Hello, all..
My son is a different kid. He has been in treatment for a month. He is my boy again-talking to me, playing cards, laughing...respectful. He calls me on the phone, looks me in the eye, smiles at me, hugs me, tells me he loves me, asks me questions about my self. I am appreciating every single minute. As you know, he has been a drug-fueled nightmare before this-mean, agitated, out-of-control. When he went in, he seemed more animal than human in some weird way.
He gets out in a week or so...I think I have PTSD! The emotions do not match what is even going on. I looked up the signs of PTSD and I really think I have it.
Every time someone mentions that I have no control over the outcome, my throat locks up. In our last family meeting, a counselor was giving some tips related to the serenity prayer. She said, "This can be for if the dark times return" but it was very light-hearted discussion. I was so embarrassed because I started to cry. I had to leave the room and had an almost panic attack in the restroom. I am having constant nightmares and cannot sleep. I dream that my son is dead, that people are chasing us... My fear revolves around losing him. I am absolutely terrified of him closing off again. And, I know I have zero control.
I am snapping at people involved in his school and legal issues. I feel this incredible and unjustified anger. I really feel like I need to quarantine myself from these people, because I feel so hostile towards them. I think I feel as if they are a threat to him/me/us (which is not true-he did this and he needs to accept responsibility for mending it). I told his Dad that he must deal with these people for awhile because I am just feeling not clear-headed.
I have been hiding this from everyone, because 1. the fear is so intense and 2. I know I need to use the serenity prayer and I need to get myself together, but seem to cry very easily lately. Having trouble with work.
The closer it gets to his discharge date, the worse this anxiety is getting. I see something that reminds of his darkest time, and I completely sob. When I go to visit him now, I feel so much panic if anyone mentions discharge. I feel like I only have x number of days that I am guaranteed to have my son. Then, I may lose him. Of course, I hide all this from everyone because it seems so ridiculous. We were playing a game during visiting hours, laughing and joking. The staff person told me it was time to leave (visiting hours over) and I literally almost panicked. My son gave me a genuine hug and said he loved me. I didn't want to let him go. This is not normal.
Sigh....I am just sharing this to make myself feel better. And, because I cannot tell anyone here. I know all the right things in my head. And, I keep trying to get myself together. Thanks for listening, everyone. I try to tell myself that I had a great month, here. And, that he sounds good and may be okay...
Like I said, thanks for listening to this traumatized mamma.
parenting - sorry about the anxiety. it is understandable. you have had a respite, and now might be back in the nightmare to deal with alone again. reinforce what you have taught yourself in the past year. get your husband on the same page with boundaries when your son comes home. keep up the new support system you have found. good to pass some stuff on to your husband.
Parenting,
My heart goes out to you and I can relate to you on so many levels. My son also recently was discharged from rehab and I really wish I could send a private message because some things I wish to share, I don't wish to share with the entire world. The feelings and terror and anxiety and hysteria you describe are exactly how I felt and behaved when my son was in active addiction. I absolutely know I was traumatized. I think I may have some words of wisdom to share as I've gotten some guidance and support from some amazing Al-anon people that has helped me tremendously, but I'm at work right now and want to compose my thoughts. I'll write later this evening, but I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you today. Wishing you peace.
((((((Parenting2))))))
My heart goes out to you and I can relate to you on so many levels. My son also recently was discharged from rehab and I really wish I could send a private message because some things I wish to share, I don't wish to share with the entire world. The feelings and terror and anxiety and hysteria you describe are exactly how I felt and behaved when my son was in active addiction. I absolutely know I was traumatized. I think I may have some words of wisdom to share as I've gotten some guidance and support from some amazing Al-anon people that has helped me tremendously, but I'm at work right now and want to compose my thoughts. I'll write later this evening, but I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you today. Wishing you peace.
((((((Parenting2))))))
Thank you! I appreciate the replies. I have seen some signs that he might revert back. Ugh...I just am beside myself.
Dear P, Your not alone in how you feel. I remember the day my daughter first went into rehab I felt like all my strength left me and if my husband hadnt been there I would have fallen to the floor. Now I wasnt going to be there for her and couldnt try to protect her anymore. Here I was turning her over to strangers and I felt like such a failure as a mother. I could hardly breathe. I later found out from the doctor that I had a panic attack.I had never experienced anything like it before and my doctor said it could be PTSD with living in turmoil and constant fear for so long. Us mothers try to shoulder everything and put a brave face on even to ourselves at times when the most sane people amongst us would come unraveled. The people at your sons school also, what help were they when you needed their advice..none! I felt the same to ones that I thought would help me and didnt. Like the rest of us you were left to have all the answers and left to find a cure to fix everything yourself. I think youve done a great job P! Now its time for you to go to the doctor and see whats going on with you. Theres kids come out of rehab everyday and manage fine. Your son sounds so good and whats more you got him help while he was still young. That makes a big difference. There are happy endings!! Theres been posts on here where everything worked out well. The people just dont come on anymore because they dont have a problem anymore. Good things happen everyday! The ones in the know, know more nowadays too. Take care and thinking of you. Mary.
Parenting,
I completely relate to that elated feeling, mixed with a sense of wariness, upon recognizing your son again. Losing our children to addiction and experiencing their selfish addict behaviors is just beyond the comprehension of any parent who has not had an addicted child. It is agonizing to wonder where our babies went. And seeing my son in rehab laughing a real laugh again, seeing an actual sparkle in his eye...just made me feel so relieved and happy, but oh so fearful Is this just a tease? Will I lose my son again?
You have definitely been traumatized. Youve been through more than any mother should have to go through. I think you mentioned seeing a counselor, which is so important. The American Medical Association declared that alcoholism is an illness. That being said, we know it is our childrens responsibility to seek treatment for their illness. And if thats true, we need to seek treatment for ourselves when we become ill. So please see your doctor and counselor if you havent already done so. Remember the metaphor of putting on your oxygen mask first. You wont be of any help to anyone if you dont take care of yourself first.
My son was just discharged from rehab a week ago and he is currently in a sober living house. Did you say where your son will be living when he leaves rehab? My sons rehab highly recommended not allowing anyone leaving rehab to return home for awhile. In sober living, they have 12 step meetings right in the house and often have transportation to meetings, job interviews, and sometimes even the grocery store. Recovering addicts learn important life skills while in a sober, supportive environment (depending on the sober living facility, of course. Its very important to research a good one and often the rehab facility will be of help in finding a quality one).
It sounds like the very thought of not having control is making you panic. Unfortunately, we will never be able to overpower addiction. But maybe youre not ready to think that just yet, so let me give you a tiny bit of advice I found very wise. When we start thinking catastrophically, our bodies go into fight or flight mode. Heart starts racing, hyperventilating starts, and then we lose control. Try to stay in the moment. Dont think ahead. It helps nothing. Keep your brain where your feet are. Right here, right now. Only now. When theres too much, only do the next thing in front of you.
Wishing you strength and peace.
I completely relate to that elated feeling, mixed with a sense of wariness, upon recognizing your son again. Losing our children to addiction and experiencing their selfish addict behaviors is just beyond the comprehension of any parent who has not had an addicted child. It is agonizing to wonder where our babies went. And seeing my son in rehab laughing a real laugh again, seeing an actual sparkle in his eye...just made me feel so relieved and happy, but oh so fearful Is this just a tease? Will I lose my son again?
You have definitely been traumatized. Youve been through more than any mother should have to go through. I think you mentioned seeing a counselor, which is so important. The American Medical Association declared that alcoholism is an illness. That being said, we know it is our childrens responsibility to seek treatment for their illness. And if thats true, we need to seek treatment for ourselves when we become ill. So please see your doctor and counselor if you havent already done so. Remember the metaphor of putting on your oxygen mask first. You wont be of any help to anyone if you dont take care of yourself first.
My son was just discharged from rehab a week ago and he is currently in a sober living house. Did you say where your son will be living when he leaves rehab? My sons rehab highly recommended not allowing anyone leaving rehab to return home for awhile. In sober living, they have 12 step meetings right in the house and often have transportation to meetings, job interviews, and sometimes even the grocery store. Recovering addicts learn important life skills while in a sober, supportive environment (depending on the sober living facility, of course. Its very important to research a good one and often the rehab facility will be of help in finding a quality one).
It sounds like the very thought of not having control is making you panic. Unfortunately, we will never be able to overpower addiction. But maybe youre not ready to think that just yet, so let me give you a tiny bit of advice I found very wise. When we start thinking catastrophically, our bodies go into fight or flight mode. Heart starts racing, hyperventilating starts, and then we lose control. Try to stay in the moment. Dont think ahead. It helps nothing. Keep your brain where your feet are. Right here, right now. Only now. When theres too much, only do the next thing in front of you.
Wishing you strength and peace.
Thank you for the responses.
We have been writing letters and talking on the phone. I see him & he sees me. So...that is a lot to lose.
He was evaluated as needing to stay a few more days. The counselor wanted him to go to a sober living place, and we thought we were lining that up. The trouble is that they won't let him make payments and I just simply cannot afford it. Believe me, if I could I would, but it is crazy expensive and insurance will not pay for this part.
So, now I am really concerned that we all clearly see he needs more long-term teaching and help, but not sure how that is going to play out.
He did just get to be a group leader and amazing to see the impact on him! HONESTY, the first time I saw a glimpse of a man and not a child. So fantastic to see this in him, as he looks me in the eye. And, again, so scary to lose it.
However, I have been saying the serenity prayer and exercising lots. Trying very hard to stay in the moment and ENJOY it for what it is....
Still looking at options and we have great support from the treatment place. We have been dealing with a 3-ring circus of help so far, so this expert, compassionate staff is a real blessing.
Thinking of each of you and your situations. hugs....
We have been writing letters and talking on the phone. I see him & he sees me. So...that is a lot to lose.
He was evaluated as needing to stay a few more days. The counselor wanted him to go to a sober living place, and we thought we were lining that up. The trouble is that they won't let him make payments and I just simply cannot afford it. Believe me, if I could I would, but it is crazy expensive and insurance will not pay for this part.
So, now I am really concerned that we all clearly see he needs more long-term teaching and help, but not sure how that is going to play out.
He did just get to be a group leader and amazing to see the impact on him! HONESTY, the first time I saw a glimpse of a man and not a child. So fantastic to see this in him, as he looks me in the eye. And, again, so scary to lose it.
However, I have been saying the serenity prayer and exercising lots. Trying very hard to stay in the moment and ENJOY it for what it is....
Still looking at options and we have great support from the treatment place. We have been dealing with a 3-ring circus of help so far, so this expert, compassionate staff is a real blessing.
Thinking of each of you and your situations. hugs....
Having the staff help us, has been the first time I can really safe letting go. They know their stuff and for the first time, I really don't feel like I am somewhat drowning.
I'm so happy to hear you're doing ok, Parenting. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Nice that your son will be able to stay a little longer and that the rehab staff has been caring and compassionate. Take care.
