Alcohol

I have to tell you something. I wasn't going to share this because you all think I'm doing so well and didn't want to disappoint anyone.

I had a crappy day at work on Friday. It stewed in me bad. It was the first time in my career that I wanted to take a pill out of stock bottle in 10+ yrs. I didn't because I love my job and why jeopardize it by doing something stupid and impulsive. Driving home I went to the liquor store...thinking if I can't have my DOC then dammit I was going to have a drink. I'm not much of a drinker these days. I didn't go in.

I shared this at my meeting on Friday night..thought I felt better. I still had this feeling that I so wanted a drink. I went out for coffee with "the gang" after. Made sure it was after 10pm before a friend drove me home...liquor store would be closed. Ppl gave me their #'s so I could call them if I felt this way later. I never used them.

Ok, last night....I worked yesterday and I couldn't get over what happened the day before. Guess where I ended up after work. Yup. This time I walked in..after a few failed attempts. I bought a bottle of rum. Not a little one either. I figured if I was going to wreck and ruin things I was going to do it big time. I knew my daughter would be out and my son is at his dads. Good opportunity.

I sat down at the pc with the bottle right there beside me, mocking me, I swear!! Had the glass and bottle of diet coke there too. I cracked it open. Even sniffed in that smell. My stomach did a little flip flop. I put it back down and stared at it. 9pm I went to bed. Without a drink. At 11 I got up and opened it again. Closed it then stared at it for what seems like 30 minutes. I thought of what it would accomplish by getting plastered. I'd still be upset about what was going on and with a hangover to boot. I put it down and went back to bed where I stayed until this morning.

There was the bottle where I left it, only there was something attached to it. A note..."Mom, I'm glad you didn't do it" OMG I burst into tears. You sometimes just don't realize you truly blessed and lucky we really are!!!

I opened the bottle and it went down the sink. I thought of all the ppl I'd disappoint if I did it. Mostly me I think. How many addicts that drink relapse..all of them. This kept going through my mind.

I wasn't going to share this at my meeting today but one of the fellas talked about honesty and knew I had to come clean about this. I already felt good this am but that made me feel great. Thank God for those walls at NA.
For me, alcohol is a big part of my addiction. Pills ended my run, but booze started it. I have abused almost everything at one time or another.....addiction is my DOC, I guess. To me, recovery means no mind-altering substances. As I type this, I am watching a biography of jerry Garcia......it reminds me that I grew up with a VERY strong belief in mind-expansion through chemistry. I glamorized it, but I ended up greatly limiting my mind for a LONG time....a waste. But I'm getting off point.........what I'm saying is that alcohol, pot......all of it, will feed addiction.
Good for you.....stay away from that rum. It sounds like you are good at "playing the video all the way through.". Hold fast to that skill....it will serve you well. Drinking will knock you down and you have spent two months picking yourself up!!!!
Wow, I was ready for the worse and it had a good ending. A double bonus at least, maybe even a triple. You were tempted almost beyond your endurance, but when it came to it YOU STOOD TALL.

yOUR DAUGHTER DEMONSTRATED A LOT OF RESPECT toward you by not throwing out the booze herself

AND A LOT OF LOVE Toward you by demonstrating her understanding, not being critical for you of buying it and leaving that encouraging, loving note. She is really happy and proud of you.

YOUR POST IS SOMETHING OTHERS CAN READ AND DRAW STRENGTH FROM.

You sure pulled off a good thing this time. Good goin.
Like Dawg, I was braced for a very bad ending to your story, Froggy. I am so glad that you were able to step away from the abyss. Jer said it well---it matters not what our DOC is, we will medicate if we get a chance. This is our nature. Once we medicate with something, anything, well it is only a matter of time until we gravitate back to our DOC.

I also see how the program is working for you. Most addicts with your time would have slipped. I prefer the word relapse, by the way. Slip implies an accident. When we use it is usually the end of a long, well thought out process.

You had a lot of support and a lot of reinforcement. Your instinct was pushing you toward the relapse, but the voices from your meetings, perhaps even from this site, conspired against overwhelming darkness to urge you to slow down and think it through.

I was told that sooner or later, no human power would stand between me and using. Truer words were never spoken. You may have just had your moment of truth, or at least your first one.

Your decision to sleep on it, and then your daughters note on the bottle, well I see those as God things. Your daughter wrote the note, but HP was working though her.

Foggy, you are a miracle. HP has great things in store for you, and I lay my head to rest this evening feeling gratified that you have yet one more day sober. Thanks for coming on here and sharing you story with such honesty.

Hope you are still searching for a sponsor.

Hey now, Jer, not sure which biography of Jerry you where watching but I have seen many if not all of them. He was a bull of a man, and played like an angel until the heroin got the better of him. I often wonder what his art would have looked like if he had managed to free himself from his addiction. Most likely he had to choose between the Grateful Dead and getting clean and sober. Too much enabling in that scene.

Here is a snippet from a song that he played briefly before his final descent into addiction. Too bad he did not find what he was looking for.

Show me something built to last

Built to last till time itself falls tumbling from the wall
Built to last till sunshine fails and darkness moves on all
Built to last while years roll past like cloudscapes in the sky
Show me something built to last and something built to try
Hey August......he was a great player, but he couldn't do it at the end. I kidded myself into believing that music is better/more creative under the influence......wrong wrong wrong. I idolized those who lived the lifestyle....I feel sad now that so many of the great ones died without sharing their gifts. One of the best parts of recovery is re-learning how to play music! I cringe now when I think of past performances. I know that the last Dead tour was rough on many levels, but seeing Jerry was depressing for fans....it was obviously the end. I came of age with Cobain and that generation.....lots of casualties....some are still alive, but not living. I have been having some cravings lately......glamorizing the whole thing.......thank you Froggy for reminding me to play it out to the end!!!!
There will come a moment when the decision to use will be between us and our Higher Power.It sounds like you listened to the right voice,
Cobain was a little after my time, but I read somewhere that he felt that part of being a superstar was to live fast, die hard, to be a tragedy. Many from my generation had this attitude: we did the drugs for these great insights they gave us, knowing that in the end, the train would run out of track. Hendrix, Joplin, Moon, the list goes on and on. I read a few years ago that the guy who penned Unchained Melody, probably the greatest love song ever written, died in a crack house.

Some do break free though. Eric Clapton is a great example. His autobiography is a good read. He took the usual path from psychedelic to heroin, managed to shake the heroin for severe alcoholism, but lo and behold, somewhere along the way found a solid recovery and has not failed him, even following the loss of his infant son. His art has evolved in recovery. Listen to From the Cradle, Riding with the King, Me and Mr. Johnson. He went through a creative dry spell where all he could do was to reach back and draw on his roots. Slowly a new artistic paradigm emerged for him. Watch his cross roads tour videos and you will see a lot of guys on stage who did a lot of drugs who seem to be pretty sober these days.

Jer, you are doing great work. You have embraced recovery on an entirely new level. I suspect you are now headed into the dark place between the quick fix the opiates offer and having a fully healed brain that produces enough of the feel good juice to make life worth living. Tim calls it PAWS. Me, I call it a living hell. Thoughts of relapse whirl, and there are countless seemingly good reasons to use just once for a little relief. Know that every clean and sober addict has gone through this place, and emerged on the other side.

This is where the rubber hits the road, Jer. Either we revert to the only solution that has ever worked for us (and we know all too well where that train will take us), or we try to reach out for something better, something permanent, something built to last.

When we get too squirrelly, it is time to work a Step. If you are like 99.9% of the men who I know and respect, you are reluctant to ask for help face to face. We are taught that this is a sign of weakness. Jer, ask that old fart to be your sponsor. Get his number and use it. Work the steps with him. Hey, if it doesnt work, your old life of self loathing and misery is always waiting for you.

Hang it there, Jer, just for today. Let us know how you are doing. I know you have what it takes to hang though this darkness and find the light on the other side.

PS: It might change your life to go to a meeting and talk about these using urges you are having. At a minimum, doing so will probably keep someone else in the room sober for one more day.

Oh, sorry I hijacked your thread, Froggy.
------> "Mom, I'm glad you didn't do it"

That's what it's all about. The new order of things.

Keep it simple.

I work with some great folks, hard core felons who have changed their life, (I'll include myself in that group) and those still the same old same old. I hate the job, really I hate it, but it becomes clearer and clearer that it' is where I need to be

Anyway, this one dude, who I seek out once a day if not more will always shout.
"Just for Today"

In fact that's what he calls me. He will be like "Hey, just for today, where you at"

And then I'll share some deep insightful stuff with him

to which he will respond.

"Great Theory" "Too bad theories don't keep us clean"

Man, I am so grateful you didn't use Froggy, the hope you bring and the light you shine is life sustaining. Keep coming Back.

Of course this talk for Jerry is not coincidental is it?

When I think of Jerry I am reminded of the decision. the one described in NA.

---> When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends - jails, institutions, or death - or find a new way to live.

It is obvious what Jerry chose

I have, just for today, chosen the alternative, find a new way to live.

What is more fascinating to me is. The life that we lead should we chose to find a new way to live.

I have spent the last 2 months just total immersed with FURTHUR.

Listening to this band grow, has been such a affirmation to the possibilities of moving forward, while embracing the past.

Speaking of roads, here is 2 versions of So Many Roads,

1. Jerry in those final years. (he can't pull it together for the whole tune, but it has it's moments).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfGD94CchJU

2, Furthur from 3.3.10--last week (track 17) (Amazing Show, Just Amazing)

http://www.archive.org/details/furt...k.106391.flac16


If you get a minute, check them out. Good Stuff.

And here is to going just a little bit furthur than you've gone before.

Love

No worries August. I've highjacked enough threads myself.

Thanks for the ongoing support. You're right, it was my meetings AND this other new family. I seem to get tested every week. I think I need to go see a shrink or something to learn to cope. Someone who's main field is a addiction. Instead of wanting to use. I was able to be strong this time, but what about next. I know I should have faith and keep clean instead of thinking negatively about wanting to use. Old habits die hard.

My daughter complained about my music being loud. Seriously I must be going deaf because it really doesnt' seem that loud. What's the saying? "If it's too loud, you are too old" I tell this too my kids all the time..lol I explained to her that when she sees or should I say hears me with my ipod that is when I need to be in my own world. That i NEED to do this. I dont' do it to tick her off. To pls understand and that I'll keep it down.

I know we are going to be tested all the time. Its how we deal with these that matter. I have always had the saying..you have a problem, you take a pill. I have to get out of this mindset and stay out of it.

Hilary
Yaaay Hillary! Your daughter sounds like an ace!

I quit alcohol over 22 years ago. It was my first DOC. I couldn't imagine a weekend without it. Now I just tell myself, "IT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION".
First of all, Hilary? You rock. Your honesty is so refreshing, so to the point. You made my morning. I too, was waiting to get to the end of your post and had my fingers crossed that you didn't pick up that drink. Whew.

The fact that you shared this in your meetings and here shows just how commited you are to your recovery. I love your daughter by the way...she's amazing.

If we can't stay clean for ourselves in the beginning, we use whatever we can..for me it was my kids. They were my consquence and my conscience.

Alcohol was never my DOC but it sure as hell could be if I started with one drink today. We look for anything to self medicate so that we can be numb. You don't get to be numb anymore. You have to feel and deal and you my dear, are doing that. I am so proud of you.
Foggy - that thought 'what about the next time' is something you need to be careful with. I know now that you are probably thinking that for the right reasons, which is good.

I KNOW THAT I WOULD USE IT AS A PRETEXT FOR USING SOMETIMES--
like when I was really tempted and struggeling thru it & then I'd think something stupid like, I'm going thru a** this struggle resisting, what happens if next time I'm tempted I give in and use. Then me not using today would be wasted. SO, since I'll probably use one of these times, I might as well enjoy using right now.

In my case it wasa taking something that I could choose to do in the future & in my mind making what did not have to happen, happen, so that I could sneak in getting high.

I think it falls in the category for me of self sabotage.

The truth is that its good to think of what about next time if you are going to be honest & you are coming from the point of view of not wanting to use. Then you need to start planning for how you are going to protect yourself next time. What you will do different when you are first tempted to try to make sure it doesn't get that close.

Something triggered you. What. Next time that trigger occurs, how can you deal with it better. I think the Big Book or one of those NA books gets into that kinda of stuff. A more active & knowledgeable NA person should be able to tell you.

I'll tell u, I am glad alcohal was not something that I ever had a big problem with. Some drugs I think it is easier to play the whole picture then others. To me, when I think of getting drunk, almost all I can see is the bad part- The dizzy, sloppy, slurry barbituate like behaviour, the throwing up, etc etc etc.

To even think of getting addicted to the drug alcohal
makes me a little weazy and freightened. I really feel bad for those who are active hard core alcoholics. THE DT''S & BEING SICK OR DRUNK......what terrible choices to have to live under. It seems like alcoholics have few moments where they can have clarity of thought and that in itself is freightening to me.
Good Thread!

Ya know......it just dawned on me for the first time what it means to "turn my will over." You guys are SO right! If I begin having the debate with myself, I will probably use. If I turn it over, I will have the strength to stay clean. This is a big moment for me, though I just stpepped back to step three, but I guess it's better to do it right! I never really had that understanding about what it means to turn my will over!!

Anyway.....the whole Jerry thing.... yeah, he chose death. He went into a treatment center and died of a massive heart attack. It seems like many addicts make that choice. I'm glad that I am being exposed to addicts who choose to fight on and live!!
Jer, it is not uncommon for people to back up to the 3rd after they see how challenging the 4th is. If we are having trouble on a step, it often means that we need to look at the work we did on the previous one. It is really important to work with a sponsor if you can find one.

Let me know if I can help.
Hey

Jer, your welcome.Although I did it without knowing. I guess this puts all my doubts about sharing to rest. I always figured nobody wanted to hear what I had to say. I have alot to share in that case...lol

Like when I was 8 (don't forget I was still sweet and innocent and totally clueless men had urinals..ok) my dads company was building the barracks at a new by army base. It was on our way to our trailer. I had to go to the bathroom. My dad had my older brother take me. He was 16. He just walked me to the door and I went in....the bathroom wasn't completed at this time. I went to wash my hands and all there was were these really neat Handshowers...but no papertowels. When I walked out the door I told Mike they were really neat. He picked me up and carried me out laughing his fool head off. He carried me out so we could get to the car faster to tell mom, dad and my other older brother what I had done and said!!!!! "She washed her hands in a urinal!!!" I was mortified and of course they had to share this with all our family and friends at the trailer...lol

I was 8, ok????????

lol
At least you didn't eat the urinal cake!

Went to my meeting tonight........the cranky old dude I like so much actually took me aside, gave me his number, and offered to be my sponsor.........what a trip! I'm taking it as a sighn that I'm walking the good path!

Jer

PS.....he didn't even mention the mohawk!
Jer, thats awesome!!!! You're lucky. I'm happy for you. I think I'm going to have to give up on the idea of a sponsor right now. For now, not for good.

Do your bandmates have mohawks too?

Have a great one Jer
Hilary
No.......no other mohawks.
Morning guys

I have learned a few things on this road. And I learn more everyday.

The first great lesson I learned (it took about 30 years of absolute hell was this)

1. I will always underestimate the power of my addicted mind. That's it's nature in me.

I'm not talking about minimizing the consequences, or rationalizing the usage, or justifying my behavior here.

I alone can not comprehend the cunning, baffling (AA words) insidiousness of that portion of my brain.

That's were the support element comes in.

I am stretching here and I haven't gone to the book. But, I recall this phrase. It stuck with me.

STRANGE MENTAL BLANK SPOTS.

I think testing our will is human nature, (see froggy's jaunt to the liquor store).

The problem with that kind of test is, well it's one I can't pass.

I may make an A on the first test, (see froggy's success).

The problem is,I then get this thought, (maybe even unconsciously), see I can control my ability to use. Hell I had a bottle of rum and did not drink. Whew that was close.

Well, in my case that was exactly where my addict mind wanted to be in control. Calling the shots.

Well with that mindset, I would then have a second test, eventually because I was still under the control of the addict mind, the rest of my mind was still serving it.

The second test comes, and maybe I get a C. I don't actually use but I let one of those defect produce a high.

Now I am on my way.

The whatever number test comes and I say "f*** it" and I use.


It wasn't till I understood that I needed "faith and sanity" as described in Step 2 of NA. Was I released from the bondage of Active Addict Thinking.

I mean I could always admit that my using was insane, that the things i did in the ways and means portion of life were crazy. But that was a long way from admitting I was crazy, I was sick, I had no faith in anything other than myself.

The journey from "I have a drug problem" to "I want to find an entirely new way to live "

Is a long, painful, scary and lonely journey.

For those crossing that bridge know you are Loved, and that things beyond your wildest imagination await you, be honest, be kind, keep praying.

love


Jer, that is great! People with some years in recovery can be quirky, especially if you define "quirky" as the opposite of "cool." Old timers have no use for cool. They can be a bit gruff, but you will find a caring heart of gold under that surface.

I hope that your next move is to use that number, like, right now.

You are doing great!