My boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. He is currently 92 days clean, but does not attend NA. At least not anymore... He went to rehab for 21 days in December, and returned home in January. He was using heroin because he felt that was his only choice due to a medical issue he was having. He has a high tolerance for opiates. Believe it or not he would take 10-15 bags at a time (at least that's what he told me and others in rehab). So obviously a vicodin or two wasn't going to cut it. Anyway... When he got back home from rehab, he was very determined to stay clean and wanted to do a bunch of new things: go to church, go to more NA meetings, read, pick up new hobbies, go back to college, and focus a lot on his recovery. His ambitions lasted for about a month. Now, I don't want you to assume my boyfriend is using... He is currently on the vivitrol shot, so it's impossible for him to use. He lost 2 or 3 friends from rehab because they relapsed and overdosed. He was very close to one of the guys, and even considered themselves best friends. However, his death wasn't technically a "relapse," it was more like a suicide. He stopped attending NA because people were relapsing and some would talk about using and bring up "triggers." Whenever I bring up something about him doing something for his recovery, he kind of breezes the topic. He says he's doing things for himself. Those things consist of being on the vivitrol shot, talking to someone from rehab, and supposably talking to his sponsor (which I'm not sure how often they talk, because once he got his sponsor, he would tell me every single time he talked to him, and now I've only heard about it once or twice within the past month, maybe longer.) To me, I don't think that's enough. He should be going to meetings, and if he didn't like the one he was going to, find another one. He said he made an appointment to see a therapist about two weeks ago, but hasn't heard from him. He comes up with a lot of excuses. I asked him what he was going to do once he can't take vivitrol anymore, and he didn't really say anything. He just said that it helps with cravings, but it's not really a craving blocker. Someone from rehab was on vivitrol and still had cravings while on it. I'm not sure how true that is, but that's what he said. He said he wasn't having cravings, and doesn't want to use ever again. A part of me just feels that he's taking advantage of his recovery. The last time he used, he ended up dying. The paramedics had to bring him back 4 times. If they didn't get there when they did, he wouldn't be with us today... I feel like he got a second chance, and should be doing more.
You can want whatever you want for him but it won't make a difference. He has to make the commitment to stay clean and everyone's journey is different. My daughter had the same exact thoughts as your boyfriend when she came out of rehab and did very well for a while but did have a relapse. That is when she realized she couldn't do it totally on her own. She now has an excellent therapist that helps her and an excellent women's group filled with women who are serious about staying clean as well as working a full time job. All of this is helping her stay focused on her goals. She attends AA occasionally but not everyday like she did when she first left recovery and continues to get her vivitrol shot. Truly, the only guidance we gave her after she relapsed what that something had to change from what she was currently doing because obviously it was good but not enough so we suggested the counselor if she wanted to stay living with us and she agreed. You have to decide how much you can take but remember you can't control this or your boyfriend. If he wants to use he will no matter what, this all has to come from within him.
He acts like he is invincible... He doesn't take initiative... He was supposed to meet with a counselor since he doesn't want to go to NA but hasn't made an attempt to call him when he didn't call back... He thinks talking to his sponsor, being on the vivitrol shot, and talking to someone from rehab is enough when I don't think it is... Am I right or wrong?
Hi, I am surprised his sponsor is still speaking to him. A sponsor usually speaks to a person that goes to meetings and works a program of recovery. But you are right. If he didnt like that particular meeting he should try another one. If he is comfortable with his sponsor maybe they should go together. The best thing I did fresh out of rehab is make a commitment to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. It was easier than I thought. After 3 rehabs it finally worked for me. I am coming up on 3 years. I wish your BF the best. He should not take his recovery for granted. it sneaks back up on us very quickly.
Joseph
Joseph
Joseph F,
His sponsor uses my bfs full time job as an excuse to not go to meetings... He said that since he's working full time he can go to meetings once a week, but my bf hasn't gone to any in over a month... He said he should be fine since he was attending meetings in rehab (words of the sponsor) counting those into the 90 mandatory meetings... I think that's bs. Idk what to think about that. Thank you for your reply.
Staystrong19
His sponsor uses my bfs full time job as an excuse to not go to meetings... He said that since he's working full time he can go to meetings once a week, but my bf hasn't gone to any in over a month... He said he should be fine since he was attending meetings in rehab (words of the sponsor) counting those into the 90 mandatory meetings... I think that's bs. Idk what to think about that. Thank you for your reply.
Staystrong19
I dont think a sponsor will give that advise. But we always believe what our better halfs say. But you are right again. It is bulls***. he should get another sponsor. I dont know where you live but here in NY there are plenty of meetings even at night. There is no excuse. Then again I am just sharing what worked for me.
Joseph
Joseph
Joseph F,
Thank you for replying. I live in PA and here there are meetings everyday. I don't understand how you can go saying you love the meetings and that these people are like a second family to not wanting to go at all... He had 2 friends, one was really close to him, that he went to rehab with that ended up passing away from a relapse. The one that was his close friend was considered suicide and my bf felt like it was his fault because he was busy with work and couldn't take his calls or texts... I'm pretty sure this had an effect on it since they went to rehab one of the last times together before he stopped going... idk. I'm just nervous for when he gets off the shot.
Staystrong19
Thank you for replying. I live in PA and here there are meetings everyday. I don't understand how you can go saying you love the meetings and that these people are like a second family to not wanting to go at all... He had 2 friends, one was really close to him, that he went to rehab with that ended up passing away from a relapse. The one that was his close friend was considered suicide and my bf felt like it was his fault because he was busy with work and couldn't take his calls or texts... I'm pretty sure this had an effect on it since they went to rehab one of the last times together before he stopped going... idk. I'm just nervous for when he gets off the shot.
Staystrong19
We also live in PA and my daughter attends meetings here but when she first came out of rehab she said that whenever she would go to one she would always find the people who were not that serious and that she was always tempted to use again with her new "friends". She was not strong enough within herself to fight her demons even after 4 months of rehab so she chose to not go to any meetings because she didn't trust herself to find the right people there. The difference now is that she has a group of women who are very serious about their sobriety and she attends meetings with them but never alone and this is currently working for her. Not sure, but he may be having those same feelings and therefore that is why he is avoiding meetings.
Sportsgirl,
I'm happy to hear that your daughter has found the right people to be with. That is a great accomplishment for someone recovering from addiction. If you don't mind me asking, what part of PA are you from? Or what rehab did your daughter attend? I just found out today that my boyfriend's sponsor "somewhat" agrees with the triggers people are pulling at the NA meetings. Like I said, they were really getting to my boyfriend so that's why he stopped attending. His sponsor however still attends because those triggers don't affect him. He has this mindset where he is focused on his recovery and that things like that don't bother him because he only wants to better himself. Why can't my bf be like this too? I know it's hard, but shouldn't this be how everyone thinks if they are serious enough about recovery?
Staystrong19
I'm happy to hear that your daughter has found the right people to be with. That is a great accomplishment for someone recovering from addiction. If you don't mind me asking, what part of PA are you from? Or what rehab did your daughter attend? I just found out today that my boyfriend's sponsor "somewhat" agrees with the triggers people are pulling at the NA meetings. Like I said, they were really getting to my boyfriend so that's why he stopped attending. His sponsor however still attends because those triggers don't affect him. He has this mindset where he is focused on his recovery and that things like that don't bother him because he only wants to better himself. Why can't my bf be like this too? I know it's hard, but shouldn't this be how everyone thinks if they are serious enough about recovery?
Staystrong19
Lucky for you it's neither your addiction, nor your recovery. You cannot control his desire to engage in what you believe is an appropriate recovery program, all you can do is have boundaries for yourself and what you consider acceptable. Addicts attend NA meetings, and there is no requirement that they be clean to do so...plenty of addicts hang out in meeting parking lots to score drugs and plenty more are there to help themselves. Any 12 step program only works if you work it, and sponsors are only human. A 12 step program is only as good as the person following the protocols, so if he doesn't want to, he doesn't and it won't do him much good. On the other hand, it might help you to go to a 12 step meeting yourself - AlAnon is also free and everywhere and it helps the codependents who are overly wrapped up in their loved ones' addictions and recoveries. Overseeing our own behavior is a full time job without taking on someone else's.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
Recovery is a process and it isn't black and white, there are many shades of gray in this process. As time moves forward he will be able to do what he needs to do if he truly has the desire to make it happen. We are in southeastern PA.
Sportsgirl,
That was a good way of putting it.
The thing that crosses my mind everyday is what would happen if he were to relapse once he's off the vivitrol. It terrifies me thinking that. I know too many people who passed because of heroin and I don't want him to be next. Ugh. So many thoughts.
Staystrong19
That was a good way of putting it.
The thing that crosses my mind everyday is what would happen if he were to relapse once he's off the vivitrol. It terrifies me thinking that. I know too many people who passed because of heroin and I don't want him to be next. Ugh. So many thoughts.
Staystrong19
Stay strong. And I mean that litterary. Mom is right. He is responsible for his recovery. I know its hard standing on the sidelines cheering your BF. But like a lot of people found out. Its pretty easy getting clean. The hard part is staying clean. For some people after they have a couple of months clean they think they have it beat. But remember it takes one slip up. 1 thought. Even a taste of alcohol. Then they are off and running. Then sit there and wonder how they got back to that horrible place so fast. Ive seen people all gung hoe in the beginning. After a couple of months you start seeing less and less of them. Before you know it they are back. Most of them say "Man what it took me 2 years before to get to this stage, this time took me 2 weeks". Unfortunately we can only give suggestions. Your BF has to find his own way of recovering. I've seen 3 people relapse and die of this disease. One I was really close too. And it hurt like hell. Especially going to their funeral and faceing their parents. They have this look of such pain and looking at you and sayig WHY? I thought he was doing so well. It is heart breaking. People do think including my parents that rehab should be enough. You should be cured. Right? Wrong. I spoke at a couple of naranon meetings and I always leave feeling good about myself for explaining addiction to some parents who feel lost. Naranon answered a lot of questions that my family had. They learned not to enable me and not to co sign my Bull crap.
I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with these issues. It is extremely hard to deal with dating a recovering addict. The fear of them slipping up and relapsing never goes away. My boyfriend has been clean for 5 months and I still think about it and dream about it at least a few times a week. The only thing you can do is help yourself. I have only been to two nar-anon meetings but I am going to start attending them again. This will help you find people in your area that are going through the same things. You will get to hear their stories and what worked for them. Like the others said, it is HIS recovery. He is the only one who can make it work. I tried being super supportive of my boyfriend when he got clean the first time. I encouraged him all the time, told him I was so proud of him, drove him to meetings, etc. But he wasn't ready yet, he hadn't endured enough pain or lost enough in his life to stop. Now he goes to meetings every day out of the week that he can. He also tried doing the 90 meetings in 90 days...he got about 78 because there were several days where he didn't have a ride or there were no meetings that night. Maybe he isn't ready to commit yet. My boyfriend tried getting and staying clean in the past by himself, and obviously it didn't work. They think they are stronger than the addiction, but they are wrong. Also, what part of PA are you from? I live in western PA.
Staz,
I feel like it's so hard for the partners/family members to get any support. It's almost like we have to beg or seek for it when an addict just has it right in front of them whether it's from their sponsor, family, partner, na, rehab... We aren't as strong as they think we are... I'm from eastern PA.
Staystrong19
I feel like it's so hard for the partners/family members to get any support. It's almost like we have to beg or seek for it when an addict just has it right in front of them whether it's from their sponsor, family, partner, na, rehab... We aren't as strong as they think we are... I'm from eastern PA.
Staystrong19
