Alcoholic/addict

[12-stepper]

When I was 16, my very large cousin was given diet pills. He turned me on to them and I loved it. I loved the rush, I loved the energy. It didn't take long before I was having audio hallucinations and paranoia due to excessive amounts. I was a hippie in the 60's and did all the psychedelics and anything that was available. I hated feeling normal, I guess. I would take anything that was available but my greatest love was pills. Always. When I was 21 I started having panic attacks. I would push my baby's stroller to the hospital because I was sure I was dying but they told me it was a panic disorder and a doctor prescribed valium. I was sent to my first rehab in the early 80's for valuim and fiorinol addiction. It was a psych ward and I was terrified. When I got out, I decided alcohol would be my only drug. That didn't last long. I was soon abusing pills again.
In 1996 I decided to try AA. I loved it! I found a sponsor that was a pill addict and she told me I could take whatever pills I wanted so I did. With the absense of booze I abused the pills even more than before. I couldn't understand why the people in AA wouldn't accept me. Well, gee, maybe it was because I was so messed up on pills, huh? After a couple of years of meetings and wondering why no one could understand how "different" I was, I pretty much quit going. But kept taking pills abusively. Xanax, fioricet and vicodin were my DOCs.
In July of 2000, I tried a geographical cure and moved to Florida. I made the move but continued using. Finally in November I decided I was finished. I took my last xanax and I went to an AA meeting. This time I knew I had to get off of pills and everything else. My sobriety date is November 1, 2000. AA has taught me a new way of life. I learned about honesty. I didn't even realize how much I was dishonest when I was using until I worked the steps. My life had been a mess and I thought my problem was just abusing substances. I realize today, my thinking was totally out of whack, due to substance abuse. I was given back the morals I was taught as a child. Today I have a job, I recently learned to drive, I pay all my bills on time, but most importantly, I have serenity. I dont''play with thoughts like "someday I may have to take a pill" or "someday I will be able to drink sociably" I am an alcoholic and an addict. I am afraid I will wake the dragon if I dabble in social drinking or casual pill popping. Today I dont' use. I don't know what will happen if I get ill and have to take an opiate. I don't worry about it any more, although I did in early sobriety. I will let God handle it if that happens.
AA was the only way I was able to get clean and stay clean. I tried rehabs and therapy but I wasn't able to stay clean. There is a saying in the back of the big book that talks about "contempt prior to investigation". Many people say they hate AA but they usually know very little about it. They go to a meeting or two and swear it's not for them. It took me almost 5 years to finally get clean after my first AA meeting. Thank God AA never gave up on me.
Thanks for listening
12 Stepper