So, I've been drinking again for about a month now. When I don't drink I cannot sleep, period. Yesterday, I had a commitment to a friend to help him do some work. I was determined not to drink the night before, because If I did, I would have been too drunk to go. I prayed that I might get some sleep. Of course, I didn't get any sleep and did a moving job on no sleep (again). I returned home and sometime in the early evening I fell asleep. Today, I had a commitment to work for another guy at 10:30am. Now, this guy knows of my drinking problems, and that I've tried to quit recently. I've apologized to him in the past for missing work and being late, etc..Anyways, I woke up late today, and I called this guy and told him straight up I would be there at 11am.He said: "It just keep getting later huh? (small chuckle). I know I'm the one in the "wrong" here but I just couldn't sit there and be verbally embarrassed. He then said: "So you don't want to work today?" I replied: "No, I want to work but 11am is the best I can do, take it or leave it." "See you at 11" , he says and I just hung up without saying bye. I know he has every right to be short with me, I'm the one that moved the time. I have never been like that with him, I usually am overly apologetic, but im tired of that. I was trying not to drink all weekend so i could meet my obligations, and even then I canot be perfect it seems. Im sure this guy thinks i was drinking last night. I don't have the patience or whatever to try and explain things. Im just gonna show up and work and leave.
Things like this suggest I would never make it in the sober world. Anyone deal with something like this?
I know I gotta get over this perpetual doubt that everyone will have about me, but Im having a hard time with it.
Hope everybody is doing well.
Dods
Take a moment and count the number of times you've used "I" in the first person to justify yourself. Sucks when someone knows the truth, huh?
Resentments are the number one offender of an alcoholic. Drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die. I had to come to grips with the "Honesty" of the First Step and begin to realize I was powerless over people, places, and things--including judgemental people who knew my disease.
Resentments are the number one offender of an alcoholic. Drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die. I had to come to grips with the "Honesty" of the First Step and begin to realize I was powerless over people, places, and things--including judgemental people who knew my disease.
The Four Agreements
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
Hey Dods I can understand where you are coming from. You were ticked off cause you weren't late because you were drinking, but he just assumed that you were. It's like dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Takes a while to prove ourselves even after we give up drinking. We became so undependable that people just assume that any reason we have is due to drinking. Booze robs us of so much. so so much and it takes a long time to pick up the pieces so my advice is to get the help now to stop while you are still young and got a life ahead of you.The longer you drink the more pieces you will have to pick up and some which are never able to be put back together. Take care bud,....your friend Pirate
Hi dods
you say in your post" if i dont drink i dont sleep.period"
Im interested how do you figure that ?
Im not trying to be trivial, I just ask myself what are the consequences of little or no sleep? is it significant in the scheme of things?
I used to be guilty of that "all or nothing thinking" still am to a degree took me to places`i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
so to see it in anothers text concerns me slighlty.
you say in your post" if i dont drink i dont sleep.period"
Im interested how do you figure that ?
Im not trying to be trivial, I just ask myself what are the consequences of little or no sleep? is it significant in the scheme of things?
I used to be guilty of that "all or nothing thinking" still am to a degree took me to places`i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
so to see it in anothers text concerns me slighlty.
Hey Dods,
Good for you for doing your best in being accountable to show up for work. You were willing to not drink and do the next right thing. So it wasn't perfect and you were late. The wreckage of alcoholism doesn't clear over night. We alcoholics are undisciplined. It takes time to become disciplined people again. This is a good start for you. Having some responsibility and accountability. We need some structure in our lives. It doesn't happen over night. But, you are on the right path. Now stay on it!
It takes time to earn peoples trust again. Try not to worry about this right now. Keep it simple. You are doing good my friend. Try not to expect other people to have a lot of faith in you for a time. This humbling is good for you Dods. Trust other alkies who know. Ask one of your AA guy friends for some help. Run some of your thoughts and some of your decisions by those who have more sobriety time. Yes, more swallowing of the pride. They have had more time to have their brains heal. Plus more time to learn how to live like other people who take these day to day things in life for granted.
Be grateful your friend didn't accuse or start anything when you gave him an ultimatum. He excepted you being late and you were still willing to come and help at 11:00. So what if he chuckled, it could be worse. As you know it's not the first time. I'm happy you still have friends. Alcoholism is a nasty disease it gets worse not better. If you continue down it's destructive and consuming path, no doubt you may end up with no friends left in your life.
As for the sleep just accept the fact that it will be a little while be for it returns to normal. We are the ones responsible for messing it up in the first place, accept responsibility for it. A small price to pay for a your life. One thing I'm curious about. I'm hoping you will answer this honestly. Do you really sleep so wonderfully sound when your drunk. Alcohol is full of sugar. I know I'd pass out and wake up and not be able to get back to sleep, well except for another double. I was full of sugar. There was a discussion at a meeting recently about this. Really think about this one Dods. I'll bet there was a time in your life you slept a whole lot better when ya weren't loaded.
One more thing. I'm gonna put myself out on a limb here cause I like you. I also believe your strong person. You see pretty much from the first time ya showed up I liked ya. Ambitious, intelligent, young, witty, stubborn, articulate, rebellious, alcoholic, a kind and friendly guy, funny too. Yes, I'm taking your inventory sort a. Well most peeps have these characteristics. So it's no secret. Oh gee and we all do it from time to time, spank me. What I'm getting at is and what I was trying to help ya find the last go around was, what is it that's holding ya back from getting and living the life ya know ya want and deserve? Or are ya just struggling with the deserve part?
Here it is, "I was trying not to drink all weekend so i could meet my obligations, and even then I canot be perfect it seems". This is the problem. You see you will never be perfect, nor will I or any body else for that matter. I learned at a young age that I was supposed to be perfect. An impossible task. When I couldn't fulfill what others expected of me I rebelled. I attached this unrealistic impossible belief carried it with me into nearly everything I did. The domino effect trickled into all areas of life. I no longer have to be perfect live up to what others think I should be. I took the pressure of other peoples expectations off of me and through them out the window. Freeing my rebellious attitude, yet this doesn't mean I'm not responsible. This knew way of believing and thinking takes practice. The more I practice the easier it becomes. Maybe this doesn't apply to you. However, it is my perception that I read in some of your writings. I did this through therapy and my hp... God. Of course it took my desire and willingness to participate.
Ya know Dods I believe you can take your warrior spirit and use it for your benefit. I believe with some more peeling down of the layers you will reach your humility target. You dog you. I really feel it in my gut that your going to be one of the peeps that will make it. I do hope I haven't offended you. Take what ya like and throw out the rest. Keep coming back. Your welcomed and wanted.
One of my goals in life is to be a more positive person. This affects not only myself, those I love, but also complete strangers.
From one unique rebel to another. Ya know I like you.
C~:)
Good for you for doing your best in being accountable to show up for work. You were willing to not drink and do the next right thing. So it wasn't perfect and you were late. The wreckage of alcoholism doesn't clear over night. We alcoholics are undisciplined. It takes time to become disciplined people again. This is a good start for you. Having some responsibility and accountability. We need some structure in our lives. It doesn't happen over night. But, you are on the right path. Now stay on it!
It takes time to earn peoples trust again. Try not to worry about this right now. Keep it simple. You are doing good my friend. Try not to expect other people to have a lot of faith in you for a time. This humbling is good for you Dods. Trust other alkies who know. Ask one of your AA guy friends for some help. Run some of your thoughts and some of your decisions by those who have more sobriety time. Yes, more swallowing of the pride. They have had more time to have their brains heal. Plus more time to learn how to live like other people who take these day to day things in life for granted.
Be grateful your friend didn't accuse or start anything when you gave him an ultimatum. He excepted you being late and you were still willing to come and help at 11:00. So what if he chuckled, it could be worse. As you know it's not the first time. I'm happy you still have friends. Alcoholism is a nasty disease it gets worse not better. If you continue down it's destructive and consuming path, no doubt you may end up with no friends left in your life.
As for the sleep just accept the fact that it will be a little while be for it returns to normal. We are the ones responsible for messing it up in the first place, accept responsibility for it. A small price to pay for a your life. One thing I'm curious about. I'm hoping you will answer this honestly. Do you really sleep so wonderfully sound when your drunk. Alcohol is full of sugar. I know I'd pass out and wake up and not be able to get back to sleep, well except for another double. I was full of sugar. There was a discussion at a meeting recently about this. Really think about this one Dods. I'll bet there was a time in your life you slept a whole lot better when ya weren't loaded.
One more thing. I'm gonna put myself out on a limb here cause I like you. I also believe your strong person. You see pretty much from the first time ya showed up I liked ya. Ambitious, intelligent, young, witty, stubborn, articulate, rebellious, alcoholic, a kind and friendly guy, funny too. Yes, I'm taking your inventory sort a. Well most peeps have these characteristics. So it's no secret. Oh gee and we all do it from time to time, spank me. What I'm getting at is and what I was trying to help ya find the last go around was, what is it that's holding ya back from getting and living the life ya know ya want and deserve? Or are ya just struggling with the deserve part?
Here it is, "I was trying not to drink all weekend so i could meet my obligations, and even then I canot be perfect it seems". This is the problem. You see you will never be perfect, nor will I or any body else for that matter. I learned at a young age that I was supposed to be perfect. An impossible task. When I couldn't fulfill what others expected of me I rebelled. I attached this unrealistic impossible belief carried it with me into nearly everything I did. The domino effect trickled into all areas of life. I no longer have to be perfect live up to what others think I should be. I took the pressure of other peoples expectations off of me and through them out the window. Freeing my rebellious attitude, yet this doesn't mean I'm not responsible. This knew way of believing and thinking takes practice. The more I practice the easier it becomes. Maybe this doesn't apply to you. However, it is my perception that I read in some of your writings. I did this through therapy and my hp... God. Of course it took my desire and willingness to participate.
Ya know Dods I believe you can take your warrior spirit and use it for your benefit. I believe with some more peeling down of the layers you will reach your humility target. You dog you. I really feel it in my gut that your going to be one of the peeps that will make it. I do hope I haven't offended you. Take what ya like and throw out the rest. Keep coming back. Your welcomed and wanted.
One of my goals in life is to be a more positive person. This affects not only myself, those I love, but also complete strangers.
From one unique rebel to another. Ya know I like you.
C~:)
Gidday Dods
I had so much anger in the end i had to give it to others and they were sick of the excuses anyway and whatever happened i could drink on it.
Sleep will come with acceptance
Keep posting and the doors of AA swing both ways and the more face to face you can get the better
light and love Zac
I had so much anger in the end i had to give it to others and they were sick of the excuses anyway and whatever happened i could drink on it.
Sleep will come with acceptance
Keep posting and the doors of AA swing both ways and the more face to face you can get the better
light and love Zac
skg- I posted this thread literally seconds after the phone call. The truth can hurt. This defensive position of mine has been showing itself of late, and I know its an ugly side..thanks skg.
mistyeyes- Thank you for posting that wisdom.
pirate- Hey pirate, thanks for reading and being supportive as ever. ;)
lookinup- I know what you mean about sleeping only for a few hours and then not being able to get back to sleep. That kind of sleep is about the only sleep i've gotten over the last month. Thank you for showing so much confidence in me. In the last week, things have gotten to where I think Im close. The isolation, insomnia, and sickness is starting to get to me. Of course, to be honest, and I just realized this the other day, the first time I quit drinking, had more to do with the fact I was utterly broke, and less to do with a realization that my life was going to be over sooner rather than later unless i stopped. You've been really great from day1 and I am grateful for your friendship. Ya know I like you too ;)
conscious- Well, not being able to sleep even when you are dog tired is very torturous for me. Often, I am too tired to want to do anything: watch tv, read, surf the web, etc...but somehow I can just lay there. My eyes just wont close peacefully, they twitch beneath,etc. Not getting good sleep or any sleep, over a long period of time, like a couple weeks, can affect your appetite and lots of other things. It is a health issue as far as im concerned. I too have that "all or nothing" way of thinking. If I cant do it better than everyone else, i often wont do it. Silly huh?
zac-thanks zac. I'm quite sure it isn't all alcohol. 've had sleep problems before my drinking got real bad, so there is a degree of anxiety involved. Acceptance and sobriety are what will let me sleep, another tally for "Reasons Not To Drink".
mistyeyes- Thank you for posting that wisdom.
pirate- Hey pirate, thanks for reading and being supportive as ever. ;)
lookinup- I know what you mean about sleeping only for a few hours and then not being able to get back to sleep. That kind of sleep is about the only sleep i've gotten over the last month. Thank you for showing so much confidence in me. In the last week, things have gotten to where I think Im close. The isolation, insomnia, and sickness is starting to get to me. Of course, to be honest, and I just realized this the other day, the first time I quit drinking, had more to do with the fact I was utterly broke, and less to do with a realization that my life was going to be over sooner rather than later unless i stopped. You've been really great from day1 and I am grateful for your friendship. Ya know I like you too ;)
conscious- Well, not being able to sleep even when you are dog tired is very torturous for me. Often, I am too tired to want to do anything: watch tv, read, surf the web, etc...but somehow I can just lay there. My eyes just wont close peacefully, they twitch beneath,etc. Not getting good sleep or any sleep, over a long period of time, like a couple weeks, can affect your appetite and lots of other things. It is a health issue as far as im concerned. I too have that "all or nothing" way of thinking. If I cant do it better than everyone else, i often wont do it. Silly huh?
zac-thanks zac. I'm quite sure it isn't all alcohol. 've had sleep problems before my drinking got real bad, so there is a degree of anxiety involved. Acceptance and sobriety are what will let me sleep, another tally for "Reasons Not To Drink".
Dods,
When I was trying to quit drinking the one thing that kept me going was the fear of never being able to drink again. Once you make the decision it will be much easier. Doesn't seem like you have quite gotten there but hopefully you are close. Sobriety isn't so bad. I promise. I thought life would never be fun again and never thought I would get through a day but life is pretty damn good without it. You can do this but you have to make the decision to do it. Don't wait until everything is so screwed up that giving up booze is literally your last option. Quit before things get worse. You will make it. One day or even one hour at a time. You just have to admit that you can't do this alone and get on with it. You're stuck in the quicksand of alcoholism. The deeper you get the harder it is to get out.
Take care and I wish you all the best.
Valarie
When I was trying to quit drinking the one thing that kept me going was the fear of never being able to drink again. Once you make the decision it will be much easier. Doesn't seem like you have quite gotten there but hopefully you are close. Sobriety isn't so bad. I promise. I thought life would never be fun again and never thought I would get through a day but life is pretty damn good without it. You can do this but you have to make the decision to do it. Don't wait until everything is so screwed up that giving up booze is literally your last option. Quit before things get worse. You will make it. One day or even one hour at a time. You just have to admit that you can't do this alone and get on with it. You're stuck in the quicksand of alcoholism. The deeper you get the harder it is to get out.
Take care and I wish you all the best.
Valarie
.Sure is
It takes the liver 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol (and theres 40 of them in 1 bottle of spirit) so if you drink just over half a bottle your permenantly soused and although the liver is very forgiving it wont tell you when its done I forgot what the consequences of liver failure are (not good)
when I was drinking I went down to 9 stone and Im 511do the math (not good)
good luck
It takes the liver 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol (and theres 40 of them in 1 bottle of spirit) so if you drink just over half a bottle your permenantly soused and although the liver is very forgiving it wont tell you when its done I forgot what the consequences of liver failure are (not good)
when I was drinking I went down to 9 stone and Im 511do the math (not good)
good luck
Insomnia is part of withdrawal. It goes away. If you accept the fact that you are not going to sleep for a few nights it will be easier. Have something to do when you can't sleep planned, a book, a recovery site, a video game and after trying to sleep about a half hour get up and do it. Stay away from caffeine too. You aren't experiencing anything unusual. It's all part of the process.
Accepting the fact that you were in the wrong about being late no matter what the circumstances would probably help you too. People with integrity show up on time. It's something I had to learn after I got sober. God knows I couldn't show up on time for my own funeral when I was still drinking. Accepting responsibility for our mistakes sucks but it's what we have to do. Most of us knew these things as children but alcohol took it away from us. You'd be amazed how easy it is to fall back into good habits if you had them when you were younger. But again, you have to stay sober to learn them. Keep coming back, Dods. If you want it, you'll get it.
Accepting the fact that you were in the wrong about being late no matter what the circumstances would probably help you too. People with integrity show up on time. It's something I had to learn after I got sober. God knows I couldn't show up on time for my own funeral when I was still drinking. Accepting responsibility for our mistakes sucks but it's what we have to do. Most of us knew these things as children but alcohol took it away from us. You'd be amazed how easy it is to fall back into good habits if you had them when you were younger. But again, you have to stay sober to learn them. Keep coming back, Dods. If you want it, you'll get it.
Hey there Dodsworth.. I was just reading your post and all of the replies. You got some real good advice from the others. I know for me Dod's I can blame others until the day's end, but I'm only hurting myself. The way I'll put this you may not like it.. However, it's about honesty today.. Not to offend you.. I'm gonna give you an analogy. I can go on from day to day and tell others what they might want to hear, however, they may think it's true or not.. It won't hurt them either way unless they know the real truth. Now, If I can't be honest with myself, I'm gonna die!!! Telling myself lies will hurt me.. Or telling half truths to myself. I know only for me, I can't half a** nothing!!! It's all or nothing for me. By the way, the way I feel and see things.. We're gonna be judged by others because that's the HUMAN in us.. However, I personally believe my "true" judge is when I take my last breath.. So, don't worry about others. Take responsibility for your own actions. So many who posted you are right.. Our addictions rob us of everything. Including committments. One day at a time brother.. If you truly are willing to go to ANY lengths to get sober you will. I didn't sleep well either when I drank. I passed out, woke ,drank, and passed out again. That's hardly what I call sleep today.. It's insanity for me.. Love your sister in recovery.
Now that I'm an employer I would have fired my a** a long time ago.
We are not responsible for anyone's behavior but our own.Apologies,excuses,stories etc. for our using only compounds the problem.When you get sober all this will make sense.Right now it's easy to look at the world and the people in it as villains whose only goal is to make your life miserable.
Insomnia is a core effect of most withdrawls.It's not permenant.Wet brain is.You are going to have some pain and uncomfortablness with detoxing.It's not going to get better or easier the longer you drink.The time to stop is now.
We are not responsible for anyone's behavior but our own.Apologies,excuses,stories etc. for our using only compounds the problem.When you get sober all this will make sense.Right now it's easy to look at the world and the people in it as villains whose only goal is to make your life miserable.
Insomnia is a core effect of most withdrawls.It's not permenant.Wet brain is.You are going to have some pain and uncomfortablness with detoxing.It's not going to get better or easier the longer you drink.The time to stop is now.
Tim, Liked what you had to say.. It's so true.. I see wet brain all the time, it's really sad. I guess that's one thing that's not so pretty to see when you work at a detox. Rae, good luck and just surrender to it brother.. It's already kicked your butt.. Love to all. Your sister in recovery..
| QUOTE |
| thanks zac. I'm quite sure it isn't all alcohol. 've had sleep problems before my drinking got real bad, so there is a degree of anxiety involved. Acceptance and sobriety are what will let me sleep, another tally for "Reasons Not To Drink". |
I'm certain you understand that you've come to the wrong place for confirmation of your sleep problems. Most people who've spent time in recovery understand that anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand with the death spiral of addiction. When the consequences of your addiction become more painful than that of recovery, you'll stop. I shall pray that you're alive when you do it.
Look. You probably feel like you're screwed if you stop your addiction and screwed if you don't. That much is true--every single alcoholic that I know has acknowledged it. Until you're ready to have what other recovering alcoholics have, and are willing to do what is suggested to get it, you're in a hamster wheel. I'll bet everyone here can predict, in some manner, what's coming down the line if you continue, too.
Surrender, buddy. "The idea that we could drink like others had to be smashed."
Amen SKG.. So true. We are totally different then "other people." I know for years I tried to drink like a femine lady-like person, LOL.. It NEVER worked.. When I entered recovery and started reading the Big Book, and read that caption, it took me back a second or two. I had to completely SMASH the idea that no matter when, or how long I'd been drinking, or at what age, it would NEVER get better. I was heading down a spiraling path to hell. I was a mere shell of a person, felt like I was dead inside. I thank God I don't have to feel that way again.. Today, it's a choice!!! Love to all.. Your sis in recovery..
My own experience is that I was self-medicating anxiety with co-dependency and work and sport and people-pleasing long before I discovered alcohol, and when I let go of alcohol 45 years' worth of anxiety and depression was backed up in the system. The underlying causes were still there, so sobriety wasn't enough for me, I believe. I needed something to help me cope with life. The 12 steps is one way and there are others.
PART of my problem meant that I was filled with dread and terror whenever I made a mistake. Those feelings were repressed out of consciousness but drove my behaviour. I could become defensive, angry and resentful if I made a mistake and even THOUGHT someone had noticed it....my thinking would go along the lines of:
"It's just a mistake, why are they so upset about it, they've got no right to be angry with me, I was dong my best, that's the last time I do that for them!" and all before anyone had even noticed what I'd done let alone commented on it!
Mad.
I have had some great professional help with this but I honestly believe that a good AA group and a good sponsor can be effective. There's plenty of evidence that's the case. I think the key is to find a good group and a good sponsor, just as it's important to find a good therapist....
Part of the joy I feel is the liberation from the dread and terror that I used to feel and which drove me to strive for perfection all the blooming time....
Good to see you posting again Dods,
Take care,
Martin
PART of my problem meant that I was filled with dread and terror whenever I made a mistake. Those feelings were repressed out of consciousness but drove my behaviour. I could become defensive, angry and resentful if I made a mistake and even THOUGHT someone had noticed it....my thinking would go along the lines of:
"It's just a mistake, why are they so upset about it, they've got no right to be angry with me, I was dong my best, that's the last time I do that for them!" and all before anyone had even noticed what I'd done let alone commented on it!
Mad.
I have had some great professional help with this but I honestly believe that a good AA group and a good sponsor can be effective. There's plenty of evidence that's the case. I think the key is to find a good group and a good sponsor, just as it's important to find a good therapist....
Part of the joy I feel is the liberation from the dread and terror that I used to feel and which drove me to strive for perfection all the blooming time....
Good to see you posting again Dods,
Take care,
Martin
Hello there Martin. Yes, I agree the program works if you get the sponsor, work the steps, go to meetings and do all the footwork.. Love to all. Your sis in recovery.
skg- yep, that's where im at. Im screwed if i dont drink(for atleast a week) and if i do drink then i can expect mad jitters, etc...I told a friend tonight, I'm concerned because im at this weird place where i know what to do, but i just can't. Old story, i know. I want to stop drinking for all the right reasons, and i dont want to stop, and i dont know know why! Sure, I'm depressed, confused, etc..but is that it? I just dont see not drinking as the solution to my overall problem, and i know it is common knowledge that alcoholism is the symptom of a bigger problem. I'm sure that is true, at least for me. I just cannot pinpoint or remedy that base problem..and it just seems hopeless because how do i change my deep-rooted depression/ect.? Ok, I'm done, sorry!. btw- thanks for posting everyone.
Dods
Dods
Hi Dods,
My experience is that I got what I wanted but not all at once and not the moment or the way that I wanted it. My road towards peace and joy started when I gave up trying to figure it all out....I know it doesn't always look like that, but that's because I didn't wait for the perfect weapon in my struggle with dis-ease, I grabbed every weapon I could lay my hands on. I read like mad about alcoholism and mental illness, I went to Al-anon and open AA meetings, I phoned the Samaritans, I spoke to friends and family, I used this board and others, I wasn't gong to surrender to my illnesses....but in the end I began to really heal and grow when I surrendered my conscious attmpts to fix my problems and let my HP take the driving seat. And the reality was it was my HP who took me to Al-anon, AA and The Samaritans....I'd just been getting in the way.....now I follow my HP even when (especially when!) my conscious mind disagrees....for a full-on atheist that's quite a conversion! lol...
There isn't a perfect moment, a perfect weapon or a perfect way.....or rather there is a perfect way...ANY moment, ANY weapon, ANY way.....WILLINGNESS to follow your inner spirit, Higher Power, God, the ever-present but often unfelt urgings of your soul.....the real you, your best self...at any time you can turn to face the light and take one step...hop, skip, jump, dance, run, crawl...whatever it takes...and the journey starts whenever you want. What happens is miraculous....it all simply unfolds in the right time for you.
Everything I have learnt in the past year, whether it be from spiritual sources, addiction sources, psychological sources, psychoanalytic sources all point in the same direction....I started to heal and grow when I surrendered my confused Will to my inner spirit, my HP.....when I discarded those old defence mechanisms that I had adopted in childhood and which had hardened in me and around me, cutting off all feeling, joy, sponteneity and fun and turning me into a well-meaning, meaningless robot. When that "I" let go and let God, my armour melted and I became human once more.
Pinnochio hurts and bleeds.............and having cut his strings and found his body turned to flesh, he is learning to dance!
Trust the process. AA can do it for you, therapy can do it for you, rational recovery can do it for you....there are as many ways to heal and grow as there are human beings....none of them work if you don't genuinely try them....but for you, any one of them might if you put your heart and soul into it....so start......let your HP guide you.
Be good to yourself,
Martin
My experience is that I got what I wanted but not all at once and not the moment or the way that I wanted it. My road towards peace and joy started when I gave up trying to figure it all out....I know it doesn't always look like that, but that's because I didn't wait for the perfect weapon in my struggle with dis-ease, I grabbed every weapon I could lay my hands on. I read like mad about alcoholism and mental illness, I went to Al-anon and open AA meetings, I phoned the Samaritans, I spoke to friends and family, I used this board and others, I wasn't gong to surrender to my illnesses....but in the end I began to really heal and grow when I surrendered my conscious attmpts to fix my problems and let my HP take the driving seat. And the reality was it was my HP who took me to Al-anon, AA and The Samaritans....I'd just been getting in the way.....now I follow my HP even when (especially when!) my conscious mind disagrees....for a full-on atheist that's quite a conversion! lol...
There isn't a perfect moment, a perfect weapon or a perfect way.....or rather there is a perfect way...ANY moment, ANY weapon, ANY way.....WILLINGNESS to follow your inner spirit, Higher Power, God, the ever-present but often unfelt urgings of your soul.....the real you, your best self...at any time you can turn to face the light and take one step...hop, skip, jump, dance, run, crawl...whatever it takes...and the journey starts whenever you want. What happens is miraculous....it all simply unfolds in the right time for you.
Everything I have learnt in the past year, whether it be from spiritual sources, addiction sources, psychological sources, psychoanalytic sources all point in the same direction....I started to heal and grow when I surrendered my confused Will to my inner spirit, my HP.....when I discarded those old defence mechanisms that I had adopted in childhood and which had hardened in me and around me, cutting off all feeling, joy, sponteneity and fun and turning me into a well-meaning, meaningless robot. When that "I" let go and let God, my armour melted and I became human once more.
Pinnochio hurts and bleeds.............and having cut his strings and found his body turned to flesh, he is learning to dance!
Trust the process. AA can do it for you, therapy can do it for you, rational recovery can do it for you....there are as many ways to heal and grow as there are human beings....none of them work if you don't genuinely try them....but for you, any one of them might if you put your heart and soul into it....so start......let your HP guide you.
Be good to yourself,
Martin
