My son called today, from a borrowed phone, in a big city, out of state, and wanting to return to our city. I know being in that city is bad news, dangerous, and he will end up in jail, in the hospital, or something worse.... so I paid for his train ticket back. (not to my house, I won't allow that). a few hours later, I get a call from a security guard, in another big city, halfway home. He got off the train, was "sick" in the bathroom, missed the train, an now needed a bus ticket. I asked the security guard if he was "dope sick", and he said "no", but I don't believe it. But, I paid for a bus ticket back to our town... because nothing good happens in the big city for him. It is so difficult. Am I enabling to buy him a bus and/or train ticket to come back to a somewhat safer environment? Part of me feels like I should have said "no", I'm not helping, but.... if he gets himself killed in a big city (which, based on his past incidents of being beaten with a metal post, breaking his femur, ending up in the hospital multiple times, etc... is a very real possibility) and I didn't help him come home, how would I live with that? It just breaks my heart.
Sombra,
So sorry to hear this. I am really sorry you were in this position. Is it enabling? I don't know-probably. But, when I read your post, I was afraid for him. I have to admit, I probably would have done the same thing. I can understand why you did this. Has he done this before? Do you think he will just head back to the city?
So hard to love an addict that is so addicted. Hugs to you.
So sorry to hear this. I am really sorry you were in this position. Is it enabling? I don't know-probably. But, when I read your post, I was afraid for him. I have to admit, I probably would have done the same thing. I can understand why you did this. Has he done this before? Do you think he will just head back to the city?
So hard to love an addict that is so addicted. Hugs to you.
So, today he contacts me to tell me how he needs help, but has every excuse in the book not to go to into treatment, go to a meeting, get mental health help. Then, after realizing I'm not going to give him money, or give in to his pleas for sympathy, he asks me to buy him a train ticket back to where he came from yesterday. Seriously. I am enabling by bringing him back, because he knows I will always help him come back to our smaller town, but I realize that doesn't help. He might think harder about going to the bigger cities if he doesn't believe I will bring him home. Shame on me for giving in yesterday. It is so hard to know what to do. It is hard to be strong and say "no", but today I was sucked back into his endless drama, misery, and pain. I am jumping right back off that train, and letting him figure it out. I will "let go" and let my higher power take this weight off of me.
I have been in similar situation. There are clear incidents of enabling. And, then there are times when we have to judge a little gray area. I generally have ended up getting burned, as well. Awhile ago my son came to me saying he wanted to change. Instead of playing it cool and listening to others, I jumped in 100%. He basically burned me almost immediately.
I guess it is the nature of addiction. Detaching is a process. We live and learn. I think you had the right intention. And, now you know the outcome. So, you make a change. Don't beat yourself up! Like I said, I could see myself doing the same thing.
I guess it is the nature of addiction. Detaching is a process. We live and learn. I think you had the right intention. And, now you know the outcome. So, you make a change. Don't beat yourself up! Like I said, I could see myself doing the same thing.
Sombra--
You gave me the idea to set a 6 month break period from my addicted son and it has been 1 month with no contact. I gave him the no contact order and told him if he was clean and getting his life in order in Jan. 2018 I would talk to him then.
It was necessary for me and my family to get my life back. He was so verbally abusive and getting more physical. I do not know where he is or how he is. I do know that I can finally breathe again and sleep at night. I still think about him but I know God has this and I have given my son to God because he was His in the first place --not mine. He is in control --not me!
I don't think what you did wasn't something most of us moms would have done under the circumstances. I would just consider it a bump in the road and a learning experience and move on. Now you know nothing has changed and can not get sucked in again.
Frankly-- it doesn't matter where they live because when they are on drugs they can get in trouble anywhere and under any circumstances. My son ended up all over the country and in places I never ever knew he even had any acquaintnances. Always wanted help getting home only to turn around after we did that and go to heaven knows where again!
I pray for your strength and for your son too!
((HUGS))) Lori
You gave me the idea to set a 6 month break period from my addicted son and it has been 1 month with no contact. I gave him the no contact order and told him if he was clean and getting his life in order in Jan. 2018 I would talk to him then.
It was necessary for me and my family to get my life back. He was so verbally abusive and getting more physical. I do not know where he is or how he is. I do know that I can finally breathe again and sleep at night. I still think about him but I know God has this and I have given my son to God because he was His in the first place --not mine. He is in control --not me!
I don't think what you did wasn't something most of us moms would have done under the circumstances. I would just consider it a bump in the road and a learning experience and move on. Now you know nothing has changed and can not get sucked in again.
Frankly-- it doesn't matter where they live because when they are on drugs they can get in trouble anywhere and under any circumstances. My son ended up all over the country and in places I never ever knew he even had any acquaintnances. Always wanted help getting home only to turn around after we did that and go to heaven knows where again!
I pray for your strength and for your son too!
((HUGS))) Lori
It's one thing knowing their out there doing drugs, but it's another thing knowing their in a bad place doing the drugs. Now I'd let him find his own way back to the city. You've brought him to safety if he doesn't stay in the safer place, it's on him. You did only what a mother would have done. I would have done the same. Take care and don't beat yourself up over this. Mary.
Sombra
Yes you are enabling him. He's just going to keep doing this and when he gets stuck out of town, out of state he will call you and know you will feel sorry for him and buy a ticket. Next time he calls your for ANYTHING you say no. I know it's hard. My ex husband played me for the last five years because he knows I'm a good person. He plays his parents. He plays his kids. His siblings. His other ex wife he plays her to get time to see the kids when she knows he doesn't deserve it.
As hard as it is to say it or think it - if he ends up killing himself or getting killed because of this then that's what happens. It's not your fault if he dies because of this or ends up in the hospital. He chose this. He chooses to behave this way. You aren't to blame.
I think about when my daughter is older and I hope that she doesn't ever use drugs or drink or anything. She's going to be on medication for the rest of her life so I hope she doesn't because if she just tries anything once it might kill her. But if my daughter EVER acts like her father did in high school or anyone I read about on here I'm not having it. I'm not going to do what his parents did. I'm not going to do what I did with him. If she ever gets arrested, she better hope they take her to jail first. If she were to ever be with anyone drinking and driving, for example, or she did it I already know what I'll do. I'll take her to the ER and show her what happens when you do that and see if I can take her to the morgue and show her what happens to people who drink and drive or use drugs or whatever.
I know it's hard especially when it's your kid. But he's an adult right? He has to learn there are consequences for his actions. I learned the hard way with my ex husband - honestly he turned into it was like I was raising another kid on top of our daughter. I felt like his mother for the last few years and not like a wife or partner. So I'm working to stick to my guns with him and if his family won't do it that I can't control. I can control my life and my daughter's that's it.
You can only control your life. You can't control his. But if you keep buying him train tickets when he calls you stranded somewhere, it's never going to end. You need to put you first.
Yes you are enabling him. He's just going to keep doing this and when he gets stuck out of town, out of state he will call you and know you will feel sorry for him and buy a ticket. Next time he calls your for ANYTHING you say no. I know it's hard. My ex husband played me for the last five years because he knows I'm a good person. He plays his parents. He plays his kids. His siblings. His other ex wife he plays her to get time to see the kids when she knows he doesn't deserve it.
As hard as it is to say it or think it - if he ends up killing himself or getting killed because of this then that's what happens. It's not your fault if he dies because of this or ends up in the hospital. He chose this. He chooses to behave this way. You aren't to blame.
I think about when my daughter is older and I hope that she doesn't ever use drugs or drink or anything. She's going to be on medication for the rest of her life so I hope she doesn't because if she just tries anything once it might kill her. But if my daughter EVER acts like her father did in high school or anyone I read about on here I'm not having it. I'm not going to do what his parents did. I'm not going to do what I did with him. If she ever gets arrested, she better hope they take her to jail first. If she were to ever be with anyone drinking and driving, for example, or she did it I already know what I'll do. I'll take her to the ER and show her what happens when you do that and see if I can take her to the morgue and show her what happens to people who drink and drive or use drugs or whatever.
I know it's hard especially when it's your kid. But he's an adult right? He has to learn there are consequences for his actions. I learned the hard way with my ex husband - honestly he turned into it was like I was raising another kid on top of our daughter. I felt like his mother for the last few years and not like a wife or partner. So I'm working to stick to my guns with him and if his family won't do it that I can't control. I can control my life and my daughter's that's it.
You can only control your life. You can't control his. But if you keep buying him train tickets when he calls you stranded somewhere, it's never going to end. You need to put you first.
sombra - think of it as a relapse. you relapsed. it happens to me and my husband too. our son is working but spends his $$ before the next paycheck. he keeps saying it is for gas and food and cigs - I know he is spending on the street. this week I gave him $25 for gas to get thru a few days until payday. we discussed that I will help him manage his $$ --- when he got paid. (I will spare the details) of course he says he will pay me back. I could take the $ from his account, but I want HIM to give it to me. I want HIM to participate. on payday I texted him that we need to get together to discuss his budget (pay his loan, divide his $ so he has enough for 2nd week) ...... no response.....
so now I wont hear from him for a week, until he runs out of money. he is not violent or aggressive, so it is harder to say no.
Of course we want him to get to work, we cant let him run out of gas!...... yes, we could... but we don't.... I hate this situation. I hate the time I waste thinking about it. I don't want to be part of it.... yet, when he is standing in front of me I cant say no......
he burned me out of $100 the week before..... so, like the rest of you, I need to say NO.
I'm really sad this week, almost crying at work, every week I am hopeful he will change and then I realize he does not.
He said he would go to Dr for meds, but has not made any attempt. :(
I'm thinking of going to NA meetings again.
so now I wont hear from him for a week, until he runs out of money. he is not violent or aggressive, so it is harder to say no.
Of course we want him to get to work, we cant let him run out of gas!...... yes, we could... but we don't.... I hate this situation. I hate the time I waste thinking about it. I don't want to be part of it.... yet, when he is standing in front of me I cant say no......
he burned me out of $100 the week before..... so, like the rest of you, I need to say NO.
I'm really sad this week, almost crying at work, every week I am hopeful he will change and then I realize he does not.
He said he would go to Dr for meds, but has not made any attempt. :(
I'm thinking of going to NA meetings again.
NY, That's awful what you've been through. I had no idea you had 2 kids on drugs. Sorry to hear this. Such a worry. Take care. Mary.
ps - I meant - I'm thinking of going to NarAnon meetings again. (not NA)
My daughter has been in remission for about 4 years.
My daughter has been in remission for about 4 years.
Thanks everyone. it is so hard, and I appreciate everyone's input. I felt like I jumped right back on his roller coaster when I bought the tickets, and I can now see how much calmer my life was a few weeks ago, when I was on my self imposed break from his drama. So, I'm again letting go of him and his poor choices, and going back to taking care of myself and my little ones (my son's children that my husband and I adopted).
He will figure it out, or he won't, but I have to let go and let God. It is not something I have control over.
Thanks again,
Sombra
He will figure it out, or he won't, but I have to let go and let God. It is not something I have control over.
Thanks again,
Sombra
