28 yo daughter recovered percocet addict - sober year and half, still paying off drug debts for her amounting to over 50,000 dollars -keeps getting threats by the dealers for their money, negative drug test results except pot, lives with us and has two year old daughter, also appears addicted to red bull and her cell phone as she is never off of it and always in hand, smokes, does not accept any rules we try to instill, cannot even sit and fold her laundry - remains all in baskets , smoker, just beside ourselves what to do with her - she does work full time for which we are grateful, has no structure in her life or her daughters, has no interests except recently going out on weekends and staying out all night - takes zoloft and sees therapist and psychiatrist, was on suboxone - not sure she is still taking that or not - any advice would be helpful
Just a couple of questions....if she is working full time, why is she living with you? Who is paying off the drug debt, you or her? Who watches the 2 year old when she is at work, you or a day care? How is it that she came to live with you, because she was on drugs and you were worried about the grandchild, or because she is saving money to restart her life? What does her therapist say about her current dependent situation?
Too often we parents throw out the safety net when our adult children are in crisis out of a fear for their survival, and they settle right in and get taken care of without any responsibility of their own. Over time, they view us as live-in babysitters, maid-service, and bank because we allow them to.
We feel sorry for them, we attempt to fix their lives, prop them up, and generally don't think they can make it on their own. So we take them in, do things for them that they should be doing for themselves, keeping them immature and dependent....and then realize we are being taken advantage of and feel resentment.
Perhaps a starting point would be a family meeting with her therapist, to express your concerns about her dependence on you, and to set some therapy goals for her to work towards. If she is unwilling to do this, then get your own therapist to help you sort out the situation you find yourself in with her.
It surely is not easy supporting an addict. Worry and resentment are always there. Keep posting, as there are many here who struggle with the same issues.
Too often we parents throw out the safety net when our adult children are in crisis out of a fear for their survival, and they settle right in and get taken care of without any responsibility of their own. Over time, they view us as live-in babysitters, maid-service, and bank because we allow them to.
We feel sorry for them, we attempt to fix their lives, prop them up, and generally don't think they can make it on their own. So we take them in, do things for them that they should be doing for themselves, keeping them immature and dependent....and then realize we are being taken advantage of and feel resentment.
Perhaps a starting point would be a family meeting with her therapist, to express your concerns about her dependence on you, and to set some therapy goals for her to work towards. If she is unwilling to do this, then get your own therapist to help you sort out the situation you find yourself in with her.
It surely is not easy supporting an addict. Worry and resentment are always there. Keep posting, as there are many here who struggle with the same issues.
we need to be reminded that these "children" are adults it is difficult but we still treat them as if they are 10 year olds.. rthanks Roberta a reminder for me
Hi Hockey, I feel for you. I think Roberta gave pretty good advice.
I was an addict and my parents threw me out on my a** the minute I turned 18 and didn't have a job. I wound up living my life in addiction and raising my kids in an addiction. I finally got clean 7 years ago when I was 38. My oldest was then revving herself up to follow in my footsteps, and is now 23 and in a full blown addiction, with 2 kids she can't take care of.
I have been tempted to take the kids, but I haven't. Now her kids are with their dad who has a lot of problems too, and she is homeless sleeping in cars, motels. I turned her away a few nights ago, again. And it's cold out.
It's really the only way I know to handle it. On the one hand, I feel a little like a monster. On the other hand, a few nights at my house aren't gonna help, she needs a lot more help than that. Only she can get it for herself now. I have done everything I can for her. She needs to find her way like I did. It's a shame for her kids...but this is how I'm choosing to handle it for a variety of reasons.
Your daughter is clean, or, cleanER, I guess...and working. There's something to work with there.
But don't do everything for her, if you keep her too comfortable she won't grow up.
Also, she might stay like she is, so don't wait around till she has it "together" to live your lives. You can't fix her. If she's driving you nuts, start making some noise about her moving on.
It WILL be uncomfortable.
I was an addict and my parents threw me out on my a** the minute I turned 18 and didn't have a job. I wound up living my life in addiction and raising my kids in an addiction. I finally got clean 7 years ago when I was 38. My oldest was then revving herself up to follow in my footsteps, and is now 23 and in a full blown addiction, with 2 kids she can't take care of.
I have been tempted to take the kids, but I haven't. Now her kids are with their dad who has a lot of problems too, and she is homeless sleeping in cars, motels. I turned her away a few nights ago, again. And it's cold out.
It's really the only way I know to handle it. On the one hand, I feel a little like a monster. On the other hand, a few nights at my house aren't gonna help, she needs a lot more help than that. Only she can get it for herself now. I have done everything I can for her. She needs to find her way like I did. It's a shame for her kids...but this is how I'm choosing to handle it for a variety of reasons.
Your daughter is clean, or, cleanER, I guess...and working. There's something to work with there.
But don't do everything for her, if you keep her too comfortable she won't grow up.
Also, she might stay like she is, so don't wait around till she has it "together" to live your lives. You can't fix her. If she's driving you nuts, start making some noise about her moving on.
It WILL be uncomfortable.
to answer some questions asked of me - daughter moved in with us with numerous financial issues, asking to live with us while she gets her life in order, about two months later, my mother passed away and it was revealed my daughter was an addict after she was found getting into bank accounts, stealing atm cards, after confronting her she admitted her addiction and agreed to get help. she has had her paycheck garnished for past credit card debt, and we thought she was getting her life in order, lately, her life seems to have taken a turn, still with dealer debt being paid by us as her check is not much to speak of, she is paying for daycare for her child for two days a week, her bills most months, but seems to taken a resentment to her child as she cannot have a life cause no one wants to watch her child as she says, we are about at the end of our rope with all of this, we have caught her in numerous lies recently, cannot even function with basic life skills, dont know if r esult of all the pills she has taken or just continues to use as excuse, we have set a deadline of march 1 with which we will no longer be a part of this craziness in our lives, no more drama, just hope we can stick to it - having a grandchild involved just seems to change everything often give her tips on how to make her life easier but seems to ignore all suggestions and would rather huff and puff and have breakdown and blame everyone else for her issues = help pleasem we have done recent drug test which she did pass in regards to percocet but using pot at times
My heart goes out to you...it is so hard to deal with an irrational and addicted person. No one is going to judge you here...we have all done things for our addicts that we thought were helpful, but ended up not being the best moves. No one has a crystal ball, and by taking in your daughter and her child, you surely expected her to take the help and improve her life. For whatever reason, she dropped the ball.
Focus on yourself and the grandchild now. Stop paying off her debts, both to the credit cards and the drug dealer. If March 1 is your deadline, she can leave. Is it possible for you get custody or guardianship of the grandchild? One of our regular posters Momg is a good person to ask about this as she has custody of her grandson.
If your daughter has no where to go, she can go to a shelter or a Salvation Army Women's Rehabilitation Program to receive help. She can also find sober-living halfway houses in her area (just Google "sober living houses in ______). Also, each state has agencies which supply job training and resources for people with mental health issues ( she can locate an agency by contacting her state mental health department). Catholic Social Services in her area may also be a resource. You can let her know about all these resources, but she must be the one to do the legwork.
Keep posting, as it helps to know you are not the only one who struggles with these problems.
Focus on yourself and the grandchild now. Stop paying off her debts, both to the credit cards and the drug dealer. If March 1 is your deadline, she can leave. Is it possible for you get custody or guardianship of the grandchild? One of our regular posters Momg is a good person to ask about this as she has custody of her grandson.
If your daughter has no where to go, she can go to a shelter or a Salvation Army Women's Rehabilitation Program to receive help. She can also find sober-living halfway houses in her area (just Google "sober living houses in ______). Also, each state has agencies which supply job training and resources for people with mental health issues ( she can locate an agency by contacting her state mental health department). Catholic Social Services in her area may also be a resource. You can let her know about all these resources, but she must be the one to do the legwork.
Keep posting, as it helps to know you are not the only one who struggles with these problems.
I have custody of our grandson, it was a hard fight and it theoretically could change at any time, but the little ones mom and dad are both addicts, mom moved 2000 miles away and my son is recently sent to prison. I took very risky steps and literally put my grandson, (not yet 2 years old) in a car and to a safe place, borrowed and fought for custody..not that you are there but at a certain point it was obvious both his parents were addicts and he was put in dangerous situations and neglected other than what we provided. Today he is 6 1/2 and healthy and happy and smart and safe, it is hell when a small child is in the mix but they have to be protected, those that cant protect themselves. stay strong and don't be surprised when you may get threatened that your grandchild will be out on the street..heard it all Momg
yes we are almost at that point now, daughter takes no accountability with her issues as they are always our issues vs hers, just about had enough of all of the drama and ready to have her leave our house , she follows NO rules or takes no interest with basic life skills, thinks she should be able to go out and anywhere she pleases anytime she wishes, for instance asked me to watch choild last night so she could go out which i did and then asked me about tonight which i informed her i was unable to do when originally asked - she expected me to ask my husband to watch the child !!! same story last weekend, sorry to say she has NO business being a parent. feel sorry for these children being brought into this world facing these circumstances - drugs are ruining this world
it is so difficult being a grandparent, how old is your grandchild? the one and only thing I really can say about my son's parenting..he always knew I was looking out for Bub and that he was best being with us. We would allow him to visit, even when he was clearly high, with our supervision and some thought that wrong, but he always and I mean always put his son first by signing him to us. Your daughter sounds like she is wanting to lead a single life and sees no problem with you watching "your grandchild" they play that card. when she is there, what does she do ? does she bathe, feed, tuck in? I believe we keep the parent because we are too afraid to lose the grandchild...boy it is a tough thing, isn't it? MomG
Have you asked her to give you custody or does she hold contact with the grandbaby over your head like a sword? You can get involved with child protective services and at the very least begin documenting EVERY SINGLE THING you do for the little one, everything she does/doesn;t do for her child and around your home. Document the times she MIA and the nights she comes in late or not at all. Write EVERYTHING down and keep it in a safe place, then perhaps you can go after custody of your grandchild, if that's what you want. She is certainly in no place to be a parent and as you know, you are being played in a big way...manipulated, button-pushed, whatever you want to call it.
Sorry for your troubles ~ M&M
Sorry for your troubles ~ M&M
