ok i am new at this, so any veterans who can offer advice in the parenting dept will be appreciated.
my youngest son has a new girlfriend, great i say! his heart had gotton broken in his first try at love and he said he would never ever date again and i will never be a grandmother because he plans to stay single forever my son meets erin, very nice girl and after meeting her i start to recognize some co-dependant behavior on her part. ok, i say to myself, i cannot fix this girls problems.
having a very unhappy situation with her mom and not being to happy at home, erin is starting to stay later and later at our house, they are both 20 yrs old and i was ok with it because i knew they were safe at my house, it started off with them playing video games, putting puzzles together, painting by number, playng cards, snick snacking, watching movies together, cuddling, ALOT of giggling on her part and they just look so darn happy together. i had no problem with her staying late at our house as long as they followed the rules, and my rules were that i did not want to walk past his bedroom and see him sleeping with her! i had asked my son to tell her to go home at night but he was like mom, please let her stay, i am so happy, we wont sleep together ok??? ok, i thought to myself, i will allow some cuddling while watching a movie together but nothing more, so he then decides to get a twin mattress from our basement and put it next to his bed allowing her to sleep in his bed and he sleep on the twin mattress next to her, i am not really digging this scenario and then his older brother is upset that his brothers girlfriend has invaded his privacy and there has been a war here with me caught up in the middle, that is if i ALLOW myself to be caught up in the middle, one son says mom i want my privacy back, she needs to go home at night, yes son i understand but he has always resented his younger brother and i thought that my oldest sons demands were being too harsh and he didnt want to see his brother happy, and then when i try to tell my youngest son that this is causing an uproar in the family when she is still here in the morning, he then makes me feel bad by saying mom, why wont you see my side of the story, blah, blah, blah, she doesnt want to go home and we want to be together.... ugh!!!! i feel like i am stuck in a hard place here.
so as time goes on, i am feeling more and more uncomfortable for her not going home, and then when my son goes to work, he leaves her sleeping in the bedroom !!!!! i told him son, when i leave to go to work, i dont want her alone in the house, i trust her, but it doesnt feel right, a few nights ago, he wasnt on the mattress on the floor, he was in bed with her!!! so i know i am wrong for letting this go on this long, it started out so innocently it seemed.
so heres my dilema, i walk into my sons room whn she was at work and told him like it is, son, erin has got to go home at 3 am, every night, it is causing me tension and i have enough going on and my recovery has got to come first, she gets off work around 9 pm and she is welcome to come here every night until 3 am but she needs to go home at night. she CANNOT live here, thats just great mom, her parents just kicked her out for her not coming home every night (because she is not listening to them) and i helped her move out of her bedroom and helped her put all of her things in their basement, oh i say to him, you were just assuming erin could live here and you never even asked me if she could???
forget it mom, you are not invited to our wedding and thanks for wreaking my life! when we get the money we are moving out, he is trying to push all my weak buttons but guess what, julie is not that weak anymore,
so here i sit feeling bad, i made the right decision, for my recovery yet i feel bad that he packed up her things from his bedroom like her laptop and her necklace and such and he left the house to now be with her, and now the bedroom is empty amd i feel like i pushed my son out, i guess he must of spent the night at her house because as he was packing up last night i asked him where he was going and he said to erins. i thought you said erin got kicked out? she has to sleep in her sisters room now because her youngest brother now has her room. did i do the right thing? my son says i am jealous because none of my relationships have worked out, i am not jealous, i am so happy for him. so now i guess i got what i asked for, respect thats all, i told him that i ALWAYS will be here for him uncondtionally and he knows that, i lost my son in my demand for respect and i am in such a fragile state of mind that my mind is all over the place, my oldest son will be happier with the new arrangement, but it makes my other son unhappy, but if i side with my youngest son and let her stay here overnight, then my oldest is unhappy, i came to a great conclusion yesterday, i am the problem in everyones life, my dads, my moms, my brothers, my sister, my husbands, my sons.... a new awakening here guys!!! problems all solved, i need to forfeit the house, get out there and try to get a full time job and regain my independance that i lost when i tried to be a stay at home mom for my sons.
there is no future here with my husband and the lawyer really opened up my eyes to the fact that you arent going to make it honey until you get out there and get a real job. my home business and doing the seniors isnt going to cut it,
so this is my new goal, i want to be able to get independant and when i can get up on feet again i would love to be able to say good bye! call me when you decide to sell the house and you and your new lover girl can sleep here now, its all yours! i wont ever have to beg someone to handover the check so the bills can get paid, no more porn, no more getting myself upset that he is with another woman, no more.........no more.........its just me and my higher power God from here on. thanks for letting me get the opportunity to vent this, love jewels
Jewels, sorry I can't be of much help, I am not a mom. I think allowing her to stay till 3am is quite generous. However I don't know where you live? that could be a dangerous time fo a young woman to be driving home? that is prime drunk driveing time with bars just closeing, As far as them sleeping together, whether just sleeping or really sleeping together, they are 20 so I would kinda expect it. I wouldn't want her sleeping in my home after I left for work either, that does make it seem like she is living there. as far as your sons comments about not being invited to the wedding etc. he is still a kid and kids say really silly things to hurt when they don't get their own way (speaking from experience!)
good luck with your situation, be careful or before you know it she just might be living there. Maybe you could talk to her parents? How long have they been going out? and do they have good enough jobs that they could get their own place? or depending on how long they have been together and how good their relationship is should they even be thinking about that?
Have a good day
good luck with your situation, be careful or before you know it she just might be living there. Maybe you could talk to her parents? How long have they been going out? and do they have good enough jobs that they could get their own place? or depending on how long they have been together and how good their relationship is should they even be thinking about that?
Have a good day
Julie, first of all I cannot understand why grown men are still living under mommy's roof. Why aren't they working and living in their own apartments? Second, if they insist on living under mommy's roof then they need to abide by the rules of the house. I don't remember ever letting my son's girlfriends stay at the house till 3 AM. That's ridiculous. I have to side with your older son on that one. Your family deserves privacy and she is over staying her welcome. Do they at least pay you rent? I laugh at kids today. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents' house at the ripe old age of 18. Kids today (mine included back then) are content to let their parents pay the bills for them. No one wants to take responsibility for themselves. My own son didn't leave till he was in his early 20s and it drove me nuts. But then once he moved out I went thru the empty nest syndrome thing so I guess I don't know which is worse, having them there or gone. Anyway, sorry about the little tangent there. Honey, she is taking advantage of you and so is your son. Send them to a motel when they want sex or privacy. It's not your problem. Does she work? Let her get an apt.
At the ripe old age of 20, my precious son decided to spread his wings and leave this bird's nest. He was in a similar emotional situation that you speak of, Julie, in that the high school love of his life, had called it quits. After that split, there was a while that I thought I was living with "Camille", as he would wake at 4 a.m. and stand in the hall outside of my bedroom, sobbing over this loss.
So off he goes to new digs, because he bought into the lie that a geographical cure is what he needed. What he didn't realize was that wherever he went, he took himself with him. And when he found himself staring at the emotional mess he created, he escalated his alcohol use to the point where he was laying out of work, wouldn't come visit me 'cuz he would rather sit at home and drink in his pity party, wrecked his brand new car, and all that other unmanageable stuff that bites at us when we live in active addiction.
Some time passed and one Saturday night he showed up here dragging his arse in barely able to put one foot in front of the other. I told him he could sleep on the sofa and we would talk the next morning. It was the next morning that he enlightened me of alcohol abuse and he "wanted" help. My ears perked up and I told him - you got it because you just said the definitive word "want". So that afternoon he was admitted to detox and has embraced AA since then.
Now - this is where the story gets good. In his new found freedom from alcohol and riding on that pink cloud, "Cassanova" finds a new love. What a doll she is and they both have the world sitting in the palm of their hands. Everyone deserves love in their life and it has been so neat for me to sit back and watch the love they feel for each other grow. However, one night he brought her home and when I woke the next morning, these two hound dawgs were camping out on the living room floor. I thought to myself - hmmmm - what's this all about - yet found myself in a rush to get to work and let it go.
The next morning - the same thing, only I was up a little earlier than normal and when I saw them nestled on the floor as one, (heck, a flea could not have escaped from that heap of flesh) I went into the kitchen, dug through a basket and found an old dog collar and leash. I walked into the living room, began to whistle, woke them in doing so (which was my intention), unhooked the leash from the collar and told both of them they were free to run wherever. I told them I loved them both; therefore, go get your own place where you can do whatever you want - this is not Liberty House!
Needless to say, in their chagrin, they both apologized to me and she went back home. Guess what? Within a few weeks, my son had made arrangements with another friend, who happens to be a sober male, to share an apartment. And in their apartment deal negotiations, he made it known to his friend that his g/f would be staying there some nights, which was cool with his friend.
We are all ok and I have the peace and serenity in my humble abode that I have worked diligently at creating, while they have their new journey in a really neat apt. they are creating. Setting healthy boundaries is an important aspect of my recovery and one that took me quite some time how to do. I was so out of bounds for so long that it took a lot of lessons to realize. I can be honest with my feelings today to anyone and in that same vein, honesty without compassion is brutality. It was difficult at first when trying to set healthy boundaries to do so without having to feel like I had to defend my stand laced with anger. Yet I learned and am still learning. I pray I never stop learning how to do things that nurture my spirit and nurture the spirit of others. That to me is the definition of Love...the nurturance of oneself and others to a higher spiritual awareness.
Below is a reading from Melody Beattie that I posted on another board this morning. I hope in small some way this helps.
Much love to you ~
Sammy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Taking care of ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another persons feelings. Its impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
Its good to care about other people and their feelings; its essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other peoples feelings. We can replace that message with a new one; one that says its not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
Thats okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allows others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other peoples feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for others and myself.
So off he goes to new digs, because he bought into the lie that a geographical cure is what he needed. What he didn't realize was that wherever he went, he took himself with him. And when he found himself staring at the emotional mess he created, he escalated his alcohol use to the point where he was laying out of work, wouldn't come visit me 'cuz he would rather sit at home and drink in his pity party, wrecked his brand new car, and all that other unmanageable stuff that bites at us when we live in active addiction.
Some time passed and one Saturday night he showed up here dragging his arse in barely able to put one foot in front of the other. I told him he could sleep on the sofa and we would talk the next morning. It was the next morning that he enlightened me of alcohol abuse and he "wanted" help. My ears perked up and I told him - you got it because you just said the definitive word "want". So that afternoon he was admitted to detox and has embraced AA since then.
Now - this is where the story gets good. In his new found freedom from alcohol and riding on that pink cloud, "Cassanova" finds a new love. What a doll she is and they both have the world sitting in the palm of their hands. Everyone deserves love in their life and it has been so neat for me to sit back and watch the love they feel for each other grow. However, one night he brought her home and when I woke the next morning, these two hound dawgs were camping out on the living room floor. I thought to myself - hmmmm - what's this all about - yet found myself in a rush to get to work and let it go.
The next morning - the same thing, only I was up a little earlier than normal and when I saw them nestled on the floor as one, (heck, a flea could not have escaped from that heap of flesh) I went into the kitchen, dug through a basket and found an old dog collar and leash. I walked into the living room, began to whistle, woke them in doing so (which was my intention), unhooked the leash from the collar and told both of them they were free to run wherever. I told them I loved them both; therefore, go get your own place where you can do whatever you want - this is not Liberty House!
Needless to say, in their chagrin, they both apologized to me and she went back home. Guess what? Within a few weeks, my son had made arrangements with another friend, who happens to be a sober male, to share an apartment. And in their apartment deal negotiations, he made it known to his friend that his g/f would be staying there some nights, which was cool with his friend.
We are all ok and I have the peace and serenity in my humble abode that I have worked diligently at creating, while they have their new journey in a really neat apt. they are creating. Setting healthy boundaries is an important aspect of my recovery and one that took me quite some time how to do. I was so out of bounds for so long that it took a lot of lessons to realize. I can be honest with my feelings today to anyone and in that same vein, honesty without compassion is brutality. It was difficult at first when trying to set healthy boundaries to do so without having to feel like I had to defend my stand laced with anger. Yet I learned and am still learning. I pray I never stop learning how to do things that nurture my spirit and nurture the spirit of others. That to me is the definition of Love...the nurturance of oneself and others to a higher spiritual awareness.
Below is a reading from Melody Beattie that I posted on another board this morning. I hope in small some way this helps.
Much love to you ~
Sammy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Taking care of ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another persons feelings. Its impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
Its good to care about other people and their feelings; its essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other peoples feelings. We can replace that message with a new one; one that says its not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
Thats okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allows others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other peoples feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for others and myself.
If the older brother wants privacy, he needs to be in his own place...if the younger one wants to have his girlfriend spend the night, he needs to be in his own place. If they can't respect your rules, they need thier own place.
I suspect you're like me Julie...you want to keep your kids close to you for as long as possible..but I think that we're hurting our kids, more than helping them. They don't know how to make it on thier own because we make it too easy for them to stay. The magic age for my boys seemed to be 21...that's when they got sick of mom's rules and decided to spread thier wings. Both of my older boys are own thier own, one with his family, the other with his soon to be bride. The youngest, Jake, is still in college so of course he lives at home...but he has to follow house rules and that means, no girls over night. If he doesn't like it, there's the door.
I suspect you're like me Julie...you want to keep your kids close to you for as long as possible..but I think that we're hurting our kids, more than helping them. They don't know how to make it on thier own because we make it too easy for them to stay. The magic age for my boys seemed to be 21...that's when they got sick of mom's rules and decided to spread thier wings. Both of my older boys are own thier own, one with his family, the other with his soon to be bride. The youngest, Jake, is still in college so of course he lives at home...but he has to follow house rules and that means, no girls over night. If he doesn't like it, there's the door.
Nestled on the floor as one. Lol, I love the way you speak/write, Miss Sam.
Hi Julie,
My house rules are simple and have been tested repeatedly. Sometimes I win, other times they have. (I have four kids, two of them grown boys)
You either go to school or you work. Both is lovely. If you're in school you can keep whatever you make. If not, you can contribute. If you want a roomate, get your own place...this one is mine. I had you so I will support you and raise you until you can take care of yourself, hopefully by eighteen but if you're tolerable I can take you longer. Tolerable means you're not a smart a**, you don't sleep all day and you take out the garbage. I like your friends but they're yours and not mine. They don't get to freely eat from my refridgerator but are welcome at mealtime. (unless they're not and that's up to me) If you're old enough to have sex do so like everyone else who still lives at home. Do it in the car or rent a motel room. If you make a child I will worship him or her. They will be perfect even if you are not. You will have to adjust to the fact that they can do no wrong and you are still worthy of being scolded. They can have anything and everything they want because I'm not raising them. (hehe, the ultimate revenge) I'll babysit when I want to or if the perfect child wants to be with me. If this hurts your social life, I am not sorry. I won't raise my perfect Grandchildren for you but if you screw up I'll take them from you or bonk you on the head until you see the light and act accordingly.
That about sums up my opinion on grown sons, lol. Having said this I can add that sometimes you just play it by ear. I've let girlfriends stay overnight for a variety of reasons.
xxxxooooo
Hi Julie,
My house rules are simple and have been tested repeatedly. Sometimes I win, other times they have. (I have four kids, two of them grown boys)
You either go to school or you work. Both is lovely. If you're in school you can keep whatever you make. If not, you can contribute. If you want a roomate, get your own place...this one is mine. I had you so I will support you and raise you until you can take care of yourself, hopefully by eighteen but if you're tolerable I can take you longer. Tolerable means you're not a smart a**, you don't sleep all day and you take out the garbage. I like your friends but they're yours and not mine. They don't get to freely eat from my refridgerator but are welcome at mealtime. (unless they're not and that's up to me) If you're old enough to have sex do so like everyone else who still lives at home. Do it in the car or rent a motel room. If you make a child I will worship him or her. They will be perfect even if you are not. You will have to adjust to the fact that they can do no wrong and you are still worthy of being scolded. They can have anything and everything they want because I'm not raising them. (hehe, the ultimate revenge) I'll babysit when I want to or if the perfect child wants to be with me. If this hurts your social life, I am not sorry. I won't raise my perfect Grandchildren for you but if you screw up I'll take them from you or bonk you on the head until you see the light and act accordingly.
That about sums up my opinion on grown sons, lol. Having said this I can add that sometimes you just play it by ear. I've let girlfriends stay overnight for a variety of reasons.
xxxxooooo
Gotta say I agree with Lisa, what's the older one complaining about? He needs to have his own place anyway!
I honestly don't know how I would handle it, my daughter gladly left home when she went away to college at 18, and has really never lived here since, by her own choice.
Are any of these young people in school, btw?
I don't know that I could kick a kid out, but I could if they talked to me like that, "You ruined my life". That, I would not stand for. Even if they are paying you rent, they don't get to play the blame game with you when you request they live by the rules in your own home.
It's funny how even adult children will continue to test boundaries, just like they did when they were little =) My mom always said, "Testing and trying, testing and trying". I know my older daughter did - bringing the BF over and watching movies in the basement rec room and conveniently 'falling asleep', sorry, sorry, sorry, I SAID I WAS SORRY, jeez. Then the younger one did the same thing with her BF, but thought she could get away with it because she's such a 'good girl' - no dice. We love this BF, and we know they are sexually active, but not here.
She's been out now since October and things are great all around. We spoke last week about a move home so she could save some money, but she's determined to stay out on her own, even if it means getting a second job. I'm actually really proud of her independence, though I certainly don't think that 20 is too old to be living at home.
That said, if a 20 year old doesn't care for the rules s/he should definitely not be there. Like it or lump it, some things are non-negotiable.
You're a good mom, Jewels, and from your many posts it's clear that your sons love and respect you. Tell it like it is and they'll be fine after a good sulk.
Peace~MomNMore
She's been out now since October and things are great all around. We spoke last week about a move home so she could save some money, but she's determined to stay out on her own, even if it means getting a second job. I'm actually really proud of her independence, though I certainly don't think that 20 is too old to be living at home.
That said, if a 20 year old doesn't care for the rules s/he should definitely not be there. Like it or lump it, some things are non-negotiable.
You're a good mom, Jewels, and from your many posts it's clear that your sons love and respect you. Tell it like it is and they'll be fine after a good sulk.
Peace~MomNMore
thanks guys for all your great posts, i need advice as this is my first time dealing with the opposite sex sleeping over.
to answer the questions asked, erin lives about 5 min. from our house and i never thought about her safety in going home that late at night. thanks for bringing that to my awareness.
heres the scenario with my sons, great sons, so far just for today, they are clean and sober and i thank God for that, they have a whole history of addicts in the family, yet they have not picked up....YET! my youngest just passed his drug screen at work.
my sons and erin all have jobs.
my sons do help and do chores.
my oldest is recently a college graduate, and i have been allowing him to get out there in the work place and attain a good job with his degree.so i have respected the fact that it will take time for that and this son worked so hard studying from dawn to dusk with his face in the books and worked a part time job so i really havent asked for money from him untiil lately for which he replies, mom when i get the job i am looking for with my degree.....since graduating college, he is working a full time job but hasnt attained the job with the degree yet.
my youngest, the one with the girlfriend has a high school diploma, did the duo program in high school where he was able to go to high school half a day and then attend a community college in the auto program the other half of the school day went on for another 1 1/2 yrs after high school graduation to the community college and worked a full time job at the hardware store. then as time went on his learning disability and add came into play as it did all thru school and he decided that he didnt want to be an auto mechanic and the test taking required to get that degree was scaring him and i believe anxiety about that played a major role in him not getting the auto degree. i guess i felt bad for him that he wasnt gifted in the education dept like his older brother and asked him, ok, what is your plan then without a college degree? i wanna be a fork lift driver, or a mail carrier, that seems to be his goal, he gets a job at the hardware store when he was 18 and life couldnt be better, huh? fantastic worker, respected at work, both boys never call in sick, or miss work, always on time, good workers i must say, then this past dec after he had been there at the hardware store, lowes for almost 2 years, he is out on the fork lift and a customers son was throwing snowballs at my son on the fork lift and my son was driving the fork lift erracticly to dodge the snowballs and the boss saw it and said, i hate to have to do this but i have to suspend you for 6 mos for company safety rules,work was not available most of the winter with companies laying off their extra holiday workers.and now my son just got hired at home depot but its only part time, hey at least you got your foot in the door and this job will hopefully hold you over until the suspension period is lifted from the other whew!
so no, he and the girlfriend dont have the money to get out on their own yet, and i know as soon as he gets back on his feet they are moving out so as my sons mother, this is where i stand in the fact of allowing both boys time to get out there and get independant, yet me having my issues know i am in no hurry to be the empty nester. so no the boys are not lying around being unproductive sponging off mommy and sadly dad is absent in their lives due to his alcoholism.
hey sammy, i love melody beattie!! thanks for that, i read her daily affirmation book every day- the language of letting go.
wow! things got so rough for me here at home as i trod this journey of recovery, man i never dreamed it would be this hard.... in addition to all this stress, i allowed me to beat myself up and declare that i am the problem in everyones life!!! despite my faith in a power greater than myself that i choose to call GOD, i had become so exhausted and over whelmed and beaten down and lost that i considered suicide yesterday, i am so ashamed to say that, but i need to be honest, and i do want to say one thing, in my darkest moment of despair yesterday, when i was in the parking lot of a NA meeting, i couldnt decide if i should go with my plan or go to a meeting, the Holy Spirit intervened!!! i kept thinking to myself that i needed to go the the place where i would not have anymore pain, or suffering or disease, you know the place that God promises us for our salvation? i saw myself as this big mistake in life causing so many problems with people i love, the thoughts of i hate you and wish you were never born came into play, i saw myself as the problem in my dads my moms, my brothers, my sister, my husband and my childrens life and i got really really dark with the thoughts of what do i have for a future? the pain of losing my dogs is right around the corner, the pain of losing my parents, my failed marriage, i wreaked my sons lives, i finally got the courage to share at meetings and when i did talk about my troubled marriage i now get these old guys and not so disireable charactors asking me out!!!! no freakin way!!!! i dont ever forsee me in a relationship ever again as i get burned every single time i pour out my heart to someone, the evil one was really playing a number on me yesterday, whispering in my ear, die! He comes to lie and destroy life...... i cant numb the pain away any more with drugs, i cant isolate and say world leave me alone!! i cant go to the ER anymore and beg for drugs to numb me, i cant have surgeries anymore to get my fix, ok, i forfeit the house to you now, you can bring your hussies over anytime you want and have porn on 24/7 and just party and drink every single day!!!! because your party girl wifey /porn girlie decides that this is not life and she is just a stale holly roller now! look at how i beat myself up and allow people free rent in my head, just look at this stinkin thinkin, is what i am able to see the next day,.,..
so back to the parking lot scenario, the meeting has already been in session for 15 min now and i am still contemplating what do i do, die or go to a meeting?
at that very instant as i kept driving around in circles around the parking lot, i stopped the car and the Holy Spirit came over me and i saw His suffering on a cross for me, and i thought, Julie if you die, than all of Christs sufferings and teachings and the Word will all be in vain and i couldnt do it! so YES everyone, there is a Holy Spirit in my life!!! i've always professed it, and even at the darkest moment of my life yesterday, Christ intervened and i am alive this day after to tell you all! my plan was always not to tell anyone, why darken their doorway with my sh*t? but today i learned that i cant hold this all in anymore, i have to open up and allow people in, i have to tell someone, so this explains my thread and post here today. Jesus isn't quite ready for me to come home yet, there are more life lessons to learn and more words to profess that Jesus Christ is the light of my life, and i continue to learn that in Him there is no darkness! thanks for letting me share. love jewels
oh, forgot to say, i did walk into the meeting after all, heard the message again, listened to others share, sat next to my sponsor, but i STILL hadnt opened up, too distraught,dont ever want to let someone see me cry, too embarrassing to let people other than my family see me cry.... just sweep this incident under the rug..... unhealthy, huh? after church, i spent the ENTIRE day sleeping and i just woke up, my body and mind needed to heal after all the tears i shed this week end, life on lifes terms..... i'm learning.....
i decided to be a lay minister today at church, this is where you go to shut ins and such and give them holy communion! God has been directing me to serve the elderly which i do every fri in a nursing home where i do the seniors hair care, it is such a great ministry to serve them...
to answer the questions asked, erin lives about 5 min. from our house and i never thought about her safety in going home that late at night. thanks for bringing that to my awareness.
heres the scenario with my sons, great sons, so far just for today, they are clean and sober and i thank God for that, they have a whole history of addicts in the family, yet they have not picked up....YET! my youngest just passed his drug screen at work.
my sons and erin all have jobs.
my sons do help and do chores.
my oldest is recently a college graduate, and i have been allowing him to get out there in the work place and attain a good job with his degree.so i have respected the fact that it will take time for that and this son worked so hard studying from dawn to dusk with his face in the books and worked a part time job so i really havent asked for money from him untiil lately for which he replies, mom when i get the job i am looking for with my degree.....since graduating college, he is working a full time job but hasnt attained the job with the degree yet.
my youngest, the one with the girlfriend has a high school diploma, did the duo program in high school where he was able to go to high school half a day and then attend a community college in the auto program the other half of the school day went on for another 1 1/2 yrs after high school graduation to the community college and worked a full time job at the hardware store. then as time went on his learning disability and add came into play as it did all thru school and he decided that he didnt want to be an auto mechanic and the test taking required to get that degree was scaring him and i believe anxiety about that played a major role in him not getting the auto degree. i guess i felt bad for him that he wasnt gifted in the education dept like his older brother and asked him, ok, what is your plan then without a college degree? i wanna be a fork lift driver, or a mail carrier, that seems to be his goal, he gets a job at the hardware store when he was 18 and life couldnt be better, huh? fantastic worker, respected at work, both boys never call in sick, or miss work, always on time, good workers i must say, then this past dec after he had been there at the hardware store, lowes for almost 2 years, he is out on the fork lift and a customers son was throwing snowballs at my son on the fork lift and my son was driving the fork lift erracticly to dodge the snowballs and the boss saw it and said, i hate to have to do this but i have to suspend you for 6 mos for company safety rules,work was not available most of the winter with companies laying off their extra holiday workers.and now my son just got hired at home depot but its only part time, hey at least you got your foot in the door and this job will hopefully hold you over until the suspension period is lifted from the other whew!
so no, he and the girlfriend dont have the money to get out on their own yet, and i know as soon as he gets back on his feet they are moving out so as my sons mother, this is where i stand in the fact of allowing both boys time to get out there and get independant, yet me having my issues know i am in no hurry to be the empty nester. so no the boys are not lying around being unproductive sponging off mommy and sadly dad is absent in their lives due to his alcoholism.
hey sammy, i love melody beattie!! thanks for that, i read her daily affirmation book every day- the language of letting go.
wow! things got so rough for me here at home as i trod this journey of recovery, man i never dreamed it would be this hard.... in addition to all this stress, i allowed me to beat myself up and declare that i am the problem in everyones life!!! despite my faith in a power greater than myself that i choose to call GOD, i had become so exhausted and over whelmed and beaten down and lost that i considered suicide yesterday, i am so ashamed to say that, but i need to be honest, and i do want to say one thing, in my darkest moment of despair yesterday, when i was in the parking lot of a NA meeting, i couldnt decide if i should go with my plan or go to a meeting, the Holy Spirit intervened!!! i kept thinking to myself that i needed to go the the place where i would not have anymore pain, or suffering or disease, you know the place that God promises us for our salvation? i saw myself as this big mistake in life causing so many problems with people i love, the thoughts of i hate you and wish you were never born came into play, i saw myself as the problem in my dads my moms, my brothers, my sister, my husband and my childrens life and i got really really dark with the thoughts of what do i have for a future? the pain of losing my dogs is right around the corner, the pain of losing my parents, my failed marriage, i wreaked my sons lives, i finally got the courage to share at meetings and when i did talk about my troubled marriage i now get these old guys and not so disireable charactors asking me out!!!! no freakin way!!!! i dont ever forsee me in a relationship ever again as i get burned every single time i pour out my heart to someone, the evil one was really playing a number on me yesterday, whispering in my ear, die! He comes to lie and destroy life...... i cant numb the pain away any more with drugs, i cant isolate and say world leave me alone!! i cant go to the ER anymore and beg for drugs to numb me, i cant have surgeries anymore to get my fix, ok, i forfeit the house to you now, you can bring your hussies over anytime you want and have porn on 24/7 and just party and drink every single day!!!! because your party girl wifey /porn girlie decides that this is not life and she is just a stale holly roller now! look at how i beat myself up and allow people free rent in my head, just look at this stinkin thinkin, is what i am able to see the next day,.,..
so back to the parking lot scenario, the meeting has already been in session for 15 min now and i am still contemplating what do i do, die or go to a meeting?
at that very instant as i kept driving around in circles around the parking lot, i stopped the car and the Holy Spirit came over me and i saw His suffering on a cross for me, and i thought, Julie if you die, than all of Christs sufferings and teachings and the Word will all be in vain and i couldnt do it! so YES everyone, there is a Holy Spirit in my life!!! i've always professed it, and even at the darkest moment of my life yesterday, Christ intervened and i am alive this day after to tell you all! my plan was always not to tell anyone, why darken their doorway with my sh*t? but today i learned that i cant hold this all in anymore, i have to open up and allow people in, i have to tell someone, so this explains my thread and post here today. Jesus isn't quite ready for me to come home yet, there are more life lessons to learn and more words to profess that Jesus Christ is the light of my life, and i continue to learn that in Him there is no darkness! thanks for letting me share. love jewels
oh, forgot to say, i did walk into the meeting after all, heard the message again, listened to others share, sat next to my sponsor, but i STILL hadnt opened up, too distraught,dont ever want to let someone see me cry, too embarrassing to let people other than my family see me cry.... just sweep this incident under the rug..... unhealthy, huh? after church, i spent the ENTIRE day sleeping and i just woke up, my body and mind needed to heal after all the tears i shed this week end, life on lifes terms..... i'm learning.....
i decided to be a lay minister today at church, this is where you go to shut ins and such and give them holy communion! God has been directing me to serve the elderly which i do every fri in a nursing home where i do the seniors hair care, it is such a great ministry to serve them...
Jewels, Based on all you wrote, I am sure your sons are going to make the right decisions when push comes to shove.
I know the job market is scare, even for college graduates.But don't let your younger son get by with too much.
You are not making their lives miserable. You are being a loving, giving mother to them, and like all young people, they are pushing their limits.
Gool luck with your new project.
Have a great week.
Jewels,
Believe it or not, I have the same issue, but, with my daughter. Started, he had an issue at home, needed to stay here for a week, when I was using. Now, its open season....She is at college, but, when she is home, he comes over, and sleeps here down stairs.....I am a doormat, as this daughter, she never asked pemission, and I am afraid to tell her now, he isnt allowed. But, it does invade my privacy, bad example for middle daughter, and little twins. My mother didnt allow my now-hubby to sleep over, and, we had a baby together and were getting married, no way!
I am in way over my head, and am looking to keep away from drama, but, his Mom wont let my daughter sleep there, so why should I? But, I feel as if , shes at school, let it go for now....Then, when I am healthier in the spring I have to lay the law down..I know they are serious, 20 yrs old, and dated for 4 years, but, I am not an apartment house. And, they sleep til 1-2 afternoon and they are up til 3am! It disrupts my life, as I have to be quiet, and all while they sleep all day, and stay up when I try to sleep!
So the advice you get has helped me.....but, I have to do the same, tell them the gig is up, not a good example to the youunger kids, I never thought I d be like my Mom, LOL!
You keep the faith , it will get better, they are tough, kids these days. I swear its all the texting, computers, no F2F contact, they have little social skills..I am learning that its true.
Good luck, I hope it all works out!
Lucky
Believe it or not, I have the same issue, but, with my daughter. Started, he had an issue at home, needed to stay here for a week, when I was using. Now, its open season....She is at college, but, when she is home, he comes over, and sleeps here down stairs.....I am a doormat, as this daughter, she never asked pemission, and I am afraid to tell her now, he isnt allowed. But, it does invade my privacy, bad example for middle daughter, and little twins. My mother didnt allow my now-hubby to sleep over, and, we had a baby together and were getting married, no way!
I am in way over my head, and am looking to keep away from drama, but, his Mom wont let my daughter sleep there, so why should I? But, I feel as if , shes at school, let it go for now....Then, when I am healthier in the spring I have to lay the law down..I know they are serious, 20 yrs old, and dated for 4 years, but, I am not an apartment house. And, they sleep til 1-2 afternoon and they are up til 3am! It disrupts my life, as I have to be quiet, and all while they sleep all day, and stay up when I try to sleep!
So the advice you get has helped me.....but, I have to do the same, tell them the gig is up, not a good example to the youunger kids, I never thought I d be like my Mom, LOL!
You keep the faith , it will get better, they are tough, kids these days. I swear its all the texting, computers, no F2F contact, they have little social skills..I am learning that its true.
Good luck, I hope it all works out!
Lucky
this is how it has turned out now....
since giving her the 3 am curfew, they now have left my house for the last 2 nights to be at her house, my son didnt come home first night and last night he came home around 4:30 am alone!!
this could all be so simple but they are young and want to complicate things, if she goes home everynight then her parents and i are happy and they still get to see one another, problem solved right? noooooo! i want to be with her ALL the time. i remember those feelings back when a relationship is new.
but i do feel better in the fact that i hopefully have gained some respect here, i know i WOULDN"T feel comfortable sleeping in my boyfriends bed when he had left the house for work or wherever and the parents are in the house! no frickin way, i had to be quiet and not run the vacum when he left the house with her still in his bed, not happening! i gave them an inch and they took a mile, i still detect some sarcasm in his voice, i am the bad guy now, oh, mom we thought you were so cool and understanding.
i feel like a train wreck this morning...overwhelmed, absolutely overwhelmed jewels
since giving her the 3 am curfew, they now have left my house for the last 2 nights to be at her house, my son didnt come home first night and last night he came home around 4:30 am alone!!
this could all be so simple but they are young and want to complicate things, if she goes home everynight then her parents and i are happy and they still get to see one another, problem solved right? noooooo! i want to be with her ALL the time. i remember those feelings back when a relationship is new.
but i do feel better in the fact that i hopefully have gained some respect here, i know i WOULDN"T feel comfortable sleeping in my boyfriends bed when he had left the house for work or wherever and the parents are in the house! no frickin way, i had to be quiet and not run the vacum when he left the house with her still in his bed, not happening! i gave them an inch and they took a mile, i still detect some sarcasm in his voice, i am the bad guy now, oh, mom we thought you were so cool and understanding.
i feel like a train wreck this morning...overwhelmed, absolutely overwhelmed jewels
Jewls- Your kids are pretty old now. They are going to do what they want, like it or not. If you don't, suggest they move out. Otherwise, it's your rules. They are in their 20's now.
It really is ok for you to be the boss, hon. Put your foot down. Set rules and stick to them. There is a saying I like here at work..."If you don't like the rules here, don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out." Sometimes you have to be a b****.
Remember this Julie, your son is young, and young love doesn't always last. She might not be the "one" for him. My youngest had a girlfriend that he thought he would marry..they both were too young to handlle a mature relationship and as of a month ago, they broke up. It devestated both of them but it wasn't meant to be. Just let it run it's course. Your son is old enough to "stay out all night" if he wants too..he has to give you the curtiousy of a phone call to let you know so that you don't worry, but he's a big boy now.
Dear Julie,
You are setting appropriate boundries with your boys. Things are unfolding as they should. You are such a good Mom and friend to them. From the sounds of it you are the only one to. Believe me one day they will thank you for it!
Please know that I keep you in my prayers daily. Youv'e been a beacon of light to me. I too know the shame of past traumas. I too know the thinking and feeling will "I ever be good enough for anyone". This is a lie from the Lion. Learn to talk back to your inner critical voice.
I too not long ago was tested. I wanted to drink and die so bad. I to know where it came from. It was not from God. Last Sunday our pastor's sermon was on putting on the armor of God. For Satan is a defeated foe. He still is our ememy. Along with the world and the flesh. Jules keep his word hidden in your heart. Use prayer as his sword. Be alert for the enemy but do not be afraid. For Jesus has defeated him.
I'm so grateful that you are safe. That you are still alive. Your boys need you! God needs you here to continue his work. Like the seniors doing their hair. Like the still suffering addict. Like me who still needs to grow in recovery and faith in our Lord Jesus. The Holy Spirit is with you!
Love,
Chris xxx
You are setting appropriate boundries with your boys. Things are unfolding as they should. You are such a good Mom and friend to them. From the sounds of it you are the only one to. Believe me one day they will thank you for it!
Please know that I keep you in my prayers daily. Youv'e been a beacon of light to me. I too know the shame of past traumas. I too know the thinking and feeling will "I ever be good enough for anyone". This is a lie from the Lion. Learn to talk back to your inner critical voice.
I too not long ago was tested. I wanted to drink and die so bad. I to know where it came from. It was not from God. Last Sunday our pastor's sermon was on putting on the armor of God. For Satan is a defeated foe. He still is our ememy. Along with the world and the flesh. Jules keep his word hidden in your heart. Use prayer as his sword. Be alert for the enemy but do not be afraid. For Jesus has defeated him.
I'm so grateful that you are safe. That you are still alive. Your boys need you! God needs you here to continue his work. Like the seniors doing their hair. Like the still suffering addict. Like me who still needs to grow in recovery and faith in our Lord Jesus. The Holy Spirit is with you!
Love,
Chris xxx
Rarely does "young love" last at all..
Jewels,
I have been lack in setting down the rules, as my previous post stated, good for you for getting in the game earlier than me...I have stuck out in the bottom of the 9th with my kids relationship. It's almost too late to set boundaries, I would need to have a serious soul~searching with my child. I am avoiding it, good for you for doing it, setting the ground rules, as I have allowed myself to be a doormat.
You did it before it went too far, and he may be angry now, but, better than months away, he'd really be upset.
Hopefully, his anger will subside, and you guys can move past it, as your other child was affected, too. Mine's the opposite, she loves sisters b/f, makes it harder for me to contend with them.
Its amazing that they think they have all the answers at their age, when we get too smart, too late, how true.
Good for you, I wish I had the guts to do what you did, as I am in too deep now..
Good luck with all of this, you made a good choice. I hope he comes around to understanding your way soon, young love is a tough barrier...I wish I had advice for you, only looking up to you, you did the right thing.
Good Luck and God Bless~
Lucky
I have been lack in setting down the rules, as my previous post stated, good for you for getting in the game earlier than me...I have stuck out in the bottom of the 9th with my kids relationship. It's almost too late to set boundaries, I would need to have a serious soul~searching with my child. I am avoiding it, good for you for doing it, setting the ground rules, as I have allowed myself to be a doormat.
You did it before it went too far, and he may be angry now, but, better than months away, he'd really be upset.
Hopefully, his anger will subside, and you guys can move past it, as your other child was affected, too. Mine's the opposite, she loves sisters b/f, makes it harder for me to contend with them.
Its amazing that they think they have all the answers at their age, when we get too smart, too late, how true.
Good for you, I wish I had the guts to do what you did, as I am in too deep now..
Good luck with all of this, you made a good choice. I hope he comes around to understanding your way soon, young love is a tough barrier...I wish I had advice for you, only looking up to you, you did the right thing.
Good Luck and God Bless~
Lucky
QUOTE |
Last Sunday our pastor's sermon was on putting on the armor of God |
QUOTE |
God needs you here to continue his work |
i am gonna continue Gods work, i was asked at church to be on a commitee and i shy away from situtations where authority is an issue, so i told the church ( as we are embarking on a evangelism capaign) that i would be interested in being a eucharistic minister where i would give our shut in members holy communion in their homes or nursing home, after all i have been doing ministry to the seniors every fri by doing their hair care, so now i can give them communion too! i know where God is leading me,
thank you for your prayers chris, lucky thank you for the encouragement, to update on my youngest son, it has FINALLY worked out, just for today that is, remember he was angry at me and started staying at her parents house? he and erin have graciously abided, God bless them for that, i feel so much better as i was getting knots in my stomach over seeing them sleeping every single night in the same room, my break down last sat gave me the courage to tell them the new rules and like i said they have listened and i am so grateful,
erin had taken me and my son out to lunch for valentines day and she also bought me a potted rose and i told her for her valentine gift i would cut her hair and give her a nice style, time had gotton away from me and she kept wondering when i would do her hair, so after the incident i had with them, i finally did her hair on mon and that broke the ice and we all three talked as i was cutting her hair and my son told me he loved me!! so the situation is a whole lot better today. last night was their first night back here and when i woke up this morning she had gone home and my son was asleep ALONE in his room!!!! just for today.....jewels