I didn't know if I was ever gonna post again,but what the hey! I went back and read the posts I had made...don't remember it at all.I've only had one episode in the last 2 months,but they still are clueless as to why it happens.I was shot up with a bunch of electricity again...if all else fails shoot em with ECT's.
My personality has changes so much.I just don't give a rip about anything anymore.It's like I have no soul any-longer.A perfect day for me now is to not have any contact with another human being.
Had to sit and listen to one doctor tell me that I had developed a split peronality.I suppose I could of beat the piss out of him and blamed it on the other personality. I am so tired of everyone telling me what they think is wrong with me.
Don't worry...I haven't killed anyone or stalked anyone yet!! I still have a sense of humor,though it's a bit more cynical than it use to be.I'm sure all the doctors have not enjoyed as much as I have though.
So these days I try and search for gratitude once again...well...most days.There are days I just don't care.Although I'm not abusing drugs,I feel I am at ground zero as far as my recovery.
I wish I could explain what i'm going through but I just don't.It's not as if anyone else here has or is going through this anyway.Just something I have to figure out myself.
I wish I could come here and be supportive again but I just don't have it in me anymore.I should thank those of you that have prayed for me.Sorry...I truly wish I could make it sound more sincere.
Kevin
Kevin, Welcome back. I have thought of you often since you last posted. Sorry you are going through a rough time. You have always been so positive with your post to other people why not let us try and lift you up with our post while you are going through this rough time. Shantel
Bish,
It is so great to hear from you. You had us quite worried when you went away.
I'm sorry you've had it so rough. Glad to know you're on the straight and narrow with the pills. Good for you !!
Wendy
It is so great to hear from you. You had us quite worried when you went away.
I'm sorry you've had it so rough. Glad to know you're on the straight and narrow with the pills. Good for you !!
Wendy
((((((((((((((((((kevin))))))))))))))))))))))))
it's so nice to see you posting...........
Kevin, you have alot to offer.......
your a beautiful kind man........
i am so sorry that your struggling kevin........
life can be such a trip...
so you have to get shocks..........gosh kevin....
i am going to say a special prayer for you my dear......
after all we are brother ans sister n Christ........RIGHT!!!
and remember we said BEFORE to each other..... we were gonna look for one another in heaven..........
well i am happy to see ya posting so heres a little update on THUMPER
i have been studying Mother Teresa alot here lately and kevin, its very healing for me do to this..........
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MOTHER TERESA AND JESUS........
right now i am having a hard time with myself....mentally.
its winter and here in michigan the sun goes bye bye for along time...
its grey and i cant stand it...my husband and my family are planning a move to Fl.......
the sunshine state......
it's gets so cold that you can feel the sold all the way insde your BONES...
sometimes i want to cry when i walk to my car when i get out of work...
it is so cold, that when you breath in your nose its like you feel like there a frozen boogers in your nose..............
i have been trying here lately to be positive and because i cant change the weather or season, I HAVE TO CHANGE ME.
so i have been working out every morning and eating fruit...
taking my vitamins (prenatal) RX from a doctor, which means they are good.
but the most important thing i am doing everyday is praying and being positive...
READING MY BIBLE, Or watching/listening to joyce myers, joel osteen,
charels stanley.....
and my favorite SHOW>>>>>>"I LOVE New York...on VH1..
it comes on every monday night...
the second one is.........TO GET MOVING AND WORKOUT...
and sweat, get the heart rate up...
------EXERCISING is the key to LIFE------------------
and is a wonderful antidote to:
DEPRESSION
ANXIETY
STRESS
FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE IN YOUR CLOTHS, CUZ THERE TIGHT
HAVING FAT ROLLS
FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF
LOW SELF ESTEEM
ANGER
HOPELESS FEELINGS
FAILURE TO THRIVE
FEELING OLD
F EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY ATTITUDE
COMPLECTION/ACNE/CLOGGED PORES
POSTURE
HAVING A HARD TIME BUYING CLOTHS
NOT HAVING THE DESIRE TO BUY A NEW SEXY OUTFIT
LOST DESIRE TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL
AND MANY OTHER LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT SEEM TO CAUSE
negative thinking and guess what.........negative attracts negativity..........
so i strongly believe in EXERCISING........
and having a positve outlook...
it not easy, cause life can be stressful...
but thats when its time to pray and lean on God.....
well Kevin...thank you for letting me share my heart and thoughts with you..
i dont think i have done this long of a post in along time...lol
goos night...
if you can come in the mornings and post with us in the "GOOS"
and say good morning and read janet's "thought for the day"
keep in touch.....
ok !!
love u
thumper
supportplease@aol.com
it's so nice to see you posting...........
Kevin, you have alot to offer.......
your a beautiful kind man........
i am so sorry that your struggling kevin........
life can be such a trip...
so you have to get shocks..........gosh kevin....
i am going to say a special prayer for you my dear......
after all we are brother ans sister n Christ........RIGHT!!!
and remember we said BEFORE to each other..... we were gonna look for one another in heaven..........
well i am happy to see ya posting so heres a little update on THUMPER
i have been studying Mother Teresa alot here lately and kevin, its very healing for me do to this..........
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MOTHER TERESA AND JESUS........
right now i am having a hard time with myself....mentally.
its winter and here in michigan the sun goes bye bye for along time...
its grey and i cant stand it...my husband and my family are planning a move to Fl.......
the sunshine state......
it's gets so cold that you can feel the sold all the way insde your BONES...
sometimes i want to cry when i walk to my car when i get out of work...
it is so cold, that when you breath in your nose its like you feel like there a frozen boogers in your nose..............
i have been trying here lately to be positive and because i cant change the weather or season, I HAVE TO CHANGE ME.
so i have been working out every morning and eating fruit...
taking my vitamins (prenatal) RX from a doctor, which means they are good.
but the most important thing i am doing everyday is praying and being positive...
READING MY BIBLE, Or watching/listening to joyce myers, joel osteen,
charels stanley.....
and my favorite SHOW>>>>>>"I LOVE New York...on VH1..
it comes on every monday night...
the second one is.........TO GET MOVING AND WORKOUT...
and sweat, get the heart rate up...
------EXERCISING is the key to LIFE------------------
and is a wonderful antidote to:
DEPRESSION
ANXIETY
STRESS
FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE IN YOUR CLOTHS, CUZ THERE TIGHT
HAVING FAT ROLLS
FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF
LOW SELF ESTEEM
ANGER
HOPELESS FEELINGS
FAILURE TO THRIVE
FEELING OLD
F EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY ATTITUDE
COMPLECTION/ACNE/CLOGGED PORES
POSTURE
HAVING A HARD TIME BUYING CLOTHS
NOT HAVING THE DESIRE TO BUY A NEW SEXY OUTFIT
LOST DESIRE TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL
AND MANY OTHER LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT SEEM TO CAUSE
negative thinking and guess what.........negative attracts negativity..........
so i strongly believe in EXERCISING........
and having a positve outlook...
it not easy, cause life can be stressful...
but thats when its time to pray and lean on God.....
well Kevin...thank you for letting me share my heart and thoughts with you..
i dont think i have done this long of a post in along time...lol
goos night...
if you can come in the mornings and post with us in the "GOOS"
and say good morning and read janet's "thought for the day"
keep in touch.....
ok !!
love u
thumper
supportplease@aol.com
You're such a sweetie, Thumper. You are a person just made to encourage and uplift others.
xxxxooooo
xxxxooooo
Hey Thumper...Yeah,things are tough right now.I just wish I knew what was going on and how to fix it.I haven't read my Bible or prayed much.I feel like a hipocrite when I do.It's like I forgot how to humble myself to the Lord.
I am no-longer recieving ECT's...it seems they have to use it when all else fails.I guess they figure if they scramble your brains some it will bring about a positive result.
I'm from Minnesota so I too know about the short and cold days.The other day I had to walk to an appointment and the wind chill was 23 below.But I guess I prefer the cold to the extreme heat. I don't think I could stand the summers of Florida.I'd like to go back to Hawaii and live.The temp and humidity seem to be the same year round.
YES...for some reason I do remember that we were going to give each other a hug in Heaven...kind of odd for some reason but that stuck!! I mean I do have memories,but I don't remember much of the past 6 or 7 months and no memory at all when I have those little episodes.I have lost alot of my long term memory too,but still do have memories.
My family is pushing for me to return to church but I just can't do it! If I went I wouldn't be there to worship and what other reason would there be to go? I don't hate God...I guess maybe I hate myself and there lies the problem...I DON'T KNOW ...I do know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!! I have to learn all over again how to get out of my head...doesn't help when I have therapist,nurses and doctors in my head all the time either.
I'm glad I posted...For some reason I can really feel that you care Thumper.The world could sure use more of you! I don't know when,but I'll post back again.I leave in the morning.
I want to thank you too Shantel and Wendy.You didn't have to respond,but you chose to,so thank you.
Kevin
I am no-longer recieving ECT's...it seems they have to use it when all else fails.I guess they figure if they scramble your brains some it will bring about a positive result.
I'm from Minnesota so I too know about the short and cold days.The other day I had to walk to an appointment and the wind chill was 23 below.But I guess I prefer the cold to the extreme heat. I don't think I could stand the summers of Florida.I'd like to go back to Hawaii and live.The temp and humidity seem to be the same year round.
YES...for some reason I do remember that we were going to give each other a hug in Heaven...kind of odd for some reason but that stuck!! I mean I do have memories,but I don't remember much of the past 6 or 7 months and no memory at all when I have those little episodes.I have lost alot of my long term memory too,but still do have memories.
My family is pushing for me to return to church but I just can't do it! If I went I wouldn't be there to worship and what other reason would there be to go? I don't hate God...I guess maybe I hate myself and there lies the problem...I DON'T KNOW ...I do know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!! I have to learn all over again how to get out of my head...doesn't help when I have therapist,nurses and doctors in my head all the time either.
I'm glad I posted...For some reason I can really feel that you care Thumper.The world could sure use more of you! I don't know when,but I'll post back again.I leave in the morning.
I want to thank you too Shantel and Wendy.You didn't have to respond,but you chose to,so thank you.
Kevin
thank you sweet KAT.........
Kevin....please just remeber that the Lord never leaves us , but we leave HIM.
so remember Kevin, the Lord can forgive and forget...
and your always special and loved by God.......
Go back to God and stay close to the Lord Kevin, he will keep your MIND safe..
start to read your bible and pray Kevin....
i was drawn to you by your faith Kevin....
I know that you Love the Lord....and HE is in your heart....
Remember the most important thing here kevin........
God loves you and will NEVER leave you.
thumper
Kevin....please just remeber that the Lord never leaves us , but we leave HIM.
so remember Kevin, the Lord can forgive and forget...
and your always special and loved by God.......
Go back to God and stay close to the Lord Kevin, he will keep your MIND safe..
start to read your bible and pray Kevin....
i was drawn to you by your faith Kevin....
I know that you Love the Lord....and HE is in your heart....
Remember the most important thing here kevin........
God loves you and will NEVER leave you.
thumper
Hi Kevin,
I haven't posted to you before, but I read your story and wanted to say that I am very sorry for what you are going through. I will say a prayer for you. I hope that you find your way through all of this and that they figure out what is causing your episodes. It must be real tough for you right now and I can't imagine how I would feel if it were me.
God Bless You Kevin.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
I haven't posted to you before, but I read your story and wanted to say that I am very sorry for what you are going through. I will say a prayer for you. I hope that you find your way through all of this and that they figure out what is causing your episodes. It must be real tough for you right now and I can't imagine how I would feel if it were me.
God Bless You Kevin.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Thank you Stephanie for your nice reply!
Hey Thumper...I guess I do know that God will never forsake me.Part of my problem is that the Holy Spirit is mourning my seperation with my Lord.I know self-pity is playing apart of this also...so if I know the answers why don't I just do it???? DING DING DING...the million dollar question!!!
Like I said...I'm gonna have to re-learn all over again. You'd think I would be pretty smart with all of the re-learning I have done since becoming an addict..LOL.
I won't make you any promises,but I will try and have better news the next time I post.If I do...it will be because of your love of Jesus our Lord Thumper! Thanks for being such a great sister in the Lord.
Kevin
Hey Thumper...I guess I do know that God will never forsake me.Part of my problem is that the Holy Spirit is mourning my seperation with my Lord.I know self-pity is playing apart of this also...so if I know the answers why don't I just do it???? DING DING DING...the million dollar question!!!
Like I said...I'm gonna have to re-learn all over again. You'd think I would be pretty smart with all of the re-learning I have done since becoming an addict..LOL.
I won't make you any promises,but I will try and have better news the next time I post.If I do...it will be because of your love of Jesus our Lord Thumper! Thanks for being such a great sister in the Lord.
Kevin
Kevin,
I too have had my share of mental/ emotional problems. I know what it's like to feel far removed from people.
Those feelings of not wanting to see people are very real to me too
Just wanted to let you know that you have not been forgotten
Wendy
I too have had my share of mental/ emotional problems. I know what it's like to feel far removed from people.
Those feelings of not wanting to see people are very real to me too
Just wanted to let you know that you have not been forgotten
Wendy
Hey Wendy...sorry to hear you too suffer from mental illness...Man I hate that term!!! I think in many peoples minds it suggests being crazy.
I don't know what label they have given you,but I have many. Major depression...anti social behaviors...split personality syndrom...and a few others I can't remember right now...They are just stupid terms to lump people into catagories.I just hate labels...they do not sum up who anyone is.None of us are the same,but they try and lump people together by characteristics,or color of skin..or race or creeds.To me it's just BS.Being a Christian or an addict or of German decent does not define what I say or do or how I act or think.To me it breeds discrimination.It's like saying because you are a Wendy you are characteristicly inclined to act like all named Wendy and me as Kevin's.
SO sorry...I have a few chips on my shoulder these days.I should feel fortunate that I have a good psychiatrist and therapist that I share with.Any others I just tell them what they want to hear.
If ya want...email me sometime...I may even write back...LOL
Kevin
I don't know what label they have given you,but I have many. Major depression...anti social behaviors...split personality syndrom...and a few others I can't remember right now...They are just stupid terms to lump people into catagories.I just hate labels...they do not sum up who anyone is.None of us are the same,but they try and lump people together by characteristics,or color of skin..or race or creeds.To me it's just BS.Being a Christian or an addict or of German decent does not define what I say or do or how I act or think.To me it breeds discrimination.It's like saying because you are a Wendy you are characteristicly inclined to act like all named Wendy and me as Kevin's.
SO sorry...I have a few chips on my shoulder these days.I should feel fortunate that I have a good psychiatrist and therapist that I share with.Any others I just tell them what they want to hear.
If ya want...email me sometime...I may even write back...LOL
Kevin
Hey Kevin:
We've never posted before and I'm new to the forum, but I was very touched by what you wrote. I don't believe in going to church for someone else. It should be personal and you can believe in God and not have to spend everyday in church (I was forced to go to church as a kid - so maybe I have an attitude). You're the only other person besided me that prefers the cold over heat. I lived in Houston for a while, that really sucked. I've always wanted to go to Minnisota, I hear it's very pretty (and cold) I like the north. Hang in there!
We've never posted before and I'm new to the forum, but I was very touched by what you wrote. I don't believe in going to church for someone else. It should be personal and you can believe in God and not have to spend everyday in church (I was forced to go to church as a kid - so maybe I have an attitude). You're the only other person besided me that prefers the cold over heat. I lived in Houston for a while, that really sucked. I've always wanted to go to Minnisota, I hear it's very pretty (and cold) I like the north. Hang in there!
Hi lola... I went back and read what you wrote about your addiction.SUCKS doesn't it?! I'm an ex-oxycontin abuser myself,but it really doesn't matter what the substance is,it's about how we react to them that addiction is all about.
I'm a big believer in getting profession help.Maybe because I was too weak to quit on my own.I had a couple rehab trips,AA..NA..DDR and counciling.However there are those that understand the concept of recovery without going through all of that.
The big thing about recovery is being committed to it.Without it there will be no recovery.Try not to get caught up in all the BS with recovery. Like...don't let anyone else do your recovery...you know you and if your honest with yourself you will figure out what is best for you.
This is an open forum and we are to support those who seek recovery no matter what method they choose,but that is not always what comes across with all posters here.I figure this forum is worth it if you can find at least one person that will not judge you and support you no matter what.
I had to kind of laugh about church....tell me what kid isn't forced to go..LOL. I hated church as a kid...it was soooo boring to me.I only went when I was in high school because there was a few cute girls...LOL.
As far as the cold? You wouldn't think it would get that warm up here,but it does.I just hate humid hot weather...at least it only lasts a couple of months here.But then I hate 6 months of winter too.I love fall because it is so beautiful up north in Minnesota,but it's way too short.I don't think I could handle the weather down in Houston or should I say heat!!
Well...I hope you find the support your looking for here.Remember..sometimes you gotta take the bad along with the good here.Don't take things too personal because there are alot of different personalities here and your bound to clash with some.Just stick with the ones you find the good support with and forget the others.
I wish you well....your going to have alot of up and down days,but it's all worth the effort you put into it.
Kevin
I'm a big believer in getting profession help.Maybe because I was too weak to quit on my own.I had a couple rehab trips,AA..NA..DDR and counciling.However there are those that understand the concept of recovery without going through all of that.
The big thing about recovery is being committed to it.Without it there will be no recovery.Try not to get caught up in all the BS with recovery. Like...don't let anyone else do your recovery...you know you and if your honest with yourself you will figure out what is best for you.
This is an open forum and we are to support those who seek recovery no matter what method they choose,but that is not always what comes across with all posters here.I figure this forum is worth it if you can find at least one person that will not judge you and support you no matter what.
I had to kind of laugh about church....tell me what kid isn't forced to go..LOL. I hated church as a kid...it was soooo boring to me.I only went when I was in high school because there was a few cute girls...LOL.
As far as the cold? You wouldn't think it would get that warm up here,but it does.I just hate humid hot weather...at least it only lasts a couple of months here.But then I hate 6 months of winter too.I love fall because it is so beautiful up north in Minnesota,but it's way too short.I don't think I could handle the weather down in Houston or should I say heat!!
Well...I hope you find the support your looking for here.Remember..sometimes you gotta take the bad along with the good here.Don't take things too personal because there are alot of different personalities here and your bound to clash with some.Just stick with the ones you find the good support with and forget the others.
I wish you well....your going to have alot of up and down days,but it's all worth the effort you put into it.
Kevin
hey Kevin:
Thanks for responding, not only am I new to this forum, I'm not real computer literate - bear with me. So I really appreciate all you had to say about recovery. I feel like one size doesn't fit all, and one should be true to oneself. But then certain programs tell me that kind of thinking got me where I am - and they have a point too, but I sometimes feel certain programs (no names mentioned!) the people are almost "Stepford Addicts" with everyone saying the same exact thing, but then again it does work for a lot of people...BUT - so you see how confused I am. But this is not a new issue, I had a bad accident and it brought everything to a head and worsened BIGTIME. I used to be more of a bigner with time in between sometimes as much as a month. Now though, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking it'll maybe go away - that hasn't happened. I can handle the physical withdrawl, the mental cravings are what gets me - when's my next doc's appt, and can i go in early, does my friend have some I can borrow, how can I get through untill the appt. and the pills never, ever last as long as I think I can make them. I actually get 230 10mg lorttab a month AND I CAN'T MAKE THAT LAST???? Does anyone else take as many as me and still walk around? How did you get off the oxy? Another problem is now I really do have a pain issue since the accident, but I don't think anyone has that much pain. Again, thanks for all you said, any advice or comments are truly appreciated
Thanks for responding, not only am I new to this forum, I'm not real computer literate - bear with me. So I really appreciate all you had to say about recovery. I feel like one size doesn't fit all, and one should be true to oneself. But then certain programs tell me that kind of thinking got me where I am - and they have a point too, but I sometimes feel certain programs (no names mentioned!) the people are almost "Stepford Addicts" with everyone saying the same exact thing, but then again it does work for a lot of people...BUT - so you see how confused I am. But this is not a new issue, I had a bad accident and it brought everything to a head and worsened BIGTIME. I used to be more of a bigner with time in between sometimes as much as a month. Now though, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking it'll maybe go away - that hasn't happened. I can handle the physical withdrawl, the mental cravings are what gets me - when's my next doc's appt, and can i go in early, does my friend have some I can borrow, how can I get through untill the appt. and the pills never, ever last as long as I think I can make them. I actually get 230 10mg lorttab a month AND I CAN'T MAKE THAT LAST???? Does anyone else take as many as me and still walk around? How did you get off the oxy? Another problem is now I really do have a pain issue since the accident, but I don't think anyone has that much pain. Again, thanks for all you said, any advice or comments are truly appreciated
Bish, You posted you are leaving this morning. When will you be back? Try and keeep us updated on you if you can. Take Care, Shantel
Hi lola....I was a doctor shopper...I was so good that I even got psychiatrists to write me oxycontin scripts.I had gotten up to a few thousand mgs daily.Part of my addiction was the thrill of getting the scripts.
I believe all of us who start out in recovery are very confused.I did alot of research and trial by error.One thing about addiction is you know your addicted by the way you react mentally to the pills.The physical part of dependency doesn't last that long...it's that psychological aspect of addiction that is so difficult to overcome.
You will find common threads in those who successfully live in recovery.One being completely honest with yourself and evryone else.Secrects will destroy anyones recovery in time.Overcoming fear...ya can't be afraid to ask and seek help.
The best thing I ever did was become honest about my addiction to my family and go into rehab.I don't have anything to hide....like the good book says...The truth will set you free.
Recovery is a process...your not always going to feel so lousy.The first year of my recovery sucked!!! but I kept going and put my trust in those who had went before me.
Meetings won't kill you...LOL. Although I have not attended any in years(except my DDR)AA and Na helped me very much.Early in my recovery it was so nice to walk into a room of people who were going thru what I was.I learned what it meant to give back there.
lola...the main thing is if you really want to quit and recover.If you do then you will find your way.It's very scarey...that's why other recovering addicts can be so helpful.Don't let fear run your life anylonger.
You and I are kinda in the same boat.Though I haven't abused in a few years i'm having to re-learn my recovery process all over again.Thumper is a wonderful lady!!! seek her out when your down and out.
Kevin
I believe all of us who start out in recovery are very confused.I did alot of research and trial by error.One thing about addiction is you know your addicted by the way you react mentally to the pills.The physical part of dependency doesn't last that long...it's that psychological aspect of addiction that is so difficult to overcome.
You will find common threads in those who successfully live in recovery.One being completely honest with yourself and evryone else.Secrects will destroy anyones recovery in time.Overcoming fear...ya can't be afraid to ask and seek help.
The best thing I ever did was become honest about my addiction to my family and go into rehab.I don't have anything to hide....like the good book says...The truth will set you free.
Recovery is a process...your not always going to feel so lousy.The first year of my recovery sucked!!! but I kept going and put my trust in those who had went before me.
Meetings won't kill you...LOL. Although I have not attended any in years(except my DDR)AA and Na helped me very much.Early in my recovery it was so nice to walk into a room of people who were going thru what I was.I learned what it meant to give back there.
lola...the main thing is if you really want to quit and recover.If you do then you will find your way.It's very scarey...that's why other recovering addicts can be so helpful.Don't let fear run your life anylonger.
You and I are kinda in the same boat.Though I haven't abused in a few years i'm having to re-learn my recovery process all over again.Thumper is a wonderful lady!!! seek her out when your down and out.
Kevin
Hey Kevin,
Welcome back. You know we care and missed you. Memory loss is from the ect. It's very common.
As far as church goes, have you ever just sat alone in a church and communed with God (or even let your mind drift)? It's a very good place to be to just think....and it's usually a warm place, too.
((((Hugs and prayers)))))))
Welcome back. You know we care and missed you. Memory loss is from the ect. It's very common.
As far as church goes, have you ever just sat alone in a church and communed with God (or even let your mind drift)? It's a very good place to be to just think....and it's usually a warm place, too.
((((Hugs and prayers)))))))
