Is there anyone out there living in Germany ? cuz I'm out of friends, out of dope, out of patience and out of my mind.
Constantine,
Pretty sure nobody here is from Germany.......we all been where you are.....I know I'm out of my mind, but clean.
Someone used to speak German here, but obviously you speak English so that's cool............hopefully you're O.K...........please come back we can maybe help ya get through it..........hitting the keys helps sometimes.
You can do this thing if ya want it bad enough.
Pretty sure nobody here is from Germany.......we all been where you are.....I know I'm out of my mind, but clean.
Someone used to speak German here, but obviously you speak English so that's cool............hopefully you're O.K...........please come back we can maybe help ya get through it..........hitting the keys helps sometimes.
You can do this thing if ya want it bad enough.
Ich spreche deutsch...
:o)
:o)
Hi Folks,
Hey...ya I live in Germany, but Im not german. Just been out here for a VERY long time. Thanks for replying. Having a hell of a time latley. all I can think about it, dream about...well, you all know the deal.
Hey...ya I live in Germany, but Im not german. Just been out here for a VERY long time. Thanks for replying. Having a hell of a time latley. all I can think about it, dream about...well, you all know the deal.
Hey Constantine,
You're on the board so that's a good sign........yeah we all been there......please feel free to post all ya want........sometimes it helps.
Plus look at Maddy showing off with her German........LOL.....hope you are alright today, Constantine.
You're on the board so that's a good sign........yeah we all been there......please feel free to post all ya want........sometimes it helps.
Plus look at Maddy showing off with her German........LOL.....hope you are alright today, Constantine.
whats going on C--where are you from originally where ru at in recovery--spill the beans babe--we wana help--plus im just nosy :)
Ya. Ok. Its nice to have people to talk too. Especially people that understand what this is all about. My story really isnt all that dramatic. Im just in a bad place right now. Using heavy for about 2 years, maybe longer, time gets funky sometimes. I had a good ride and had no intention of easing off when about three weeks before Christmas my supply was instantly cut off. large bust, small town, everybody gone. Im left sick and dry. Clinics are far and few between and believe it or not Im actually still working and want to continue to do so...though I know the lines are hard to hold on that. been an addict since 13. rode the horse hard in my 20's. kicked and stayed clean...at least from H for a good long time, alomost 10 years, had one relapse and then about 2 years ago I started using again. lots of reasons, none of them probably any good but whatever. I just started craving the sh** again, just wanted it, found it of course. did the "I can do this on weekends, at night thing" failed of course, started using every day but I remained functional, I still do...at least on the outside, inside Im crawling the f**** walls, cravings are so bad I could scream most of the time. Have done all the pain pills in the house, mostly paracetemol codeine and drinking until I figured my liver wouldnt recover if I continued. Thought about going to the Doc and explaining the situation but, hell, dont need that kind of publicity. SH*** !! Ive called and tapped all friends and favors and by now Im just irritating people and its hard. Nothing. Can only hope to somehow go up to Frankfurt and hang out in the park and hope. Bottom is bottom, but theres nothing I want more right now than to feel "normal" again. Im close to despair I guess. Nothing going right in any area of life right now. Just totally feeling horrible. Thats it. I keep looking. I keep wishing and every day I keep on just keeping on like everything is ok, at work, at home, everywhere. Im just running out of strength and Im so tired.
Welcome
Don't know anything about heroin use in Germany, but if there are no methadone done clinics around, maybe you could seek out a sub doctor. At least he/she can get you on the right track if you think you need some kind of medical assistance to ease the withdrawals. I don't know how much , how old you are, or how your habit progressed but if you have been doing drugs since you were 13 ,Im sure some counseling wouldn't hurt.In fact it would probably uncover a lot of old buried issues that need to get out & be confronted.
I see thru your post that alcohol is a big contributing factor. It sounds like your drinking is a whole other issue (or part of the same,I guess) that needs to be addressed . Alcohol is worse for the body & brain more than most anything out there. You need to get a grip on that. I find that even today,after not using heroin for a long time or really even craving - that if I have a few too many cocktails ,my thinking becomes distorted & decision making is effected & my thoughts starts thinking about dope.- This is why I very rarely drink & when I do ,I stay very aware of my actions.
Be careful out there. Seek some professional help (I'm not one to recommend NA/AA meetings but they have proved to be helpful for many,many people & imagine they are in Germany.) If you have a job,I believe you said you did work, use their insurance ,it must be kept all confidential. I dont know know how GBMH heath care works ,but there must be some way to take advantage of whatever is offered.
allthebest-keepintouch
regards,
jack
I work for a German Company here in the states, its in Stuggart,I see that every time I get a package from them it has "GBMH' on it- what is that?? An abbreviation for something???- Just wondering**
Don't know anything about heroin use in Germany, but if there are no methadone done clinics around, maybe you could seek out a sub doctor. At least he/she can get you on the right track if you think you need some kind of medical assistance to ease the withdrawals. I don't know how much , how old you are, or how your habit progressed but if you have been doing drugs since you were 13 ,Im sure some counseling wouldn't hurt.In fact it would probably uncover a lot of old buried issues that need to get out & be confronted.
I see thru your post that alcohol is a big contributing factor. It sounds like your drinking is a whole other issue (or part of the same,I guess) that needs to be addressed . Alcohol is worse for the body & brain more than most anything out there. You need to get a grip on that. I find that even today,after not using heroin for a long time or really even craving - that if I have a few too many cocktails ,my thinking becomes distorted & decision making is effected & my thoughts starts thinking about dope.- This is why I very rarely drink & when I do ,I stay very aware of my actions.
Be careful out there. Seek some professional help (I'm not one to recommend NA/AA meetings but they have proved to be helpful for many,many people & imagine they are in Germany.) If you have a job,I believe you said you did work, use their insurance ,it must be kept all confidential. I dont know know how GBMH heath care works ,but there must be some way to take advantage of whatever is offered.
allthebest-keepintouch
regards,
jack
I work for a German Company here in the states, its in Stuggart,I see that every time I get a package from them it has "GBMH' on it- what is that?? An abbreviation for something???- Just wondering**
Jackofheartz I have no clue either what the GMBH stands for, I work for an American company in Germany. Figures huh ? Hey, thanks for the words. Maybe didnt get it all straight, I was drinking on the pain pills just trying to get through the WD's. Im out of everything now and running scared and crazy at times just thinking about it. I got through the withdrawals , albeit not well, but the worst of it ( the physcial aspects) are done. You'd think I wouldnt want to use again remembering...but sometimes I think its not so much the WD's that matter, its the missing it, the black hole that comes after it.....Im not a huge drinker by nature, and usually never drink when using. Never cared for the mix, though I wont say I havent reached that place when I do. I have considered rehab/detox on several occasions through out the last year but Im too scared to lose my job. I was so damn sick I took 2 weeks off from work already, then came in and worked through the rest of it...as I am now...at work...best I can do at this point is this recovery forum. It just helps to hear people talk. I am grateful for the advice, and the reply. I know I've got a long road and I also know Im just not quite ready to walk it like that yet. I know no other junkies out here besides one, and she and I are not buddies or even friends in any sense and last I heard from her she was clean. I feel better just being able to read the topics and replies and to just know Im not so isolated. I now your right, alot of issues running around in my head and alot I need to deal with. I dont know how I want to start this but I know I need to go to the Doc and get myself on a program, just for anything to end these cravings...which by the way, if I read any more in that topic will drive me out of my mind :) !! Had to stop reading the replies before I went out and jumped someone ! (just kidding) truth is, I would use the minute I could right now, im not trying to kid anyone, im just riding the wait, though maybe I might get through it and stay off it ....i dont know mate, just is right now
OK- Now I get it. You drank till your liver felt like it was going to explode & took the pain pills to help with the worst of the withdrawals.- Sorry, maybe I read to fast & didnt get it.
Well that's a different story. If you have gotten through the worst physical part, now you have to deal with the mental part. The cravings, the drug calling you, etc... no easy task.
Hope you can find some help ,whether its some type of group or a doctor who understands this addiction.
I myself have been on methadone maintenance a long time. I believe my brain chemistry has been altered thru the years & Im not sure I could even produce natural endorphins anymore.
I tell myself not to concern myself with my mdone use - that some day when I feel its the right time ,Ill make the switch to sub- & then follow that treatment until Im totally out of the cycle.
However,after a few attempts to taper ,to get low enough to make the switch I have to say I relapsed every time I got on a dose of close to 30 mgs. So here I am ,still on the clinic , doing well- but aware of the time that goes by everyday.
Im 51 years old & there are too many people in their 60,s (at least at my clinic) - so getting older on this juice is a concern.
Sorry for making your post about me- I dont know how that happened
regards&respect
jack
Well that's a different story. If you have gotten through the worst physical part, now you have to deal with the mental part. The cravings, the drug calling you, etc... no easy task.
Hope you can find some help ,whether its some type of group or a doctor who understands this addiction.
I myself have been on methadone maintenance a long time. I believe my brain chemistry has been altered thru the years & Im not sure I could even produce natural endorphins anymore.
I tell myself not to concern myself with my mdone use - that some day when I feel its the right time ,Ill make the switch to sub- & then follow that treatment until Im totally out of the cycle.
However,after a few attempts to taper ,to get low enough to make the switch I have to say I relapsed every time I got on a dose of close to 30 mgs. So here I am ,still on the clinic , doing well- but aware of the time that goes by everyday.
Im 51 years old & there are too many people in their 60,s (at least at my clinic) - so getting older on this juice is a concern.
Sorry for making your post about me- I dont know how that happened
regards&respect
jack
Im 47. and your right, I think it alters your brain chem forever. Im glad to hear from someone else. Talk my ear off :) :) Im glad I found this place
well-maybe this is your chance -- no matter how good you are at maintaining a "regular" life on the H eventually you will lose everything one way or another, so take this as a mercy break you will find another connection--there will always be someone somewhere...... is that really what you want to do with your life--maybe you werent ready to quit but now you have---do you have any idea how many peopl that would give thier left eye to be clean right now--i hope your heart and mind catch up to your reality!! keep coming back we will tALK YA INTO WANTING WHAT WE HAVE--LIFE AND THE ABILITY TO ENJOY IT
Thanks Amity. I have given it thought. I aplogize if I have upset anyone with my ramblings. I cant say where my head is at for the moment and perhaps I shouldnt be here. I truly apologize if I have sounded as if I dont care. I do. I've been through the torture of wanting to be clean and just not being able to do it and I have lost more than I care to say at many times in my life because of it. And Jackofheartz I apologize too, because it was I who did not read your message properly. Your right, drinking just makes me want it more sometimes.
Amity you've got to WANT to be clean to stay clean...Im just not sure if I want that right now even though every horror and WD moment of shaking and puking and sweating makes my skin crawl thinking of going through it again. Its horrible I know, pray for deliverence from it and pray for deliverence for it. I'm sorry Amity, I really am.
Amity you've got to WANT to be clean to stay clean...Im just not sure if I want that right now even though every horror and WD moment of shaking and puking and sweating makes my skin crawl thinking of going through it again. Its horrible I know, pray for deliverence from it and pray for deliverence for it. I'm sorry Amity, I really am.
Hey Constantine,
Know I can't absolutely speak for Amity or Jack, but I have no doubt they wouldn't want ya to apologize.........we have all been where you are......well except not in Germany.......I don't think so anyway, but you do NOT have to be clean to be here..........well actually ya are clean but not sure if ya want to be.
That's all alright, Constantine.........none uf us are judgemental here and especially Amity or Jack.........just wanted to chirp in in case they don't post for awhile and ya check out the posts.
Know we all care and empathize, yeah we have been off heroin for various amounts of time............I've been clean for three years and some........some of us ain't got too much time in......others none at all........this forum is froe veryone and we learn from you by you reminding us of all them horrors....which as ya know right now.........we get amnesia about.
Thinking of ya and hope you are feeling better..........and like ya said ya absolutely have to WANT it..........you've done it before.......so you know. Maybe in the longrun this was a Blessing in disguise........ya probably want to conk me for saying that I know........LOL......but hey who knows, right?
Know I can't absolutely speak for Amity or Jack, but I have no doubt they wouldn't want ya to apologize.........we have all been where you are......well except not in Germany.......I don't think so anyway, but you do NOT have to be clean to be here..........well actually ya are clean but not sure if ya want to be.
That's all alright, Constantine.........none uf us are judgemental here and especially Amity or Jack.........just wanted to chirp in in case they don't post for awhile and ya check out the posts.
Know we all care and empathize, yeah we have been off heroin for various amounts of time............I've been clean for three years and some........some of us ain't got too much time in......others none at all........this forum is froe veryone and we learn from you by you reminding us of all them horrors....which as ya know right now.........we get amnesia about.
Thinking of ya and hope you are feeling better..........and like ya said ya absolutely have to WANT it..........you've done it before.......so you know. Maybe in the longrun this was a Blessing in disguise........ya probably want to conk me for saying that I know........LOL......but hey who knows, right?
ahhhh bryn- you can speak for me anytime....well most of the time---
wholovesyababy
jack
wholovesyababy
jack
Jack.....such a charmer
and Bryn you can speak for me as long as :Whackadoodle:aint in the sentence.....K..........heres lookin at you kid............Davey
and Bryn you can speak for me as long as :Whackadoodle:aint in the sentence.....K..........heres lookin at you kid............Davey
Oh God, here I am and here I am not, every day a screaming reminder of want. every night a sleepless hell of blood soaked dreams. my head is haunted. the craving never ends. people talk and its just noise, lips moving and I dont care. fear rules my life. monkey chattering in my brain. no sound and then too much. I bite my tongue, scratch my arms, dig holes into my hands just to feel a different pain. I'm rocking again. arms wrapped around my body just to hold myself together. back and forth and back and forth. I can do nothing. think nothing. i cannot compare the need. i function. speaking and thinking on so many levels I begin to doubt my sanity while the beast shreiks, the pain, howling and clawing, the sickening fear of a need so great I would tear myself to pieces and sell my very soul to kill it. Do you know me ? I'm sure you dont. I am only the facade of a creature you are familair with. The blackness inside would engulf you, squeeze you dry of everything you ever held sacred. It has no limits, no compassion, no peace. It is fury and need. desperation and pain. an endless immaculate scream. I want to curl up in a ball, lay down on the pavement. cry, whimper, beg. let the snot mix with my sweat. shut my eyes. curl my hands into fists and wish for oblivion. I am a heroin addict in need of a fix. there is nothing in this world save death itself that will ease this want.
except maybe methadone...SIGH....Im scared to death of methadone....
except maybe methadone...SIGH....Im scared to death of methadone....
oh sweetheart--im so so so sorry--all i can say is it does get better--warm baths and reading a good book--go to the doctor--shoot--got to 10 doctors untill you find a good one who will help you--even taking some clonodine may help--it keeps your blood pressure down or up or something--you did not upset me in the least--that wasnt my point at all i was trying to give you some advice--im sorry if i sounded perturbed--not in theleast you have an awesome ability to write--do that to take your mind off things--ive been on methadone for 4 years and its helped me STAY clean--and to tell you the truth sometimes i do feel a warmth that is comparable to a heroin like vibe--at least i dont feel like death or like tearin my eyeballs out--people talk such trash on methadone and subs--but i noticed the people who waned me against that stuff were typically people who benefited from my being addicted--friends i used with, dealers, people i hussled with or for--or other addicts eho just dont want you to get better because they are addicted too--keep coming back--even if you go back out i love the way you write--as horrible as it was it was an awesome description of withdrwal im gonna print that out and put it somewhere for when i wanna use
hey constantine, I'm about 3 weeks clean, havin a tough time this week so haven't been activley posting, but you'll find alot of hope and help from the ladies and gents on here. I've been in and out of this place for years, but no one ever forgets ya, so keep coming back, and hang in there man, the worst bit is almost over.
Once ya relegate me spokeperson of anything......well errrybody in trouble.
I'm crazy as a box of rocks...........stole that saying off of that bizerrker, Tracey Morgan.
Poor, poor Constantine.........sir, you are so going through it..........I am so sorry.........in the meantime can ya get Omega3 Fish oil in Germany.....it ain't methadone and well it akes a bit, but helps with that black hole......at it's best at least it's a little help, C ya poor guy.
I'm crazy as a box of rocks...........stole that saying off of that bizerrker, Tracey Morgan.
Poor, poor Constantine.........sir, you are so going through it..........I am so sorry.........in the meantime can ya get Omega3 Fish oil in Germany.....it ain't methadone and well it akes a bit, but helps with that black hole......at it's best at least it's a little help, C ya poor guy.
