I read an e-mail from an old friend this morning, and she said something, but then said "well, it doesn't matter , thats ancient history anyhow" But the interesting reality is, wehn its brought up, those "feelings" (such a girlee word) are still alive & well & living inur heart. Let me brilliantly expound on what I mean). Several years back, I bumped into an old girlfriend & we were taling about some things, & we mentioned to each other a couple things we had done when we were going out. (We had been broken up over 15 years before, yet had remained friends) Well she goes, "you did that" & I say " You did that" & we could both say by telling these things to each other, we were really upsetting each other, & we stopped. My point is though, that in our memories we both had a cherished thing, & it really hurt , like it was yesterday & we were still in love, even though we weren't. What does this have to do with drugsand recovery?.
Let me divert just a little tiny bit, cause I think it relates. I saw a movie a couple years bac called "An American Story." It's about a white guy who becomes a nazi, or skin head or whatever, ends up in prison & joins the aryan nation, & ends up getting harmed by them & is in the prison hospitol. The guy who comes to visit him is his old English (or mybe history) teacher , from high school, who is blcack. Bottom line, the teacher discusses with him the blind anger and rage that brought him to this point, & his (the teachers ) point (baised on his own life (which resulted in him changing and becoming a good man) is: Yes, this bad thing happened, and there is this unfairness, & you have had this bad break,etc,etc, but her you are now & this stuff is here - but, so what- what are you going to do, because that is the real question & all that matters. It's all there, & you can't change it, but you can choose a good life & not let that stuff handicap you with (in his case) hate.
If this sounds rambeling, I guess I'm just thinking out loud. Hope everyone has a good, clean day, & for all of those suffering with WD's, please endure, cause they do end & life begins.
What an excellent post and I agree totally.
brown,
as I read your post a couple of thoughts came to mind .. first when we make amends for the things that we do while working the steps in the program there is nothing in there that says they have to accept or acknowledge our amends. It is for us to do it and acknowledge our own growth and let it go. Self forgiveness is no small feet for some of us.
Second the past should be seen as a springboard not a hamock. A learning experience if you will. As we grow older and have more life under our belts hopefully with more maturity (the kind that doesnt necessarity come with age but wisdom) we can see new and different perspectives on things. Just as in my active using days I could never really see the effects I was having on others. I thought I was listening and hearing what was being told to me but it wasnt until I had about a month in that I really began to see...
As far as things being history... as the saying goes if we dont learn from history we are destined to repeat it... is that how it goes.?....
It is hard to be reminded of our mistakes but when we work in recovery and try to do what is right... we become a new person and try to forgive ourselves. If we allow those old wounds and guilt too much new space and power it will hurt our new found freedom and our addict demon will try to use that against us.
Now I am rambling...lol..
just my thoughts...
God Bless
teresa
as I read your post a couple of thoughts came to mind .. first when we make amends for the things that we do while working the steps in the program there is nothing in there that says they have to accept or acknowledge our amends. It is for us to do it and acknowledge our own growth and let it go. Self forgiveness is no small feet for some of us.
Second the past should be seen as a springboard not a hamock. A learning experience if you will. As we grow older and have more life under our belts hopefully with more maturity (the kind that doesnt necessarity come with age but wisdom) we can see new and different perspectives on things. Just as in my active using days I could never really see the effects I was having on others. I thought I was listening and hearing what was being told to me but it wasnt until I had about a month in that I really began to see...
As far as things being history... as the saying goes if we dont learn from history we are destined to repeat it... is that how it goes.?....
It is hard to be reminded of our mistakes but when we work in recovery and try to do what is right... we become a new person and try to forgive ourselves. If we allow those old wounds and guilt too much new space and power it will hurt our new found freedom and our addict demon will try to use that against us.
Now I am rambling...lol..
just my thoughts...
God Bless
teresa
Dog,
that was a nice point, and you are so right! That is why I am putting off my fourth step because it brings up the anger and resentments like they happened yesterday. Because I am an eternal escapist, I am just not ready to deal.
I hope that you have a good day...
kerry
that was a nice point, and you are so right! That is why I am putting off my fourth step because it brings up the anger and resentments like they happened yesterday. Because I am an eternal escapist, I am just not ready to deal.
I hope that you have a good day...
kerry
dear browndog -
my sentiments are echoed in the words of sharon and teresa. thank you ladies for sharing.
when i read your message i thought wow - this guy is describing what it was like when i cleaned up and realized how unmanageable my life had become.
how very grateful i am that i was led to a program of recovery that gave me some hope; that gave me a design for living.
there is a solution, my friend. are you making any meetings?
hugs and tons of encouragement to you -
sammy
my sentiments are echoed in the words of sharon and teresa. thank you ladies for sharing.
when i read your message i thought wow - this guy is describing what it was like when i cleaned up and realized how unmanageable my life had become.
how very grateful i am that i was led to a program of recovery that gave me some hope; that gave me a design for living.
there is a solution, my friend. are you making any meetings?
hugs and tons of encouragement to you -
sammy
Hey guys, thanks for the love & the nice posts, i didn't realize i was saying anything so revealing or heavy, just some thinking, mostly that the main impotant thing is , yes this might have happened & this & that, but (in a sense) so what. Where am I now, & what can i do now- cause that what matters most. I'm not saying to deny the past ( I think the saying is : who who doens't learn from history (or his or her past mistakes ) is doomed to repeat it (or soemthing like that).
We have all suffered & been humiliated & oppressed & wrongly accused & hurt and all that other nasty stuff. (Some much more then others, & in my case, when i look at the whole scheem of things, i personaly think i've caught a lot of good breaks, which maybe some good -or at least not totaly bad- decisions might have helped , but mostly it was plain old breaks or luck or fate. Some would say G-d helped, & maybe he did, but when i think too much like that, i then wonder why G-d didn't help some others, unless he tried to & they didn't take it, but thats a whole other discussion) Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is, even if there are unpleasant things in my past, so what. Thats not a legitimate reason to hold me back from anything. I think that was the main point of the movie.
This white guy had had some unpleasant things & unfairness & was filled with anger & hate, & the destructive disease of racism. The black teacher (who this guy was supposed to hate) was genuinely concerned about him & his younger brother. The question he posed to him was, yes this happened & maybe this happened, but so what. The question is do you really want to destroy all the good that is you or do you want to give up the hate that you have learned to love and now, in the present, today, learn to live & stop hating, and to make something of you.
I hope what i said made sense, cause I'm tired & i just got done working about 14 hours.
(by the way, no i haven't been going to meetings. this is about as close as i get. To be honest, i'm sorry to say, i don't usually like em all that much, though sometimes there ok & i get something out of em. I think if i could get involved in some smaller type of group, where there was conversation with cross talk & a group of people who cared, & it wasn't so , well , almost 12 step doctrinal, i think that might be more helpful to me. Sorry.
Stay clean , sober & thanks for the love & concern.
Harry
We have all suffered & been humiliated & oppressed & wrongly accused & hurt and all that other nasty stuff. (Some much more then others, & in my case, when i look at the whole scheem of things, i personaly think i've caught a lot of good breaks, which maybe some good -or at least not totaly bad- decisions might have helped , but mostly it was plain old breaks or luck or fate. Some would say G-d helped, & maybe he did, but when i think too much like that, i then wonder why G-d didn't help some others, unless he tried to & they didn't take it, but thats a whole other discussion) Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is, even if there are unpleasant things in my past, so what. Thats not a legitimate reason to hold me back from anything. I think that was the main point of the movie.
This white guy had had some unpleasant things & unfairness & was filled with anger & hate, & the destructive disease of racism. The black teacher (who this guy was supposed to hate) was genuinely concerned about him & his younger brother. The question he posed to him was, yes this happened & maybe this happened, but so what. The question is do you really want to destroy all the good that is you or do you want to give up the hate that you have learned to love and now, in the present, today, learn to live & stop hating, and to make something of you.
I hope what i said made sense, cause I'm tired & i just got done working about 14 hours.
(by the way, no i haven't been going to meetings. this is about as close as i get. To be honest, i'm sorry to say, i don't usually like em all that much, though sometimes there ok & i get something out of em. I think if i could get involved in some smaller type of group, where there was conversation with cross talk & a group of people who cared, & it wasn't so , well , almost 12 step doctrinal, i think that might be more helpful to me. Sorry.
Stay clean , sober & thanks for the love & concern.
Harry
14 hour days! wow browndog - i bet you are tired. hope you are able to get some rest over the weekend. i know i have a tendency to become a bit off centered when i'm overly tired. being gentle with myself is one area that i had to learn to incorporate in that fine line of "balance" that we all strive for. ut oh - did she say the "b" word?
a little something i have learned in the discovery of my spirit is that i don't want to sit around regretting my past; nor do i want to shut the door on it. let's hope we all can learn the lesssons at hand and take the necessary action to put a remedy to those problems. i don't like living in the pain of my problems, although quite interesting, i now recognize my problems as a sign that if i don't use and put into action what i need to take care of it, i am set free.
as for meetings, there was a time when i would get in my car, drive to the meeting site...up and down the road past the meeting location six or seven times, before i made the decision to pull into the parking lot. i found myself sitting in my car involved in a great debate in my mind...am i going to actually get out of the car and walk inside? once in, i was pleasantly surprised and realized something - usually one something (sometimes two or three if i was paying attention) that i was put there to hear. there were also times when i made the decision to not pull into the parking lot. ;) the thought of connecting with others who were in recovery *face to face* was an onerous task in my mind. it was a way that i kept myself isolated...a way that i inhibited my growth opportunities.
the 12 step message of reccovery program is not found in meetings; however, it is a place where people who have found this message of recovery can go and share that message with the still suffering. i love small meetings and recovery groups. the first 18 months of recovery, i combined an intensive outpatient treatment of about 8 -10 people along with the 12 step meetings i attended. have you ever considered an outpatient group?
namaste'
sammy
a little something i have learned in the discovery of my spirit is that i don't want to sit around regretting my past; nor do i want to shut the door on it. let's hope we all can learn the lesssons at hand and take the necessary action to put a remedy to those problems. i don't like living in the pain of my problems, although quite interesting, i now recognize my problems as a sign that if i don't use and put into action what i need to take care of it, i am set free.
as for meetings, there was a time when i would get in my car, drive to the meeting site...up and down the road past the meeting location six or seven times, before i made the decision to pull into the parking lot. i found myself sitting in my car involved in a great debate in my mind...am i going to actually get out of the car and walk inside? once in, i was pleasantly surprised and realized something - usually one something (sometimes two or three if i was paying attention) that i was put there to hear. there were also times when i made the decision to not pull into the parking lot. ;) the thought of connecting with others who were in recovery *face to face* was an onerous task in my mind. it was a way that i kept myself isolated...a way that i inhibited my growth opportunities.
the 12 step message of reccovery program is not found in meetings; however, it is a place where people who have found this message of recovery can go and share that message with the still suffering. i love small meetings and recovery groups. the first 18 months of recovery, i combined an intensive outpatient treatment of about 8 -10 people along with the 12 step meetings i attended. have you ever considered an outpatient group?
namaste'
sammy
Sammy, point well said & well taken. You have an excellent way with words (i was an English teacher a long time ago-even thoug I can't spell worth a darn.) u r probably right about that isolation thing. I was in an outpatient program for about a month - but i stopped. three reasons: 1) I couldn't afford it (2) 1/2 of the session was run by a counselor who had no business counseling (the other one was excellent (3) almost everyone in there (except a couple people) had to be there because to keep their job, medical lic., etc & sometimes it was very artificaial & outright untrue- for example , there was 1 guy in there who had a dirty from using coke over the weekend. He wass caught at a random drug test at work & it was go to rehab or loose ur job. So here he is, day after day, saying he's an addict (to not make waves) & everyone , (except maybe the counselors) knew it wasn't true. I have a tough time dealing with that kind of BS.
Thanks for the good advice.
Thanks for the good advice.
Brown Dog..14 days? Wow, little steps, huge accomplishments. Way to go. I really like what you wrote..I had some time to think about all of my "past hurts" and of those that I have hurt..man, too many to count. I hate this part of my recovery. I see more and more now, that I have to let go. If I hold on to this, it starts to poison my well being. I'm just not very good at it.
Again, getting this far is so wonderful and I'm very happy for you.
Cowgirl
Again, getting this far is so wonderful and I'm very happy for you.
Cowgirl
Honestly, those outpatient groups are really important. It is a little deeper therapy that meetings sometimes, you really can't hide in those groups.
I do that too, sammy, and everytime I go when I REALLY don't want to, I usually hear the clearest message....
The other day, I talked about relapse, and hated myself because I just didn't get it..but I found that with opiates, it is hard...
I think there is alot more healing time for the brain than anyone told me..
or, maybe, I am just permantly stuck this way...SCARY THOUGHT..LOL..
dog, way to go on the days....you've done the hardest part..
I do that too, sammy, and everytime I go when I REALLY don't want to, I usually hear the clearest message....
The other day, I talked about relapse, and hated myself because I just didn't get it..but I found that with opiates, it is hard...
I think there is alot more healing time for the brain than anyone told me..
or, maybe, I am just permantly stuck this way...SCARY THOUGHT..LOL..
dog, way to go on the days....you've done the hardest part..
