This is the message that I sent to sweetdaddyroses this morning. I dont feel like retyping my thoughts and feelings over again... so I will post it here. Whether he or anyone answers me or not is another thing. Bottom line is I need to be here. If there are people on this board that are untrusting, or leary, that is their issue from now on, not mine. This is my life here, in a nut shell.... ali, stacey and all of you for that matter... thank you for not giving up on me last night, when I had given up on myself. I did take a pill last night. this morning I didnt take as many as I usually do... (maybe because I am rationing myself) and my desire to stop/taper, etc. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that my lack of pills is a blessing this week, rather than a curse. It's the push I needed to get here. I want to thank the mods for everything too....With no further ado- here is the email I sent off this morning. Thank you, Sue (my real name)
I am the curious kind and I went back to the site this
morning. Do you call that morbid curiosity? I am also
the blunt kind. You pissed me off. I see that you
apologized to ali, and I'm glad you did. Takes a big
person to say I'm sorry. I was so hurt by your words
yesterday, and no it isnt your fault that I took a
pill last night... I dont want you to think that at
all.
I posted so much yesterday (90 posts?) because I
needed you all. I needed people who would listen and
not look over my shoulder at my life.. and my family-
and wonder how I got as far as I did being an addict.
I liked the idea that there was no threat that folks
would think that I wasnt a fit Mother/Wife- I function
well, almost too well. Unless I run out of these f'in
pills. I am sooo sick of them ruling my life.
So, can I ask- did you bother to read my intro post?
I also see that Donnatwo is still leary. I hate to
say it but she is wrong as far as IP addresses go...
if I had 2 IP addresses from the same home... they
would ping back at the same speed. I dont think the
mods are stupid and I am certain they know how to ping
an IP address. If my assumptions are correct, they
would have seen that ali's IP pinged at a different
speed than mine showing the distance the ping had to
travel to get to her computer and back to theirs. So,
yes- Donna is wrong.- do you know about the pinging
method? If you dont, I can and will explain it better
for you.
I dont want to fight with you. Actually, your thread
about ali was the first that I read before posting on
the board. I saw the responses you recieved and while
they were negative, none were being cruel to you. I
figured that maybe this woman (I know you are a man
now) must be having a bad day and the others know it,
thats why they are being respectful. Then I got
ripped with you accusing me of being ali. Yes, I have
a penchant for punching the keyboard, and at one point
I chuckled because Ali and I have the same typing
style..... we both like to use..... dots a lot.
Look, I dont know why I am writing to you. I want to
come back to the boards. I really do. Yesterday was
such a roller coaster for me that when I woke up today
I saw that my eyes were plastered shut... I havent
cried like that in years. Yeah real stable of me
letting a stranger on the opposite coast (yes I read
your profile on the board) piss me off and hurt me to
that extent.
I am a living breathing person over here with a
problem. I have kids and a husband who all love me.
I am also someone's daughter. My Father and Mother
love me. I am the youngest in my family. I come from
a large Sicilian New York dysfunctional loud loving
family. I wouldnt change a damned thing about any of
them. I would like to change my addiction. So I can
go and sit with them without sneaking my purse to the
bathroom with me so I can pop a few pills in order to
function.!!
I am also educated. I have a degree in electronics.
My employment has ranged from aircraft (I used to
build torque motors for f-16's and f-22's), guided
missiles (yes, Buffalo has a plant for guided
missiles, and I hated that job- I built cryostats for
hellfire missiles/javelin missiles and other models)
and now vibrational equipment for seismographs amongst
other units... I work as an Engineering Calibration
Technician, and I am good at what I do. I am not
working right now because I had to have back surgery.
And I expect to be OFF of these pills by the time I do
go back to work. I need help.
There, now that I have sent you part of my resume, I
think I have explained myself enough- and I do want to
come back to the boards. Now, I dont know quite how I
am going to come back. With my hand over my eyes?
Hoping no one will think that the thread I sent you
and Dawn was over the line? They think I am prone to
tantrums? I am not. I am normally pretty level.
Yesterday was BAD for me. I can think that today is
going to be bad for me as well- but I hope not.
I am sure you are a very nice man. I thought so when
I started out there in that group. You, Dawn and
Donna werent exactly driving the welcome wagon. I
cannot hold it against any of you for being mean. If
you thought you were right, then in your heads, you
were right. I am sorry if you thought I was part of
some grand scheme to do whatever. Will you please go
and read my thread from when I first got there? And
please email me back? Thank you- Sue (my real name)
Morning,
I use a lot of dots too.......
Soccermom I remember putting up the name for it, which I have forgotten. I think of them as brain farts, not sure where to go, lost the thought, or I am holding back probably the last of the 3.....
I hope that you have a wonderful day, that you can come back, just try to keep your eyes uncovered, so you don't miss the good stuff that is here most days. Remember we are all different, from all different walks of life, some of us are a bit high strung, but most are good people struggling with this demon addiction. Some suffer within the madness, others like me watching it all play out.
Be patient and kind to yourself today.....
Love,
Tina
I use a lot of dots too.......
Soccermom I remember putting up the name for it, which I have forgotten. I think of them as brain farts, not sure where to go, lost the thought, or I am holding back probably the last of the 3.....
I hope that you have a wonderful day, that you can come back, just try to keep your eyes uncovered, so you don't miss the good stuff that is here most days. Remember we are all different, from all different walks of life, some of us are a bit high strung, but most are good people struggling with this demon addiction. Some suffer within the madness, others like me watching it all play out.
Be patient and kind to yourself today.....
Love,
Tina
Sue, I know exactly what you are going thru. I didn't think anything bad about your posts yesterday. You were reaching out and that is what this site is suppose to be about. You are hurting, I am hurting. Posts from certain people yesterday really upset me and I swore that I would never return to this site again. Its not right that people have to prove who they are or put out their resume's. We are all living, breathing, real people with real addictions. I'm here because I need help, advice, shoulders to lean on. Hopefully I will get to the point where I can give the same to others. Right now I feel I have nothing to give anyone. But I can listen and understand. Keep posting. I find it helps to let it out.
Annie
Annie
Thank you Tina. I appreciate it. <3
Right now I feel I have nothing to give anyone. But I can listen and understand. Keep posting.
===========================
Annie, I feel that you and I are in this together, and maybe by this time next month or next year, we will be in better positions to help newbies. Thank you for your kind words. Love, Sue
===========================
Annie, I feel that you and I are in this together, and maybe by this time next month or next year, we will be in better positions to help newbies. Thank you for your kind words. Love, Sue
I had a sudden calm come over me a few minutes ago. I dont know where it came from, or why it came.... but my eyes dried and my head cleared for the moment.
Just wanted to share that little tidbit...
I also wanted to elaborate on pinging an IP addess, as I was not as clear as I wanted to be on it. I am not posting this for any other reason than information. I know you all now believe and know that Ali and I are two seperate people-
If 2 of you send me an email and I suspect that they are coming from the same house, I would ping them. You can ping IP's in the dos program. I would ping the first. It would send a signal to the other persons system and then back to my computer. The DOS program will calculate a time in miliseconds (if I remember right) Then I would ping the second IP in the same manner. I would get the time back from the program. By calculation, I can determine the distance of that person from me. Let me use minutes rather than miliseconds to demonstrate with ease:
The first IP takes 5 minutes to ping back
the second will take under 1 minute
By these time frames I can determine that the first IP is x amount of miles from me.
The second IP is much closer to me in proximity. This will tell me that these IP addresses are from different cities/states.
However, if both ping back to me in 1.333 minutes, I can assume that both are in the same home, if not on the same street as each other.
I do have 2 computers in my home. They would ping back to the person pinging as being in the same location. I feel sure that the mods would have used this program to determine that ali is in Canada and I am in NY.
As I said, I feel sure that you all know the truth now if you hadnt previously, and I admit that I havent had the need to ping an IP address in over a year, and did so with assistance of the IT department at my place of employment... but I thought this would be a good informational guide for future reference. While it might not be right on the mark as to how pinging works, it is to the best of my memory. Thanks for reading.
Love and Blessings, Sue
Just wanted to share that little tidbit...
I also wanted to elaborate on pinging an IP addess, as I was not as clear as I wanted to be on it. I am not posting this for any other reason than information. I know you all now believe and know that Ali and I are two seperate people-
If 2 of you send me an email and I suspect that they are coming from the same house, I would ping them. You can ping IP's in the dos program. I would ping the first. It would send a signal to the other persons system and then back to my computer. The DOS program will calculate a time in miliseconds (if I remember right) Then I would ping the second IP in the same manner. I would get the time back from the program. By calculation, I can determine the distance of that person from me. Let me use minutes rather than miliseconds to demonstrate with ease:
The first IP takes 5 minutes to ping back
the second will take under 1 minute
By these time frames I can determine that the first IP is x amount of miles from me.
The second IP is much closer to me in proximity. This will tell me that these IP addresses are from different cities/states.
However, if both ping back to me in 1.333 minutes, I can assume that both are in the same home, if not on the same street as each other.
I do have 2 computers in my home. They would ping back to the person pinging as being in the same location. I feel sure that the mods would have used this program to determine that ali is in Canada and I am in NY.
As I said, I feel sure that you all know the truth now if you hadnt previously, and I admit that I havent had the need to ping an IP address in over a year, and did so with assistance of the IT department at my place of employment... but I thought this would be a good informational guide for future reference. While it might not be right on the mark as to how pinging works, it is to the best of my memory. Thanks for reading.
Love and Blessings, Sue
Thanks for sharing....
Belinda
Belinda
Dear Sue Thanks for your input but honest sometimes its better for yourself if you let go of yesterday & start a new day.Do you understand?Ummm I guess I mean yesterday has already been gone try not to hang onto anything that may ruin today for you.....mj
yes I know, I just had to get that off my chest! :)
I totally understand & Im so glad you still feel as if you can do that.After all that is what this board was made for really.a place for us to come & work for recovery.I guess that was my way of trying to cheer you up even alittle....mj
thanks, and you did (do) cheer me up! You are a very upbeat person! :) (((hugs)))
dear sue
i apologize for inferring that you might also be ali. however, that's all it was - one inference. i never mentioned you by name. this was the sum total of what i said, and i quote - "one prolific poster goes silent and a whole new person with a penchant for punching the keyboard emerges."
you immediately seized that as an attack upon you and then proceeded to demonize me. i left for the afternoon to return home and find my name "sweetdaddyroses" plastered all over the board.
i will apologize to you and pray that we can move beyond this. i will also suggest to you, in the future, "if it doesn't apply - let it fly."
sincerely yours,
ron
i apologize for inferring that you might also be ali. however, that's all it was - one inference. i never mentioned you by name. this was the sum total of what i said, and i quote - "one prolific poster goes silent and a whole new person with a penchant for punching the keyboard emerges."
you immediately seized that as an attack upon you and then proceeded to demonize me. i left for the afternoon to return home and find my name "sweetdaddyroses" plastered all over the board.
i will apologize to you and pray that we can move beyond this. i will also suggest to you, in the future, "if it doesn't apply - let it fly."
sincerely yours,
ron
Yes, I did take is as a personal attack as I was the newest member and had been hitting the keys all day.. it was obvious. Its ok.. and yes we can move forward.. I thank you for being honest with me, and caring enough to post back. Love - Sue
Good morning Sue,
I am sorry I wasn't here yesturday for you, I have decided NOT to go back and read the drama that went on, just know I am thinking of you and my prayers are with you.
I have been struggling myself so much lately, I took a couple of vic's ( for my back pain) and then my brain was going crazy wanting more. I found that with my hun gone I was bored and just wanted something to "perk" me up.
He is now home and I am getting ready to go to the airport to pick up my 19 yo who moved away in August. I am so happy, cuz I know I can keep buzy with having my family back..
Just hang in there and do this for you and your family...so what if you are tapering, or cold turkey...do what you feel is right for you.
Take what you need from others post and leave the rest...
Traci
I am sorry I wasn't here yesturday for you, I have decided NOT to go back and read the drama that went on, just know I am thinking of you and my prayers are with you.
I have been struggling myself so much lately, I took a couple of vic's ( for my back pain) and then my brain was going crazy wanting more. I found that with my hun gone I was bored and just wanted something to "perk" me up.
He is now home and I am getting ready to go to the airport to pick up my 19 yo who moved away in August. I am so happy, cuz I know I can keep buzy with having my family back..
Just hang in there and do this for you and your family...so what if you are tapering, or cold turkey...do what you feel is right for you.
Take what you need from others post and leave the rest...
Traci
Hi Traci please remember if you need that extra support the board is here for that reason ok?Enjoy seeing your son....mj
MJ - Is that you?
Thank you Traci... I appreciate it. You must be really happy to have your family home. Both the kids were at school yesterday so I know the empty feeling... my lil guy goes to daycare 2 days a week so he doesnt lose his spot there for when I get back to work- he loves it there. Thanks again! Love, Sue
Hi Kiwi, how are you doing?
Oh yeah was gonna tell you I lived on this keyboard too when I found this site after a day or 2 from not taking methadone.....I to was attacked, but moved on and now take people for how I see them....
just have to remember we all have issues of our own and some are more sensitive then others ( as I am ) so hang in there...
keep up the good work you will get there
Traci
just have to remember we all have issues of our own and some are more sensitive then others ( as I am ) so hang in there...
keep up the good work you will get there
Traci
you guys rock!
