Attention Judgmental Parents. Gamechanger.

Wow, I have read some of the lectures to addicts. I am very concerned because it's a fruitless direction and isn't helpful. My addict daughter has taken me through the mill, but we are winning. Yep, we've done the rehabs, with some success, and then I came up with my own model. I want you to consider it. Some of what I'm going to say is going to come against what you've been taught. We know a lot of these folks are dying, so the professional model is off just a bit!

My parents generation drank a lot; some didn't have a tendency towards addiction and escaped alcoholism. But alcohol and cigarettes were everywhere. Today, drugs are everywhere and they get exposed early -- how about heroin at age 13? How smart were you at that age? Never made a mistake? My kid had learning problems, and she was a spirited, young thing! She got exposed around an extremely gifted, slim, handsome Christian kid. It's easy to go wrong. Cut these folks some slack!

Next, the idea you have to hit "rock bottom" and want to quit is wrong. It's a fallacy! Even some addicts believe it. My dad quit drinking at age 80. He brought his alcohol everywhere with him. One day his doctor said he absolutely must quit. He did it that very day. Wasn't he disciplined, you might say? No, he was never PHYSICALLY addicted! Heroin is a physical addiction. It also changes thought patterns very dramatically. "Rock bottom" is often death with heroin. It's a bad term.

To expect someone to "want" to quit while something is physically controlling a person is unrealistic at best. What they want is for you to MAKE them quit. Thirty days is a great start for drying out. But it's just the beginning. No way do you just send them out on their own at that point! Whoa!

But this is exactly what most programs do. If you're lucky, it's 45 days. And then they throw them where? Yes, a halfway house -- often run by some real sharks. It's often a money-making venture. Rules, rules, everywhere, and lovers, in and out. False accusations. Theft. Craziness. Well, you say, they deserve this. But you don't learn how to be healthy around a lot of people who are still very sick. In treatment, they already learned they were not alone in their problem, and that was helpful. However, their friendships with addicts is a two way sword. Yes, there's understanding, but it's like carrying the weight of someone else's addiction too. It's double trouble!

I've been through it with treatment center leadership. Contracts they make the addict sign that cause mom and dad to lose their money. It's a huge rip-off. The addict may be very unstable psychologically and have no idea as to the legal stuff put before them. It's a racket. So, it was in this environment that one parent said, ENOUGH! The last halfway house my daughter was in, nearby every bum was on the street, looking for their next victim, hanging out, shot out windows, etc. Well, you get the picture. Can someone get well there? Sometimes, but most times, no!

So here's what I did. I've already posted it. I got me an older church lady. I put her and my daughter in a super nice apartment in a really cool area for people my daughter's age. She was around successful, happy kids walking down her street. I'm not talking gated apartment community with a pool. Tried that -- there are some addicts there too! I'm talking trendy, hip, and upscale in a college town that has a graduate school (serious students). Oh, and yes, my addict daughter was fussy about other arrangements. She was a real pest. What did you expect, Mother Theresa? If I was thinking about what was "fair" to me, I would have lost this.

The church lady. She was kind of annoying, but utterly harmless. No meetings. No lectures. Nothing. No advice. But if the daughter got home late and was acting weird, she'd let me know. Daughter was not about to bring "friends" here. This would be very uncool. She's complain about church lady. When is she leaving? I would say to her, "You can leave at any time. I understand. But the only way I'll help you is if she is there. You can live anywhere you want." I repeated it for about three weeks straight until she stopped asking (sometimes three times a day).

I had a pastor; an unconventional guy. He could come in the middle of the night and check on her in her apartment if my church lady couldn't be there. He confronted a bad dude boyfriend. He cared for my daughter's welfare and she knew it. Before long, bad, old boyfriend was back in jail for good. And now even he's getting treatment.

Daughter had to get a job. But first she got some training and got through a little certificate program. It was her first success in many, many years! She passed her test, but her record stank, so she had to get an easy to get job. She has held it for 10 months now and became a supervisor. She has become very, very proud of her "work ethic." She was pregnant. We worked very hard at all this for baby's sake. Baby was born beautiful and very healthy. Now there were two kids in tow!

She had counseling and all that stuff. But, she kept going forward and working goals. I also supervised her with GPS on her car. The car was in my name. I can even shut the car off if I want to. I have almost done it, but managed to use confrontation instead when there were late nights. She was slipping into pre-addiction behaviors, and that cute little GPS gave me warnings! When their behavior gets erratic, watch out. When this happens, immediate drug test!

There were no AA meetings this time around. Eventually, we moved her to the next place -- an area that is great for married, young families her age! Kids everywhere! Healthy families! Great day care!

She did some slipping. Staying out. Big fuss. Tests. Clean result. Hurt feelings, and finally an admission, "yes, last week when I got myself in trouble." "I haven't had the best judgment." OK., that's true, but she did not use. She was getting well and was feeling her oats a bit and wanting to party. I was in her face a bit. It worked. I was mad and fed up. But, she is growing up. So, it's annoying and can be thankless. But you know who will thank me? Those kids will some day. And the nameless people who won't be her victim. And yeah, she will too in smaller ways.

As my pastor says, "Over time, she will be lying less and less. The lying will decrease." We don't think of character that way. We think it goes on and off, based on principle. Well, not with an addict. We have to ease up a bit.

Most of you parents have spent oodles of money on your kid. This model I have shared with you was costly, but nowhere near the professional models.

The fact that they need your financial help is good. Parlay it a little. Put a little fence around their addiction. Make it hard to relapse. I did not say "impossible" to relapse. You are not trying to create a perfect person. You are putting boundaries around them as they grow and form new relationships. Now my daughter has a bunch of friends WHO HAVE NEVER USED. They are stable. They help her. I always wanted it, but wasn't sure it would be possible. It's been a game changer. And it's not co-dependence.

She complained about me not encouraging her enough. I told her, "Look, I'm not your cheerleader. Other people can do that. I have my own life. I may even pay someone to check your GPS. But for now, it's getting done." She needs to start getting encouragement from others, and she is!

A word about addicts. Some of you folks do not know what you're missing. I have met some really caring individuals. They are wonderful. If they're still in the addict culture, they have some of the behaviors around addiction still operating, but the point is, they've been through personal hell. They are loving people. These are not the people who walk on by. But, they do, unfortunately, stick together and cover for each other. And that's why the addict's friends are often not helpful in the fight against addiction.















Another important note:

Heroin controls people. The model is not about "control." It's more like guidance and boundaries. You're not lecturing. You're not making them recite rules. You are not expecting perfection. But you put the model around them, and it will work -- most of the time. When there's a slip, pick them up, restart! They get the message. And they get stronger.
Hi,
I have a daughter who is addicted to Heroin. She is beautiful and intelligent and has dreamt of University when trying to recover. She has relapsed. But I was thinking before I read your post, that maybe she should just carry on with her dream, and maybe the addiction will be easier to shed if she gets involved at school, and makes some healthy friends.
Your thoughts?

GREAT STRATEGY, SO GLAD IT WORKED, VERY ENCOURAGING

MARIA
I'm a addict. What if we don't have money. What if my mom isn't a very good mom. And my father is not here anymore.? Then what? My only grandparent? Grama M ? We hate each other. I have no boring church lady friend or a paster friend from another country. Then what's next?
hi Babylove -
whats next ? then you come on here and talk to us !!! very few of us get to have the designer recovery plan all neatly packaged - as you know recovery is messy, painfull and hard work - keep posting -
Travelin' man speaks the truth:

The most powerful tool for a struggling addict is a recoverying addict.

This is part of the "secret sauce" for recovery. There are millions of us in the US in every corner of our coountry who are willing to guide someone to recovery.

The program of recovery does work - if you work it.

That's right flyboykauo and TravelinMan. The support that has been given to me on this website has been nothing but a blessing. I never had support to quit my addiction before nor have I ever expected support to feel this good. Truly makes me feel worth it. Thanks everyone. I plan to not only make my daughter and myself happy, I also plan to make everyone who is helping me happy as well. Because of you guys, are the reasons why I grew a v*g**a and am going to succeed in my happiness. Thanks again my friends.