So my story, I am sure is like many of yours. I have been with my husband for 28 years. In that time he has been clean for different time frames but he always goes back to drugs. He has been addicted to morphine, pot, pills, alcohol, and now crack. He is in his early 50's, educated, and a really good person. I have stayed with him through all of these relapses because I wanted our 2 daughters to have both their parents and because I honestly believed he could get better. He is always kind, not hateful even when using. I always feel sorry for him and believe he will get better.
8 years ago, he finally overcame shooting up morphine. I thought that was the worst of his addiction but a year ago he woke up and decided to free base coke, which very quickly turned into a just buying crack. In this past year, he has been to 2 inpatient programs, 2 intensive outpatient programs, worked with a therapist, tried meds, overdosed twice,but nothing has stopped him. He has been pawning items from home and work. He has stolen checks from me, even though I took him off our bank account, and he charged up $40,000 in credit card debt, of which I paid off half of with some IRA money.
Now, he has decided to quit his job and go to a long-term treatment program. I cannot afford our house on my salary alone, so I have to sell our house and buy something else. I am not sure how I will get by financially either but we are separating at this time. It is completely ridiculous that I have lived this way for so long. Our home revolves around him and whether or not he's high.
So now, I am going to be on my own with my daughters and I just feel lost. I mean I know how to take care of us but I feel panicked that we are probably getting divorced. I don't even know how to enjoy life anymore or take care of myself. It's ridiculous and sad that I feel so lost without this sick person with me. How long will it take for me to feel better? I am seeing a therapist and taking medicine for anxiety. Work is a good distraction but I still feel so empty and scared.
Hi, I'm the mother of an addict going on 19 years now, maybe more. I know the depth of your sadness. I just read your post and I'm sorry this is what's going on in your life. There are many on here who have had to leave their other half and start again.Someone will come on and write to you that's been where you are now. I just wanted to answer your post to let you know your not alone. I can only imagine how hard it is for you just now. But you know what..look at all these years you've had to be the sane one! The one to take charge of things every time he's went back on drugs. I think your going to do what you've done before and do what you have to do to move on. Your a strong woman to put up with this all these years and when pushed your going to prove you can do it again. It's okay to cry every so often if it helps. I'd cry in the shower where no one could hear me at the beginning when I was so hurt by my child's addiction. Then I'd dry my tears and get back into survival mode and it really did help. I always think us women are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and you certainly are proving that. Stay strong and hang in there, your going to be alright. Take care. Mary.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. It means so much.
I put up with my ex husband's addiction crap for five years. His first wife was married to him seven (but like two or three he was in prison). I kept really excusing his behavior with the "addiction is a disease" bandwagon ideology. "Oh it's not him it's the meth." Even when he strangled me the last time he laid hands on me. While our four month old daughter lay in the next room - and when I got free to go call the cops he took off and left her on the couch alone.
He drained me financially, emotionally and mentally. Even after I filed for divorce and it was final I gave him another chance or two. I thought two years ago he was finally serious about sobriety. He was working, going to meetings, not talking to his loser friends and seemed normal and happy. Then after five months of it he relapsed because he got arrested. So he literally said "f* it" and got high when I bailed him out.
I just finally had to wake up and realize he's never going to change until he wants to - and that's not likely to happen as long as he has people to enable him. I don't. His other ex doesn't. His family does - not financially but emotionally they do. He's on his fourth trip in 4 1/2 years to rehab. Twice at two different centers. He goes because it's that or be homeless. He does the 30-45 day cycle and then gets out and ends up using again.
He was just sober for three months in jail - and the day he gets out he takes the rest of the bail money, gets high on meth for a week and ends up OD'ing. He was in the hospital for two days. Mommy brought him home again. Suddenly she's his champion...
If he gets sober he does. But I can't wait around and be drained of everything waiting.
He drained me financially, emotionally and mentally. Even after I filed for divorce and it was final I gave him another chance or two. I thought two years ago he was finally serious about sobriety. He was working, going to meetings, not talking to his loser friends and seemed normal and happy. Then after five months of it he relapsed because he got arrested. So he literally said "f* it" and got high when I bailed him out.
I just finally had to wake up and realize he's never going to change until he wants to - and that's not likely to happen as long as he has people to enable him. I don't. His other ex doesn't. His family does - not financially but emotionally they do. He's on his fourth trip in 4 1/2 years to rehab. Twice at two different centers. He goes because it's that or be homeless. He does the 30-45 day cycle and then gets out and ends up using again.
He was just sober for three months in jail - and the day he gets out he takes the rest of the bail money, gets high on meth for a week and ends up OD'ing. He was in the hospital for two days. Mommy brought him home again. Suddenly she's his champion...
If he gets sober he does. But I can't wait around and be drained of everything waiting.
Hi Sparks, Nice to see you and hope your doing well. Mary. :-)
Dirk,
This is a scary time. A big change for you and your daughters. But, it sounds like this is the healthy choice for you. I agree that you are stronger than you realize. It is normal to be scared and anxious. Take it one day at a time. I like to focus on the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I like this because it helps me label each new struggle. Can I change this? If, not, how can I start accepting it? And, of course, the wisdom to see the difference (my hardest part. :)).
Be gentle with yourself and try to stay in the moment. Focus on your children in the moment, when you can. As others said, give yourself a break and let yourself be sad and scared at times. Look for a support group, like Al-Anon, etc.
Big hugs-keep sharing here.
This is a scary time. A big change for you and your daughters. But, it sounds like this is the healthy choice for you. I agree that you are stronger than you realize. It is normal to be scared and anxious. Take it one day at a time. I like to focus on the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I like this because it helps me label each new struggle. Can I change this? If, not, how can I start accepting it? And, of course, the wisdom to see the difference (my hardest part. :)).
Be gentle with yourself and try to stay in the moment. Focus on your children in the moment, when you can. As others said, give yourself a break and let yourself be sad and scared at times. Look for a support group, like Al-Anon, etc.
Big hugs-keep sharing here.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.
To answer the title question...
You have a life of your own, free of the drama and the drugs and the danger. Letting go is just as easy as it sounds and once you do it, you will feel so much better. We make it hard, but we can get off of the crazy train at the time of our choosing...really, we can. I did and so did many others and our lives are better for it. Giving up on our own happiness in no way serves to help our addicted loved one.
Take care of yourself~ M&M
You have a life of your own, free of the drama and the drugs and the danger. Letting go is just as easy as it sounds and once you do it, you will feel so much better. We make it hard, but we can get off of the crazy train at the time of our choosing...really, we can. I did and so did many others and our lives are better for it. Giving up on our own happiness in no way serves to help our addicted loved one.
Take care of yourself~ M&M
