Hi. This is my first post. Here is my situation:
My son is 22. He & his girlfriend of several years (we'll call her BK) have a 5mo baby girl.
They both have drug problems. Baby has been living with us just over a month since BK had a near fatal overdose on pills. She completed a 28 day treatment and is now staying with us (me, my husband (my kids' stepdad) and my 18yo daughter). And now my son is away at the same treatment center.
I don't know how to treat BK now that she's back and living with us. It's only been a few days.
I have no idea what to do, or how to be supportive without enabling.
I know giving them a place to live is enabling in and of itself, but they need a place to live.
The place they were living before is no longer an option.
Right now, I have BK's prescribed meds in a daily/weekly organizer and only give her one day's meds at a time. We've been encouraging (pushing) her to get out and look for work. She's filled out some applications, and she seems to be doing well. But I don't trust her. How can I?
I have no idea how long I'm supposed to oversee her medication. She has clonodine for anxiety on an as-needed basis. This morning she was getting ready to drive to her first therapy appointment since getting out of treatment and she asked me for one. I told her no- just because she was about to get in the car and drive. Plus, it's a sedative- she should take one before bed, right? Not in the morning. Then I felt guilty. Should I have given her the pill?
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be too easy, or too tough.
Her family isn't helpful. Her mother died of an overdose when she was 12. Her father is an addict -he's angry with her for being so selfish as to go to a 28 day treatment center. (She had to go into debt to do it, he's angry about that) Her grandparents -who raised her- are having health issues and that's also difficult for her.
Soon I'll be dealing with these same issues with my son. The big thing is getting them jobs. Neither of them have worked in ages- my son has been taking college courses instead of working and she's been home with the baby, and couldn't work during a difficult pregnancy before that.
They'd been living with (and stealing drugs/meds from) a family member rent-free.
We can't afford the whole rent-free business. They need to contribute.
Normally how I deal with addicts is to just immediately cut them off completely. Since I was a child, that's what I've always done. I've had a sister and a cousin die of overdoses. Three other siblings, and my dad.... all addicts. Since I was little- I just walk away because I have learned that there's nothing I can do.
I can't do that now.. this is my son. And now my granddaughter. And her mother.
I don't even pretend to have the first clue of what to do, but I'm trying.
I just need a place to talk.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Sorry no one has gotten back to you yet...your in a tough position. ..I would say...do what's right for the child first...read what not to do ...it's here somewhere. .your not the drug or med or rehab police...and you know by now...the addiction part is not your monkey and not your circus. .na and aa is free...she should be working a program...and you should be getting support from your own meetings. ..or something similar. ..you and they cannot do this alone...
I havent been in your position exactly but have had son and daughter-in-law living with me. I think they will be able to find some kind of jobs but maybe not good ones at first. Having transportation makes this easier. It sounds like your daughter-in-law is motivated to find work and might be doing the right things. I think the biggest problem is that drug users tend to fall back in with the same crowd or find similar new friends after rehab so they start using drugs again. A job and a baby might keep her busy enough so she doesnt have time to play. It sounds like she is trying to do the right thing so I would give it some time to work out. They will probably want to get their own place as soon as they are able but it wont happen overnight. They have to figure some things out first and I dont think it is enabling to help them a bit. They are at this point doing all the right things and they are still young. It doesnt sound like they are taking advantage of the situation or being obnoxious and hard to live with. Be a good role model since her family isnt supportive...you could make a difference. I would not make it too easy though. She can take care of the baby, help around the house, do whatever as long as she is not playing, goofing off, and taking advantage of the situation. If you dont trust her, put your valuables away. It is hard when you are stuck with a situation and cant walk away. I think you may have to make the best of a bad situation since there are no alternatives.
Thank you for replying. It helps a lot just to read some feedback.
I'm not too worried about BK falling back in with the same crowd.
There was no crowd, it was just the two of them.
Where they lived she was very isolated with the baby. None of her friends or family lived nearby, and it was a remote location. No cable TV, no internet, no cell service and a landline that only handled outgoing calls. I believe that she was suffering from postpartum depression and the isolation was a large factor. They did a dual diagnosis at the treatment center, but she hasn't opened up about what she learned about the root causes of her drug problems. I don't want to force her. But her outpatient counselor did prescribe a higher dosage of anti-depressants when she went there yesterday.
I am worried about what will happen when she and my son are together again. They did drugs together. But I do think it was smart of us to arrange for them to be apart for a few months. I think it might also have been a sort of 'addicted to each other' situation as well.
Tonight she is going to a celebrate recovery meeting. She has a list of meetings and programs that she can attend, and she does seem interested in participating. I am feeling cautiously optimistic.
She's filled out lots of job applications too, so hopefully something works out soon for that.
Thanks again for replying. :)
I'm not too worried about BK falling back in with the same crowd.
There was no crowd, it was just the two of them.
Where they lived she was very isolated with the baby. None of her friends or family lived nearby, and it was a remote location. No cable TV, no internet, no cell service and a landline that only handled outgoing calls. I believe that she was suffering from postpartum depression and the isolation was a large factor. They did a dual diagnosis at the treatment center, but she hasn't opened up about what she learned about the root causes of her drug problems. I don't want to force her. But her outpatient counselor did prescribe a higher dosage of anti-depressants when she went there yesterday.
I am worried about what will happen when she and my son are together again. They did drugs together. But I do think it was smart of us to arrange for them to be apart for a few months. I think it might also have been a sort of 'addicted to each other' situation as well.
Tonight she is going to a celebrate recovery meeting. She has a list of meetings and programs that she can attend, and she does seem interested in participating. I am feeling cautiously optimistic.
She's filled out lots of job applications too, so hopefully something works out soon for that.
Thanks again for replying. :)
I think that all sounds like she is on the right road and that your son is willing to change or he wouldnt have gone to rehab. I think it is also a good sign that he was taking classes at one point. It sounds like he had a goal just maybe not the means to achieve it and got off track? It might have been because of the isolation, boredom and depression that they got into the drugs. Perhaps getting a job, the new baby, and having a goal will give them incentive. Now they have people to help them get on their feet. It might be good if she goes to some meetings. I think it is too early to write them off just because they used drugs. They may yet find their way out of it and onto a new road in the right direction. I am not sure I would worry too much about things that haven't happened yet. It doesn't sound like they have done this for many, many years so don't have any pattern to make your worry about failure at this point. Try to stay cautiously optimistic and maybe things will work out well.
Thank you. Yes, my son is a very good student. Even with his drug problems he was on the Dean's list at his school. He was in the middle of the semester when he went into the treatment center, and he is going to have to re-do three of his classes. He's pretty upset about that. But there was no way it could wait. He was still using while BK was in treatment. He was lying about it and trying to hide it. He said he was 'only' smoking weed, but I don't believe it. Just from some of the behavior; I know it wasn't just weed. I don't know what he was taking but it was more than weed.
He admitted to me that since he was 15 he's been trying different stuff. Everything from inhalants to cough syrup.
How could I have not seen all that? How did I miss it?
To be honest one of my fears is that his dual diagnosis is going to turn up some sort of mental condition that I completely missed. He's always been a more difficult child than his sister. I'm worried that they'll find something actually wrong with him that could have been treated and I missed it.
I think I'm just grasping at something -anything- so I can keep telling myself he's not an addict. That it's something else. In my world, in my experience with my family, addicts end up either estranged from everyone... or dead. My dad was an alcoholic. He got into recovery but then he became an animal hoarder. He just switched one thing out with another. My brother -alcoholic. Got into recovery and became "overly" religious. Another shift.
In my experience, getting into recovery doesn't mean you get your life back. You don't get your family back. You just get a new and different monkey for your back.
He admitted to me that since he was 15 he's been trying different stuff. Everything from inhalants to cough syrup.
How could I have not seen all that? How did I miss it?
To be honest one of my fears is that his dual diagnosis is going to turn up some sort of mental condition that I completely missed. He's always been a more difficult child than his sister. I'm worried that they'll find something actually wrong with him that could have been treated and I missed it.
I think I'm just grasping at something -anything- so I can keep telling myself he's not an addict. That it's something else. In my world, in my experience with my family, addicts end up either estranged from everyone... or dead. My dad was an alcoholic. He got into recovery but then he became an animal hoarder. He just switched one thing out with another. My brother -alcoholic. Got into recovery and became "overly" religious. Another shift.
In my experience, getting into recovery doesn't mean you get your life back. You don't get your family back. You just get a new and different monkey for your back.
That was pretty negative. I don't know. I think initially, overuse of drugs or alcohol... or anything really.. is a symptom. You want something else to focus on than your life, your reality. For whatever reason. Then it grips you, the addiction. "You want something to focus on? Well, here you go."
I want to think that these kids were right there on the brink. I want to think that they're in a place where they can shake that monster off completely and and figure out what all this drug use is a symptom of so they can really deal with it. Depression? Isolation? Issues from childhood? For her, I think so. I think addressing the actual issues is going to make it so much easier for her not to use.
So what's going on with MY kid? What went wrong in his life to make him want to be high all the time? What did I miss?
I'd rather I missed something than to think all this crap happens for no reason at all.
I want to think that these kids were right there on the brink. I want to think that they're in a place where they can shake that monster off completely and and figure out what all this drug use is a symptom of so they can really deal with it. Depression? Isolation? Issues from childhood? For her, I think so. I think addressing the actual issues is going to make it so much easier for her not to use.
So what's going on with MY kid? What went wrong in his life to make him want to be high all the time? What did I miss?
I'd rather I missed something than to think all this crap happens for no reason at all.
hi - brief thoughts - Addiction is in the genes.. and the availability of substances. It has also been stated that maturity plays a part. I think the longer they can stay away from it in recovery, the better. It take time. but some relapse after years of sobriety. it is a life long battle. probably on the spectrum of mental illness, but mild enough to function.
Something has to click in THEM to make them want to stop doing the drugs. You said Focus. Yes, a person needs something to focus on. a priority. a goal. a will that gives them strength to succeed.
Something has to click in THEM to make them want to stop doing the drugs. You said Focus. Yes, a person needs something to focus on. a priority. a goal. a will that gives them strength to succeed.
I wrote this last week and my computer crashed. I thought it was gone but it popped up this morning when I turned it on.
My son has a dual diagnosis, but I am not sure if his issues were caused by drug use or they caused his drug use. He has used drugs that can permanently damage brain function so it is no surprise but he has always been difficult and moody. He was has been in treatment but isnt always compliant with the medication. I have seen many people with mental health problems that do very well with medication but as usual my son isnt one of those people.
It sounds like your son may do well if he learns to stay away from what interferes with his success. If he lacks self-control or is addicted to something really bad that he physically has trouble separating from such as heroin then the outcome will not be as good. I think if he is able to do well in school then he is well out in front of many others. (I couldnt even get mine to go!) Even if your son trades one thing for another, that isnt always so bad. He just needs to choose the right thinghe could be a work-a-holic or take up gardeningjust kidding but he could trade using drugs for any number of things that are not harmful. Your son may not have been immersed in the drug life-style which is also addicting for people that never comply with the system to begin with. Sounds like you son doesnt have problems with that.
It may not be a good sign that your son has been experimenting for years but that doesn't mean that he can't stop. He has to learn that drugs are bad and want to stay away. He cant dibble dabble for long without the drugs taking control. On the other hand, I have known people who have only smoked pot recreationally for years and they functioned just fine, but they had no desire to use any other drugs.
My son has a dual diagnosis, but I am not sure if his issues were caused by drug use or they caused his drug use. He has used drugs that can permanently damage brain function so it is no surprise but he has always been difficult and moody. He was has been in treatment but isnt always compliant with the medication. I have seen many people with mental health problems that do very well with medication but as usual my son isnt one of those people.
It sounds like your son may do well if he learns to stay away from what interferes with his success. If he lacks self-control or is addicted to something really bad that he physically has trouble separating from such as heroin then the outcome will not be as good. I think if he is able to do well in school then he is well out in front of many others. (I couldnt even get mine to go!) Even if your son trades one thing for another, that isnt always so bad. He just needs to choose the right thinghe could be a work-a-holic or take up gardeningjust kidding but he could trade using drugs for any number of things that are not harmful. Your son may not have been immersed in the drug life-style which is also addicting for people that never comply with the system to begin with. Sounds like you son doesnt have problems with that.
It may not be a good sign that your son has been experimenting for years but that doesn't mean that he can't stop. He has to learn that drugs are bad and want to stay away. He cant dibble dabble for long without the drugs taking control. On the other hand, I have known people who have only smoked pot recreationally for years and they functioned just fine, but they had no desire to use any other drugs.
Thank you so much for your input. I'm just feeling a little powerless.
Hi AIM, I think your wonderful taking this on. I think all you can do is take it one day at a time. Your a good mom and your son is lucky to have you. Sounds like BK hasn't ever had much of a role model and you might just be the mom she never had. It's a shame in a way. It's nice your helping them. Just don't leave anything to chance or temptation. Lock up the valuables and set your boundaries. Good luck! Mary
Ugh. BK's therapist is reasonably certain that she's bipolar. Apparently her mother was also bipolar. I have no idea what's involved, or what she needs. Time to do some research. My sister that overdosed was mentally ill. But when she died, I hadn't spoken to her in 15 years. I don't even know what her illness was, just that she collected social security disability for it.
Read the other postings called -> Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No
Set up rules and boundaries. expect them to take care of their responsibilities. try not to give them too much time or $$ on their hands....
Set up rules and boundaries. expect them to take care of their responsibilities. try not to give them too much time or $$ on their hands....
