Am I Crazy?

I have been reading some of your posts and they are very good. Very good advice etc. I started going to Alanon last July--the last time that I know for sure that my husband used meth. It helped me to talk to others that had similar problems and to try to work a program for ME--I'm sure that I need to go back. It gave me the strength that I needed to ask my husband to leave. It was horrible for him but I had to do what I thought was best for me and the kids. We were separated for a month and during that time he started going to church again, opened up his own checking account (first time in 25 years), went to a counselor--really started showing some responsibility and love. It was really hard learning to love and trust again but it happened and I can honestly say that I have loved him more in the last few months than I have in years....BUT....a couple of weeks ago, I thought I saw him smoking something in his truck--that wasn't a cigarette. I confronted him and he denied it--he let me search his pockets and truck cab and I found nothing. I felt like an idiot and was so sorry for accusing him. He was understanding because he knows what he has put me through in the past--going so far as to let me think I was crazy than to admit what he was doing. Then just a couple of days ago, I could have SWORN I saw him with a glass pipe at his mouth--I know that I am sick too because I was spying on him--looking out the blinds of our bedroom window to see what he was doing. And that is what I THOUGHT I saw. I wish I had asked him to do a drug test--he had said in front of our counselor that he would do that if it would help me learn to trust him again but I hated to ask him to do that--but at the same time, I wanted to know--in some sense, I think I would have been kind of relieved to have proved that I wasn't going crazy, though I don't know how I would deal with it if it was true that he was doing meth or something again. I have thought a couple of times that our brief separations were the bottom that he needed to hit in order to get his life in order. Things will go so well for a while. This time, I think one of the things that has had me suspicious is that even if he isn't doing drugs, some of the other things/patterns are there to make me wonder if he is. He has been skipping church to work or something. He hasn't been able to bring home the income that we need--which I know is frustrating--which could account for him being ill with me. But could I be so suspicious because of those other patterns (leaving early in the morning, skipping church, not bringing home any money, being a little ill) that I am seeing things because I am afraid they're there? Am I crazy?
no you are not crazy. and i believe your intution is correct, thinking you saw a glass pipe is probably what you saw and since it sounds like this has happened before its time for you to make a choice before all is lost, either he wants help or he doesnt and you have to do what is right in your life. go to your meetings and i am sure they will tell you that you are not crazy, even my ex denied all drugs and alcohol, when you know someone and their habits and behaviors you are usually right. you know in your heart what you saw and now the question is what can you do for yourself? becuz the road back doesnt come easy. yelling, nagging, accusing and enabling all put you at risk for your own sanity. i cant believe the freedom that came when i stopped trying to police his actions and focused on my own addiction and life. keep posting and reading
and my thoughts are with you

{{{hugs}}}

carol
thank you Carol! It's funny how sometimes we KNOW, but we don't want it to be so. It helps to have someone else to help confirm what we are feeling. I still wish I had insisted on an immediate drug test. But I know in my heart that if that was what it was, it will happen again. I just hate what it does to me. I hate feeling suspicious and feeling guilty for feeling that way--the whole emotional yo-yo. Thanks again!

drug test him. the truth, while hurtful, will set you free. then you can deal with the harsh reality of the situation. and make decisions.

go back to your meetings. this is when you need them.
Hello,

When i met my husband i was 19, maybe i was a little nieve because he told me that he had been a drug addict for 7 years and had been through re-hab and he would never touch it again.

For 6 year i had no reason to doubt him, we took it slowely and married after 3 years, i trusted him totally, we built a life together he trained as an eginerr, me as an accountant and had a lovely son, every thing was perfect! untill i caught him in the garage doing smack! i was shocked, understandably, booked a holiday for 3 weeks to the other side of the world, its seamed to do the trick, he was back to normal, we had a fantastic trip.

But when we got back (after only 1 week) i started to worry again, all the signs were there, going out, not enough cash, i too saw him in the van doing what i thought was smoking his crap, i was right, apart from the fact that he is now injecting!

I think you are right, i think he is back up to his old tricks, you do right to spy on him in my opinion, you have to know whats going on for your sake and the sake of your family, if hes doing nothing wrong then he wont mind you checking up on him, as he will have nothing to hide and he will want to build your trust up again and that is a very good way of doing it by letting you check up on him, if he is not doing anything then in time you will trust him again, if he goes off on one with you checking up on him then he is hiding something!

I hope you are wrong but i dont think so, sorry!

You should start to think about what to do next, if he can break your trust this time he will do it again and again, maybe you should split up again and if he stays clean for say 1 year you could consider getting back together again but not untill you have had long term proof.

I have told my husband he has 1 week to get out, i said that if he goes within the week then i will tell everyone he has had an affair, bit if he doesnt i will tell the truth.

Remember, look after yourself before you even think about him!

Claire xx
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