An Imperfect Road To Recovery

Success Stories & Milestones
1
My current sobriety date is May 22, 2004. My recovery has been imperfect over the past 14 years, but I'm still here, still trying.

I first admitted my alcoholism/addiction in July 1991. I quit drinking on my own for about 6 months, but was opposed to AA. It hadn't worked for my father, and I wasn't as bad as him anyway, so.....Well, you know the rest of the story. I picked up again and was using another 2 months. When my wife confronted me and asked me what I was going to do, I had few remaining options. Having tried everything else, I said I'd go to AA. That was march 1991. I haven't had a drink since.

Pills have been a different story. I've started my clean time over because of abusing pain meds on 3 different occasions since 1991, although my slips generally started long before I admitted them. I'd always been a scrip-here-a-scrip-there kind of addict until I found Internet pharmacies in December 2003. I had medical records and a credit card with a high credit limit, so the only real limit on my addiction for the next 6 months was my willingness to lie -- meaning, of course, there were no limits.

My physical tolerance built up quickly. By the end, I was taking 8 norco 10's at a time, 20-30 a day, with another 3-6 Fiorinal #3's thrown in for good measure. It was insanity. I could no longer control my using, so I desperately tried to control others' perceptions of my using. It was a house of cards ready to fall.

I took my last pain pill on May 21, 2004. I had been tapering for 2 weeks, gotten down to 6/day, then took 10 norcos one Friday. The next morning, I flushed the remaining 25 norcos. I can still remember standing over the toilet....debating.....counting one last time.....with my son on the other side of the door saying, "Come on, lets go Dad." If I hadn't flushed them, my taper "slip" would have just turned into another excuse to continue using.

My life today has changed immeasurably. I am no longer doing anything today that would get me arrested, lose my job, or bring abject shame and dishonor on my wife and children. No small change that, and yet I take it for granted so easily, choosing to obsess instead about my new class of problems -- "luxury problems" -- which usually involve my not getting something that I want, when I want it.

I have not thrown myself back into AA this time around. I needed to try something different. I see a counselor/therapist once a week, which has been helpful in getting honest and exposing my addictive thinking. I've also used some cognitive/behavioral tools to help re-wire my addictive brain. Finally, I've made a commitment to meditation, usually in the mornings. My attitude is, the more tools the better; I've got to do whatever I can to counter the years of rationalizations and half-truths that always paved my downward slide to relapse. Finally, this Board helped my recovery immeasurably when I was first getting sober. I used it to tell my secrets, to share my truth, and to (try to) be of service to others.

I'm truly grateful to all who have the courage to bring their truth to this Board each day. You're all winners in my book. None
[Addendum/Edit: December 31, 2007 -- 43+ months clean]