I have come to realize that anger is a major cause/seed/trigger of my rebellious personality and my anti-authoritarian nature. My wife thinks I need 'anger management', and maybe I do. But I believe (like many other things) she simply does not understand my anger. THIS IS DIFFICULT TO COMMUNICATE- FOR I am sure there are many who think I am just rationalizing & therefore justifying my anger.
The truth is,, my justifyable anger is justifyable. Sometimes I respond in ways I regret- for society would think my reactions are not appropriate. But the things I regret is when I over-react to something someone said or did. When that happens I try my best to find the person and apologize. (BY THE WAY, THAT IS A RARE OCCURANCE AND DOR THE MOST pArt I can only think of having done this while sleep deprived, havning been on amphetamines or provigil for several says <no excuse, just an explanation that that type of anger is not my charchter>)
THE ANGER I AM TALKING ABOUT IS THE ANGER I FEEL WHEN THOSE IN AUTHORITY MISUSE OR ABUSE MYSELF AND OTHERS.
A couple quick examples throughout my life: When a company u work for, and at least partially due to the hard work the salemen have done, dramatically increases its profits and grows. Since it is doing so well it increases its profits even more by lowering sales commissions. Almost anyone who has been in sales has experienced ths is one way or another.
When a staff member at a detox unit gets unnecessarily bossy, and abuses his/her authority. (I am not talking about a mistake that anyone can make oncein a while - I am talking about continuous attitude.)
When drug addicts are not believed about anything as a matter of principal - especially by untrained staff (clerical & other). I am not talking about the obvious (I have no idea why my urine tested positive for cocaine, benzos, narcotics, amphetamines & barbituates --maybe it's because I hAD A POPPY SEED BAGLE AND DRANK AN energy drink). But when say you lost your job for whatever reason- and without even knowing the details, they automatically believe u lost it because of using drugs.
I get extreme angry (and mind boggled) when the former US president . who I honestly believed was a good moral man -has a law passed that anyone who has a drug conviction, can not get college loans or grants unless they have completed a drug rehab proram. A murderer, rapist, child molester and any other criminal is entitled to governent financial aid, but not some kid who got busted sharing a joint- unless he goes for rehab. At first blush, this seems mindless. But it is hypocritical discrimination against the working poor and middle class. Bush was a coke head. I'm not sure what kinds of financial aid are available to millionairs, but it does not matter, for mom and dad can easily pay for it. But a forcing a drug rehab program on a working family can be quite costly. According to the way the law is supposed to work, when a person is convicted of a crime (taking a hit of weed) when he finished his sentence HE PAID HIS DEBT TO SOCIETY. But with this law, this terrible criminal is forced into rehab, if he wants college aid. What brings this beyond dictatorial hypocricy, is the inanity of the law. Not everyone who smokes pot or does another drug is an addict (like it seems our former president may well have been.)
This may seem (if anyone has gotten this far) wAY BEYOND THE PERSONALIZATION OF MY ANGER.
Well, without getting anymore details, this frustration against people who unfairly mistreat me or others, is something I have never found a way to legitimately deal with. I have tried all kinds of ways, ranging from speaking out directly to a boss, or (during some of my BA Christian days, instantly forgiving them (ha) which ment no more then repressing my rage, trying to make up justifyable reasons for their actions, getting back at a place by 'going bankrupt' (boy that really hurt them) and on & on. For many years I medicated this issue away and was mostly able to tell myself thats the way things were. I remember one place, it would get so abusive, that during lunch or dinner or whatever, I would drive about 15 minutes away, go to a sor of friends house whose girl was a nurse, have her inject a couple bags ,& go back to work. Insane, of course,But $36. covered my office visit, meds & company all at once.
Anger at unjustifable things is something I need to work on. But I have learned I can't ignore it, deny it, forget about it, pray it away, wish it away, or solve it. I know, I know, the serentiy prayer. And I thin there is a hint there. I must start doing something about the things I can do.
FINally, THIS WHOLE THING GOES BACK TO MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD. MY MOTHER WAS VERY ABUSIVE TO MY BROTHERS, FATHER AND MYSELF. We were helpless. When we would try to get our father to unerstand what was going on and protect us, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, BACKED HERE UP AND her treatment of us was terrible - our calls for help were unanswered- she was our mother and had to be respectd.
Hey Browndog,
Great to see you posting--love your posts man.
Couple of things pop in my head when I think about anger--the first is, is it really anger I am feeling. I mean for me feeling identification and expression falls under advanced human development, kind of like astro-physics, or linear geometry. They are so complex, and so varied and so many.
Couple that with addiction reducing the brain's process to it's most animalistic state, and you get left with 2 right, angry and rageful.
Easy does it brother, remember the addict mind--the portion of your mind created by wide open gates and depleted dopamine receptors is creating thoughts, emotions and scenarios so that you will feed it, it is doing what ever it can to get you to feed it. Period, it has no clue on right or wrong or appropriate, it is not deep and can not sort higher brain function like love, and joy and peace, and understanding and compassion and the interest of others,
It knows that if you get angry enough, you will feed it, old trick...
1. First lesson I learned--I'm not angry, not really...but if I stay in a false state of anger long enough, I will get high.
2. Second--did I want to be clean or justified, I mean I think of the great punks Like Sid Vicious that died angry, nothing wrong with it, is certainly a path one can take, right?
The question is not am I angry, the question is do I want to be?
peace
Great to see you posting--love your posts man.
Couple of things pop in my head when I think about anger--the first is, is it really anger I am feeling. I mean for me feeling identification and expression falls under advanced human development, kind of like astro-physics, or linear geometry. They are so complex, and so varied and so many.
Couple that with addiction reducing the brain's process to it's most animalistic state, and you get left with 2 right, angry and rageful.
Easy does it brother, remember the addict mind--the portion of your mind created by wide open gates and depleted dopamine receptors is creating thoughts, emotions and scenarios so that you will feed it, it is doing what ever it can to get you to feed it. Period, it has no clue on right or wrong or appropriate, it is not deep and can not sort higher brain function like love, and joy and peace, and understanding and compassion and the interest of others,
It knows that if you get angry enough, you will feed it, old trick...
1. First lesson I learned--I'm not angry, not really...but if I stay in a false state of anger long enough, I will get high.
2. Second--did I want to be clean or justified, I mean I think of the great punks Like Sid Vicious that died angry, nothing wrong with it, is certainly a path one can take, right?
The question is not am I angry, the question is do I want to be?
peace
Dead, good to hear from u & some good questions. Am I angry, (and)or do I want tobe. I guess the real question is -Do I want to be. If the answer is yes is it only a trick so I can end up getting high. If the answerr is no, what kind of man am I, who does not care about those in powe abusing those they have power over. My emotions overflow with frtration and I often filled with rage and frusration as there seems to be no resolution. It seems that modt sctions I take (ignoring,repressing, eitheriaing <WITH DRUGS>, confronting, lead me to the same place they did when I was a kid: To MY own harm and basically being told it is my fault. The only answer I can come u[ with is I mus come up with anger.
This leads to another part of me (skepticism what can I do) <self doubt, what cam I do> (the ability to never finish anything -I have c0me to the point of never starting anything)
When I got out of detox a few days ago I was optimistic, and fillled with hope. It was no BS euphoria, but REAL EPIPHINY LIKE OCCURANCE. I saw a future, and hope and for the first time & as far back as I remember I was looking forward to life.
All my wife could see was that I was acting vrry 'TIRED' . i WAS like I had been not to far back, when I would not sleep a few days & every couple weeks I would get delerious, finally passing out into an asleep awake thing, where I would scream throughout the night She will not believethis is not what is going on and I have allowed he reactions to harm my attitude.
:ater dude.
This leads to another part of me (skepticism what can I do) <self doubt, what cam I do> (the ability to never finish anything -I have c0me to the point of never starting anything)
When I got out of detox a few days ago I was optimistic, and fillled with hope. It was no BS euphoria, but REAL EPIPHINY LIKE OCCURANCE. I saw a future, and hope and for the first time & as far back as I remember I was looking forward to life.
All my wife could see was that I was acting vrry 'TIRED' . i WAS like I had been not to far back, when I would not sleep a few days & every couple weeks I would get delerious, finally passing out into an asleep awake thing, where I would scream throughout the night She will not believethis is not what is going on and I have allowed he reactions to harm my attitude.
:ater dude.
Deep thoughts
The past, as Tim would say you can look but dont stare.
And todays injustice, and prejudice and things that seem way to sick and twisted or just downright unfair. We take a stand, show our hearts, dare to feel and well perspective everything needs perspective.
I remember being told you can get angry all you want but if arent going to do anything to make a change well why waste the time
That brings up more than a few interesting things to ponder.
Harry you ponder with the best of themand Ive noticed over the years that a lot of your past bugs you.mine did for a long time, to damn longoh hell it did serve me well, I let it knowinglyhow cool premeditated self destruction, but then we are our own worst enemies ;)
You got a brand new start, againMake it count, remove the bullsh*t, make peace with the past knowing full well there are no answers now as time removed the chance to make it make senseand even with the answers, it just brings up more damn questionswhat an insane run around.
Be you, it is ok
Dont feed off of anothers perception, or insinuation of who you are
Pay attention to where you might want to defend yourself, usually that anger is us masking what hits a bit to close to home
And enjoy the day, being present in it knowing that all possibilities start right there
The past, as Tim would say you can look but dont stare.
And todays injustice, and prejudice and things that seem way to sick and twisted or just downright unfair. We take a stand, show our hearts, dare to feel and well perspective everything needs perspective.
I remember being told you can get angry all you want but if arent going to do anything to make a change well why waste the time
That brings up more than a few interesting things to ponder.
Harry you ponder with the best of themand Ive noticed over the years that a lot of your past bugs you.mine did for a long time, to damn longoh hell it did serve me well, I let it knowinglyhow cool premeditated self destruction, but then we are our own worst enemies ;)
You got a brand new start, againMake it count, remove the bullsh*t, make peace with the past knowing full well there are no answers now as time removed the chance to make it make senseand even with the answers, it just brings up more damn questionswhat an insane run around.
Be you, it is ok
Dont feed off of anothers perception, or insinuation of who you are
Pay attention to where you might want to defend yourself, usually that anger is us masking what hits a bit to close to home
And enjoy the day, being present in it knowing that all possibilities start right there
Thanks Misty, ur words are wise and true and valuable to me- on top of that I think I have met someone who spells nearly as poorly as me (LOL)
A lot of what u obseerve and practice urself r things I too have concluded and at this point resolved as best I could. When I ponder the past, I try to do it within a context of how it can help me now. I usually don't get much out of the "poor me" bit.
I have forgivin my mother as best I can (at this point) and I think I am getting better at forgiving her dayly. In many ways the things she did can not be justifyable - but I think a lot can be more easily understood if I consider that her life as a child must have been intolerable.
Also (this may sound crazy) but she was a good person who taught me high ideals ,treating other people with decency, and being a complete (if there is such a word) unracist. The same person I learned ideals from is the same person who (to say it nicely) would have done well to consider how her own actions affected the family.
Your point is well taken, if u r not going to do anything about unfair practices occuring,,,, why waiste ur time an energy being angry?
Well, I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I am a very lazy person....Or I guess I could always blame one of my dogs or the 6 cats we have; or maybe be like a politician and say I have to prioritize , and at this point I have to make sure I am entirely caught up on South Park re-runs. As far as I know I've seen them all 3 or 4 or 5 times or so- but it is possible I missed one.
But seriously, I do need to come up with some life planning. I need to seriously consider the best way for me to deal with my gut and long term actions and reactions with mean spirited people who abuse their power over me and others. I also need to learn how to deal with myself as far as the way loved ones behave toward me and things they say- especially when I know they are wrong--but any explanation comes out sounding like denial ora rationalization.
Along the same vane (sp? vain, vein) is when a family member says something and u simply don't know if they are right or wrong. The worse of all is was crap spreads thru my family (usually by the same source) and I am made out to be a potentially very bad person for something I would never even consider doing.But that is another whole story. I am going out for a cigarette (I've worked my way down to Pall Mall which are $.00 a pack) and to do some more pondering.
A lot of what u obseerve and practice urself r things I too have concluded and at this point resolved as best I could. When I ponder the past, I try to do it within a context of how it can help me now. I usually don't get much out of the "poor me" bit.
I have forgivin my mother as best I can (at this point) and I think I am getting better at forgiving her dayly. In many ways the things she did can not be justifyable - but I think a lot can be more easily understood if I consider that her life as a child must have been intolerable.
Also (this may sound crazy) but she was a good person who taught me high ideals ,treating other people with decency, and being a complete (if there is such a word) unracist. The same person I learned ideals from is the same person who (to say it nicely) would have done well to consider how her own actions affected the family.
Your point is well taken, if u r not going to do anything about unfair practices occuring,,,, why waiste ur time an energy being angry?
Well, I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I am a very lazy person....Or I guess I could always blame one of my dogs or the 6 cats we have; or maybe be like a politician and say I have to prioritize , and at this point I have to make sure I am entirely caught up on South Park re-runs. As far as I know I've seen them all 3 or 4 or 5 times or so- but it is possible I missed one.
But seriously, I do need to come up with some life planning. I need to seriously consider the best way for me to deal with my gut and long term actions and reactions with mean spirited people who abuse their power over me and others. I also need to learn how to deal with myself as far as the way loved ones behave toward me and things they say- especially when I know they are wrong--but any explanation comes out sounding like denial ora rationalization.
Along the same vane (sp? vain, vein) is when a family member says something and u simply don't know if they are right or wrong. The worse of all is was crap spreads thru my family (usually by the same source) and I am made out to be a potentially very bad person for something I would never even consider doing.But that is another whole story. I am going out for a cigarette (I've worked my way down to Pall Mall which are $.00 a pack) and to do some more pondering.
Hey Now,
I really believe for me that the process of living drug free, without the cloak of drugs boils down to this. maybe it is to simple an approach.
The powerlessness expressed in step 1 for me is the ambivalence toward using, my experience is my mind will never, or at least to this point ever come to a concrete conclusion on using, it goes beyond rational, it will flip flop forever.
The sanity of the second step is when i use an external power to come to the conclusion that in spite of the ongoing ambivalence in mind, I elect not to use, despite it's rage. That power I understand can be anything, this board, a friend, meetings, a therapist, a wife, kids, clergy the list is endless, the thing I found that is important it I believe it works, based on actual results.
if what you are relying on to remain clean, and you want to be clean, is not working, I now believe you need to find something different, I think all to often we are so quick to think, I did something wrong, because I used. Not my experience. I for one am a guy who used even when I did not want to, even when i thought I was doing all I could.
Some times finding the right way to treat your disease is complicated, long suffering, I think the one thing you need is hope, i really don't see a difference between addiction and say cancer, I mean no one wants either, but we find ourselves with it. I think you either say f*** it I'm dying and medicate to the end, or you try every everything you can, more mri's, more chemo, more medicine, more whatever. But through it all you Hope, you Hope this will work.
And you either decide this is going ruin my day, or I will enjoy every moment until I go. This choice is yours and yours alone, no one makes t for me, and I make millions a time a day.
Which leads to the 3rd step we make a decision, to listen to the side of the internal argument between use and not use, just for right now I will choose not use and more importantly I know that the choice to not use will bring me to a place I desire to go, beyond all the anger, hurt, loss, regret...
Those three reality's make living without dope possible for this cat, for this day..I can then sift through the billions of things this world offers to bring me pleasure, because I love pleasure.
peace.
I really believe for me that the process of living drug free, without the cloak of drugs boils down to this. maybe it is to simple an approach.
The powerlessness expressed in step 1 for me is the ambivalence toward using, my experience is my mind will never, or at least to this point ever come to a concrete conclusion on using, it goes beyond rational, it will flip flop forever.
The sanity of the second step is when i use an external power to come to the conclusion that in spite of the ongoing ambivalence in mind, I elect not to use, despite it's rage. That power I understand can be anything, this board, a friend, meetings, a therapist, a wife, kids, clergy the list is endless, the thing I found that is important it I believe it works, based on actual results.
if what you are relying on to remain clean, and you want to be clean, is not working, I now believe you need to find something different, I think all to often we are so quick to think, I did something wrong, because I used. Not my experience. I for one am a guy who used even when I did not want to, even when i thought I was doing all I could.
Some times finding the right way to treat your disease is complicated, long suffering, I think the one thing you need is hope, i really don't see a difference between addiction and say cancer, I mean no one wants either, but we find ourselves with it. I think you either say f*** it I'm dying and medicate to the end, or you try every everything you can, more mri's, more chemo, more medicine, more whatever. But through it all you Hope, you Hope this will work.
And you either decide this is going ruin my day, or I will enjoy every moment until I go. This choice is yours and yours alone, no one makes t for me, and I make millions a time a day.
Which leads to the 3rd step we make a decision, to listen to the side of the internal argument between use and not use, just for right now I will choose not use and more importantly I know that the choice to not use will bring me to a place I desire to go, beyond all the anger, hurt, loss, regret...
Those three reality's make living without dope possible for this cat, for this day..I can then sift through the billions of things this world offers to bring me pleasure, because I love pleasure.
peace.
yes, pleasure is sure pleasurable - I think even a fundamentalist minister would have to agree with that one.
Hey Now,
Complications---->a concurrent disease, accident, or adverse reaction that aggravates the original disease.
I was googling today and this word came into my spirit, if you will.
then I googled around and found complications for every known disease , diabetes, cancer, gall stones, you name complications are real.
Man does addiction recovery get filled with complications/
Here are some I have experienced, more an adverse reaction that aggravates the original disease.
patient: Joe
original diagnosis: addiction
complications;---Job loss. parenthood, getting money, losing money, sex, lack of sex, childhood issues, relationships, health issues,my job, credit score, debt, spiritual doubt, hate, abuse, loss of a loved one. tickets, fines and court costs, probation, meetings, lack of meetings, people at meetings. sponsorship, world affairs, personal affairs, cost of medicine, pain, lack of energy, the search for quick fixes,gambling,low self esteem, Church, church folks, politics, sports, music, literature, parties, bars, dealers, credit cards, natural disasters.
treatment plan---do not take dope, share with anyone who will listen, love thy neighbor.
Oh and blast this tune:
The Jam: Move on Up. (originally done by the one and only Curtis Mayfield)
Hush now child and don't you cry
Your folks might understand you by and by
Move on up towards your destination
You may find from time to time
Complications
Bight your lip and take a trip
Though there may be wet road ahead
You cannot slip
So move on up and peace you will find
Into the steeple of beautiful people
Where there's only one kind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7Lt...feature=related
Happy Wed.
Complications---->a concurrent disease, accident, or adverse reaction that aggravates the original disease.
I was googling today and this word came into my spirit, if you will.
then I googled around and found complications for every known disease , diabetes, cancer, gall stones, you name complications are real.
Man does addiction recovery get filled with complications/
Here are some I have experienced, more an adverse reaction that aggravates the original disease.
patient: Joe
original diagnosis: addiction
complications;---Job loss. parenthood, getting money, losing money, sex, lack of sex, childhood issues, relationships, health issues,my job, credit score, debt, spiritual doubt, hate, abuse, loss of a loved one. tickets, fines and court costs, probation, meetings, lack of meetings, people at meetings. sponsorship, world affairs, personal affairs, cost of medicine, pain, lack of energy, the search for quick fixes,gambling,low self esteem, Church, church folks, politics, sports, music, literature, parties, bars, dealers, credit cards, natural disasters.
treatment plan---do not take dope, share with anyone who will listen, love thy neighbor.
Oh and blast this tune:
The Jam: Move on Up. (originally done by the one and only Curtis Mayfield)
Hush now child and don't you cry
Your folks might understand you by and by
Move on up towards your destination
You may find from time to time
Complications
Bight your lip and take a trip
Though there may be wet road ahead
You cannot slip
So move on up and peace you will find
Into the steeple of beautiful people
Where there's only one kind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7Lt...feature=related
Happy Wed.
