Aliz05

aliz05, you wrote on the Alcohol board :

I would love some feedback on the value of in-patient recovery programs & transitional living homes. Any recommendations as well. Through reading the forums, I have begun to feel stronger about my father's decision to ask my addicted sister (27) to leave the home. A selfless man by nature, this must be very hard for him. While this seems like the best way to help her, I worry, that the worst will happen if and when she goes. Her binge drinking is reckless and often near lethal. I am wondering if upon leaving the house, it would be better for her to enter a recovery program or a sober house. She barely works, so it is hard to picture her taking up the challenge of working full time and renting an apartment. Would this struggle just happen anyway after rehab? So many of these places are so expensive; it is not something to blink about. The small one where she went didn't impress me or her. It is hard to assess the places from the internet. I feel it would be worth scraping together the costs, even if there was only a fraction of chance of success. To protect not just her life, but others if she ever gets a car. Do we just wait to see if she asks? Does she have to really want to go?

First things first, your sister has to be ready to terminate her dependency on alcohol, or none of the rehab will work -- inpatient, outpatient, AA, NA, expensive Betty Ford clinic, jail, or all the rest But, even if she is not ready, in my view the education that she receives there and the tools she will learn will be useful to her if she ever does decide to but aside the bottle. Education about alcohol and other drugs (and alcohol is a very powerful drug, its just legal) is a part of "treatment" as is coping, social and behavior skills. That said, these things can be acquired in outpatient rehab -- depending on financial resources. Some learn them from free AA meetings if the desire to quit is strong enough.

In any event, from my experience, having discussions with a person who is actively using doesn't help very much -- even about rehab. Many times they will either totally disagee with the helper and refuse help or tell the helper anything they want to hear to get them off their back so that they can get back to their drug of choice once the storm clears.

I've seen useful things come from inpatient rehab. But again, it really depends on the strength of the desire of the individual to put down the alcohol and the willingness of the individual to do what others tell them they need to do go stay in sobriety.

So, bottom line, if she's never had any kind of treatment, educational rehab is a help -- whether inpatient or outpatient. There's some things she needs to know to survive.

My son went to a 90 day inpatient rehab when he was 19/20; when released he went back to college and lived by himself, then with roommates, then with a girlfriend. Stayed sober for a few months after rehab, then began using. If I had it to do all over again, whether he wanted to or not -- I controlled his income at the time -- I would have insisted that he live in a halfway house with other struggling alcoholic and addicts for at least a year.

Long story short, he came to live with us at home for most of last year -- still using. Tried everything possible, as has your father, to get him clean. Ended up putting him in detox, then upon discharge gave him the choice of being dropped off at the local men's shelter unless he found a halfway house to live in. In order to avoid life at the shelter, he's in a halfway house now, been there since before Christmas -- almost a month. So far so good -- only time will tell. But everything else that was tried before that has failed. He's also currently taking a prescribed anti-depressant which seems to be working -- he has developed a very positive frame of mind and is not down in the dumps and on his pity pot.

But from my experience, once they have their senses about them and any medical condition treated, allowing an alcoholic to live in the parent's home for any length of time is a very big mistake -- for the parents and for the alcoholic -- and delays or destroys any possibility of recovery -- for the alcoholic or the parent.

Halfway house environment at least keeps the alcoholic from isolating, which they have a tendency to do after a while, constantly exposes them to others and the damage they have done in their lives, puts them with others who are struggling to work a program, gives them a feeling of self-sufficiency which helps with self esteem issues, causes them to work and support themselves, which occupies their time and their minds, and they are accountable, sometimes for the first time, not to relatives who tend to have soft hearts, but to the others in the house and its leadership -- who have no reason to put up with inferior performance.

Those are my rambling thoughts and my experience as a parent of an admitted alcoholic.

If rehab and halfway houses and AA doesn't work, in any event the alcoholic has to hit his or her bottom -- and it's different levels of pain for different individuals. Letting the adult child live in the home of the parents, in many cases, inhibits this required process. Some of us have come to realize that lost jobs, broken relationships, arrests, auto accidents, dwi's, jail, legal troubles, medical troubles, etc. are necessary pre-requisities for sobriety and wellness and should be viewed as blessings.

Sounds like your father has hit rock bottom too, which will only serve to help your sister. If not, perhaps he is ready to find his bottom -- and that will be good for him and for her and for you.

Please just let me know if I've responded to your questions and if you think I can help with any others. Bottom line, what we did was put him in detox in a mental health ward of a little country hospital, while there -- after 3 or 4 days --- told him that he should prepare for discharge and find himself a halfway house to live in or he was going to be dropped off at a shelter, then let him take it from there. He had to find the halfway house. The message was, our enabling has ended, your manipulation has ended, you will no longer "play us," you will now take responsibility for your illness and your recovery and will be accountable for it from here on out.

By the way, spent the afternoon with my son today, and just for today, we had a very good and healthy visit and conversation. Just for today. One day at a time, he has been sober and clean of other drugs for a month. Has a job -- not much of one, but it will pay for halfway house rent and food, has engaged an AA sponsor -- which he was never willing to do, has elected to take antabuse -- which will immediately make him deathly sick if he uses alcohol within 10 days or so of his last dose, and today appears to be optimistic of his future. He knows if he is found using in the house, he will be turned away at the door -- it has already happened to others while he has been there. They are told, "submit a sample right now or leave." Curfew is 11:00 p.m. The house provides transportation to work.




Thank you very much, your comments are very helpful. I met with my father this afternoon and passed on what I have read so far.

My sister did go to a detox center (more of a legal formality) and then to a rehab center for about a month. I was not too impressed with the place. But it had a more reasonable cost. (And I believe she paid for it). She did seem to learn some things there, but she was also I believe concerned about a future court date for dwi. (She luckily then had a sympathetic (if you can call it that) judge.) Since then, she has been in therapy and attending a local support group. This will stop soon though probably as she has run out of finances and my father refused to give any loans since she continued drinking.

If she asks where she can go, is it best not to make suggestions of specific sober houses or rehab centers? And if she was to stay sober, it would not be good to help out financially, right? I presumed we should just give her a month to work a little more than she has to raise money for rent outside the home. And not give her any money. It's hard--she needs the therapy and anti-depression drugs, but neither will be effective if she continues to drink. I believe there is a part of her that wants to stop. Unfortunately, the other part of her is stronger. She said she never knew her drinking could get so out of hand and become something with such a strong grip over her. She said she wished she had known. I certainly did not understand alcoholism as much as I do now (of course different from a distance). Clearly, there is an education gap in the world. But maybe it is something you can't understand fully until you are lost.

This is a bit off the subject, but -- the family also has been avoiding speaking openly about the situation on her request. While we have encouraged her to feel no embarrassment, she states that as long as there is a stigma with alcoholism, she doesn't want to be open. We obviously are not interested in advertising, but it feels odd to continually evade questions from friends and neighbors who simply believe that she has been suffering depression over the two and 1/2 years since our mother passed away. We spent this Christmas with friends, one of whom is very delicate in personality. We did not tell anyone about my sister's addiction as has become habitual, but my sister drank at the table in front of us (presumably to spite us) without us feeling we could comfortably challenge the situation. It was very stressful. We obviously shouldn't have tried to spend the time together, sadly. This scenario was the last straw for my father.

Liz, first, thanks for sharing, and please know that it helps me to help you -- and your dad. Please understand that I can only give you my perspective from my experience.

From my experience, it's good that she has had 30 days of rehab -- for the educational part of alcoholism, the circumstances of how she got there and the fact that it was "forced" doesn't really matter. I'm sure for 30 days she sat in classes or groups and learned about addiction, the effects on the brain, denial, triggers,etc. So she has a background. Ya'll will need to decide whether further intensive rehab is beneficial after the rehab that she experienced.

Detox, which is freeing her from the alcohol and the physical effects of alcohol, is more important at this point, i think. But it should be done under controlled circumstances. Doesn't take but a few days. Over the course of a week or so she can be medically observed and evaluated, and if necessary phycologicallly (sp) and pyschiatrically (sorry about the spelling) evaluted. Anti-depressants may be prescribed and helpful -- non-addictive types. Some, after a month or so, some more quickly, will help alieve the depression caused by the alchohol or by other underlying problems. Some also help with withdrawal and with the alcohol cravings.

Financially, many of the half way houses will not require rent until there is the ability to pay -- but they expect the person to begin looking for a job within a week to ten days of entering the house. I think financial independence enhances lost self-esteem, particularly for someone who is dry and clean.

Furnishing the necessary medications -- anti-depressants and such -- for me personally, I would furnish it at the start and for a time.

By the way, if medically indicated, depending on severity of the addiction, she may be offerred antabuse. It's not a cure, it's simply a medication that makes the alcoholic violently ill if alcohol is injested. Some use it; most don't. My son does right now -- it was offered to him and he takes it. The effects last for several days after the last dose. At least it makes them think before picking up that first drink -- a time for the passion of the moment to pass, so to speak. It's been around a long time.

As for telling others, that's a hard one. My wife and I chose not to broadcast my son's condition, but we didn't really go out of our way hide it or cover it up. Brian has an illness, a disease. I would respect her wishes in this regard since she is 27, but hiding from family and very close friends, in my view, is unhealthy for the family.

It's her illness and her disease. She is responsible for it and for her recovery. I'd guide her and help her, but she should choose the rehab or detox place and should make all the arrangements for the halfway house -- just as if any 27 year old would be looking for an apartment or housing.

By the way, your state Vocational Rehabilitation agency may be able to help her financially and otherwise with job training, education -- technical or otherwise, and to find a job. In our state, if my son can complete, at his expense, one semester of college with a "C" average, since he completed a rehab program, they will pay his college tuition and books, and maybe some dorm fees.

Federal food stamps may be available to your sister if she hasn't worked in a while. Will help a little, every little bit counts.

Many will say that alcoholism is a family disease. Some, in fact many, will tell you it's a spiritual disease and treat it at such. I believe it is both.

Help is available for your father, who has been living with your sister and has been her primary "caretaker." Encourage him to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two. They are confidential and anonymous. He will learn much about the disease there, as well as how to act and react to the condition and your sister's behaviors. They have a website. Meetings are everywhere -- it's worldwide.

So, there you have it -- alcoholism 101 according to Bob B. Let me know if you think I can help any further.

You and your family are in my prayers. Please pray for me and mine.
Thanks. We'll see what happens, once she is asked to leave. I am glad for my father; it has been too much stress for him.
you are welcom. yes, i understand about the stress.

I might suggest that you encourage him to seek the help of others who have been through similar circumstances. help in this regard is readily available.