hello
i am in day 10 from my recovery from vicodin abuse. i am still plagued by the inability to resolve all the deep seeded childhood trauma that i suffered which puts me at high risk for relapse, if any one could offer some advice on how to bury the past and quit opening the wound would be appreciated.i used many drugs to alleviate the emotional pain. my abuse issues were:beatings, verbal abuse, molestation on a daily basis for 6 years from my father,and a very traumatic abortion my father FORCED me to do. julie
Julie-
First of all, KUDOS for your bravery in asking for advice and help. I, too am a survivor of some pretty sick childhood traumas, and had a horrible time with the relapse factor. i strongly recommend you try a serious therapist, and if you have the chance, try EMDR. I find that screaming into the occasional pillow doesn't hurt anything, either. The key to you not relapsing is directly tied to how much of an effort you're willing to put into your own recovery, however. It took me twenty years of hell and relaspe and addiction as well as two ibogaine treatments before I could even begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It still seems pretty far off, but I can see it. The most important thing I think I've experienced is this; no matter how far you run away from your problems, they will ALWAYs catch up with you in the end, If you have the chance to end it now, please do so!! it only gets worse, each time you fall again, and there will be that time that you won't be able to get back up. It's a lot shorter trip down than the trip back up, and it only gets more complicated and rotten, the farther you go down.
Please keep posting/ the first step is always the hardest, and you're asking all the right questions. try out a new way of dealing with your trauma by geting rid of it. Write a letter to your father about EXACTLY how you feel, and then burn it. Scream into your pillow when the need arises. Take up kickboxing. Start a journal so you can track your progress. The whole writing thing has been absolutely instramental in me keeping clean. being able to gauge how far I';ve come helps to keep a good perspective for those times when you really do want to go out and use.
Love, serenity and luck being sent your way...
maddtink
First of all, KUDOS for your bravery in asking for advice and help. I, too am a survivor of some pretty sick childhood traumas, and had a horrible time with the relapse factor. i strongly recommend you try a serious therapist, and if you have the chance, try EMDR. I find that screaming into the occasional pillow doesn't hurt anything, either. The key to you not relapsing is directly tied to how much of an effort you're willing to put into your own recovery, however. It took me twenty years of hell and relaspe and addiction as well as two ibogaine treatments before I could even begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It still seems pretty far off, but I can see it. The most important thing I think I've experienced is this; no matter how far you run away from your problems, they will ALWAYs catch up with you in the end, If you have the chance to end it now, please do so!! it only gets worse, each time you fall again, and there will be that time that you won't be able to get back up. It's a lot shorter trip down than the trip back up, and it only gets more complicated and rotten, the farther you go down.
Please keep posting/ the first step is always the hardest, and you're asking all the right questions. try out a new way of dealing with your trauma by geting rid of it. Write a letter to your father about EXACTLY how you feel, and then burn it. Scream into your pillow when the need arises. Take up kickboxing. Start a journal so you can track your progress. The whole writing thing has been absolutely instramental in me keeping clean. being able to gauge how far I';ve come helps to keep a good perspective for those times when you really do want to go out and use.
Love, serenity and luck being sent your way...
maddtink
Hello:
I was pulled towards your post and my heart goes out to you. I am not a drug addict, but i sure am a certified co-dependent. I have been working on my childhood issues for over 10 years, it has been up and down for me. It is a struggle i suffered from emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse for many years all throughout my childhood.
I first started to heal myself when i was really young but the therapist didn't know much, that was over 20 years ago. Therapy was so different back then. So i was left in pain and with tons of baggage.
Got involved in many sick distorted relationships with abusers of all kinds. It all seems to go hand and hand.
Try to find a therapist that deals with abuse issues and addiction issues at the same time. It is a painful process but worth it.
Also i want to make a suggestion to you, i have taken my recovery one step further and i am into working with an energy healer that takes out the trauma one, two three it has helped me more than anything.
The healer i work with is Jan Benner, her phone number is 217-566-2645 she will definately help you. She charges $100 an hour and she has helped me come off of medication.
Good Luck to you, I will pray for your recovery,
lori
I was pulled towards your post and my heart goes out to you. I am not a drug addict, but i sure am a certified co-dependent. I have been working on my childhood issues for over 10 years, it has been up and down for me. It is a struggle i suffered from emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse for many years all throughout my childhood.
I first started to heal myself when i was really young but the therapist didn't know much, that was over 20 years ago. Therapy was so different back then. So i was left in pain and with tons of baggage.
Got involved in many sick distorted relationships with abusers of all kinds. It all seems to go hand and hand.
Try to find a therapist that deals with abuse issues and addiction issues at the same time. It is a painful process but worth it.
Also i want to make a suggestion to you, i have taken my recovery one step further and i am into working with an energy healer that takes out the trauma one, two three it has helped me more than anything.
The healer i work with is Jan Benner, her phone number is 217-566-2645 she will definately help you. She charges $100 an hour and she has helped me come off of medication.
Good Luck to you, I will pray for your recovery,
lori
my husband is an addict and had a bad childhood,his dad was an addict ,his mom passed away when he was only 4 dad in and out of his life,he was molested at 6 and hes been doing drugs since he was 13 thats 23 years (on and off) he says his tried counseling but nobody will ever know how much pain he has so i hear you and i know hes not alone he doesnt talk to me about it becouse he says i wont understand so iguess my question is what are some of the things you have tried bianca
Julie i am very sorry to hear about your abuse. Professional counseling can be very good , give it a good try.
But also something all of us addicted or not have to learn to live one day at a time. it is very easy and comfortable to go and drift back to the past because we have all ready been through it, we know the outcome, we know what to expext, no surprises... but its not good. force yourself to focus just on today, smile as much as you can.
Please post back to let me know how you are or any thought you have.
PS it sounds like thinking about the past is a major trigger for you and we all need to avoid any triggers while we are going thru this process.
But also something all of us addicted or not have to learn to live one day at a time. it is very easy and comfortable to go and drift back to the past because we have all ready been through it, we know the outcome, we know what to expext, no surprises... but its not good. force yourself to focus just on today, smile as much as you can.
Please post back to let me know how you are or any thought you have.
PS it sounds like thinking about the past is a major trigger for you and we all need to avoid any triggers while we are going thru this process.
julie,
this is one place to start
http://www.survivingtothriving.org/csa1
i suggest (as a survivor myself) that you learn all you can about child sexual abuse and the affects on us as adults....group therapy is good too. there are chapters of survivors of incest all over the country....maybe there is a local one for you.
it took me about 10 years of therapy (off and on) to come to terms with the abuse. i was able to reach a place where i rarely thought about it anymore. it has been in the forefront more recently due to other issues going on in my life. i feel sure that i need a refresher course in coping skills..lol....nothing in life is ever resolved completely imo but we can move on and enjoy life once we turn the responsibility for the crime over to the abusers. i confronted my abusers and felt like i was 12 feet tall when i did it! i could fly :)
it takes some work but you can do it. i decided that the best revenge was to get well and have a good life...well, i thought i had a good life but that's another story..lol
keep on going...don't give up....you deserve some joy.
this is one place to start
http://www.survivingtothriving.org/csa1
i suggest (as a survivor myself) that you learn all you can about child sexual abuse and the affects on us as adults....group therapy is good too. there are chapters of survivors of incest all over the country....maybe there is a local one for you.
it took me about 10 years of therapy (off and on) to come to terms with the abuse. i was able to reach a place where i rarely thought about it anymore. it has been in the forefront more recently due to other issues going on in my life. i feel sure that i need a refresher course in coping skills..lol....nothing in life is ever resolved completely imo but we can move on and enjoy life once we turn the responsibility for the crime over to the abusers. i confronted my abusers and felt like i was 12 feet tall when i did it! i could fly :)
it takes some work but you can do it. i decided that the best revenge was to get well and have a good life...well, i thought i had a good life but that's another story..lol
keep on going...don't give up....you deserve some joy.
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm...ld_sexual_abuse
another excellent site.... btw, i am so sorry that you were abused...i hope you will take time to learn to love you the way you wish you had been loved as a child.
take care and don't give up,
vera
another excellent site.... btw, i am so sorry that you were abused...i hope you will take time to learn to love you the way you wish you had been loved as a child.
take care and don't give up,
vera
i understand how you feel, because i am in your shoes...i am going to a counselor to deal with my childhood sexual abuse...i am going to keep going to meetings and work with a sponsor...but you are right, you are leaving yourself open to relapse, if you never deal with these problems, that's what i am planning to do
oh bumps and lori...a big warm hug to you both....and to all who are waking up to the damage done by child sexual abuse.
i still feel shocked by what adults are capable of doing to hurt children even after living it myself. i like to remind myself that there are possibly 2 out of 3 children who had good childhoods, who were loved and cared for. i don't know why that gives me comfort but it does. maybe it reinforces my hope that the whole human race is not as deformed as the sick disgusting sobs we all know.
the final key in therapy for me dealing with this one was a huge artwork. it is the size of a door. i'll try and post it here.
the door represents the barrier between the truth of what was happening to me and the life that those who cared for me choose to see. i feel that my mom knew or sensed that i was being molested but as a result of her own childhood trauma she didn't know how to confront or deal with it so she lived in denial while her child suffered. i can't even begin to comprehend how horrible that was for her. that doesn't discount the hell that i was living and the anger i felt toward her for not protecting me but as a mother myself i feel such compassion for her position.
during the course of my years in therapy one helpful key was to ask my mother to listen to my anger and not defend herself. just let me unload the s*** so i could get it out without worrying about hurting her. she did it! she sat there and listened...i told her to remember while i was saying all this crap that i was speaking for a hurt child and it didn't mean that i didn't love and cherish her as my mother. she finally understood that it was a way she could help me.
when i finished unloading she simply said " i am so sorry that they did this to you and that i didn't do anything to help you". she didn't even ask for my forgiveness and i was proud of her for that....she held the little girl in me and let me cry. it was the most meaningful and loving moment that i ever shared with my mother. beyond that dark evil part of my childhood my mother was a wonderful mom. i couldn't enjoy that fact until after our unloading session. all the good memories of childhood were buried underneath the pain. after that day she and i shared in wonderful memories as they surfaced for me.
in my painting "power" there is a colorful thread that connects tha various parts of the painting. that's the thread of normal childhood that gave me joy. when i was at school or with my friends. it helped me survive...as i let go of the hate, hurt, guilt, shame, betrayal etc etc the thread became much bigger. it too was buried under the pain.
i confronted the abusers and told my siblings what had happened to me. my sister was raped by 2 teenage boys when she was 5 but she had never talked about it before. my brothers couldn't deal with any of it. they live in the "that's the past, put it in the past" mode..lol....they basically said "i don't wanta hear that s***". well hello! neither do i but i lived it so the least they could do is hear it!! i finally had to walk away from them and the town where i grew up. the elephant still lives in their homes.
when i confronted the abusers a wonderful thing happened. those big huge horrible slimmy gross disgusting monsters who had so much power to hurt me popped! lol...they instantly became small, pitiful and powerless. i took my power back.
if you decide to confront you have to be prepared to hear denial, or s*** like "i thought you liked it"...."u think i'm some kind of pervert?"....lol...remember they are sick little creeps and they'll talk like creeps.
one very enlightening and meaningful key for me in recovery was in a group session. the therapist had a poster on the wall when we walked in the room that day. it said "INCEST/ SEX ABUSE" .....of course we were all very uncomfortable. she asked us to write what we felt about it on the poster. one person at a time. one word at a time. you can imagine how full the poster was when we finished..lol....then she said the most remarkable thing....she said "that's what incest is, that's not who you are" ....may sound simple but it was huge to me. all the s*** i was carrying was incest! lol....it was not me.
from there the exploration began to find out who i was if i wasn't that..lol..there has been a whole bunch of good and bad in my life since then but the core of me is peaceful and happy and clean.
i wish you all success in your journey fighting the monster....you will win! he is really a wimp..lol
much love, vera
i still feel shocked by what adults are capable of doing to hurt children even after living it myself. i like to remind myself that there are possibly 2 out of 3 children who had good childhoods, who were loved and cared for. i don't know why that gives me comfort but it does. maybe it reinforces my hope that the whole human race is not as deformed as the sick disgusting sobs we all know.
the final key in therapy for me dealing with this one was a huge artwork. it is the size of a door. i'll try and post it here.
the door represents the barrier between the truth of what was happening to me and the life that those who cared for me choose to see. i feel that my mom knew or sensed that i was being molested but as a result of her own childhood trauma she didn't know how to confront or deal with it so she lived in denial while her child suffered. i can't even begin to comprehend how horrible that was for her. that doesn't discount the hell that i was living and the anger i felt toward her for not protecting me but as a mother myself i feel such compassion for her position.
during the course of my years in therapy one helpful key was to ask my mother to listen to my anger and not defend herself. just let me unload the s*** so i could get it out without worrying about hurting her. she did it! she sat there and listened...i told her to remember while i was saying all this crap that i was speaking for a hurt child and it didn't mean that i didn't love and cherish her as my mother. she finally understood that it was a way she could help me.
when i finished unloading she simply said " i am so sorry that they did this to you and that i didn't do anything to help you". she didn't even ask for my forgiveness and i was proud of her for that....she held the little girl in me and let me cry. it was the most meaningful and loving moment that i ever shared with my mother. beyond that dark evil part of my childhood my mother was a wonderful mom. i couldn't enjoy that fact until after our unloading session. all the good memories of childhood were buried underneath the pain. after that day she and i shared in wonderful memories as they surfaced for me.
in my painting "power" there is a colorful thread that connects tha various parts of the painting. that's the thread of normal childhood that gave me joy. when i was at school or with my friends. it helped me survive...as i let go of the hate, hurt, guilt, shame, betrayal etc etc the thread became much bigger. it too was buried under the pain.
i confronted the abusers and told my siblings what had happened to me. my sister was raped by 2 teenage boys when she was 5 but she had never talked about it before. my brothers couldn't deal with any of it. they live in the "that's the past, put it in the past" mode..lol....they basically said "i don't wanta hear that s***". well hello! neither do i but i lived it so the least they could do is hear it!! i finally had to walk away from them and the town where i grew up. the elephant still lives in their homes.
when i confronted the abusers a wonderful thing happened. those big huge horrible slimmy gross disgusting monsters who had so much power to hurt me popped! lol...they instantly became small, pitiful and powerless. i took my power back.
if you decide to confront you have to be prepared to hear denial, or s*** like "i thought you liked it"...."u think i'm some kind of pervert?"....lol...remember they are sick little creeps and they'll talk like creeps.
one very enlightening and meaningful key for me in recovery was in a group session. the therapist had a poster on the wall when we walked in the room that day. it said "INCEST/ SEX ABUSE" .....of course we were all very uncomfortable. she asked us to write what we felt about it on the poster. one person at a time. one word at a time. you can imagine how full the poster was when we finished..lol....then she said the most remarkable thing....she said "that's what incest is, that's not who you are" ....may sound simple but it was huge to me. all the s*** i was carrying was incest! lol....it was not me.
from there the exploration began to find out who i was if i wasn't that..lol..there has been a whole bunch of good and bad in my life since then but the core of me is peaceful and happy and clean.
i wish you all success in your journey fighting the monster....you will win! he is really a wimp..lol
much love, vera
vera,
thanks for the links, i truly appreciate them. Your painting is beautiful...i remember doing an "inner child" workshop and drew a pic of the place i used to escape to, it was a grove of pine trees, and it had a small cave in it...what a great place, too bad i am 1700 miles away from it, cause i would love to see it, the last time i was up there was when i was in my 20's...it's probably a subdivision by now...
anyway, i do truly love you for being you. I have gotten alot of information and views of the other side of addiction from you...it's most appreciated.
I am glad that you and James have chosen to go "through" all of the negative things that have resulted from his addiction...it gives me hope in my marriage of 17 years...once i deal with the sexual abuse, we will start marriage counseling with the same counselor. I know that there's alot of pain that we will both have to address, but the things you and James are dealing with give me such HOPE for my relationship.
God bless and love the two of you,
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Janet
thanks for the links, i truly appreciate them. Your painting is beautiful...i remember doing an "inner child" workshop and drew a pic of the place i used to escape to, it was a grove of pine trees, and it had a small cave in it...what a great place, too bad i am 1700 miles away from it, cause i would love to see it, the last time i was up there was when i was in my 20's...it's probably a subdivision by now...
anyway, i do truly love you for being you. I have gotten alot of information and views of the other side of addiction from you...it's most appreciated.
I am glad that you and James have chosen to go "through" all of the negative things that have resulted from his addiction...it gives me hope in my marriage of 17 years...once i deal with the sexual abuse, we will start marriage counseling with the same counselor. I know that there's alot of pain that we will both have to address, but the things you and James are dealing with give me such HOPE for my relationship.
God bless and love the two of you,
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Janet
gmornin janet,
i hope your journey is going well...i admire your determination to have the life you want.
no doubt in my mind that we are both going to feel better about ourselves as we do the work. feeling better about ourselves will help us to be better people so all who love us will benefit.
james is doing amazing...he's jumped into recovery like a bull..lol..i know beyond any doubt that he will not stop until he finds peace.
i am not posting much mainly because i am unsure of my ability to say anything helpful at this point and because i am busy DOING THE WORK! lol
i think of you every day and wish you victory!
love, vera
i hope your journey is going well...i admire your determination to have the life you want.
no doubt in my mind that we are both going to feel better about ourselves as we do the work. feeling better about ourselves will help us to be better people so all who love us will benefit.
james is doing amazing...he's jumped into recovery like a bull..lol..i know beyond any doubt that he will not stop until he finds peace.
i am not posting much mainly because i am unsure of my ability to say anything helpful at this point and because i am busy DOING THE WORK! lol
i think of you every day and wish you victory!
love, vera
julie....hope you are finding what you need.
Julie, I posted this as a reply to Ted's situation, which is very simular:
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John'smom
Posted: August 19, 2005, 12:26 PM
Posts: 3
Joined: August 19, 2005
Hi Ted,
I really hate that you had those experiences, but I doubt you can singly blame them for your addiction. I suspect the hate, and low self- esteem had to make you more subject to falling prey to drugs. But as many others say, the problem of drugs cross all classes and backgrounds - unfortunately. People react differently to different things. Some simply get complacent with having had everything and don't fear the danger of drugs and seek more hoorays and the highs that they can get from drugs. Some escape from misery and abuse with drugs, you never know. I do know that this background leads to issues of poor self esteem, lack of trust, disrupted development, anger and a host of other problems.
I think the single biggest factor you mentioned that played a role in error in path direction was not the abuse, but the lack of spirituality in the home and more inside of yourself. God can heal if he is there. That's why parents have a responsibility in bringing God into the home. That's not to say that the child ever accepts it, but the parents are responsible for offering that opportunity to the child. With God, all those "issues" and feelings can be worked through and healed. If they are not healed, they will disrupt your life in a host of ways, amongst those are drug abuse. Even the filthy rich with everything succumb to drugs because they never get enough jollies and are so self absorbed they don't have personal boundaries or discipline. Again, this is lack of spirituality.
I have a miserable history as well. My mother had autism (undiagnosed at the time), my father was an alcoholic. I was given up for adoption to my aunt, who resented my presence(and was a closet alcoholic) as did her grown children and grandchildren(resent me). I was sexually abused by my uncle, and a friend of my brothers repeatedly. No one cared to see or believe that, I was just an intruder in their home anyway. I was beaten by my adult brother, uncle and my adopted father. My first serious relationship was with an abusive sociapath that put me in the hospital when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. Somehow, I have never been an alcoholic, drug addict or any other miserable thing. I was damaged though, fortunately, God heals. My present husband of 22 years and I have a son who is an addict (clean from heroin for 6 months now) and a daughter who has sociapathic characteristics as her biological father. My husband has refused to ever accept that "things" hapened to me, he cuts me off when I discuss them. However, God has healed me. He is the father that I never had. My autistic mother, who I maintained contact with, showed him to me, and He has lead me out of all of the woods that I found myself in. I am no longer a victim either. Instead, it is clear that all those people in my life are the ones who had issues because God was not in their lives. They were the devil's bait that led to them being aimless and hurtful people. I was not the only one affected by them, all people are affected by such lost miserable souls. They live within themselves and do their father's work, they lie, destroy and kill. That's what their father, the devil, has as his objective. Yet, they are their own victim's, me I have a different father, God. My job is to do as my Father does, give life, truth, and forgive. I like my job best. I love my Father the most. And I understand the victimage of those who belong to their father, the devil.
Remember, their are no excuses, only recovery.
I have a wonderful job, a wonderful husband, a son who is going to make it, a daughter who is in God's care, good Christian, clean friends, a perfect Father, and a happy life. You can too.
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John'smom
Posted: August 19, 2005, 12:26 PM
Posts: 3
Joined: August 19, 2005
Hi Ted,
I really hate that you had those experiences, but I doubt you can singly blame them for your addiction. I suspect the hate, and low self- esteem had to make you more subject to falling prey to drugs. But as many others say, the problem of drugs cross all classes and backgrounds - unfortunately. People react differently to different things. Some simply get complacent with having had everything and don't fear the danger of drugs and seek more hoorays and the highs that they can get from drugs. Some escape from misery and abuse with drugs, you never know. I do know that this background leads to issues of poor self esteem, lack of trust, disrupted development, anger and a host of other problems.
I think the single biggest factor you mentioned that played a role in error in path direction was not the abuse, but the lack of spirituality in the home and more inside of yourself. God can heal if he is there. That's why parents have a responsibility in bringing God into the home. That's not to say that the child ever accepts it, but the parents are responsible for offering that opportunity to the child. With God, all those "issues" and feelings can be worked through and healed. If they are not healed, they will disrupt your life in a host of ways, amongst those are drug abuse. Even the filthy rich with everything succumb to drugs because they never get enough jollies and are so self absorbed they don't have personal boundaries or discipline. Again, this is lack of spirituality.
I have a miserable history as well. My mother had autism (undiagnosed at the time), my father was an alcoholic. I was given up for adoption to my aunt, who resented my presence(and was a closet alcoholic) as did her grown children and grandchildren(resent me). I was sexually abused by my uncle, and a friend of my brothers repeatedly. No one cared to see or believe that, I was just an intruder in their home anyway. I was beaten by my adult brother, uncle and my adopted father. My first serious relationship was with an abusive sociapath that put me in the hospital when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. Somehow, I have never been an alcoholic, drug addict or any other miserable thing. I was damaged though, fortunately, God heals. My present husband of 22 years and I have a son who is an addict (clean from heroin for 6 months now) and a daughter who has sociapathic characteristics as her biological father. My husband has refused to ever accept that "things" hapened to me, he cuts me off when I discuss them. However, God has healed me. He is the father that I never had. My autistic mother, who I maintained contact with, showed him to me, and He has lead me out of all of the woods that I found myself in. I am no longer a victim either. Instead, it is clear that all those people in my life are the ones who had issues because God was not in their lives. They were the devil's bait that led to them being aimless and hurtful people. I was not the only one affected by them, all people are affected by such lost miserable souls. They live within themselves and do their father's work, they lie, destroy and kill. That's what their father, the devil, has as his objective. Yet, they are their own victim's, me I have a different father, God. My job is to do as my Father does, give life, truth, and forgive. I like my job best. I love my Father the most. And I understand the victimage of those who belong to their father, the devil.
Remember, their are no excuses, only recovery.
I have a wonderful job, a wonderful husband, a son who is going to make it, a daughter who is in God's care, good Christian, clean friends, a perfect Father, and a happy life. You can too.
