Advice For An Enabler?

Yesterday was the first time on message board. I am a stepmother of four years to a 21 yr. old male (as of yesterday) w/a long history of marijuana use, non compliance with authority, 9th grade drop out and most recently Lorcet and an arrest with one crack rock. They entire family as I understand has battled w/him since he was young. Counselors prescribed Ritalin or Aderol, he would hide it in his cheek and spit it out. The other counselors could do nothing with him - he is very manipulative.

Since I have been w/his father I have seen extremely irrational behavior. He once threw an iron chair through our glass top table (obviously on something and he WAS kicked out of the house). That example was just one of many.
This boy RUNS this family. Well now he has started to steal ( 2 of his mothers checks were forged and $200.00 cash was stolen, she did not turn him in), his grandfathers change pouch with approx. $30-40.00 and for the 3rd time now he has been beaten up and his money stolen. Recently spent 7 days in jail for crack and when his dad finally went to see him he got him out because his son told he he had been jumped by two guys and "beaten" w/cuts to wrist and ankles. I called & talked to the Lieutenant - his head was cut from banging it on the cell wall and the cuts were from the restraints. To late he was already out and now 2 weeks later same old story. He is asleep right now (10:00 a.m.) in a hotel room his grandfather is paying for because he does not have a job, buying his groceries or when he calls food in they will pick it up.

We have quit giving money, but I feel the family supports him by doing what I have described above. He will find money to buy his habit and will pay the people he "owes" before he pays his own family. They do not "want him to go hungry" and they don't want to "worry about him". But I have tried to explain that his other life begins long after they are sleeping. HELP with any advice I can give to them. I'm starting counseling Friday .... they haven chosen not to go for now.

i have only 2 suggestions for you from what you've written based on my experience:

1. don't let him back in the home to live -- absent other overriding and compelling medical or mental health conditions, it serves no purpose, it only enables him, and you and the rest of the family will only get less healthy rather than more healthy (the end result may be the breakdown of your marriage), and

2. before you start with a counsellor, make sure the counsellor is very familiar with addictions and addictive behaviors. you can waste a lot of time and money with others.

two observations:

(1) the family is in denial. until their denial is broken, they will continue with their behaviors towards him which only serve to extend his active addiction (i've been there and can speak from personal experience), and

(2) all the behaviors that you describe are classic for addicts and alcoholics. somehow he will not go hungry and he is not safe, he's in full blown addiction with all the risks that go with it.

in all likelihood, until the family or at least one member of the family reaches their "rock bottom," little is likely to change -- sounds like you may be close to yours if you are not there already.