I'm new to all this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year next month. He is 2 years sober also next month. He got addicted to pain pills after a back surgery losing his professional license in the process. He is getting his license back and just has a few more months to go. Last week his attitude and texting started changing. Normally very attentive, he's now distant and testy. He's dealing with quite a lot between work, jumping through hoops getting his license back and family drama. His sponsor is 1.5 hours away so I think he needs to find another one. Although he says he uses me as a sponsor. I find that odd because I know nothing of the process or disease except what I've researched. In person, he's cordial but distant now. Normally he's very loving. He says he feels like his life is unraveling and he's afraid of a relapse. He says he feels like everything is crumbling around him which terrifies me. I've tried being supportive but what's the fine line between "it's gonna b okay" to "go to a meeting"? I've tried getting him to go to more meetings and even offered to go with him but he hasn't been. Nor has he contacted his sponsor. He says he's mad because he let his safety nets lapse. I approached him about the changes Saturday asking what I'd done wrong. He said it wasn't me, he then got agitated saying he felt "uncomfortable" and needed the next day to regroup. He left me bawling on the couch saying "I love you and I hate seeing you like this". I've not heard from him since. Is this normal? The taking off for days with no contact? I'm afraid to contact his mom who's seen him in addiction whereas I haven't because I don't want to cause a panic. I'm trying to give him space but when is enough enough? When should worry lead to action? Am I freaking out when I shouldn't? I don't know the warning signs of a relapse other than the research I've done and it's hard to see them when we live 40 mins apart. I've tried going to nar-anon meetings but where I live is so small the meetings aren't quite... Encouraging. The only attendees were 3 older women who told me to run first thing before hearing the story because their stories were bad. I don't know what else to do other than research and wait but in the process he's breaking my heart. Why is it so easy to walk away from me for days on end when we're normally in constant contact? I knew going in that it would always be his sobriety first, but I had no idea it would be so draining. The worry is killing me.
disappearing for days at a time is not a good sign. Recovery is being accountable. Run!
Hi Cindy,
I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you're on a short road to experiencing what it's like to be with a recovering addict when he relapses...and the turmoil, frustration, confusion, worry and heartache that follow. It may seem that those women at the meetings were discouraging but quite honestly, that's the best advice that anyone who has been in your shoes can give you: run while you still can. From what you wrote, it seems that you're more concerned about his recovery than he is. Saying that he's mad because he let his safety nets lapse but not doing anything about it is a giant neon warning sign. Recovery is an active process, and the addict has to remain vigilant at all times. Not calling his sponsor and saying that you are his sponsor is absolute BS. You are in no way prepared to fill that role, nor is it your responsibility to do so. Do not allow him to use you or your relationship as a way out of working to stay clean. It is work, and hard work at that, but the alternatives are much worse.
If I were you, I would at the VERY LEAST take a step back in the relationship and really think about if this is the kind of life you want for yourself. You will never be able to completely shut out that worry in the back of your mind, there will always be a little part of you waiting for the next relapse. And I must tell you, as the ex-girlfriend of a cocaine addict, that if you don't want to see the person you love turn into a monster before your very eyes when he is overcome by the addiction, annihilating the love, trust and respect you have for him, then leave now. Once you see it, once you experience it, things will never be the same.
I'm sorry to be blunt but I wish I had spoken to people with the same experiences long before I actually did. You are responsible for yourself, your happiness and your well-being...please remember to keep that in the forefront of your mind. Borrowing from Shell2639, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!" Best of luck...
Sadie
I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you're on a short road to experiencing what it's like to be with a recovering addict when he relapses...and the turmoil, frustration, confusion, worry and heartache that follow. It may seem that those women at the meetings were discouraging but quite honestly, that's the best advice that anyone who has been in your shoes can give you: run while you still can. From what you wrote, it seems that you're more concerned about his recovery than he is. Saying that he's mad because he let his safety nets lapse but not doing anything about it is a giant neon warning sign. Recovery is an active process, and the addict has to remain vigilant at all times. Not calling his sponsor and saying that you are his sponsor is absolute BS. You are in no way prepared to fill that role, nor is it your responsibility to do so. Do not allow him to use you or your relationship as a way out of working to stay clean. It is work, and hard work at that, but the alternatives are much worse.
If I were you, I would at the VERY LEAST take a step back in the relationship and really think about if this is the kind of life you want for yourself. You will never be able to completely shut out that worry in the back of your mind, there will always be a little part of you waiting for the next relapse. And I must tell you, as the ex-girlfriend of a cocaine addict, that if you don't want to see the person you love turn into a monster before your very eyes when he is overcome by the addiction, annihilating the love, trust and respect you have for him, then leave now. Once you see it, once you experience it, things will never be the same.
I'm sorry to be blunt but I wish I had spoken to people with the same experiences long before I actually did. You are responsible for yourself, your happiness and your well-being...please remember to keep that in the forefront of your mind. Borrowing from Shell2639, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!" Best of luck...
Sadie
Thank you both for your input. I do appreciate it however, it seems a moot point now as he broke things off with me.
Oh darling, I'm sorry for your pain but it may end up being for the best. I think it's often harder for us as the partners of addicts to take the step to break off the relationship even though it would be in our own best interest. Please keep your guard up, though, as he may be back. Addiction is a roller coaster and addicts can yo-yo back and forth, completely messing with your rationality. Take some time to dedicate to yourself so that you have the strength and clarity of mind to deal with whatever gets thrown at you. And take care of yourself...best of luck.
Sadie
Sadie
