Are The Addicts Worth It?

Hello everyone,

I find myself asking the question, "Are the Addicts worth it?". What do all of you think? Several of you know my story from previous posts so I won't go in to it but I find after all I have been through with the addict in my life that I am now wondering is it worth it?
Finding about her addiction, the mountain of debt she hid and the affair I took hard but determined to make it through it. I stood behind her through all of this and 109 days of rehab. Now I feel resentment and anger buillding in me. I am trying to work the steps and seeing a counselor but still it builds. I guess now that I have time to slow down and catch my breath that I am looking at what my life has become and I am not happy with what I see.
No, I am not going anywhere soon but I just might later. I am going to get back to living my life and let the addict live hers. I am tired of all of this. We have made tremendous progress and for the most part are doing pretty well for what we have been through. But I am angry that we had to go through this and still going through a lot. They can hide behind there program when it suits them. I guess I am just tired of being pushed away. I have given more than I thought I ever would to anyone and have had very little in return.
I plan on putting mylife back on track and leave the us to God. I miss the old me and the only way to find him is to start living life again for me and stop worrying about the addict in my life. The counselor and Al-Anon has helped. For all of that are thinking that we they get out of rehab things will get better fast. WRONG! They are off the drugs but there thinking is still screwed up.
As I have said in the past, take care of yourself because the addict can't help you. Thats what I am going to do.
Hi
That's a very thoughtful post and you have every right to have those feelings.
I know this book has been mentioned before, but I'm going to mention it again. It is Rebuilding Relationships in Addiction" by Catherine Patterson-Sterling.
I'm finding it very helpful in the recovery aspect of both myself and my addict.
She states that the addict and the loved one both have to heal and their healing is different (obviously). She also talks about how sometimes you are on two different recovery paths each with your own recovery slogans (the addict from AA/NA and the loved one from Al-Anon/Nar-anon) and tend to separate even more and not get into actually rebuilding the relationship. Each person is either too focused and regimented in the recovery program and that's all they pay attention to or both parties are only focusing on the addict's recovery program.
The problem being that the relationship is left out in the cold and not tended to at all.
She states that it is good for the addict to focus on their program of recovery and stick with it, but sometimes the addict can take it too far and think that's all they can work on and focus on and their relationships with others takes a back seat.
It is a really good book and makes a lot of sense and is focused on bringing both the addict and the loved one back together.
She also talks a lot about the feelings you are having which are completely normal by the way. You are basically suffering from emotional burnout and need to give yourself time to heal. You are allowed to feel these emotions and deal with them. Do not think you are wrong in having them.
Anyways, you might want to give it a try. I'm finding it helpful. And it might show your wife that she can't use her recovery to hide behind (which is talked about as well). She lists examples of how the addicts in recovery can use their recovery to avoid responsibility, including responsibility in their relationships, etc.
Take some time for yourself and let yourself heal!
Take care,
Mickey
Mickey,

Thanks for the reply and the information on the book. I just ordered it from B&N. I should have it tomorrow or the next day. You it helps to talk to people dealing with the same things you are. And you are correct, I am emotionally burned out. We are getting marital counseling together and the counselor is reaaly good. He has over 20 years expereince in dealing with addictions so that helps as well. I just see her hiding behind her program when she doesn't want to deal with an issue. I hope one day to look back on this period of my life as crossroad in which we too the right path to a better life together. It just gets really tough some days. And like I have said previously the addict in recovery is still not thinking clearly for a long time in sobriety. Again I hope that changes in time. I am just tired of dealing with it all. Thanks again for the support.
Hi again,
Yes, you are absolutely right. Their thinking is still addictive thinking. The book describes it as something like "addiction constellation of behaviours" or something like that. She states that the addict has to still recognize these behaviours while they are in recovery because they usually don't change just because the addict is now clean and in recovery and learn how to change them into more positive things.
She does still work with the principles of AA and Al-Anon, but takes it a little bit further than that. I think you will get a lot out of it. Tell me what you think when you get it!
Hope you are feeling better!
Take care,
Mickey
Hi,
I hear so much recover in these two posts, and that helps me so much. So many times there are just problems rehashed over and over without a plan for solutions .Mickey, you share so much wellness and encouragement together and do it with such understanding. I am grateful to have you as my recovery ali. :-)
Lanegr, Sometimes it takes so long for people to reach the point where you are with your wife. I would venture to say that many more don't make it. It appears to me that you have much patience, even though it sounds like it is in short supply right now. You have obviously gone the path that helps the most, i.e. support and recovery groups for yourself, therapy and so on.
And in the process learned that you have choices as to what you can do with your life with or without your wife. I agree with Mickey in that couples have differrent recovery patterns and sometimes do hide behind programs, even religion can be a good hiding place from ourselves and others. When if all boils down, it is really ourselves that we are hiding from. Reality is difficult to deal with when we have lived in addiction and denial for so long. It takes time to recovery or discover self esteem, forgivness for others and ourself, and to heal wounds. Continued recovery promises us that we won't want to turn our backs on the past, but to view it as something that we can learn from and using the 12th step pass it on to others. But, it takes time for that process. I have thought I was there many times just to slip and fall right back into stinking thinking. When that happens you sometimes feel like you are starting all over, but you're not at all. You simply have had a setback and pick up, dust yourself off and go from there. Everything you have learned will all still be there and in my case, I feel like I have become stronger and more aware of what triggers my setbacks. I am sure you know all this, but I wanted to remind you.
As far as your wife is concerned, hopefuly she will release some of the guilt and come out of hiding. I was unfaithful in my marriage which really isn't so uncommen, believe it or not. We were married for 29 years. In my situation, I carried a lot of guilt around that enabled depression and low self esteem and I couldn't forgive myself. My husband would not go to therapy or through any recovery or healing process. Consequently, we did not have a healthy marriage. I was in alanon for many coming from a family with alcoholism, ACOA , adult children of Alcoholics, and finally a 12 step program in my community for depression. I contiune to practice these principles, as best I can.
I excluded my husband too. I felt like he would never forgive me for my adultry and I don't think he ever did. I began to live my life for myself and learn as much as I could about taking care of myself and living with active addiction, my son, starting at 15, and my husband continuning to deny any problems or do anything to help himself get past the anger and deep resentment he had for me.
In 98 made a decision to leave because I felt like my husband was enabling our son and would not help me get the help for him that he needed or use Tough LOVE. Also, this situation was affecting our younger daughter and reminded me all too well of the situation I had grown up in. I began to look for an apartment, told my husband that we would be leaving, etc. I decided that if the two of them wanted to live in this sick enviournment they could, but I had made a choice for me and my daugher that we would get out. He was furious and told me I was the one that was to blame for all this.
Early in 99, just a few months later, my husband had a heart attack and died at the age of 49. I was 46. We were still living under the same roof, except in different beds. . It was such a shock and devastating for all of us. I was left alone to finish raising our children, two of which were still teenagers. My son's drug and alcohol problem got worse and I became his enabler out of guilt for several years. I stopped my meetings, became depressed. My mother had died 18 months prior to my husband and I was so bottomed out that I don't know how I made it, but for the Grace of GOD.
But I am here today and grateful for the recovery that I had which enabled me to finally put my son out on his own at 24, five years after my husbad died, and to recover myself from the pain, grief and depression. I am still not past it all. I have setbacks, lapses where I get down, on myself, my children, have a huge need to control and feel hopeless and helpless. But.. I keep coming back here and doing the 12 step work and praying to God for wisdom, strength, courage and the will to let go andallow him to lead me.
I think you are doing just fine. Keep up the good work.

Thoughtfully,
Judy

Obviously, your addict is your loved one in a different way then mine. My addict is my son, and I won't ever hesitate to say, yes he is worth it. But, he is my son, my flesh and blood, and that is a very different relationship. Reading your post brought to mind the words my son's counselor said.....the families and loved ones are as sick as the addict. It is so true. We have to "get better", too, and sometimes it seems its harder for us, than our addicts. You have to decide if you can heal, and if she is worth it. Only you know if you can forgive, even if you never forget, all the wrongs she did to you. I tell my son, I will never forget the lies you told, the things you stole, and the wrongs you did, because I never want you back there again. I will forgive, over time, but never forget. This experience has brought us closer as a family, more than I ever thought it would. Hopefully, God will lead you in the right direction. Keep going to meetings, and take care.

Cindy
laengr, i'm sure you are getting anxious. emotions are running away with you some. give it at least 6 months before you make any life altering decisions. glad to hear you are still working on things. easy does it. take it slow.
Hi!!!!

When I discovered my addict had no intention of coming clean, I ran as fast as possible so far away from his addiction. Yes!! I loved him and still do but I actually also love myself and respect myself, therefore could not spend years of my life wasted on some addict. Sorry, not for me.

Dealing with an addict is very different to what one would treat a non-addict loved one.

I had no desire to have to lock my belongings, live like some prisoner in my own house because of an addict that can't keep his hands off people's property.
Try to make things meet at the ends of the month because the addict stole the money for his next fix. NO!!!! that is not love, it's madness.

Good luck, on your journey, I took another path a detour from the one that went to hell!!!!.

Take care

Guest

i have learned, the hard way, that bad behavior should not be tolerated by anybody for any reason.

giving in a little bit or for a little while to bad behavior only results in more bad behavior.

anything short of that ideal is bad behavior on my part, for which i am responsible (no one else -- not even the person that initiated the bad behavior).

i know these things. i need reminders.

many of your posts for the last 3 months have been reminders.

and for that i am thankful.
Thank you all for the reminder that tolerating bad behavior is not ok. It is usually what causes me the most sadness ... because it means I let myself, the other person, and God down.

I'm learning that defense - rather than compassion for another's feelings - is usually what a not so respectful person will use to try to justify their behaviors. And I am learning to stand up to it and walk away if need be (though still have work to do in that area), no matter how much someone tries to convince me that I'm wrong or that I'm being too sensitive. Respect for yourself is so important to your own well-being, don't ever forget it! ... teach by example and maybe, just maybe, they will eventually "get it"!

Hang in there all!

((( HUGS )))

Mary
Mickey,

I am in love with something. An addict, my dead alcoholic father who rejected me and not my sister , my desire to work very hard at a very difficult business that helps others with very little financial reward, etc. I am not in love with this ever so difficult and never ending cycle! I am sick of trying so hard to help my "fiance" make changes and get clean. To nurse him, help him hom detox only to catch him snorting heroin in our apartment or manipulatiing me or his parents. I will say that it is not worth it for me to marry him if he is not clean. But hie certainly is trying a lot to get clean in his own way. he needs to follow rules and do it the conventional way. I think marrying him is probably a mistake but i may do it at some point.
I think thout that I may just give up on it all due to all of this and take off to an island and freak out all of my family who knows nothing and live under a palm tree and skip the rat race. Still I may run a business there. I cant take this. I dont know what makes them do drugs. Especially with children involved. Alcohol I can imagine. Heroin I can not see this. I am without words. Cocaine not, pain pills, all this illegal stuff, no. Why> None of it makes any sense. You really love this woman. She had an affair. Drugs make people act in weird ways or it could be that she was not normal and it was all symptomatic. I dont know her. You have to be comfortable with the relationship to move forward. Are you? Ask yourself that? Is she ready to move forward? Ask her and see if she really means it? If you think that she is not ready than step back and wait until you feel that you have worked toward a mutual goal of a positive relationship with her? If she is a good person than maybe you can rebuild. If you are both ready. It may be too soon and you may need time. Going at it too soon could make it more difficult if you move too fast. I don't know why she did all those things do you? I don't want to give bad advice. Be careful. This is family and you love her you need to be carefel. She needs to get the seriousness of marriage before she jumps back in.

jen
i too love an addict and if you truly love them then you could see the person you fell in love with regardless of what is going on inside their heads whichsometimes they cant even control,im just saying these things dont change because you want them to they have to want it. ive been dealing with it for 18 yrs so i know the emotional rollercoaster your on but it gets better with time.because walking away just gives them one more reason to keep doing the things they do