I felt the lump in my throat when I read about what the girls did your daughter...well do I remember the feeling of watching R constantly left out, or briefly included then left out. On her prom night she was going with the male friend of a "popular" classmate because she wanted this young man to go and knew R wouldn't have a date. R got her hair done, was all excited to go do the girl-prep thing at the other girl's house, but when she got there, dress, shoes, and jewelry in hand, everyone was already dressed and told her to hurry up they didn't want to have to wait for her. The girls had all gotten there over an hour earlier and had their little party, so she missed all the picture-taking and giggling...this stuff happened to her all the time.
I cry for your crying...I feel it, Alice. Five years later it is still fresh when reminded. How we weep and feel for our children.
I am so very glad that your daughter went with the boys and had a good time...so very glad. No wonder she doesn't want to hang out with these girls...they are just awful, empty souls.
Peace~M&M
Thanks Mom. I'm starting to understand why she wants to hang with her Mom and Dad on the weekend. Meanwhile Britt is all over with her friends. She's lucky to have a nice group of girls. Chelsea pals around with them once in a while although they don't have much in common. Chelsea is all about sports. Britt is a girlie girl with hair straightener in hand while Chels is all about the pony tail and Phillies jersey.
I'm starting to learn to let go a bit, (I think, I hope). There are things that I have advised her on and she wants no part of it. Can't force it into her brain. If she wants to make some changes she will otherwise I may as well bang my head into the concrete. LOL
I'm starting to learn to let go a bit, (I think, I hope). There are things that I have advised her on and she wants no part of it. Can't force it into her brain. If she wants to make some changes she will otherwise I may as well bang my head into the concrete. LOL
I concur. OMG, It hurts me to think of how ya'll must have felt when you go that call. That is awful and the girl's mom needs to be slapped for letting them
do that.
Your daughter will be stronger for having gone through all of this, but I know that doesn't make it any easier now.
Thanks Carol. I keep praying for one true friend for her. I just wish God would hurry up.
It's happend to my boys, I suspect it's happend to every child..being left out of something. As many friends as my boys had, they seemed to want to be friends with the ones who weren't the nicest around. The "cool" group. Whatever...our kids grow up with much more substance and good hearts.
I would have called the mother.
I would have called the mother.
It does happen to all kids at one time or another, but it happens to some kids all the time...they become the group's victim...the weakest one who can't or won't stand up for oneself...who doesn't understand the social thing, how it works, how to negotiate it. I see it happening in school all the time and when I do, I get involved or it becomes a runaway train...but many teachers and parents turn a blind eye to it. My class this year is wonderful about not excluding anyone from anything...but I've seen some ugliness...especially from the girls...ooh the girls.
It's a form of passive bullying and can be quite hurtful and damaging, as it was to my daughter, and to some of my students over the years. It tends to get worse unchecked. This doesn't mean we step in and try to solve all of their problems for them...it is important that they learn strategies that work for them, and sometimes that strategy might be isolation from the peer group. Nor does it mean that we do not validate their feelings...it is painful, and telling a child "You're better off without them...Who needs friends like that anyway?...When you get older they'll be the ones on the other side of success..." None of that matters even the littlest bit to the child in it...the here and the now and the pain and confusion of rejection are so powerful to young emotions...and everyone wants to belong...it is fundamental to human nature.
We have children hanging themselves for goodness sake...over bullying...children who spend years trying to recover their self-esteem. It is a very serious matter and I think you are handling it really well Alice, certainly better than I did...I bled from the heart for R...and that didn't help either of us for me to be so closely identified with her pain.
Peace~M&M
It's a form of passive bullying and can be quite hurtful and damaging, as it was to my daughter, and to some of my students over the years. It tends to get worse unchecked. This doesn't mean we step in and try to solve all of their problems for them...it is important that they learn strategies that work for them, and sometimes that strategy might be isolation from the peer group. Nor does it mean that we do not validate their feelings...it is painful, and telling a child "You're better off without them...Who needs friends like that anyway?...When you get older they'll be the ones on the other side of success..." None of that matters even the littlest bit to the child in it...the here and the now and the pain and confusion of rejection are so powerful to young emotions...and everyone wants to belong...it is fundamental to human nature.
We have children hanging themselves for goodness sake...over bullying...children who spend years trying to recover their self-esteem. It is a very serious matter and I think you are handling it really well Alice, certainly better than I did...I bled from the heart for R...and that didn't help either of us for me to be so closely identified with her pain.
Peace~M&M
I see both sides, the bullied becoming the bullies...and vice versa....
And it is so young, I am talking 5 years old, that are like master manipulators...and the school itself is playing a part in it all on different levels depending on age...
I listen to my little one talk...
So and so said if I invite my friend that she doesn't like to my party she won't come...now this is normal almost all kids go through this...
But then on the other side, thanks to the behavior board that is posted for all the kids to see ( who's stupid idea was this ) so and so is the bad kid. And how do you explain to someone 5 that just because a child can not sit still, is impulsive and doesn't follow directions well that they are not bad....I took all my energy not to freak out when the so called bad child did something so very nice for my daughter and she walked away without saying anthing. And it is coming down to this board that all the kids see each day...and no matter what in talking to other parents I am friends with who have kids in different classes they are hearing nothing but what the bad kid did and in some cases seeing their kids so obsessive about being good and getting it right...having to be perfect all the time...this isn't all that healthy a perception either.
I am not understanding this at all. I have kids that span a wide range in ages and never have seen this in the class. If a child did something considered unacceptable, they got into trouble missed recess or whatever and a note went home. There wasn't an all points bulletin put out for the other kids to see as a constant, because then they don't see anything but....
This has been on going since the beginning of school and finally I see now my daughter is getting what I mean, because she of something recent her birthday and the invitations and how it would be so sad to be the one not invited when the rest of the class was.
Alice, my girls have more guy friends and they talk to them like they are their gf's which might be somewhat freaky but it works for them. I hope that your daughter can find a gf one day to be close too and be able to trust...I really don't know what it is with the girls these days but they are brutal, and I think it comes down to jealousy, and envy, self esteem issues and yet where are the parents, and what are they teaching tier children...
Everyone have a good day...
Love,
Tina
And it is so young, I am talking 5 years old, that are like master manipulators...and the school itself is playing a part in it all on different levels depending on age...
I listen to my little one talk...
So and so said if I invite my friend that she doesn't like to my party she won't come...now this is normal almost all kids go through this...
But then on the other side, thanks to the behavior board that is posted for all the kids to see ( who's stupid idea was this ) so and so is the bad kid. And how do you explain to someone 5 that just because a child can not sit still, is impulsive and doesn't follow directions well that they are not bad....I took all my energy not to freak out when the so called bad child did something so very nice for my daughter and she walked away without saying anthing. And it is coming down to this board that all the kids see each day...and no matter what in talking to other parents I am friends with who have kids in different classes they are hearing nothing but what the bad kid did and in some cases seeing their kids so obsessive about being good and getting it right...having to be perfect all the time...this isn't all that healthy a perception either.
I am not understanding this at all. I have kids that span a wide range in ages and never have seen this in the class. If a child did something considered unacceptable, they got into trouble missed recess or whatever and a note went home. There wasn't an all points bulletin put out for the other kids to see as a constant, because then they don't see anything but....
This has been on going since the beginning of school and finally I see now my daughter is getting what I mean, because she of something recent her birthday and the invitations and how it would be so sad to be the one not invited when the rest of the class was.
Alice, my girls have more guy friends and they talk to them like they are their gf's which might be somewhat freaky but it works for them. I hope that your daughter can find a gf one day to be close too and be able to trust...I really don't know what it is with the girls these days but they are brutal, and I think it comes down to jealousy, and envy, self esteem issues and yet where are the parents, and what are they teaching tier children...
Everyone have a good day...
Love,
Tina
Hi Alice,
I can relate to what happened to your daughter, I remember when but now when I look back, what I do remember is that when the girls were cruel and backstabbing, there was my friend, David who was always there with me, we lived close to each other growing up and by my sophomore year, he had become my bestfriend and I knew then it was a special relationship (now I can see a lot of reasons why God put this special soul in my life at the perfect time) and today I am so very grateful that God put him in my life and that we were truly bestfriends, two people who bonded together, loved each other unconditionally, supported each other no matter if we thought the other one might be making a mistake, and we walked through some of the happiest but most challenging years of our lives, high school....
So what I'm trying to say is, even though she's a girl, best friends do not have to be gender specific and have to meet specific expectations....to me, my bestfriend in high school was the star quarterback who could have any girl he chose but they only got to see the outside, the inside was a spirit like mine and all he wanted was the same as I, somebody who loved you no matter what, unconditionally, with no expectations and we had a blast always together through high school....
I will say a prayer that God does for her what he did for me, send her a kind sprirt to enjoy and bond with through her school years....
xoxo
Stacey
I can relate to what happened to your daughter, I remember when but now when I look back, what I do remember is that when the girls were cruel and backstabbing, there was my friend, David who was always there with me, we lived close to each other growing up and by my sophomore year, he had become my bestfriend and I knew then it was a special relationship (now I can see a lot of reasons why God put this special soul in my life at the perfect time) and today I am so very grateful that God put him in my life and that we were truly bestfriends, two people who bonded together, loved each other unconditionally, supported each other no matter if we thought the other one might be making a mistake, and we walked through some of the happiest but most challenging years of our lives, high school....
So what I'm trying to say is, even though she's a girl, best friends do not have to be gender specific and have to meet specific expectations....to me, my bestfriend in high school was the star quarterback who could have any girl he chose but they only got to see the outside, the inside was a spirit like mine and all he wanted was the same as I, somebody who loved you no matter what, unconditionally, with no expectations and we had a blast always together through high school....
I will say a prayer that God does for her what he did for me, send her a kind sprirt to enjoy and bond with through her school years....
xoxo
Stacey
ACK! The dreaded behavior chart...UGH!
I am always under pressure to "incentivize" the kids with rewards and charts and I refuse to do it. I have been told there is no accountability in my room because I will not keep a kid after school for not doing homework and I'd rather staying after school with me be a reward, extra teacher-time, private time when we can enjoy one another. I feel the consequences are that s/he will receive poor grades. I also feel the rewards of their efforts should come from the satisfaction of a job well done and the grade you have earned.
In my classroom I make it a point to tell the kids every year that fair does not mean equal...my expectations for each child are different and based on what the individual needs from me, from the environment and what the child can manage. Always they are incredibly in tune to that, it is so easy for them to understand. We had to have a reminder talk about it this morning when one kid made fun of another and the other said to her, "Hey, I am a struggling reader but I'm trying." Another kid who was involved came to me and said, "I laughed at her too, but I feel bad about it so I want to tell you what happened in our reading group while you were working with the other kids. Can I say sorry to her?" Teaching them that they need only compete against themselves and where they started, that good behavior is its own reward...that's where I want them. I want them to see each other with all their wonderful differences, to appreciate those differences, and to accomodate them, and even to embrace them.
The kid who can't sit down...well they just CAN'T...who says you have to sit to learn? Who says you have to be quiet to learn? Learning is often noisy and sometimes messy as well. I hate those damn charts...they are a humiliation akin to pillorying someone in the public square, and we haven't done that since the 1700s. I will not do it. I will not label a kid for his/her peers...they'll figure it out sooner or later.
You are present in your parenting, Tina...and questioning the status quo...make those teachers and administrators accountable...make them tell you why they do that...and tell your girl that a sticker on a chart cannot possibly represent a human being.
Peace~M&M
I am always under pressure to "incentivize" the kids with rewards and charts and I refuse to do it. I have been told there is no accountability in my room because I will not keep a kid after school for not doing homework and I'd rather staying after school with me be a reward, extra teacher-time, private time when we can enjoy one another. I feel the consequences are that s/he will receive poor grades. I also feel the rewards of their efforts should come from the satisfaction of a job well done and the grade you have earned.
In my classroom I make it a point to tell the kids every year that fair does not mean equal...my expectations for each child are different and based on what the individual needs from me, from the environment and what the child can manage. Always they are incredibly in tune to that, it is so easy for them to understand. We had to have a reminder talk about it this morning when one kid made fun of another and the other said to her, "Hey, I am a struggling reader but I'm trying." Another kid who was involved came to me and said, "I laughed at her too, but I feel bad about it so I want to tell you what happened in our reading group while you were working with the other kids. Can I say sorry to her?" Teaching them that they need only compete against themselves and where they started, that good behavior is its own reward...that's where I want them. I want them to see each other with all their wonderful differences, to appreciate those differences, and to accomodate them, and even to embrace them.
The kid who can't sit down...well they just CAN'T...who says you have to sit to learn? Who says you have to be quiet to learn? Learning is often noisy and sometimes messy as well. I hate those damn charts...they are a humiliation akin to pillorying someone in the public square, and we haven't done that since the 1700s. I will not do it. I will not label a kid for his/her peers...they'll figure it out sooner or later.
You are present in your parenting, Tina...and questioning the status quo...make those teachers and administrators accountable...make them tell you why they do that...and tell your girl that a sticker on a chart cannot possibly represent a human being.
Peace~M&M
Mom, what grade do you teach? You sound like an awesome teacher to me. I particularly like what you said about "fair does not mean equal". It makes so much sense. And also about after-school, private time with you not being a consequence. That's the kind of attention I wanted from my teachers in about 4th and 5th grade.
I'll never forget my 4th grade teacher, Ms. Fillion. I felt so special when I was one of the "chosen" few who got to stay into the summer break and help her pack up the classroom. She took us out for lunch the day we got it finished and I will never forget her. She also was interested in the "modeling" (personal development) classes I took and came to see some of my shows. I had a music teacher around the same time who came to see me perform in the junior choir at church. Mr. Simon. I'll never forget him either.
I strived to do well because they praised me and paid attention to me. They made me want to get good grades. Makes me wonder how I ended up the way I did? I guess I was a people-pleaser type personality even then.
Now, I have to say I had a complete change of attitude in high school when I had some of the same teachers that my overachiever older sister had. All I heard was, "Oh, you're ______'s younger sister...you shouldn't be a problem at all." Well I was bound and determined to prove that I was not her...probably because I knew I could never be as smart as her or live up to her reputation. So I started dressing like a burnout, hanging out with the burnouts, and wouldn't you know it? I became a burnout. I was still exceptionally smart and I knew it. I wasn't going to let anyone else know it, though. Because I still wasn't as smart (or as pretty or as popular) as my older sister.
Boy, I didn't mean to start analyzing myself here. I can guarantee you one thing, M&M. You will have students that will still remember not only your name, but also your caring and compassion 25 years from now! That's why I remember my beloved Ms. Fillion!
Don't even get me started on my mean, strict 5th grade teacher. She made sensitive little me cry in front of the whole class once. That's when my mom transferred me in the middle of the year to a private school. She was an absolute monster and the thought of her affects me to this day. So keep doing what you are doing! :)
I'll never forget my 4th grade teacher, Ms. Fillion. I felt so special when I was one of the "chosen" few who got to stay into the summer break and help her pack up the classroom. She took us out for lunch the day we got it finished and I will never forget her. She also was interested in the "modeling" (personal development) classes I took and came to see some of my shows. I had a music teacher around the same time who came to see me perform in the junior choir at church. Mr. Simon. I'll never forget him either.
I strived to do well because they praised me and paid attention to me. They made me want to get good grades. Makes me wonder how I ended up the way I did? I guess I was a people-pleaser type personality even then.
Now, I have to say I had a complete change of attitude in high school when I had some of the same teachers that my overachiever older sister had. All I heard was, "Oh, you're ______'s younger sister...you shouldn't be a problem at all." Well I was bound and determined to prove that I was not her...probably because I knew I could never be as smart as her or live up to her reputation. So I started dressing like a burnout, hanging out with the burnouts, and wouldn't you know it? I became a burnout. I was still exceptionally smart and I knew it. I wasn't going to let anyone else know it, though. Because I still wasn't as smart (or as pretty or as popular) as my older sister.
Boy, I didn't mean to start analyzing myself here. I can guarantee you one thing, M&M. You will have students that will still remember not only your name, but also your caring and compassion 25 years from now! That's why I remember my beloved Ms. Fillion!
Don't even get me started on my mean, strict 5th grade teacher. She made sensitive little me cry in front of the whole class once. That's when my mom transferred me in the middle of the year to a private school. She was an absolute monster and the thought of her affects me to this day. So keep doing what you are doing! :)