I have been lurking around this forum for a while and have been very impressed and heartened by the suggestions I've read and how its users support each other. I hardly know where to start but since I've read so many of your stories here, as I am sure that these issues will all sound too familiar to you.
I am the second of three children. My younger sister has always had problems, ever since we were in our early teens. This started out with her lying to our parents, hanging out with the "wrong" crowd, being involved with a cult and skipping school. She was an early potsmoker, then evidently discovered heroin through her first partner, and lost her job and home. After several years, she broke up with that partner and seemed to be on a more normal path. She was happily married and a homeowner, but then she lost it all again - partner, job, home - to drugs.
I've lived away from my home state since I was in college, but I've always been included in discussions about these issues, although at times I wish I had not been.
Most recently, my younger sister had been living with my parents (since losing her home), despite my older sisters' and my thoughts against it. My mother's reaction was "Where else does she have to go?" I tried to tell her, it's no longer her responsibility, but to no avail. My parents - or more specifically, my father's - enabling her has been a big problem. He feels that he neglected her as a child and now has to make up for that. He's given her room, board, telephone, car, even a credit card (!), etc. in order to assuage his own guilt. She has had several relapses in the time that she has been living in my parents' home, despite their having a rule against drug use in their home. Some of these incidents have involved her stealing valuables from me and other family members. Recently, after she was discovered to have stolen several thousand dollars from my parents via the credit card and using forged checks (not the first time she has stolen checks), and using drugs in their home, my father called the police, had her arrested and indicated that she could not return.
A deciding factor in his doing this was the new Section 35 law in Massachusetts, by which a court can steer addicts to rehab rather than incarcerating them. However, the court decided not to commit her - perhaps due to the previous incidents not being reported, so she had a criminal record, but not so extensive - so she was released on her own recognizance, and chose not to go into rehab.
I believe this was (finally) a step in the right direction, but I wish I could know how to keep my parents/father on this path and not falter himself! I've suggested seeing a therapist or going to Al-Anon, but I know that my parents are not the type of people to talk to anyone else about their problems (not even their friends). It's been difficult for me to proselytize or recommend any course of action as I am a marijuana user.
I'm most worried about my parents' health, well-being and sanity. We are all getting a bit old for this - I am 50 and my parents are 83 and 76. Right now I am getting ready to visit my family for Thanksgiving 2016 and would like to know if the forum has any suggestions on how I can best support my family/my parents.
P.S. I recently discussed this with a close friend who was trained as a social worker. He advised me that there's nothing I can really do to "help" my parents/family, that we are all in this together and all affected. He said it might be useful to simply ask my family if each of us could/would state how this issue has affected them in the past years.
Find several naranon and alanon meetings in their area that they would be able to go to. You could check the meetings out first, go with your sibling, and offer to go with your mom and/dad. It would help them to be able to talk to someone. I understand not wanting to talk to friends. We become isolated when we dont want to be around anyone else, for fear we will "let out' our secrets..... It will be good for your parents to see that others go thru the same thing, and they can learn what to do from others.
suggest your sister go to NA or AA meetings. Theres nothing wrong with the whole family jumping in and going to meetings. it may bring a common understanding to everyone.
suggest your sister go to NA or AA meetings. Theres nothing wrong with the whole family jumping in and going to meetings. it may bring a common understanding to everyone.
What a shame your parents are putting up with this at their age. So sad! If it was my parents house I wouldn't let her over the doorstep! If she did get over I would throw her out! She needs to stay gone. I can't imagine having to put up with this at their age. .. I've heard people say that "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives". How true! It would be nice to take them to these Al-anon meeting or Narc-anon meetings too but at their age they want to just stay at home and relax and watch tv. There not teenagers anymore! It's terrible at this time in their lives they have no peace in their own home. Wonder if she can be reported for elder abuse to get a restraining order to keep her away from them? Good luck, I hope there's something out there that will help your parents. Mary
Your right Mary... but it made me think... would this be me at 83? Still dealing with the addict? Oh I sure hope not. It's been way too long as it is!
I'm hoping for better times as I get older. And for all of us!!
Lisa
I'm hoping for better times as I get older. And for all of us!!
Lisa
Gosh Lisa, I hope not!! Tell you what though.. I would move to another state and tell no one.or check myself into an old folks home. Yes, that definitely would be a nightmare! I hope these poor folks get some peace of mind soon. ((Hugs)) Mary.
I'm sorry you are in the middle of this situation..I'm not sure if you said you lived in home or not? My advice would be to visit when she's not there. I may get a lot of backlash for this...but I believe at their age they are stuck in their ways and they aren't going to change how they deal with your sister. I'm sure it's sickening for you to watch your parents under so much stress..but maybe for them at this point alleviates the worry and stress of where she would be. It's unfair..and maybe I'm wrong as far as them changing their ways (or possibility/chance) your father calling the cops is a good sign of change obviously..not sure how long ago that was though. Yes surround yourself with people who are in similar situations...take care of yourself..I know it's not going to stop the worry for everyone involved..but hopefully ease some of the stress off of you..
I agree with Marykat. You can't make your parents be any different any more than you can make your sister be different. Focus on you and your boundaries. You can refuse to go over there if she's there. Just explain your position to your parents. Maybe if they see you standing firm, some of it will rub off.
Good luck,
Michelle
Good luck,
Michelle
Lisa and Marykat--
Took me till I was 69 to change. The main thing that ended it finally was when our 45 y/o son came to the house and called us the most vicious names ever and he had never in over 20 yrs. done that. He then said on FB he wished I would die while he watched. After that I joined this forum and one person asked me if I wanted to be doing this enabling and having this same stress till my dying breath???
That for some reason really hit me and from that moment on I detached and became stronger because I no longer wanted to live this way! I will never go back no matter what the outcome. My son is MIA for 5 months now. He will have to determine his future because I have determined mine!!!
Took me till I was 69 to change. The main thing that ended it finally was when our 45 y/o son came to the house and called us the most vicious names ever and he had never in over 20 yrs. done that. He then said on FB he wished I would die while he watched. After that I joined this forum and one person asked me if I wanted to be doing this enabling and having this same stress till my dying breath???
That for some reason really hit me and from that moment on I detached and became stronger because I no longer wanted to live this way! I will never go back no matter what the outcome. My son is MIA for 5 months now. He will have to determine his future because I have determined mine!!!
I re-read your post. I guess if no one wants to go to meetings, there's nothing you can do.
I agree with the rest. avoid your sister. if you have to attend the holiday, keep it short and simple.
I agree with the rest. avoid your sister. if you have to attend the holiday, keep it short and simple.
This might be a last resort and the only way to protect your parents if your sister moves back into their home. I believe that living with and stealing from the elderly is considered Elder Abuse but it may be that the person must be their caretaker for this to apply. You could file a report (anonymously) and someone would investigate. They might step in to protect your parents or at least tell them that this is not a good living arrangement. Perhaps hearing it from someone else might open their eyes. I am not sure how that would help but someone might have to force your sister to stay away. Once a report is filed the outcome is out of your hands which might not be a good thing for your parents.
I told my son we are getting too old and can no longer help him. He needs to learn to help himself. He said "Why? You aren't dead yet.". I guess that means he wants to continue sucking all the life out of me before I go. That is a very sad thing. I don't think they ever choose to back off as long as they have a meal ticket and a place to stay.
My family just kept on telling me the blunt truth. They gave me information to read. They made their own decision to not be part of the madness anymore, which in a way forced me to re-evaluate the situation. I was afraid I would be sacrificing the good in my life for the bad if I continued to enable. That wasn't a good trade for me.
This is just a thought ... You may need to detach and give them a big shove in the right direction. You should be with your parents at Thanksgiving because they need to see you but maybe stay in a motel or go out to dinner instead of eating at their house if your sister is living there. (I assume you live in another town.) Explain that you have decided you want no part of your sister's addiction. They may then realize this affects everyone. They may not be seeing the big picture. Talk and talk about their happiness and what they deserve late in life. Be blunt and honest. Ask what you can do to help them. It may be hard for them to be strong without help.
I think Medicare pays something toward counseling or mental health visits. Heaven knows they can probably use a therapist to help them sort things out. Depression is a big problem with older adults and this probably isn't helping them any. They may benefit more from private counseling than a group session if they are private people and it would be completely confidential.
I told my son we are getting too old and can no longer help him. He needs to learn to help himself. He said "Why? You aren't dead yet.". I guess that means he wants to continue sucking all the life out of me before I go. That is a very sad thing. I don't think they ever choose to back off as long as they have a meal ticket and a place to stay.
My family just kept on telling me the blunt truth. They gave me information to read. They made their own decision to not be part of the madness anymore, which in a way forced me to re-evaluate the situation. I was afraid I would be sacrificing the good in my life for the bad if I continued to enable. That wasn't a good trade for me.
This is just a thought ... You may need to detach and give them a big shove in the right direction. You should be with your parents at Thanksgiving because they need to see you but maybe stay in a motel or go out to dinner instead of eating at their house if your sister is living there. (I assume you live in another town.) Explain that you have decided you want no part of your sister's addiction. They may then realize this affects everyone. They may not be seeing the big picture. Talk and talk about their happiness and what they deserve late in life. Be blunt and honest. Ask what you can do to help them. It may be hard for them to be strong without help.
I think Medicare pays something toward counseling or mental health visits. Heaven knows they can probably use a therapist to help them sort things out. Depression is a big problem with older adults and this probably isn't helping them any. They may benefit more from private counseling than a group session if they are private people and it would be completely confidential.
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Just to clarify, I've lived away from the rest of my family since graduating from college and currently live outside the US. I do think it's worthwhile and I will try to attend a NarcAnon meeting with my older sister (the sane sister) while visiting. I am not sure whether my younger sister (trouble) will be invited for Thanksgiving or not. I will be staying with the older sister during my visit.
Regarding the topic of elder abuse, I think it's a valid point. However my parents are still in good health and very resistant to the idea that they are getting old.
Regarding the topic of elder abuse, I think it's a valid point. However my parents are still in good health and very resistant to the idea that they are getting old.
sounds like a good plan. esp if you and older sister can be on the same page about it.
