Hi all, brand new to this site.
This afternoon I'm going to finally confront my brother about his heroin use.
I don't believe he has any idea I know.
He's 28, I'm 25.
We lost our best friend to an heroin overdose in September just gone, this has torn us all up and is absolutely heartbreaking.
I've been suspious of my brother and have been 'wondering' if he has been on heroin, he's always smoked a bit of weed and dabbled in the occasional cocaine session, but over the past year I've thought it but never really dealt with it. I think I've been in denial about the situation.
Anyway, a good few months back I noticed he had extremly swollen hand/wrist, I said "jeeessss, what have you done to your wrist?" - "burnt it on the oven" he replied.
"oh, that doesn't seem a normal reaction to a burn" - why this was my answer I have no idea. Clearly the first thing I actually thought was, why are you lying clearly it's from injecting.
Rather than me doing something about it, I just shrugged it off. Ignored it. And just carried on with my life.
So, around a month after this our best friend OD's.
Still I can't bring myself to ask him. Every time I look at him, I just want to say "I know, it's okay, I want to help you" but instead I just ignore it.
2 days a go.....my Mum tells me my brothers fell off his push bike and the handle bars gone into his leg/groin area. ........INSTANTLY I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE CASE
(I'm sat listening to my naive Mother tell me how my dear brother has a blood blister that's popped and looks like a hole in the top of his leg) I'm looking at her knowing full well it's absolute rubbish. It sound just like a popped abscess.
Yesterday, in denial again, I see my brother limping around my mom's house, still with a swollen hand, and I'm staring at him just think "Nar he's not a heroin addict". I go home, go to bed and ignore it once again
Today, after waking from yet again another bad dream about my brother, using/overdosing.
I'm doing it.
I'm just going to tell him I know.
I don't know how he'll react.
I just want him to see a doctor about his arm/hand and leg.
I don't know how I'm going to do it......
blossom - sorry no one has responded. I know how you feel. I have a hard time talking to my son. when he is not at home I think of all the things I want to say to him. when he is at home I freeze up and cant say it. then when I am able to say what I want, the conversation hedges around the issue, but not exactly the issue. overall the conversations go better than I thought it would - even though he may be lying a bit, at least the conversation got out there.
if I ask directly about drug use, he totally denys it. If the conversation skirts around the issue, I get more accurate information.
my youngest daughter has a good relationship with her brother - in the sense that he feels comfortable talking to her - as siblings do - he does not confide in her. I think he feels less alone when she is around. They are both in their 20's. They are both busy with life and probably end up being home at the same time, for a few hours about once a week or so.
she knows his issues, he knows she knows. she will tell him to stop whatever and stop stressing out mom and dad. It has been going on for years. mostly she does not like talking about it bc she gets so mad and sees us upset. She has gotten to the point where she is more removed from the daily issues and keeps it that way. I know it is sad for her to watch. our son has been struggling in recovery/addiction for about 5 years.
My advice - tell your parents. and tell your brother that you know. if he's mad at you - too bad for him - when he recovers he will forgive you. see if you and your parents or mom can go to meetings of some sort - such as Nar Anon or Al Anon - so you both can learn how to set up boundaries. this is the most important first step. Luckily, you do not live with him and do not have to live in the middle of the drama.
Nar Anon is for the Family and Partners of Addicts - it is to teach people how to stop enabling - our actions often enable the addict to stay in their comfort zone. -- how to set up boundaries - don't let them make up the rules. unfortunately the household starts revolving around the addict's life. it is really hard to keep our lives focused when addiction is in the house.
how to let go - put the addicts responsibilities and consequenses on his plate. etc.
reinforce that we did not create this issue - we can not cure it - we can not change it - only the addict can.
Good Luck - let us know how its going.
if I ask directly about drug use, he totally denys it. If the conversation skirts around the issue, I get more accurate information.
my youngest daughter has a good relationship with her brother - in the sense that he feels comfortable talking to her - as siblings do - he does not confide in her. I think he feels less alone when she is around. They are both in their 20's. They are both busy with life and probably end up being home at the same time, for a few hours about once a week or so.
she knows his issues, he knows she knows. she will tell him to stop whatever and stop stressing out mom and dad. It has been going on for years. mostly she does not like talking about it bc she gets so mad and sees us upset. She has gotten to the point where she is more removed from the daily issues and keeps it that way. I know it is sad for her to watch. our son has been struggling in recovery/addiction for about 5 years.
My advice - tell your parents. and tell your brother that you know. if he's mad at you - too bad for him - when he recovers he will forgive you. see if you and your parents or mom can go to meetings of some sort - such as Nar Anon or Al Anon - so you both can learn how to set up boundaries. this is the most important first step. Luckily, you do not live with him and do not have to live in the middle of the drama.
Nar Anon is for the Family and Partners of Addicts - it is to teach people how to stop enabling - our actions often enable the addict to stay in their comfort zone. -- how to set up boundaries - don't let them make up the rules. unfortunately the household starts revolving around the addict's life. it is really hard to keep our lives focused when addiction is in the house.
how to let go - put the addicts responsibilities and consequenses on his plate. etc.
reinforce that we did not create this issue - we can not cure it - we can not change it - only the addict can.
Good Luck - let us know how its going.
I will tell you that the most important thing you can do when confronting an addict is to be sympathetic. Do not go at them with anger or aggression. Go at them with love and heartache and let them be venerable. Don't ever tell them they will be punished, that will push them away. Always let them know that even if they wont tell you now, that you know about it. Tell them that even if they won't accept help now, that you will always be there for them to help them. Let them know that you see the pain and want to take it away.
They may not come clean right away, but the pain will get bad enough for them, and they will come back asking for help.
They may not come clean right away, but the pain will get bad enough for them, and they will come back asking for help.
Thank you both for your replies! I still haven't managed to ask him.
I tried, I went straight to his flat and picked him up and as he was walking over to my car I had all the words ready. He sat down looked at me and smiled he goofy smile and I just said "Hey, How are you?"
I did ask my Dad if he thought my brother was on it. He replied with "are you asking or telling me he is?" I just burst into tears and said "I don't know"
I am so sympathetic towards him, there's not one part of me that is angry at him. I'm not disappointed or hurt, I guess that's because I'm not surprised he's on using.
I just don't want him to die...
Dad said he won't because he's going to help him...
But my best friend just died and he was getting help...
I tried, I went straight to his flat and picked him up and as he was walking over to my car I had all the words ready. He sat down looked at me and smiled he goofy smile and I just said "Hey, How are you?"
I did ask my Dad if he thought my brother was on it. He replied with "are you asking or telling me he is?" I just burst into tears and said "I don't know"
I am so sympathetic towards him, there's not one part of me that is angry at him. I'm not disappointed or hurt, I guess that's because I'm not surprised he's on using.
I just don't want him to die...
Dad said he won't because he's going to help him...
But my best friend just died and he was getting help...
Hi Blossom - thanks for checking back in. I get like that with my son - I think most of us do - who are sympathic to this illness.
You really dont have to "call him out" .. I think your parents know. they just are not discussing it with you. and they are just as afraid as you are. encourage them to start going to meetings and you go too. this will give you all knowledge and a common understanding what and how your family is going to deal with your brother.
the first steps are - give him no money. if he needs something, buy the item for him. dont give cash. you can say stuff like "I am concerned, scared, etc" he will know what you mean.
find information for him and give to him - AA, NA, outpatient, inpatient, drug counseller/therapist. be sure it is someone experience w drug addiction.
this can take a long time to get through. It has been 5 years since we knew my son was doing drugs. he claims it is because he is depressed so he self medicates. that might be half of the reason, but there are better ways to help ones self.
he was in rehab and sober living, etc on and off for two years and still has not stopped!
I always feel he is close to stopping, but it is still going on at some level.
let us know how things are going. we have been thru and seen it all!
You really dont have to "call him out" .. I think your parents know. they just are not discussing it with you. and they are just as afraid as you are. encourage them to start going to meetings and you go too. this will give you all knowledge and a common understanding what and how your family is going to deal with your brother.
the first steps are - give him no money. if he needs something, buy the item for him. dont give cash. you can say stuff like "I am concerned, scared, etc" he will know what you mean.
find information for him and give to him - AA, NA, outpatient, inpatient, drug counseller/therapist. be sure it is someone experience w drug addiction.
this can take a long time to get through. It has been 5 years since we knew my son was doing drugs. he claims it is because he is depressed so he self medicates. that might be half of the reason, but there are better ways to help ones self.
he was in rehab and sober living, etc on and off for two years and still has not stopped!
I always feel he is close to stopping, but it is still going on at some level.
let us know how things are going. we have been thru and seen it all!
