Oh how I hate feeling like this!!!! I'm really sad and depressed right now and keep crying .... seems like a pin drop gets my tears flowing right now.
I'm exhausted ... drove back from Georgia, got in late last night .... had spent part of the week and weekend helping my mother in law pack and move from Griffin, GA up to Marietta / northern? Atlanta area.
She is happy about the new house but it was SOOOOO hard to pack up my brother in laws things and move them to the house that HE had picked out before he died. (My BIL and MIL lived together so he would have been moving into the new house too)
We are all having such a tough time accepting the fact that he really is gone!!!! My (ex)hubby usually can't even talk about him without crying ... he hates to cry, so mostly does not talk about him much ... especially anything to do with his death.
The medical examiner finally gave us the autopsy results .... the day we arrived in GA!! Officially confirmed that it was "Cocaine poisoning / accidental drug overdose". We were 99% sure that is what happened, but to see it in writing was much harder than I thought it would be!!! His death certificate has that all over it ..... just hurts SO bad to see that!!!
The little 1% flicker of hope that he may have died from something else is gone too ... but at least there is closure now and no more wondering ....
I just needed to get some of this out .... my head is spinning ..... just sad and depressed ..... wishing I could quit crying so much .....
December 5 was the day .... exactly 3 months ago .....
WHY does it feel so much worse?!?! Shouldn't it be getting better now and not harder?!?!
Swizzle
I know the feeling. All I can say is such feelings pass. Remember feelings are not facts. I felt like cutting myself, but I haven't done this in years. It's simply another sick addiction. I guess I want to relieve the burdensome feelings. I guess when one gets clean there are alot of unresolved feelings. Just keep this in mind and be good to yourself.
Deirdre
I know the feeling. All I can say is such feelings pass. Remember feelings are not facts. I felt like cutting myself, but I haven't done this in years. It's simply another sick addiction. I guess I want to relieve the burdensome feelings. I guess when one gets clean there are alot of unresolved feelings. Just keep this in mind and be good to yourself.
Deirdre
Swizzle,im so sorry about your brother in law.How sad.
Ive been very fortuante in my life,not too many deaths,just my grandfather(30 years ago when i was 16...and that was bad!)But i would imagine,that at first you experience shock,and that can last quite a long time.So...now youve had some of the shock wear off,actual reports stating Cause of death,i think thats exactly why its hitting you so hard right now.
Just know there was nothing you could do.It is so sad,and seems so senseless.AND SCARY!!!! It could happen to anyone. The amounts of drugs on the street these days is unbelievable and kids are getting addicted so young and so quickly.It l;iterally ruins lives.
I hope each day finds you feeling a little better.Take care of yourselfBe there fro your family as much as you can.Seek support through each other.My thoughts are with you.Things will start looking a little bit better each day,you will never forget,but it will get easier to handle.Take care~KIM
Ive been very fortuante in my life,not too many deaths,just my grandfather(30 years ago when i was 16...and that was bad!)But i would imagine,that at first you experience shock,and that can last quite a long time.So...now youve had some of the shock wear off,actual reports stating Cause of death,i think thats exactly why its hitting you so hard right now.
Just know there was nothing you could do.It is so sad,and seems so senseless.AND SCARY!!!! It could happen to anyone. The amounts of drugs on the street these days is unbelievable and kids are getting addicted so young and so quickly.It l;iterally ruins lives.
I hope each day finds you feeling a little better.Take care of yourselfBe there fro your family as much as you can.Seek support through each other.My thoughts are with you.Things will start looking a little bit better each day,you will never forget,but it will get easier to handle.Take care~KIM
Swizzle...
Pray sweetie and I am so sorry for your loss...and all the different emotions and feelings you must be going through could become overwhelming...
I see you're tired so please remember H.A.L.T. No matter what, you have to take care of yourself physically. Go to a meeting and share, open up and cry and let people help you through this...they cannot help though unless you share what's going on. Keep posting and let us help you too...I'm sure somebody will be along that's had to go through something similar.
And in the mean time, know you are loved and God will get you through this too if you ask for his help....
(((big hugs)))
Stacey
Pray sweetie and I am so sorry for your loss...and all the different emotions and feelings you must be going through could become overwhelming...
I see you're tired so please remember H.A.L.T. No matter what, you have to take care of yourself physically. Go to a meeting and share, open up and cry and let people help you through this...they cannot help though unless you share what's going on. Keep posting and let us help you too...I'm sure somebody will be along that's had to go through something similar.
And in the mean time, know you are loved and God will get you through this too if you ask for his help....
(((big hugs)))
Stacey
I am just so overwhelmed with the feelings of sadness. The smallest little thing will start the tears .... just hearing a song that he liked, any kind of thought about him just gets me thinking about how he is gone forever. Being in the house where he died was horrible!!!! I totally understand how my MIL wanted to get moved out of there as fast as possible!!! I was hysterical crying when I walked into his bedroom. Hubby could not even go in there and I am glad he did not .... just so hard to deal with!!! Such a senseless was to die!!! Drugs are bad!!!!! Gee, we all know that, yet would risk our lives while in active addiction .... so sick .... I also think about how it could have been me dead from an overdose!!! Then how would my family, especially my kids deal with it?!?!
I am SOOOOOO thankful that I am clean!!!! Don't want to ever go back to the madness of using again!!!
I guess this is just part of the grieving process ... gets worse before it gets better .....
Looking forward to the "Acceptance" phase .....
Thank you so much!!!
I do need to talk about it and just get my feelings out ..... I'll be sharing at a meeting tonight for sure .... cause I can't talk to hubby about it .... tried to, but he is still hurting so much cause they were SOOO close .... he's having a hard time, but hopefully will start to get better soon ...
I am grateful to be able to come here ..... I really need the support!!
Hey Swizzle:
I am so sorry to hear about your BIL. I didn't know anything about you losing someone so close to you. It is really hard, I know.
I lost my Dad in April of 06...after a lengthy illness, but still, he was my hero and his death was so hard to accept. I felt like my moorings had been lost forever. I was really floating around after that...then, I lost one of my best friends on November 22nd. I sat with him for the last 19 days of his life, his illness was unexpected, sudden and his death was swift. He is someone that I talked to daily in the last 3 years...weekly for the last 15, and sporadically the ten years prior to that. We were very close, very honest with one another...I miss him so much sometimes my stomach hurts.
I am reading a book about the grieving process right now. It seems the process goes on for a long time. There are times when you can go days without thinking of the person, and then all of a sudden, who knows why, it washes over you in huge waves...and at those times it feels just like it did at its worst. I don't think the pain goes away so much as the time between intervals of the pain get extended over time.
Just let it flow...cry, be sad, miss your BIL, continue to love him, and continue to pray for him. Those prayers are not lost.
Loss has a way of snapping us back to the here and now, it has a way of reminding us of how precious each and every minute of this existance is...and
I am so glad you are clean too. I know, the guilt of being high when my father died...being there with him, and having already had my morning dose...God, I just cannot tell you how hard that was for me to bear...but it served me to get clean, and my time with my friend, before he passed (which ended up being really important time) I was clean...and he knew it, he had helped me through the summer.
My father was many, many things to many people, but he was also the reason I got clean. I know he knows that!
I will talk with you anytime you want about this swizzle. I understand. It is overwhelming at first...give yourself some space, be gentle with yourself...and forgive your brother in law. He didn't mean to hurt anyone...he just had a disease and hadn't found the right treatment yet.
God Bless You Swizzle.
Much love and peace.
Sarah
I am so sorry to hear about your BIL. I didn't know anything about you losing someone so close to you. It is really hard, I know.
I lost my Dad in April of 06...after a lengthy illness, but still, he was my hero and his death was so hard to accept. I felt like my moorings had been lost forever. I was really floating around after that...then, I lost one of my best friends on November 22nd. I sat with him for the last 19 days of his life, his illness was unexpected, sudden and his death was swift. He is someone that I talked to daily in the last 3 years...weekly for the last 15, and sporadically the ten years prior to that. We were very close, very honest with one another...I miss him so much sometimes my stomach hurts.
I am reading a book about the grieving process right now. It seems the process goes on for a long time. There are times when you can go days without thinking of the person, and then all of a sudden, who knows why, it washes over you in huge waves...and at those times it feels just like it did at its worst. I don't think the pain goes away so much as the time between intervals of the pain get extended over time.
Just let it flow...cry, be sad, miss your BIL, continue to love him, and continue to pray for him. Those prayers are not lost.
Loss has a way of snapping us back to the here and now, it has a way of reminding us of how precious each and every minute of this existance is...and
I am so glad you are clean too. I know, the guilt of being high when my father died...being there with him, and having already had my morning dose...God, I just cannot tell you how hard that was for me to bear...but it served me to get clean, and my time with my friend, before he passed (which ended up being really important time) I was clean...and he knew it, he had helped me through the summer.
My father was many, many things to many people, but he was also the reason I got clean. I know he knows that!
I will talk with you anytime you want about this swizzle. I understand. It is overwhelming at first...give yourself some space, be gentle with yourself...and forgive your brother in law. He didn't mean to hurt anyone...he just had a disease and hadn't found the right treatment yet.
God Bless You Swizzle.
Much love and peace.
Sarah
Swizzle, I'm so sad to hear about this. I am putting you and your family in my prayers. When I read what the coroner's report said, all I could think, was that could have been me at any time in my active addiction. I would use massive quantities of Coke and I thought it was great when I would use and then had a hard time hearing, had to turn the radio on really low, noise drove me nuts, I found out later that I was on the cusp of an overdose every time I did this. But for the Grace of God, there go I.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs honey!}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs honey!}}}}}}}}}}}}
Thank you all for your comments and prayers!!! I really appreciate it so much!!
Yep Janet, I had the same exact thoughts myself seeing "Drug overdose" on his death certificate. It also stated Cocaine poisoning, etc ... I have never used coke, but was still struck very hard that I could easily be dead from an overdose myself cause I had taken enough opiates to kill several people almost daily for quite a while ..... pretty mind boggling how I never did overdose ..... just another of the "YET" ' s that were in my future if I were to continue using ..... oh yes, I am so grateful to be clean .....
more than 18 months now ..... one day at a time .....
" It seems the process goes on for a long time. There are times when you can go days without thinking of the person, and then all of a sudden, who knows why, it washes over you in huge waves...and at those times it feels just like it did at its worst. I don't think the pain goes away so much as the time between intervals of the pain get extended over time"
Sarah, I agree with what you said.
Swizzle,
I lost my Sister in Nov. 2005. It's still so hard and like Sarah said sometimes it just washes over me in waves. Just realizing that she is gone and I will never look into those beautiful blue eyes or see that wonderful smile again brings me to my knees still.
I am so sorry for your loss. He must have been a wonderful person. Please try not to focus only on how he died or those last days of his life. Try to remember all the good times you had with him. In time you will come to celebrate his life instead of just remembering how he died and the funeral. Prayer helps so much.
God bless you,
Sharon
Sarah, I agree with what you said.
Swizzle,
I lost my Sister in Nov. 2005. It's still so hard and like Sarah said sometimes it just washes over me in waves. Just realizing that she is gone and I will never look into those beautiful blue eyes or see that wonderful smile again brings me to my knees still.
I am so sorry for your loss. He must have been a wonderful person. Please try not to focus only on how he died or those last days of his life. Try to remember all the good times you had with him. In time you will come to celebrate his life instead of just remembering how he died and the funeral. Prayer helps so much.
God bless you,
Sharon
Swizzle,
I'm so sorry for your loss, and in that particular way, too.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Gina
I'm so sorry for your loss, and in that particular way, too.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Gina
Swizzle...I have nothing to add except that I'm sorry. Be kind to yourself honey. Lisa
Swizzle sorry your in pain. But it will pass. You coming here and sharing your pain is a start of some recovery.
Says as lot about you that our able to come here and share that with the board.
Hang in there swizzle. You r a pretty darn strong person.
Jeff
Says as lot about you that our able to come here and share that with the board.
Hang in there swizzle. You r a pretty darn strong person.
Jeff
I love you all so much!!!
What more can I say??
The support here is the best!!
Swizzle.
My god. I am so so sorry, I wish there were better words to express it, but I truly am.
You have experienced such a huge loss.
Please stay strong, You are a beautiful person, that has helped so many, including myself. That I will never forget.
Much love.
My god. I am so so sorry, I wish there were better words to express it, but I truly am.
You have experienced such a huge loss.
Please stay strong, You are a beautiful person, that has helped so many, including myself. That I will never forget.
Much love.