Hello,
My name is Lili, I am new to these boards. I came across them as i was looking for message boards for families of addicts and every one seemed very nice and supportive so I decided to join. I am in need of advice and support from people that have gone through this. Here is a little bit of my story.
My Boyfriend of 3 years is a heroin addict. He smokes it, but i know once smoking it isn't enough for him he will start injecting. When i first met him he only did pills, he snorted them, and it wasn't very often, maybe once or twice a week. After we had been dating for a while and moved in together i realized that he was doing more and more, he would do them everyday multiple times a day. I started letting him know that it bothered me that he was doing them and if he didn't try to stop that i would leave him. He would assure me that he would stop and would stop for a day or two and then he would be back in the bathroom for a long time and i knew what he was doing. This pattern of him doing drugs and me telling him i will leave has been going on for almost 2 years. About a year ago, his friend offered him heroin and he decided to try it. He's been doing it ever since. We always have fight about it. We have a 3 month old daughter together, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he has 2 from a previous relationship. Before my daughter was born i told him that he needed to stop before the baby was here or i would leave. It didn't happen. Now, I am very tired, very worn out from trying to help him and not getting anywhere. He will tell me he is going to quit and not do anything for a day just so i won't leave and then will be high the next day, I can always tell he is high. Whenever i give him money to pay a bill he will use some of it to buy drugs, he has even taken money out of my account with the excuse of having to pay the rent and has used it to buy drugs. I can not trust him with money anymore and because of his use, we are financially struggling. He is the only one working now since I am staying home with the baby and I fear that he will lose his job. I have tried everything I can think of to help him, I even offered to pay for rehab, but nothing has worked. I have tried to be supportive when he has said he is going to stop, but he always goes back. After 3 years of this and broken promises, I feel like it is time for me to go. But despite me feeling this way, something in me is telling me that I am giving up on him that maybe i should hang on a little bit longer. I love him, but I am so angry too, and i don't want my kids around it. He lets his friends come to our house and get high as well and that makes everything even worse. Lately my anxiety and stress have been at it's worst and i feel that it has to do with all this going on. Has anybody ever gone through this? How do i know if it's time for me to go or if i should wait and not give up on him? Why is it so hard for me to leave even though i know this isn't healthy for me? Please help.
I don't have the answers, but wanted to welcome you and encourage you to keep reading the boards.
As you know, addicts are caught in a lying a game. Since he is actively using, you would not be giving up on him to leave. You would be taking care of yourself and your children. Do you have somewhere to go? Family?
A new baby is stressful enough, all by itself. I am sure your anxiety is crazy dealing with all the other issues.
And, all of use here know how tough it is to set boundaries and follow them. Dealing with addicts is hard because they know we love them and use this to their advantage. It is not selfish or giving up on him to get yourself to a healthy place.
Keep posting and keep reading! Welcome.
As you know, addicts are caught in a lying a game. Since he is actively using, you would not be giving up on him to leave. You would be taking care of yourself and your children. Do you have somewhere to go? Family?
A new baby is stressful enough, all by itself. I am sure your anxiety is crazy dealing with all the other issues.
And, all of use here know how tough it is to set boundaries and follow them. Dealing with addicts is hard because they know we love them and use this to their advantage. It is not selfish or giving up on him to get yourself to a healthy place.
Keep posting and keep reading! Welcome.
Lili,
Welcome. I'm sorry you've had to seek us out but hopefully we can give you some advice and experiences and it will help.
You asked why it's so hard for you to leave. It's because you've become co-dependent in this relationship. It seems odd, I know but you're getting something out of him being an addict. I noticed that you said, several times, that you basically gave him the ultimatum...quit or else...but you never followed through. I'm going to suggest that you attend Al anon or Nar anon meetings because they will help you get the strength to leave this relationship. It's not only toxic to you but you really need to ask yourself why you wouldn't leave, just for your children's sake.
I promise you, heroin is number one in his life right now, no matter what he says. Until he's had enough and is ready to get help, nothing you say or do will make a difference. You need to look out for you and your children.
I think, if you read enough stories on here, then you know what we're all going to say. If you need us to lean on so that you can have the fortitude to move on, so be it. We'll be here for you. We understand and trust me, we all love our addicts but we cannot be part of their circus.
It's time for you to leave. This is out of your control, period.
Good luck
Welcome. I'm sorry you've had to seek us out but hopefully we can give you some advice and experiences and it will help.
You asked why it's so hard for you to leave. It's because you've become co-dependent in this relationship. It seems odd, I know but you're getting something out of him being an addict. I noticed that you said, several times, that you basically gave him the ultimatum...quit or else...but you never followed through. I'm going to suggest that you attend Al anon or Nar anon meetings because they will help you get the strength to leave this relationship. It's not only toxic to you but you really need to ask yourself why you wouldn't leave, just for your children's sake.
I promise you, heroin is number one in his life right now, no matter what he says. Until he's had enough and is ready to get help, nothing you say or do will make a difference. You need to look out for you and your children.
I think, if you read enough stories on here, then you know what we're all going to say. If you need us to lean on so that you can have the fortitude to move on, so be it. We'll be here for you. We understand and trust me, we all love our addicts but we cannot be part of their circus.
It's time for you to leave. This is out of your control, period.
Good luck
Thank you both so much for your reply and your support. I am very glad I got on here and read the replies and all these stories because I was about to fall back into the cycle. Today he told me again that he wants to stop and hopes he can, like he always does, and I was about to fall for it. I do have family and somewhere to go, I have made arrangements with my grandmother to stay with her. My fear is not being able to follow through with it because I have left before but have only lasted a few days and come back, but I really hope this time it is different and that I have the strength to stay away. I know it will be hard because I love him so much, but I do agree, I need to get myself in a healthy place for my children and myself. Again, I appreciate your support and I will be on here reading and posting because I will need all the support and advice I can get so that I can get through this and not fall back.
Thank you so much,
Lili
Thank you so much,
Lili
We all want to believe and hope. What is stopping you from leaving, taking a time out, see what your life can be without chaos, see if he gets his stuff together. Give it a try
It is easiest to set boundaries and follow thru when you are not living w the addict. You need safe space for you and your kids. I would also tell him he can not go to where you are living. If you are going to stay friends, always meet him elsewhere so you are able to leave when you need to.
do not let him get comfortable at your family's home.
Just set up the boundaries, his stuff is his, your stuff is yours. Go to Naranon or Alanon - see if the meetings are helpful for you - support - able to talk w others. learn from their experience. learn how to detach from the addict's life.
dont make him any promises. it his time for him to be independent. there's nothing wrong with living apart for a few months or years. as a woman, I would take this as an opportunity to focus on myself and kids and family, learn how to become finanaciallly independent so you never have to depend on anyone else and never give up what you have earned and learned.
do not let him get comfortable at your family's home.
Just set up the boundaries, his stuff is his, your stuff is yours. Go to Naranon or Alanon - see if the meetings are helpful for you - support - able to talk w others. learn from their experience. learn how to detach from the addict's life.
dont make him any promises. it his time for him to be independent. there's nothing wrong with living apart for a few months or years. as a woman, I would take this as an opportunity to focus on myself and kids and family, learn how to become finanaciallly independent so you never have to depend on anyone else and never give up what you have earned and learned.
recommend a methadone clinic if they are available where you live. it sounds like he only makes it through that one day and starts withdraws and that's why he keeps starting up again. the methadone with keep him from getting sick and also help stop the craving for the heroin. also he will have to see a counselor regularly to work on the emotional end of things. they will also drug test him pretty frequently so that will help him stay in check. I am a recovering addict and I too did pain pills and moved to heroin and after 10 long years of that s***, I started treatment at a clinic and haven't looked back since. it saved my life, honestly. this is a really good option for people that cant just quit. maybe if he doesn't accept this option or going to rehab, it might be best for you and your kids to move out and focus on you. id give him the option to go to the clinic first though..best of luck to you and your family.
Hi Lilli, Sometimes in life there comes a time when you come to a crossroad. You desperately want to take the path that's familiar, comfortable even with the bumps it has along the way, you love it! Then there's the other path. This one is a difficult path for you to start on. Just the thought of it makes you sad, you think it's impossible! You see the bumps before their even there and you want to turn back before you even get started. It's unfamiliar, and frightening. But the road further ahead seems flat and smooth, the bumps are gone and you can see now that you'll be okay going this way. This is what you have to do Lilli. It's going to be hard at the beginning but that's when you learn to push on and make yourself think with your head and not your heart. Us women are a lot stronger than we think or give ourselves credit for. Sadly many of us don't realise it until we are put to the test like you are now. I'm the mother of an addict and there's been a lot of things I never wanted to do but I'd make myself. I use to call it "fake it until I make it". I would talk myself into it and stop myself thinking with my heart. It wasn't easy at times but I did it. It's sad to love someone like you do and have to give up the comfort of your home to start again. I really feel for you. But if you want a decent life don't waste anymore years on this guy. My daughter has been a drug addict for 18 yrs. She doesn't even remember her own daughter growing up. Don't wait until your kids are grown and your in this relationship any longer than you are now. Walk away and start again, your kids will thank you for it later in life. Take care, Mary
Thank you everybody for your replies, it really helps and gives me that extra push that I need. I am currently in the process of leaving, packing my things, etc. It makes me sad, but I know this is something I have to do. He will never get his self together if I'm there enabling him. He knows if he spends all his money on drugs and can't pay the bills that I will find a way to pay them myself so my family doesn't have to go through hardships. He had been on suboxone before but found a way to get high off that, somehow, so I don't believe even that will help him anymore. I have just come to the conclusion that he doesn't care about me or his baby. It breaks my heart that my daughter will grow up away from her dad, but she might be better off without him. We agreed that we will meet up somewhere for an hour or so so that he can see the baby, but only when I am ready. I feel if I start meeting up with him too soon he will suck me right back into the cycle. I told him he can't take my daughter on his own because she's a baby and I don't believe he will be able to take care of her. Besides us having to meet up for our daughter there will be no contact and I will try my hardest to distance myself from him and his addiction, it will be hard I know but I know in the long run it will be worth it, like a breath of fresh air.
Thank you all for your support and advice I really appreciate it!
Thank you all for your support and advice I really appreciate it!
Lili,
I know it doesn't feel good but you're doing the right thing. Wise choice to not let him have the baby by himself.
I know it doesn't feel good but you're doing the right thing. Wise choice to not let him have the baby by himself.
Lilli, Glad you've decided to head in the right direction. Him wanting to see the baby will only last so long. Visits will be cancelled and then eventually no shows. He'll feel guilty about it and use that as a good excuse to get high again and again. Chances are your daughter will grow up like my grand daughter. She never sees her father. But he uses not seeing her as his crutch to get high. Makes me wonder if he feels bad enough about himself to get wasted has he ever given thought to how his daughter feels? Really she is the one who has reason to be sad. Not him!! You'll find out that everything in your relationship or with him is always "All about him"! Never no one else. Good for you getting away from the chaos because you'll never have anything if you'd stayed. Good luck and continue to be strong!! Mary.
Lilli-
congrats on your baby girl! i'm happy to hear that you have some place else to stay. emotionally you must be going through so much. i was very close to my fianc growing up and we were always on the phone, with each other or texting through out the day. for me, the hardest part is not having someone as close to me as he was. so i write in my notes on my phone sometimes instead of texting him. as time goes on, you'll find your own ways of coping- maybe that can be one of them. this life that he's living will always make you anxious, and we can not live their life for them. it's true that he may get his stuff together one day... but not before he hits rock bottom. you leaving is what may help get him there. these drugs are killers- you may be able to save his life this way.
my fianc's story is really similar to yours, and many addicts. starting off with prescriptions and finally using heroin one day. i could never wrap my head around it and started resenting our mutual friend who first offered it to him. the reality is is this drug changes people. i would have never expected my trustworthy, cool headed man to become this person who eventually stole from me, totaled my sisters car, got mine towed leaving burnt straws in my car.
one last thing- i loved him to death, and we always talked about having kids together. one night, i thought, what if he's cool for a couple years and relapses? my kids will probably hate me for not being strong enough to leave him- and that's something i'm not ready to deal with. it scared me to death. I grew up with friends that had addicted parents or alcohol dependent parents and it was so painful seeing them have to deal with that at home.
<3, M
congrats on your baby girl! i'm happy to hear that you have some place else to stay. emotionally you must be going through so much. i was very close to my fianc growing up and we were always on the phone, with each other or texting through out the day. for me, the hardest part is not having someone as close to me as he was. so i write in my notes on my phone sometimes instead of texting him. as time goes on, you'll find your own ways of coping- maybe that can be one of them. this life that he's living will always make you anxious, and we can not live their life for them. it's true that he may get his stuff together one day... but not before he hits rock bottom. you leaving is what may help get him there. these drugs are killers- you may be able to save his life this way.
my fianc's story is really similar to yours, and many addicts. starting off with prescriptions and finally using heroin one day. i could never wrap my head around it and started resenting our mutual friend who first offered it to him. the reality is is this drug changes people. i would have never expected my trustworthy, cool headed man to become this person who eventually stole from me, totaled my sisters car, got mine towed leaving burnt straws in my car.
one last thing- i loved him to death, and we always talked about having kids together. one night, i thought, what if he's cool for a couple years and relapses? my kids will probably hate me for not being strong enough to leave him- and that's something i'm not ready to deal with. it scared me to death. I grew up with friends that had addicted parents or alcohol dependent parents and it was so painful seeing them have to deal with that at home.
<3, M
Hi. Yes I am sort of in this situation myself (have recently walked away) but I do not have a baby. I think that if you have a child you have to first protect your child. I would leave if I could and let him figure out his situation himself. If you have friends or family you can stay with that would be great. The first thing you need to do is to discuss the situation privately with people who can help and support your leaving. If your spouse has a tendency to become aggressive or desperate, do not discuss anything with them until you have the plan worked out, and then only discuss it with them if you feel they can "handle" the news. The second thing (actually I would do this first), is to put aside whatever money you can so that you have a safety net when you leave. {{hugs}}
Lili, I have to say, when you said you write notes on your phone instead of texting him, it nearly made me cry. Instead of talking to my (ex)husband every night (we are not yet divorced), I write unsent letters. I always have so much to tell him and I used to sit next to him and pat his head and talk to him even when he was so high there was no way he could know what I was saying. Even writing that makes me feel so desperately lonely. It's funny how one can condition oneself to keep company with people who are terrible company. I mean, my ex was pretty much inanimate unless he was ranting psychotic... or he would just get "sucked into" the internet forums and I basically did not exist. Yet I miss him. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, "Castaway". He keeps company with a volleyball. Or is it a basketball? It's a ball with a face drawn on it. Tom talks to it, eats meals "with" it, etc.... One day when he loses the ball at sea, he's completely distraught. Well, the end of my relationship was/is like this. I'm a few weeks into separation. I wish I could say that in 12 months, he will be clean forever and we can get back together and live happily ever after with 1.5 kids and 3 pets and a small house. But I also wish I had a pet unicorn. I have known my ex for so long. We met in our twenties and are both nearly or over 40 now. I don't know if I will ever get over how his choices have broken my heart and my life irreparably.
katz - this is definitely like a grief even though they are still here. It is a loss of what you thought you had. It is a loss of what could have been. It is a loss of the person they were. a loss of the years that could have been more productive. a loss of your hopes and dreams that stacked up unattained. It feels like that for us parents too. our days are consumed with whatever thoughts about them and wishing we didnt have to dwell on them. I should be happy to go on vacation, but it feels like a chore.... I take a deep breath and try to be happy enough for the rest of the family... It is best when my son was away and for a few months at a time did not call with problems. but now he is back home, it is hard to watch and wait.
The days will become better for you when you are past the divorce and separation stuff. each month you will feel better, when you have more days without your ex, you will think about him less. In the meantime, keep making progress for yourself.
The days will become better for you when you are past the divorce and separation stuff. each month you will feel better, when you have more days without your ex, you will think about him less. In the meantime, keep making progress for yourself.
