wednesday morning 9.45, 35 minutes till i get that meth an get those pills, do i still wanna take 'em? its so hard making decisions that you know your never gonna have to make again but yeah, i do. but then i don't coz i wanna have one final hit...cliched or what? but i gotta lot to do if im gonna do this for real, see ive been thinking about it, i aint stopped to tell ya the truth, should i just do it an leave my lil boy wiv the last time he see me 2 weeks ago, or should i go an see him first, but if i do then he's gonna make me feel like life is worth livin' an then im gonna be back to square one again, but i desperatley wanna see him, but what am i gonna say an do? "see ya in heaven son" an start crying my eyes out? yeah that's gonna be great for him...not. or should i jus go ther an stay focused on the job in hand and just make sure i make the last time i see him the best ever? but im gonna be real f--ked up if i go an see him, or should i jus write him a letter? hell i already hav 2 tel ya the truth, as is said im good at making a drama outta this. so should i send it 2 him today, but what if i dont go thru wiv it? thats gonna f*** him up even more? an what about my dad, sister, brother? shall i do the same for them? i know my dad wouldnt really give a f--k anyway, but my sister and bruv would,
"would you come to my funeral?"
"would you cry if i died"
"will you miss me when im gone?"
Usless at life an even worse at tryin' to end it,
I cant even do that right....
U know yesterday after i wrote my post i went out to town an met two of my "Mates" junkies, so not really i s'pose, but neway thats neither here nor there, i sat wiv them, they wer high/low wotever u wanna call it wen uve just jack'd up, i was straight, the sun was high in the sky an ther was not a cloud in sight, i layed back an looked up into space, an thought...do i really wanna leave this behind? Im gonna sound like louis armstrong now, but, what a wonderful world....babies, kids playin football, the dog jumpin in the lake after the stick, the bluebells in the woods, all these things i noticed yesterday, an i was just, i dont know, sad, no, actually i wernt sad then i was happy to think that im still here, but then now looking bac and writin bout it i do feel sad that i cant enjoy this world as it was meant to be enjoyed.....
all iknow iz in twenty minutes now i am gonna be pickin' up my meds an if i take all ov them tablets quick an wivout givin it a second thought I WILL SUCCEED - ther iz no doubt in my mind that if i am that highly medictated i will certainly do something that i can't reverse...yeah i am scared, but in a way i am kinda glad that i am finally here...
i do thank ya all for what you hav d0ne to try an help me outta this sh--...
an it haz been good 4 me on this site to, as i sed on my first ever post, be able to talk 2 people who know about life with Heroin.
Thanks.
ps i'll change that avatar now 4 ya
I am a watcher, sitting on that other side. I was so taken emotionally by your post. There is this overwhelming sadness, in your words
I sit confused, with many questions running in my head. I so want to say, guess what you are dead already, only because I see addiction as death. Being able to breath really makes no difference as life surely isnt be chased after.
I watch this fight. The voices play, the emotions seem to further complicate, and those loved tear the soul apart. This perception of better off without, better off dead. Oh such lies the drug tells, the hopelessness feeds upon. Are you running the show, or are you letting a drug dictate?
And none of it matters, nothing matters but one thing, that you just breath. Each breath you take holds this great promise, string them together and reality changes. The more days you fight for you, the more chance to find the prize. Which is just a chance for more. More time to make you whole. The more you glue you back together, the more things will make sense, the more life will peek an interest..until one great day where you live and love and enjoy no matter what, despite everything and everyone.
Time breathing, it the best spent time now. It opens the door to a future. One which only you have a key to.unlock you..save you as only you can.
What a chance taken. Holds this amazing promise Dont let the voices win. I wish I could say this would be a piece of cake, but damn the sights and sounds show an almost new hell. But it gets better in time. I see that, see the light shining in my husband eyes. I see that choice he made to live, winning. No matter what that nagging voice in his head might say.
He is very open, he wanted to die. It came down to this choice, live or od.Even up till 2 days ago, you can hear death chattering in his words. Just a passing comment, about what the talk is from the corner. And the promise it holds. It doesnt hold this mystery of euphoria, but one of a final ending.yet he is still here, pushing forth.
I will send up a pray. Hopefully goodbye was sidetracked by a chance glimpse that life is still everywhere, and that you are worth being here. Never forget you are special....
Love,
Tina
I sit confused, with many questions running in my head. I so want to say, guess what you are dead already, only because I see addiction as death. Being able to breath really makes no difference as life surely isnt be chased after.
I watch this fight. The voices play, the emotions seem to further complicate, and those loved tear the soul apart. This perception of better off without, better off dead. Oh such lies the drug tells, the hopelessness feeds upon. Are you running the show, or are you letting a drug dictate?
And none of it matters, nothing matters but one thing, that you just breath. Each breath you take holds this great promise, string them together and reality changes. The more days you fight for you, the more chance to find the prize. Which is just a chance for more. More time to make you whole. The more you glue you back together, the more things will make sense, the more life will peek an interest..until one great day where you live and love and enjoy no matter what, despite everything and everyone.
Time breathing, it the best spent time now. It opens the door to a future. One which only you have a key to.unlock you..save you as only you can.
What a chance taken. Holds this amazing promise Dont let the voices win. I wish I could say this would be a piece of cake, but damn the sights and sounds show an almost new hell. But it gets better in time. I see that, see the light shining in my husband eyes. I see that choice he made to live, winning. No matter what that nagging voice in his head might say.
He is very open, he wanted to die. It came down to this choice, live or od.Even up till 2 days ago, you can hear death chattering in his words. Just a passing comment, about what the talk is from the corner. And the promise it holds. It doesnt hold this mystery of euphoria, but one of a final ending.yet he is still here, pushing forth.
I will send up a pray. Hopefully goodbye was sidetracked by a chance glimpse that life is still everywhere, and that you are worth being here. Never forget you are special....
Love,
Tina
Dear Tinman,
You have been on my mind and in my prayers all day. I hope that someone or something today gave you the will and courage to live. Yes, I said courage to live. Life isn't easy for anyone. It takes more courage to live through it than take some pills and go to sleep. But what does that do to those who love and care about you? It completely devastates them!!!! Everyone left behind wonders that they should/could have done to keep you from this. You have so much to offer your precious son and this world. Don't let a horrible drug take you away from us. Have the courage to live and fight to get your life back!
I care and I will continue praying for you. This makes me VERY sad to think about but I had to respond because I do care what happens to you.
Love,
Susan
You have been on my mind and in my prayers all day. I hope that someone or something today gave you the will and courage to live. Yes, I said courage to live. Life isn't easy for anyone. It takes more courage to live through it than take some pills and go to sleep. But what does that do to those who love and care about you? It completely devastates them!!!! Everyone left behind wonders that they should/could have done to keep you from this. You have so much to offer your precious son and this world. Don't let a horrible drug take you away from us. Have the courage to live and fight to get your life back!
I care and I will continue praying for you. This makes me VERY sad to think about but I had to respond because I do care what happens to you.
Love,
Susan
My heart has been heavy all day. I will keep the prayers coming. Please let us hear from you soon.
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
I am also praying for you and have been all day..Bryn is too............I so agree with susans post............having been there myself, wanting and trying to end it all....I see in hindsight that it is an easy way out........but when high, there seems to be no other answers........God spared my life graefully and gave me another chance, it was this that got me clean...........couldnt even kill myself and had to do smething, so I gave it my all and got clean finally.............I also thought my children wuld have been better off w/out me, wrote then goodbye notes and all, which they found in my car afterwards and man were they pissed off..........no sympathy...so much anger that how dare I think that I could do that to them and they would be ok...........please dont give up tinman.I am praying so hard for God to lift you up and give you hope.........I dont know your beliefs but I know it is he who carried me to my recovery and gaveme the strength to go on................he forgives all and can help, give it a try.pray..ask him........what have you got to lose?
Tinman, I don't know any of your story but have read your last few posts and it makes me so sad. No matter how desperate you feel right now, takiing your life isn't the answer.
9 years ago on Jan 21st- at 1032p.m. in a dark car all alone my fiance took his life. He suffered from depression, I believe to be bi-polar. He was my best friend for 7 years prior to us realizing how much we loved each other. He was molested by a family member as a young child and back when that happened it was never talked about. He carried that in him his whole life until he gave up on the struggle.
His pain is gone but the life long pain of myself, his daughter, son, grandchildren, his wonderful mother who just turned 86 a week ago, his sister, we all still hold that pain and loss. Dont do this to your son, I believe suicide or thoughts of are a cry for help, there are so many people who care about you, let these people help you through this pain.
The survivors spend there whole life trying to figure out what they did wrong, how could they of stopped it, why didn't they do more, and we never get to tell them how much we love them, what they mean to us in our lives and we never get to say "good bye". Your little boy and siblings deserve better than this and most of all so do you.
Go to a doctor, a church, pick up a bible, do anything to take these awful thoughts away. Every thing happens for a reason, I used to hate that, but it is true. You are posting here your thoughts because you want to live, let someone help you get thru all of this pain, There is a wonderful life, a son, all of the people that you talk to on this board that need YOU.
Please don't end your pain of today for a life time. You deserve better. My thoughts are with you, Sherri
9 years ago on Jan 21st- at 1032p.m. in a dark car all alone my fiance took his life. He suffered from depression, I believe to be bi-polar. He was my best friend for 7 years prior to us realizing how much we loved each other. He was molested by a family member as a young child and back when that happened it was never talked about. He carried that in him his whole life until he gave up on the struggle.
His pain is gone but the life long pain of myself, his daughter, son, grandchildren, his wonderful mother who just turned 86 a week ago, his sister, we all still hold that pain and loss. Dont do this to your son, I believe suicide or thoughts of are a cry for help, there are so many people who care about you, let these people help you through this pain.
The survivors spend there whole life trying to figure out what they did wrong, how could they of stopped it, why didn't they do more, and we never get to tell them how much we love them, what they mean to us in our lives and we never get to say "good bye". Your little boy and siblings deserve better than this and most of all so do you.
Go to a doctor, a church, pick up a bible, do anything to take these awful thoughts away. Every thing happens for a reason, I used to hate that, but it is true. You are posting here your thoughts because you want to live, let someone help you get thru all of this pain, There is a wonderful life, a son, all of the people that you talk to on this board that need YOU.
Please don't end your pain of today for a life time. You deserve better. My thoughts are with you, Sherri
Beautiful and strong words, Sherri! I second that post, Tinman!
Please come back to us. If you're still here but think that if you post we'll think you weren't strong enough to go through with killing yourself, it is quite the contrary. We will think you were strong enough to live and fight for your life. Please let us help you do that.
Love,
Susan
Please come back to us. If you're still here but think that if you post we'll think you weren't strong enough to go through with killing yourself, it is quite the contrary. We will think you were strong enough to live and fight for your life. Please let us help you do that.
Love,
Susan
Hmmmpfff........ya wanna be the center of attention, you........go into the theater.
Get your butt back on here........put down the crack and the dope......and when ya got in a month clean we'll make a fuss.........don't make me come over there and beat your sorry tail, Mister..........you're too old for this attention grabbing stuff, and you know I care deeply for ya< TM........so heed my warning less I get my whip out and smack ya one.
Give yourself some credit too......you knew zilch about computers and your working these things like a pro.......DooD I ain't got a custom avatar.......don't know how to work the speakers on here.........and you get on wit your bad self with your space and pictures.........so knock it off.
Report on Monday............ya hear me, Taurus? Bull headed thing ya.....do the right thing and next month ditch them pills........or else.
Get your butt back on here........put down the crack and the dope......and when ya got in a month clean we'll make a fuss.........don't make me come over there and beat your sorry tail, Mister..........you're too old for this attention grabbing stuff, and you know I care deeply for ya< TM........so heed my warning less I get my whip out and smack ya one.
Give yourself some credit too......you knew zilch about computers and your working these things like a pro.......DooD I ain't got a custom avatar.......don't know how to work the speakers on here.........and you get on wit your bad self with your space and pictures.........so knock it off.
Report on Monday............ya hear me, Taurus? Bull headed thing ya.....do the right thing and next month ditch them pills........or else.
