique.LOL
Stacey quotes-
QUOTE |
I'd love to log on in the morning & read yours Tim. |
...That would rquire too much typing.Besides,it's not unique.LOL
Amy:
I know this won't come as a surprise to you....but I KNEW SOMEONE WAS OUT THERE....*big giant hug*
I love you so much....and I heard you calling!
I know this won't come as a surprise to you....but I KNEW SOMEONE WAS OUT THERE....*big giant hug*
I love you so much....and I heard you calling!
Redd:
I have been thinking about you everyday. You are so loved here and I am so glad that you posted. I need you here. You are one of the reasons I keep coming back. I have lost count of how many times I relapsed. It doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that you are here, now. I love you Amy.
~Rachel
I have been thinking about you everyday. You are so loved here and I am so glad that you posted. I need you here. You are one of the reasons I keep coming back. I have lost count of how many times I relapsed. It doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that you are here, now. I love you Amy.
~Rachel
Amy
I sure have missed you posting. Welcome Home. I'd be willing to bet that every single person on this board would be there for you in a heart beat if you need them. I know I would.
Lots of Love and Big Giant Hugs.
Stac
I sure have missed you posting. Welcome Home. I'd be willing to bet that every single person on this board would be there for you in a heart beat if you need them. I know I would.
Lots of Love and Big Giant Hugs.
Stac
Ok, I had a good cry.
Imagine that.
The last month or two has been rough. Hell the last year has been rough. I don't even know what happened. Maybe reality set in. I couldn't handle my reality. Still can't.
One day at a time. This is the first place I said it out loud.
I'm very ashamed of myself. I know better, I'm suppose to do better.
Thank you everyone for being here. I've missed you too. But I've been ashamed to come back.
Imagine that.
The last month or two has been rough. Hell the last year has been rough. I don't even know what happened. Maybe reality set in. I couldn't handle my reality. Still can't.
One day at a time. This is the first place I said it out loud.
I'm very ashamed of myself. I know better, I'm suppose to do better.
Thank you everyone for being here. I've missed you too. But I've been ashamed to come back.
Redd,
Don't you dare be ashamed to come back here...that is NOT ALLOWED :) Your reality for the past year? My God...you know something Redd/Amy? I have a hard time even allowing my mind to go there and think how I would feel...
What I would have done to ease the pain? I would like to think that now that I "know better I would do better" but am I really positive I wouldn't touch the pills if I was dealing with something this devastating...Nope...there but for the grace of God....You are fine, you are where you are supposed to be right now, here with those that love you and support you...Don't beat yourself up anymore or...or...I am coming to get you girl...lol....
Love to you and hugs,
Jan
Don't you dare be ashamed to come back here...that is NOT ALLOWED :) Your reality for the past year? My God...you know something Redd/Amy? I have a hard time even allowing my mind to go there and think how I would feel...
What I would have done to ease the pain? I would like to think that now that I "know better I would do better" but am I really positive I wouldn't touch the pills if I was dealing with something this devastating...Nope...there but for the grace of God....You are fine, you are where you are supposed to be right now, here with those that love you and support you...Don't beat yourself up anymore or...or...I am coming to get you girl...lol....
Love to you and hugs,
Jan
Amy:
Please don't be ashamed. I don't know that tomorrow I won't be posting the same thing you just did. None of us have a guarantee of tomorrow...just today.
Today, you reached out. You told on yourself. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT IS.
Those are not the actions of a shameful person.....those are the actions of a wise woman...a woman who cares about herself and her family...a woman who is striving to do better.
Like they say, progress, not perfection. You are going to be okay Amy, we won't let you do this by yourself, we all love you too much.
Thank you for posting and letting us share with you. We need you Amy...so much.
Sarah
Please don't be ashamed. I don't know that tomorrow I won't be posting the same thing you just did. None of us have a guarantee of tomorrow...just today.
Today, you reached out. You told on yourself. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT IS.
Those are not the actions of a shameful person.....those are the actions of a wise woman...a woman who cares about herself and her family...a woman who is striving to do better.
Like they say, progress, not perfection. You are going to be okay Amy, we won't let you do this by yourself, we all love you too much.
Thank you for posting and letting us share with you. We need you Amy...so much.
Sarah
Welcome home Redd...no shame...no judgement...absolutely not..only loving arms stretched out to hold you up....you know the drill...and we are here for you!
Uhhh...one thing though....I do not believe you hold that title...."relapse queen"....thats one title that has been passed around a few times....it doesn't discriminate...pass the crown....better yet..put it up on the shelf....what can we do to help?
Uhhh...one thing though....I do not believe you hold that title...."relapse queen"....thats one title that has been passed around a few times....it doesn't discriminate...pass the crown....better yet..put it up on the shelf....what can we do to help?
Welcome back Ms Amy.
First step...remember? Admitting that WE are powerless.
There is no I in that statement. We're here. My numbers haven't changed (hint hint) and now I get why you haven't answered the phone. Would love to chat about life when you get a minute.
I do love you...
Lisa
First step...remember? Admitting that WE are powerless.
There is no I in that statement. We're here. My numbers haven't changed (hint hint) and now I get why you haven't answered the phone. Would love to chat about life when you get a minute.
I do love you...
Lisa